Always and forever

66 - Beni affet (Forgive me)

Sanem

Can retrieves every day small fragments of our past together, scattered memories of situations or moods, but he has no memory of the succession of events, of what we experienced, of our personal maturation and the feelings we came to feel two years later when we thought we had found our happy ending.
That damned accident that brought us back to where we started, made us strangers and deprived us of all that experience, of those feelings that had grown and taken root in our souls in spite of everything and everyone.

We cannot know if he will ever completely regain his memory, but what is certain is that many things are happening between us and, if possible, I realise that I am falling more and more in love with this wonderful man I am getting to know.

It is different from the previous Can the man who is next to me now, unlike him, who has more shown than declared his love, this new Can is not afraid to talk about his feelings, he expresses them out loud and makes me tremble deep inside with every whispered declaration.

So much is happening between us, every day is a concentration of wonderful moments lived together, I haven't started my job yet and he also took a break to be with me without commitments and without stress.
We spent beautiful days without doing anything exceptional, we just walked on the beach or looked at the moon to be happy and, as he said, learn to build other unforgettable memories together.
This evening we reached a nearby beach where an area has been set up with special spaces for lighting bonfires on the beach, we brought with us a basket with our dinner, we spread a large cloth on the ground and now Can is taking care of lighting the fire, while I take the food out of the basket at a certain point I see him freeze looking at the flames.

- Can, what's going on? -

- I saw myself in my mind while I was lighting the fire at the shed and there you are with me, smiling, serene, happy, we are both happy and then the image of a diary burning in the flames hit my stomach, I felt terrified for a moment -

I approach him, take his hand and tell him, that moment was the beginning of the end, I tell him what that diary meant to me and how the fact that he admitted he had never read it was a searing wound that led me to let go of his hand.
In that diary was the whole truth about who the real Sanem was, the one who had made mistakes, had tried to fix her own mistakes and had lied for fear of losing him, because he was uncompromising about any lie but perhaps ultimately could not accept that I was not the flawless Sanem he had created in his head.

I see him listening to me carefully, he sighs and lowers his head in his arms resting on his knees, when he raises it again he looks straight into my eyes.
- Sanem I don't know how much I have been able to apologize to you for my behaviour in the past, now that I remember some situations and I look at them objectively I realize that I have often been unfair to you, uncompromising is an understatement, my arrogance, stubbornness, obtuseness to look at only one aspect of things, like when you gave the perfume to Fabri to get me out of prison, I have behaved very badly towards you beni affet, forgive me.
I disrespected you and I took drastic decisions without listening or asking for explanations, I made you suffer so much, I left and I did all the evil in this world to you, I know what happened to you because of my departure it show how much you loved me and how I was only capable of running away to not face and grow in situations.
Perhaps this amnesia is due precisely to the fact that I don't want to remember what happened, how bad I must have been without you during the year away and how bad I felt at the thought of what I did to you. I remember apologising to you one night on the dock at the estate, well I don't think I can ever ask your forgiveness enough for my actions.

Likewise I must apologise for the way I behaved after the incident, from the careless words that caused you pain to the decision to leave, once again I was afraid and felt the need to flee, it was an impulsive decision that I regretted even before I left and at that point the commitment I made prevented me from giving up.

Beni affet, forgive me for leaving the morning after the most incredible night I have ever lived in my life, you didn't deserve to wake up alone in that hotel room, I belittled and debased what happened between us, your first time, our wedding night.

When I received your letter through Metin I understood even more what a huge mistake I had made and what it represented for you, it had been the crowning of your love for the man you loved so much, you gave yourself to him with all of yourself I felt it clearly and also for me it was a powerful experience, incredible, I think it was your Can who made love to you for the first time not me or at least the me of that moment, I felt like I was possessed, I felt his emotions, I felt all the love and adoration he had for you. My fear of facing you to tell you I was leaving, after all we had shared only a few hours before, made me run away like a coward without thinking about how you might have felt.

Beni affet, forgive me Sanem for having hurt you, for having abandoned you again and again as I had already done in the past, I promise I will never let go of your hand again, söz, I promise -

He takes my hand and brings it to his lips to kiss it, looking intensely into my eyes, mine are full of tears and I struggle to find the voice to speak, but I want to.

- You've never spoken to me so openly Can, we found each other again and got back together because that's what our hearts wanted more than anything, but we never talked about the past, we just had to look at each other to realise that we couldn't exist without each other. You are different Can, it seems to me that you are more aware now than when you returned after the year away, I can only be happy about that. What has been has been, we have somehow managed to overcome it, we have survived and our love has been strengthened thanks to all of this, let's look ahead and learn from what has been to make sure it never happens again.

I have learnt that I must not jump to conclusions, as was the case with Ayfer and Polen, but I must talk to you about what is bothering me and I must always tell you the truth even if I know you will not like it -

I'm happy that our relationship is changing rapidly and in a way that I never thought possible, I would have never believed that it could become open and sincere as never before, it's beautiful what he did tonight, he reached a part of my soul that was unknown even to myself, the one that still suffered for being humiliated and overwhelmed by his arrogance, for not being considered and understood, the one that deep down always felt like the "other".