divorced

decision-making

Coming back from helping a customer with an artist, gulf was to his desk, sitting, looking down, bouncing the bottom of his pen to a piece of paper.
Taking a deep breathe, he started to think about what happened a few hours earlier.
Why...... Did you...... With your ex..... In your girls bathroom.....
Signing, gulf placed the pen down, to wrap his arms around to keep his eyes to the desk.
It..... Does have to do with, being a bit selfish. Never really have been since before my first.
Gulf chewed at his cheek to peer his eyes to his company phone.
I..... Have been so.... Wrapped in this guilt for so many years, thought it was my fault him and Santi broke up, that they didn't work out, thought it was because he cheated  on him with me, but they weren't even together.
Gulfs eyes narrowed.
If..... He didn't cheat on Santi maybe he didn't cheat on me with.....
Gulf shook his head, to hang it, bringing his hands up to either side of his head, he closed his eyes to take deep breathes.
These two things are not the same! You were there gulf, you saw there embrace, that fucking secretary you met a few times around his office when you went was there, in our home, on....
Gulf groaned to grit his teeth.
Taking deep breathes, his body shuttered in anger.
Bringing his hands down, he then got up, to gather his things to his bag, to then leave. He was working over time anyway, so gulf was able to leave.
Moving through the show floor, he went past his boss, who turned to eye his back..
"Are you leaving?"
Gulf stopped, to nod..
"I only have a bit of work left to do, will it be alright if I finish it at home?"
Stepping to gulf, he smiled.
"Of course, it's 10, you should have gone home hours ago, thank you for your good work. Um....I know this is probably..... Unprofessional but...."
Gulf took a deep breathe to then go forward.
"I'm sorry, I really need to go. Thank you."
His boss watched him go to sign a bit sullenly. He was hoping to ask gulf on a date.
Shrugging he went back to work.
Gulf got to his car, to throw his bag to the passenger side to start the car quick.
Going home in speed, he went straight to his medicine cabinet for the anxiety meds.
Two were placed to his palm, he eyed them to take a deep breathe.
Turning with his head hung, he went to the couch, to sit to the edge, brows furrowed softly.
I..... Don't want.... To take you..... You make me feel so..... Tired and not like myself but.... What I'm feeling now......god why did I have to.....
Gulf leaned his body to the back of the couch to keep looking to the pills.
I...... Was going to talk to him... However when I tried...... It's Just.....I started to get an...... Anxiety attack.... Then..... When I eyed him..... He looked so..... Sad...... And.... Cute....
Gulf took a deep breathe, to wrap his fingers over the pills, to then let his hand limply with them to the side, he turned his head to place his other hand to his forehead to rub a bit to close his eyes.
You..... Are pathetic..... The man, has been lying to you for the last 16 fucking years, also he did actually cheat on you with that secretary, there is no mistaking that but, even though our relationship was built on a lie, I'm so..... Relieved that it was..... True..... That Santi yesterday confirmed that for me, that also drove me to, give myself to him..... The guilt I have been feeling for so many years washed through me, but, when I tried to start talking, trying to find out more, I couldn't, stop myself, was going into an anxiety attack, then...... When I saw him..... Started to do what I did..... It.... Went away.....
Placing his hand down, he opened his eyes to turn his head to un wrap his fingers to eye the two little pills.
Your..... Not the only thing...... That can help me..... But.... The alternative is..... Sex with my ex.....my lying, manipulative, cheating, sensitive, a bit un orthodox, handsome....
Gulf groaned to sign.
God damn it!
Standing, he looked forward, balling his one hand to his side, keeping the pills in his palm, he looked forward to dart his eyes.
I want this....... Feeling too go away, but I don't want to take these fucking pills, but.....I told him to meet me Sunday, not today.
He signed.
Damn it! This is not okay, you can't just use him to.....
Gulf turned his head to move his hand up to move his fingers back to look to his pills.
Maybe......I can use him...... Maybe I can be a bit selfish...... He has been the selfish one so many times in our life, been so selfish for not telling me sooner about the lie he told the first day we met, made me, think this way for 16 fucking years!
But...... Do I want his dick...... More then I should just take these pills? Can I..... Do that..... Use him? Be selfish? Or..... Should I..... Just take these and.....
Gulfs eyes darted, questioning himself.
He knew in his heart it wouldn't be just for his dick but gulf was trying to keep that feeling deep inside. Taking a deep breathe, he stared to the pills intently to really think.
To mews home
Even though it was late, he was before the counter, a bit in a happy mood, to mix cookie batter together. Hearing his cell to off, hinta jumped down from the other side of the counter to reached in his pants poket to answer. Hota who sat to the other side eyed her. Mew looked to hinta to raise his eye brows.
"Hey..... Don't just answer the...."
"Oh hi daddy, how are you?"
Mew smiled to then turn his head back to whisk the batter. Hota's eyes lit up to then jump down to go to hinta, pulling on her arm.
"Let me talk.... Let me talk....I miss him too...."
Mews face fell a bit, he was missing gulf has well, he couldn't wait for Sunday.
Hintas eyes darted to step to mew to raise the phone to him to eye.
"He..... Wants to talk to you."
Hota's eyes widen, has did mews, that wasn't normal.
Mew stepped back to grab his phone to eye the girls, they looked to him then reach other with a hopeful smirk to then go to the living room.
"Um..... Gulf? Why are you..... Calling so late? The girls are fine, sorry to say this, I'm spoiling them with....."
"Mew..... Um..... Would you be able to..... Meet me at our hotel room.... Right now?"
Mews eyes widen.
"Are you.... There?"
"Yes...... And..... I've been..... Drinking a bit..... Can you..... Come?"
Mews eyes darted.
"Mmm, I'm sure..... I'll be able to..... And make you......has well..... I'll call your mother to come and watch the girls since they are a bit closer."
"Mmm...... Hurry then...... You.... Know how I get.... When I've been...."
Mew smiled.
"I know gulf......I know...... Be there soon..... Wait for me."
"I'll try." He said into the phone.
Hanging it up, gulf sat to the edge, to look at the un opened rum bottle to place his phone next to it to the table.
This..... Isn't right.... But..... Rather do this..... Then take those fucking pills.....I know..... This is not a good thing..... Doesn't solve a thing..... We need to talk.....I know this.... But..... Knowing the real truth about these two.....a big weight has been taken off.....I don't feel...... Guilty..... It's the first time in 16 years I don't feel that way..... So.....I want to finally be a bit.... Selfish..... Act a bit.... Childish.. Wild...... Never really have been those things before...... Was always the responsible one, always the considerate one....
Gulf took a deep breathe to grab the bottle to then un screw the cap, to toss it behind to keep his hand wrapped around the neck, eyeing.
Tonight...... Be selfish...... Get your fill for once.....I know I'll have to talk to him..... Have a very deep, serious conversation but..... For right now......I..... Just don't want to really think about it, I know that is part of our problem, all what has happened, was not solely because of mew..... But me.....has guilt started to wash through him has it always did, he lifted his head back to place the bottle to his lips to consume. A lone tear fell down the side of his eye, he regretted this choice, but not in full, he wanted his ex, needed him, like always, but knew this was going to be just sex.