Unexpeted

Ch. 2

Elianas pov

The only sound heard from me the rest of the session with my mom and I is silence. I don't say another word and it's just my mom dumping her feelings out to Jordyn.

"I'd like to do a session with Eliana alone right now." Jordyn says.

My mom nods before quietly walking out of the room and I turn my head to Jordyn. She pulls my file out from beneath her calendar and opens it up, "Are you ok with talking about why you aren't telling your mom about the nightmares?" She asks.

"I can't tell her something when it's about her." I say.

"Can you explain for me?" She asks.

I feel my hands get sweaty as my heart rate picks up, I hate this topic so much. I haven't told anyone the truth of the nightmares, it's something I've kept to myself. I don't even like to think about them.

"My nightmares are about my moms overdose and reliving that in my sleep. Or just nightmares that haven't happened in relation to that where she dies from an overdose. Or she drinks and uses. But the nightmares always are about her and drugs, alcohol, and death." I say.

Jordyn looks at me with so much sympathy, "How long has that been happening for?" She asks.

"Since before the overdose happened." I say quietly.

"Can you think about what might have triggered them?" She asks.

I look down at my jeans needing to avoid eye contact now, it's too hard to talk and look at Jordyn anymore.

"I came home from school early one day because I was super overwhelmed at school. Aunt Dallas had to pick me up and drop me off at home. She knew my mom was there so she didn't stay. I went to my moms room to talk and she was sleeping and there was a needle on her nightstand. Before the nightmares I felt like were warning me of what could happen to my mom. But I didn't think my mom was using the amount she was, she never seemed like it, so I didn't tell anyone. Then after the overdose happened, I feel like the nightmares are there to remind me it's my fault. Because I knew and I didn't tell anyone." I say.

She shakes her head, "Eliana none of it is your fault. You had absolutely no idea what was going on at the time. Your mom didn't want you to know any details of what was going on. She didn't want anyone to know, but especially not her daughter. You can not blame yourself Eliana, it's her job to take care of you not the other way around. She hid it all because she didn't want anyone to know how serious things were. It's absolutely not your fault for what happened, happening."

I've heard it from my aunt, she tells me this often. But no one can convince me otherwise. It is my fault. How is it not? If my mom uses once, that's bad in itself. Because she's broken her sobriety. But I didn't say anything to anyone that I knew she used once. It is my fault. Somone could've gotten her help way before what happened, happened. So yes, it is my fault.

"Do you think about the day you came home from school and seeing what you saw often?" Jordyn asks.

I give a small nod, "Is there a reason you think about it often?" She asks.

"Because selfishly I miss that point in time. Even though she was on a lot of different drugs, she was a better mom to me than she is now. She payed so much attention to me and things were actually good between us. It's like once she got out of rehab and sober and cared more about herself, then all she's been on the hunt for is a relationship. I now come second. It's like she only cared about me before because I was the only person who she knew would love her in that point of time and she needed some form of validation, so she would spend as much time with me as she could to remind herself that at least I think she's a good person and mom even if everyone else didn't. But now that she has so many people on social media telling her how great of a mom she is when she posts photos of me, why would she need me to tell her I love her or she's the best mom? Everyone else is hyping her up. She's got validation. I'm a kid, I want my moms attention and love and I don't have it. I miss it so I'm always thinking about to the period I had both." I say.