Always and forever

37 - Awareness

Can

-I wish you all the best Can Divit hoşçakal, goodbye-

Why do these words keep repeating in my mind without interruption?
She said goodbye, she let me go, she gave up on me.

I got into the car as if in a trance, only those words in my mind, I drove for more than two hours without seeing anything, as if I had the autopilot on and my mind was busy analysing that word: hoşçakal, goodbye.

I could not tell her that I would be back soon and we would talk about us, about what we were and what we could still be.

I arrive at the estate, I look around remembering the first time I arrived here with Sanem's reassuring presence beside me, what has this girl not done for me? What has she not endured?

I don't go inside the house, I leave my bag in front of the door and sit on the small sofa under the porch, my elbows resting on my knees, my head down and my hands behind my head. Why didn't I stay? I would have found a way to talk to her, to tell her that ours didn't have to be goodbye, it could have been a simple yakında görüşürüz, see you soon.

I let myself go against the back of the small chair, my head reclined back to look at the ceiling beams for I don't know how long.

- Can? Are you back oğul, son? Ne oldu, what happened? -

- Nothing babam, it's just my life that, since I woke up with two years of lost memories, is in total confusion -

- Emre told me that you decided to go on a reportage -

-Yeah, that's what I thought I wanted but I'm not so sure at this moment babam.

- Can, I warned you to be careful in your decision or you'd regret it.

- It's not a final decision, I'll be back in three months but I have a terrible feeling right now, I have no connection with Sanem but I feel I'm doing her a terrible wrong.
Emre told me what happened to her during my absence a year ago and now I feel like I'm abandoning her again. I wanted to beg her to understand how I feel, that I need some time to think, but I couldn't -

- How couldn't you? -

I tell him briefly what happened, that she decided to stay in Sile and that she  said goodbye to me as if it was the last time we would see each other.

- And you turned around and left? You left her there without trying to talk to her? -

- Babam but I...-

As I search for words to justify myself I realise that there are none, there is no justification for the fact that I left as if Sanem was of no importance to me, as if she was nobody.
I realise now that in a very short time she has become very important in my existence and I can't help thinking back to those words she spoke with the seriousness and truth of someone who has drunk too much:

"You have returned to being the kötü kral, the evil king.
You promised me that you would never make me suffer again, that you would keep me here on your heart forever and instead you have completely erased me not only from your heart but also from your mind.
Go Can Divit, lead your own life, date as many women as you want, live the way you want to live, I can't make you be my albatross, I can't make you love me like I love you "

I stand up sharply, grab the bag that hasn't even crossed the threshold of the house, and turn to my dad.

- I'm going to her dad, I have to talk to her before I leave, I want her to understand that I'm not leaving her, that I'll be back soon and that there can be something for us again, I'm not sure I can love her like the Can I used to love her, but I know that in a short time she has managed to carve out a remarkable space in my mind and in my heart, I have to tell her -

- Bravo my aslan, my lion, go to her, remember what I told you about true love that you meet only once in a lifetime and without which you can only survive but not live. -

I nod and rush back to the car to make the route back, it's the longest two hours of my life, I can't wait to be there, even if I arrive in the middle of the night I'll be ready to do everything the next morning to make her listen to me, I was wrong not to insist, I should have stayed and made her listen to me.

Ah Can ah, what have you done? Since you came to your senses you've done nothing but get everything wrong with Sanem, you have to do your best to reassure her that you will come back and there will be a chance for you, I'm sure of it now.

I arrive at the hotel which is now 3am, I approach the reception to ask for a room, the room closest to room 309, Miss Aydin's room.
The receptionist looks at me puzzled - Miss Aydin is no longer occupying that room Mr Divit, she left about an hour ago, I called a taxi myself to take her to the train station -.

My heart is missing a beat. How? Has she gone?

I pick up the bag I had set down on the ground beside me and without even saying goodbye I run to my car, I don't know where the station is, a quick search and thanks to the navigator I'm there in 20 minutes.

I get out in a hurry and enter the large space that houses the waiting room and the ticket offices, my gaze moves frantically in search of that figure that has become so familiar, convulsive moments in which, with my heart in my throat, I move among the few patrons looking for her.

I reach the tracks, I move quickly from one to the other, there aren't many of them and it doesn't take long to realise the sad reality: she's gone.