Always and forever

41 -Between past and future

Can

It had never happened to me before to leave for a news report without the slightest enthusiasm, without any excitement at the thought of the adventure I was about to live.

I had made too hasty a choice and now I bitterly regretted it, everything told me that I should not have left, my heart was constantly screaming at me not to go, only now unfortunately I could hear it.

I lived the two days following the meeting with Mihriban in a sort of limbo, trying to tie up every loose end at the agency and spending every free moment thinking about her.

I had dinner with Metin and, as usual, my friend helped me to look at things objectively, he didn't openly accuse me with the classic "I told you so", but it was clear that he was sorry I hadn't listened to his words when he had warned me not to be hasty in my decisions, in the end that was exactly what he had done.

"Can I reiterate my recommendation, don't hurt her yet, use this time apart to figure out what you want and if you come to the conclusion that you don't want her with all your heart, as she loves you, don't even look for her when you come back, let her go her own way and let her live the life she chooses for herself. Lütfen, please."

I nod, aware that he's right, with Sanem there can be no half measures, I can't love her halfway, her boundless love for me is not what she deserves.

I leave Istanbul on a rainy and grey April morning, the leaden sky reflects my gloomy mood, I land in an even gloomier London and it certainly doesn't help to lift my already low morale.
I leave my luggage at the hotel and immediately reach the editorial office of the publishing house that has promoted the reportage, I make the first agreements with the editor who will write the article to which my photos will be added.
I am concentrated but listless, it is a job that once would have made me tremble with excitement at the idea of the adventure I was about to live, now it all seemed so forced, so far from what I really wanted at that moment.

I'm walking out of the building that houses the publishing house, brooding over these considerations, when I hear the phone ring, it's Polen.

- Merhaba Can, are you in London? Will you meet me at my place later? -

- Merhaba Polen, yes I arrived this morning, if you want we can meet for dinner in the restaurant of my hotel how about it? -

We agree on 8pm, I have just enough time to get back, take a quick shower and go downstairs to find her already in the lobby waiting for me.
She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek with a transport that, I don't know why, makes me uncomfortable. We reach the hotel restaurant and order, as soon as the waiter steps away he reaches across the table to take mine.
- So Can, how are you? How are you feeling after the accident? -

I lean my back against the chair and politely remove my hand from her, I don't feel comfortable with his attitude - I'm fine, I've fully recovered physically, but unfortunately there has been no significant progress with my amnesia.

- Your mother told me that you asked for me when you woke up, I knew that ultimately our relationship was as important to you as it was to me and that, once you got over the crush on that girl, you would realise that -

It bothers me enormously that Polen calls Sanem exactly as my mother does, with that "THAT GIRL" which sounds so much like a disparaging and derogatory term, I'm about to reply to her words when she's still speaking.

- Can, it doesn't matter to me what happened, it took you some time but I knew you would come back to me eventually, you can't have anything in common with someone like that.
We've shared so much in the years we've been together, we've always been similar in social background and lifestyle, for years we've been the most photographed couple at every social event here in London as well as in Istanbul, we were perfect together - Once again she reaches out a hand to take mine - It's useless for you to stay here in the hotel these days, how about packing your bags and coming to stay with me until you leave for Venezuela? -

I remain silent for a long time, unable to believe the absurdity of this situation, then my anger takes over.

- Polen, I don't remember exactly in what terms we broke up, but I guess I told you clearly how I felt about "that girl" who, incidentally, is called Sanem.

You must have known through my mother that we were close to getting married more than once and that only a few misunderstandings and my accident prevented us from doing so. Now you, knowing all this, have asked me to meet you to tell me this?

I wonder, what kind of woman are you? What kind of woman have I been seeing for so many years?

How can you think that you can take advantage of my moment of weakness to pretend that nothing has changed between us when you know very well that the reason we broke up is that I experienced a great love for another woman?

It's clear that you don't know me at all and you delude yourself that we are similar when I feel light years away from someone like you, a snobbish, calculating and manipulative woman just like my mother. I don't think we have anything in common anymore Polen, I accepted to see you in the name of the old friendship never would I have imagined such an attitude from you -

I stand up, I leave the money for the dinner on the table - I'm sorry Polen but I think it's useless even to have dinner together, I don't think I have anything in common with you and I have no desire to spend the evening together.

Hoşçakal, goodbye Polen -

I leave the restaurant and the hotel too bitter to go straight back to my room, I don't remember the last two years but I clearly remember the times when I was with Polen, is it possible that I didn't realise what kind of woman I had next to me?

I shake my head thinking that she is identical to Huma and I didn't realize it at all, perhaps the truest and most genuine Can was the one who loved Sanem and now I really don't think I know who I really am anymore.

I have a lot of work to do on myself in the months to come, it seems I have to first understand who I was before I met Sanem, who I have become thanks to her and then, the main question I have to find an answer to in the next three months is: who do I want to be in the future and above all with or without her?