Unexpeted

Ch. 5

Elianas pov

Just as I'm about to fall into a deep sleep, I feel my bed dip and I jump back as my heart races. I see my mom sitting at the end of my bed but the sight doesn't comfort me any.

She looks at me sympathetically, "I'm sorry I scared you."

No you're not, because you wouldn't have done it if you were. As in yesterday. You knew I was terrified and yet you still yelled at me and scared me.

I watch her pull my phone from my pocket and set it on my nightstand before turning her head to me, "Can we talk?" She asks.

I keep my back as far into my wall as I possibly can to create as much space between us as I can before giving a small nod.

Unable to make eye contact with me, she looks down at my bed, "I've got to go to New York for a month and I'm not allowed to bring you. I know that staying here with Victoria would've be something you'd want to do, so I called Wilmer and he said you could stay with him." She says.

"Ok." I say quietly.

She looks at me guiltily, "Are you going to be ok with this?"

With the lack of trust I have with you, for sure. I have more trust in Wilmer right now and am happy to be somewhere I'll have attention, guidance, and love. Because right now, I get none of that from you.

"Yes." I say quietly.

"Are you sure? I can cancel."

"I'm sure."

The two of us hands down need a break from one another. I mean, that's for sure. This will give us 4 weeks away from one another which is needed. Plus I'll get to spend time with Wilmer which I haven't gotten to do in a long then. And trust me, if you've spent time with Wilmer, you'd want to go back to his house. It's fun. Do you KNOW how many times I've gotten to go to Disneyworld?! Or just places my mom refuses to take me in general?!

"I promise I'll FaceTime you everyday." She says.

As sad as it is to say, I won't miss you that much. Not after the past few days. You always make saying goodbye rather easy for me. Because we haven't had a close relationship in a long time which makes it very easy to watch you just walk away. What do I have to miss? Not my mom because my mom hasn't been here for a while.

"Ok."

"I'll talk to him and see if you can still see Dallas on Wednesday, I know you really wanted to." She says.

I mean I don't want to that badly now. Wilmer can take me ice skating. He's more fun anyway. I love my aunt and all, but I can't deal with THAT much energy right now. I don't mean to sound rude, but I can't. I'm too down to want to be around someone that happy. I'll snap and just end up hurting them. Wilmers much calmer than her and so I won't have all this energy around me driving me crazy. It's why I don't like doing anything when I'm this low, because I know I hurt a lot of people if I do.

"I don't want to anymore, Jordyn will kill the mood anyway."

"I'm not sure Jordyn will make you do the appointment on Wednesday if she sees you Monday."

"She said it was because I had a lot to say and needed two sessions a week. That's not going to change just because I don't do it with you. Two sessions would be a lot more beneficial than one."

She gives a small nod, "I understand."

No, no you don't. You really don't.

I break the eye contact with her and choose to look at my window as I feel my moms stare piercing through me, "I'm sorry about yesterday."

I'm not, I said what I felt and I don't really have anything to be sorry about. I can't help the fact what I feel is the truth. Everyone knows it but you.

"Ok."

"I'm giving you your phone back because I shouldn't have taken it to begin with."

Or because Victoria made you feel guilty and you decided to give it back because she said to. But I guess it's the same thing to her right?

"Ok."

I hear her let out a weak laugh, "Is ok all you can say today?"

More like all I'm willing to say because I don't want to have a conversation with you really at all. I just went to be left alone to pack and then go to Wilmers tomorrow. That's it.

I say nothing and I watch her try and push my hair out of my face but due to my fear and lack of trust, I flinch and tense up. I feel my heart race quicker than ever and as I begin to shake, my mom just looks at me absolutely crushed.

Without saying another word she gets up and walks out of my room. The second she does, I run to my closet and lock it. I move all the way to the right and sit with my back against the side wall.

Please don't let me go into an anxiety attack, please don't let me go into an anxiety attack, please don't let me go into an anxiety attack.

Demi's pov

"What's wrong?" Victoria asks.

"She's scared of me. As in terrified of me." I say.

She looks at me confused, "What did you say to her?"

"I just let her know she was going to stay with Wilmer and her responses were extremely short and most ok. I pushed the hair out of her face and she flinched and started shaking." I say.

"Give her a little bit of time Demi. Maybe her going to Wilmers will be a good thing. Maybe he can talk her out of how she feels about some things. He's still your friend and he's not going to side against you when he knows your her mom. Things with her aren't really the best all over. The depression, anxiety, all of it. So I'm not sure all of this is just her actually being scared of her." She says.

"No, she's never flinched when I have touched her. Ever." I say.

"Well, you scared her pretty bad yesterday Dems. All you can do right now is prove to her why she shouldn't be scared of you. You've got to handle punishing differently because obviously it does a lot more than result in better behavior." She says.

I'm really going to have to send my daughter to my ex boyfriends house tomorrow and have her scared of me when I do that. There won't be an 'I'll miss you' or an 'I love you' tomorrow. This is not what I want to do at all.

"Should I do something with her today?" I ask.

"I'd let her be Demi, just let her decompress and pack." She says.

"But is that what I'm supposed to do? I feel like I'm supposed to fix things with her. I just want to fix things. How is me leaving it alone fixing it?" I ask.

"Because you fixing it, isn't going to be fixing it. Her feelings won't change in a single day. It's going to take time to fix things. Letting her have space to herself right now is the best thing you can do."

So not parenting my daughter is the best thing I can do right now? How did I end up here with Eliana? I don't understand. What did I do that lead to her fear me and not want to be around me this much?

I just want my daughter back. I want the relationship we used to have. I hate where things are right now. The worse they get, the less hope I have that any of it will get better.