Blossom Beach: Perfectly Wrong

Chapter 36

Jax

I'm sitting on Hailey's couch at her part of the house. I've been ignoring her almost the entire night, but it's only because I'm avoiding lying to her. I can't face her without feeling the guilt that has now permanently moved into my stomach. I thought distancing myself from her would make things easier, but I'm only hurting both of us.

Hailey walks over to me, a frown on her perfect face. I put that frown there. I'm a dick in more than one way.

"Why won't you talk to me?" She straddles my lap, and I inhale sharply. I can't touch her anymore. I want to push her off me because I feel like crying and punching a fucking wall. I want to touch her but the lies which have piled up have put an invisible barrier between us. A barrier, which causes me pain.

"There is nothing to talk about, Hailey," I respond, and she flinches. I hardly ever say her actual name, only when she's pleasuring me. Most importantly, however, I never use such a harsh tone when I speak to her.

"Okay, fine." She gets up and walks into the bathroom. A few minutes later she comes back out in her pajamas. She looks so beautiful, which makes my heartache.

"Want to go to bed?" I ask her, but she barely even nods.

"Yes," she replies eventually and holds out her hand for me to take it. When I do, she pulls me towards her bed.

We lie down in bed, and Hailey falls asleep quite quickly. The whole night long, I lie in her bed, just thinking about how messed up my life is. I killed my father in a car accident, Hailey's dad left her to fend for herself all those years because he took care of me, and I even admired that jerk for a long time. I almost throw up every single time I remind myself of all of this. My mind lingers on one specific question: If a man like William raised me all those years, then what kind of a man am I? Every day, this question pops into my head, and I can't find an answer, at least not one which satisfies me.

I stare at her for a while before I let the cold, hard truth sink in. I have to let her go. I gasp for breath as a tear escapes the corner of my eye. Every muscle in my body refuses to let me move. My body knows I need to stay with her a little bit longer before I leave. More tears fall from my eyes, and my muscles get heavier by the second, as everything numbs within me. When the last tear rolls down my cheek, I shut off my emotions. I let the numbness spread through my body completely.

I think about what I'll tell Hailey. The woman who proved to me over and over again how incredible she is. The woman I'm convinced is the love of my life. The woman who helped me patch things up with Mother and loves my siblings as much as they love her. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. The woman I'm never going to be good enough for. I try to remind myself of that every few minutes. I'm a liar. Hailey doesn't deserve the monster I am.

I get out of bed and sit in the chair across the room. I watch her sleep because I can't bring myself to close my eyes. I can't sleep knowing in only a few hours, I will tell the first woman I've ever fallen in love with that I'm leaving.