Always and forever

24 - Mistress of me

Sanem

I leave the meeting room and tell Cey Cey that I am going away for a while but will be back soon.
I leave the agency with a feeling of suffocation, I had thought of going to the public park nearby, but seeing a taxi coming, I instinctively raise an arm and stop it, telling it to go to the coast.

I need time to think, I need to detach myself from everything.
I take the phone out of my bag, send a text message to Cey Cey saying that I won't be returning to the agency today, then I turn it off and lean my head against the window looking out in a daze.
I realize that practically, since Can's return, I've been living in a sort of emotional centrifuge: first the anger at his abandonment, then the timid signs of rapprochement, the fear that he might leave again and again the fear of hoping, of believing again, then the boundless joy of having him back, of being in his arms, of feeling finally complete.

Months of incredulous joy, the sale of the creams, the reopening of the agency, the proposal of marriage, the preparations and then... the accident, the coma, the amnesia and then a Can stranger, as not even when I met him was ever.

My mind, with his departure, had become terribly fragile, had rejected so much suffering and with extreme difficulty, only months later, I managed to emerge from a spiral of despair that had sucked me into a muffled world where I had taken refuge in an attempt to quell the pain.

At the moment it seems to me that the balance so painstakingly found is wavering again, the idea that he might decide not to want me in his life brings me back to the feelings I felt those first days after the abandonment and I cannot allow my mind to get lost again.
I have to defend myself from mysel too if necessary.

I pay for the taxi and get out, I wanted to go back to where it all began, to a place that has always been a comfort to me and that had become the setting for so many of our moments together. I cross the avenues of the promenade and move, hopping here and there with the consummate agility acquired in so many years of frequenting those beloved rocks.
I get to my favourite one, the flat, square one where I have often come with him.

I sit down and wrap my arms around my torso to protect myself from the cold wind that blows strongly from the sea at the end of March, and look at Leandro's Tower as if it were an old friend, a confidante. And then, as if feeling betrayed or neglected, she makes her stubborn presence felt.

- What do you think you are doing Sanem? -

This time I decide not to fight my inner voice, I decide instead to have an honest confrontation with her.

- I honestly don't know, but I'm beginning to understand one thing, I have to be very careful not to lose myself trying to find him.
I'm just so tired, you know? This past month has been a terrible month both physically and psychologically, I don't have the strength to fight against the women who buzz around him like I did with Polen or Ceyda, I just can't do it.
Not that I'm giving up on him, but we're more mature now and at this point I say he'll choose what he wants for himself right now.
I just need some peace -

- You're right, you deserve it, so I'm shutting down. Enjoy the peace and quiet of the sea Sanem, heal your troubled soul.

I smile at the thought that my voice has suddenly become gentle and tame, unbelievable!

I close my eyes and breathe deeply, concentrating on the sound of the wind in my ears and the distant call of the seagulls. I try to empty my mind to concentrate on my breath and the sound of the waves breaking on the rocks, inhaling and exhaling Sanem.
I stay for a long time in this sort of self-therapy, I need it to regain a minimum of emotional stability, I just have to breathe, that's all, for a long, long time.

I reopen my eyes with the feeling of a biting cold, the sun has gone down a lot towards the other side of the Bosphorus, I have no idea how much time has passed but it does not matter, what matters is that I feel my mind free, the thoughts that crowded it and pressed it insistently are gone.
As they taught me during therapy I have to concentrate and put my thoughts in order, starting with my priorities.

What is the most important thing for you right now?
The answer is simple: Can.

How do you feel about it?
Even simpler answer: bad.

How can you change this state of affairs?
I answer instinctively: by letting go.

Yes, that's what I'll do, I'll let things go on their own, I'll be myself with no plans and no forcing, I'll let him do and say what he feels in this moment to do or say without judgments and without trying to influence his choices.
That's what I'll do, I'll let him act as he feels he has to, I won't abandon him, I'll never abandon him, I'll be by his side whatever he needs but I won't try to guide his way back to life.
He has to choose and I can only support him and watch what happens.

I get up sore from the long time spent in the same position on the cold hard stone, the sun is now about to disappear behind the horizon and it's time to get back to the estate, I get a taxi and turn my phone back on, a notification.
It is him telling me that Aziz and Mihriban have invited us for dinner, I am happy to see Mihriban again, she was so close to me during the days in hospital and I missed her during her trip to Ankara. We spoke and I explained Can's situation to her, she advised me to be patient and now I finally understand that she is right, as is Layla, I have to be patient and see what happens.

I answer her message saying that it's fine with me, I give him an appointment on the driveway at 8:30 to accompany him since he has no idea where he should go. I send the message and go back to looking out the window at the thousand lights of Istanbul, sighing, I've calmed down, I finally feel like my own boss again.

This is how it must continue to be, I cannot let myself be dragged into an abyss of anguish by my emotions, I must remain my own master, I cannot lose myself again, I have promised never to do it again, not even for him.