Existential (Bechloe)

46%

Beca was shutting everyone out again. All except for one person and that was Chloe. She had a good week; she went to school and managed to mend things with Benji and the rest. She still wasn't talking to her sister and things with Jesse were still touchy but she was happy for a while. All of the changed when Saturday came.

The brunette had just gotten out of the shower when she went to her room and shut the door. She grabbed her earphones and laid on her bed, turning her music on and just staring up at the ceiling.

She hated this. She hated when she got sad at the most random times. It was like depression came and ruined the party. That party was her happiness and when she was happy, she felt like she was on top of the world. She felt grateful and excited. Then it came and she hated it. She didn't want to do anything. Sometimes she would want to do things but then nothing at all.

She just didn't want to be at all.

She didn't want to die, she just didn't want to be. She didn't want to exist.

It probably didn't make any sense to those who were lucky enough to never deal with this shit, but to those who did, it made perfect sense.

She would lay in bed, her mind and body practically shutting down and the day would go by agonizingly slow. That's what sucked the most honestly. Well, it was a mix of things. She would lay in bed feeling nothing and wanting to be nothing, she didn't want to do anything but then when she was tired of doing nothing, she would want to do something. However, because she had no motivation to do anything, she just laid in bed and waited for the day to end.

Beca was listening to music when all of a sudden she broke down. She covered her face with her hands and cried hard. So hard that her chest hurt but what made it hurt worse was the silence of it all. Her dad and sister were home but her father also had a few friends over so she was trying to be quiet. She had to or else they'd know she wasn't okay and come asking what was wrong.

She didn't want that. She didn't want anyone asking questions and she didn't want to be a bother. She also just didn't want to be around anyone. Well, one person but she went with her parents on a weekend trip to see her family up north. Beca didn't want to bother her so here she was in bed starting to hyperventilate from the lack of oxygen.

All of a sudden her hands shot out to the side and her eyes opened wide as she let out a silent scream. Tears were streaming down her face at a fast rate and her heart was racing even faster. Her chest was heaving up and down as she tried to catch her breath without making a sound but it felt impossible. It felt as if someone was sitting on her chest and not letting up.

She hated this so much. She hated when she was happy and all of a sudden she felt like shit. And she would rather be tortured with wolfsbane all over again than to feel how she felt in these moments.

She tried desperately not to think. Normal life seemed like an impossible goal, distant and unthinkable. She was shaken at the mere thought of getting out of bed, of dressing. She tried everything to distract herself, but nothing was working so what did she do? She cried more. She started to get angry with herself. Angry because she couldn't distract herself when she needed to. Angry at being sad, angry at how selfish she was. It was incredibly selfish of her to want to talk to Chloe about her shitty problems while she was busy having fun. She shouldn't need Chloe every time she gets a little sad. And she was mad she couldn't fix herself.

This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to her, to her friends, or her family. They didn't deserve how she treated them when she got like this. They all deserved the good version of Beca. The happy Beca. The funny, sarcastic, self-deprecating Beca. That's the Beca they all deserved. Not some pathetic excuse of a person.