Unexpeted

Ch. 28

Elianas pov

"What's going on Ella?"

I look up from my phone to see him sitting at the end of my bed, "A lot."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.

I lock my phone and set it beside me in the bed keeping my stare on him, "I heard my mom say she made a mistake keeping me and had she thought about the fact I was an 18 year commitment, she wouldn't have. That hurt, like a lot. I stayed with Sirah last nights because I'm pretty sure my mom wanted to cry over Victoria leaving her, then I wake up to my mom asking if I want to live with Dallas. Not really. I didn't. I don't know why, but no matter how bad my mom is, I'll chose to stay with her over anyone else anyway. I don't know why. I hate her, I do, but at the same time time when I'm given the option to leave her I hurt and all the reasons why I resent her and hate her leave my mind. I quickly choose her and I don't know why. After what I heard, I knew she wasn't wanting me. So I said yes, but I don't really and it just all really sucks. All this time I kept telling myself she cares, it's just my mind trying to tell me untrue things. But it wasn't, I heard her say it herself. My self doubt isn't even self doubt, it's just my brain telling me true things."

"Eliana, I'm so sorry. I know this is hard, I can't even imagine how much pain you're in." He says.

"What's new? If it's not physical, she manages mental and emotional." I say.

Despite my watery weird blurring my vision, I see the pain in his face knowing I'm hurting.

"Do you think she's doing this because she's hurting over Victoria? Or do you think this is something she isn't going to regret?" He asks.

"It's something she isn't going to regret." I say.

I feel him wipe my tears and I keep my eyes on him, "Your aunt cares a lot about you Eliana, I think that this is good. She's not going to hurt you or be the reason behind your anxiety attacks."

"But my own mom doesn't even want me." I sob.

Without hesitation, he pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me allowing me to cry into his chest.

"She's all I have. I don't even know who my dad is or anything. I've always just been stuck with her and it's like a double blow. Neither of them are here for me now. My mom doesn't want me at all and sees me as nothing more than a mistake. My dad, he probably doesn't even know I exist and even if he did he wouldn't want me. I don't have parents. All I have is my aunt and my moms friends who take turns parenting and babysitting me. Because all I do is get rotated around. You were the closest thing I ever had to a parent and my mom wouldn't even let me see you when she realized I was closer with you. She's jealous of the relationship we have for what reason? She doesn't even want it. I've tried and she pushes me away. She's beat the living crap out of me, put me in a hospital, and yet I forgave her and offered her unconditional love for so long. Yet she wanted none of it." I cry.

His hands lightly rub my back as I just cry.

"I know Ella, it's not your fault. None of it is your fault. You're an amazing little girl and it's your moms loss. I don't understand how or why she had done what she has to you, I never will. She's so lucky to have a daughter like you and it truly blows my mind to see her not even realize it. You've got an amazing heart and gave her chance after chance. She didn't deserve that."

"I just want her to love me." I cry.

Why doesn't she? Why can't she love me? Why doesn't she ever say it and mean it? When she says it, it always sounds like it's meaningless or it absolutely pains her to say. Or she says it defensively like 'of course I love Eliana' as if saying that in that tone makes it true.

"Oh Ella." I hear him sigh holding me tighter.

"And she doesn't." I cry.

"So many people love you. It's so extremely difficult to not. You're so sweet and have the kindest heart. You are a beautiful little girl with so much talent. I love you so much, Dallas loves you so much, Madison loves you so much, Sirah loves you so much, Matthew loves you so much, Lauren loves you so much, you know Marissa still loves you so much, your grandparents love you so much, a lot of your moms fans love you so much, your friends love you so much. Ella, so many people love you." He says.

"None of them are my mom." I cry.

I wish I could just get over it by looking at all the people who love me even if my mom doesn't. Trust me, I have tried. I wish to be able to just do it that way. But I can't. No matter how many other people love me I will always want my moms approval and love.

"I know kiddo, but we all are here for you and love you. We always will love you." He says.

"I know." I cry.

But it doesn't make me feel any better. Not even the slightest bit. I wish it did, but it doesn't. It never will. It's good that I have people to bounce to when I don't have my mom, but it doesn't mean that's how I want it. I'd drop everyone in a heartbeat if it meant my mom would care. I hate to admit it, but I would.

*time skip*

It's a while before I stop crying and I think the only reason I have, is because I've run out of tears. I feel so much pain in my chest and so down. So I know I'm far from over it.

"Do you maybe want to try and get some sleep? You look tired Ella." He says.

I give a small nod before crawling out of his lap. He lifts the blankets up and I get beneath them and he tucks me in. He wipes the tears from my face as I take a few deep breaths trying to fully calm down.

With where I'm at now, it'll be a bit hard to sleep. I'm still so upset so I really need to calm down before I can try and sleep.

"Do you want me to leave or stay until you go to sleep?" He asks.

"Stay."

I move into my side and look at the wall across the room as he rubs my back gently. Doing what he used to do when I was little after my mom upset me. Crazy how some things just never change.

It's a while before my stomach finally stops aching and my anxiety settles down and I'm able to relax enough to attempt sleep. But Wilmer knows me too well and knows that despite my eyes being closed, I'm not asleep. So he keeps his silent promise and continues to rub my back.

As my eyes get heavy it's harder to fight the sleep and eventually I cave into it. It'll be interesting to see how long it is I actually sleep for though. I'm sure s nightmare should happen soon enough.