Liz's Book of Shit✐ Announcements, Miscellaneous, and Randomness! ✐

❄All I want for Christmas is a Bitch❄ ✰Vanitas✰ (YesterdaysMemories)

ღ✎Authoress's Noteღ✎: Crackfics are the best kind of Fic ok. XD I could have made this super cute and fluffy, but then I was like naaaahhhh. I'm like Roxas at the end of the Secret Santa oneshot. “It’s so sweet that I'm going to be sick.” So, I needed this. Lissi, I hope you enjoy some quality Vanny time anyways. There’s a little bit of fluff hidden in there somewhere. XD Maybe. XD So yea! Hurrah for the holidays and all that good shit! XD

Everyone knew that Vanitas was a Grinch. It was an undeniable fact. While everyone else basked in the warm glow of the holiday season, Vanitas absolutely detested it. (What was the point of getting excited over a damn lump of coal anyways?) He especially detested having to stay at Ventus, Terra, Aqua, and Eraqus’s place since he was somehow considered part of their extended family.

“Van! Hey, can you take the picture for the Christmas card?” Ventus asked. The little piece of sunny shit ran over to him wearing some sweater that a blind old bat must’ve knitted. How the fuck am I related to this thing? Ventus held out a holopad to him, probably assuming that he was going to be nice for once in his life and agree.

“Alright, alright,” Van said, smirking as he took the holopad. He watched the four of them line up in front of a tree, and he vaguely realized that this was going to be the photo for their Christmas card that they made him take every damn year.

“Alright! We’re ready!” They called out once they were lovingly positioned in a huddle in front of the Christmas tree. Vanitas clicked some buttons on screen, quickly taking the picture, adding a caption, and sending it off. Before they realized, he took a picture of the four of them and made it look like he sent it to the photographer.

“I'm going out now.” He tossed the holopad over his shoulder, making his way towards the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were in your kitchen making cookies when you heard the doorbell ring. You froze slightly, glancing at the door as if it were some monster. I swear. If it’s Vanitas, here about that goddamned favor I owe him after I lost that bet the other day…

You walked cautiously over to the door, peering in the peephole and letting out a little sigh of relief when you saw Ven standing there instead. You opened the door in all your flour covered glory.

“Hey Ven, what’s up?”

“Have you seen Van? I'm going to kill him.”

“Van? No. I haven’t seen the spawn of Satan running around lately, thankfully. Though if I do, I’ll give you a call.”

“Thanks. He messed up our Christmas photo.”

“Again?”

“Again.”

“Why don’t you have someone else take it?”

Ven deadpanned at you. “(Name). We always take that thing last minute. It’s either Vanitas or Xehanort. And I'm pretty sure that Xehanort would put some tagline like ‘May Kingdom Hearts fill you with Darkness this year.’”

“True. Or you could hire an actual photographer to do it?”

“Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Look, I gotta go find Van and murder him. I’ll see you later,” Ven said as he ran off.

“Well that was close.”

You shrieked as you closed the door, and a cookie was abruptly shoved into your mouth, muffling the sound.

“Don’t be so loud woman. Damn.”

“Van! What the hell are you doing here- and did you eat all my fucking cookies?” You glared darkly at the boy, feeling your eye twitch in pure irritation. You really were tempted to call Ven back and have him mangle this boy for you.

“I came to eat all your fucking cookies. Besides. You owe me.”

Of course he wouldn’t forget about that.

“What do you want?”

“Well I'm hiding here from Sunshine McGee and the rest of them.”

“Fine.” You supposed it wasn’t as bad as you expected. This was Vanitas after all. You half thought that he’d force you into running around and ruining Christmas with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow, you ended up on your sofa with Van, the two of you wrapped up in a blanket and watching Christmas Movies in the dark, with cookies between the two of you.

♫ You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. ♫

“Hey look Van, it’s you.” You pointed at the green figure on screen, smirking as the golden eyed boy glowered at you.

“I look a thousand times hotter than him.”

“Yea, but look. He’s off to ruin Christmas. That’s like you in a nutshell.”

He didn’t even argue with you on that one, just took a sip of his hot chocolate. “Well then you’re my bitch.”

“Excuse me?” You sat back and glared at him.

He pointed on screen, at Max, the Grinch’s dog. “You’re my bitch. Even when I fuck shit up, you’ll tag along.”

“… You do realize that dog’s a guy, right?”

“Whatever. You’re still my bitch.” Even though he said that, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer to him. “This house is fucking freezing. So you’re obligated to keep me warm.”

When in reality, the house was perfectly toasty. You indulged him though, knowing that he only showed off this side of him when the two of you were alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Christmas, the card that Ven has been fuming about finally arrived, along with a present that didn’t have any name on it. You had to open the card that Vanitas fucked up, just because you know it would be a good laugh. Instead of seeing Eraqus, Terra, Ven, and Aqua’s smily faces, you were greeted by Van’s deadpan expression. The only caption was, “Merry Christmas you filthy animals.”

You burst out laughing. Then you glanced at the present, wondering who it was from. You opened the carefully wrapped box, ready for anything to jump out. You saw a small card on top of the folded red fabric that read: ‘To my Bitch. I’ll be over on Christmas’. And you instantly knew it was Vanitas. You lifted the contents of the box, only to reveal some silky red lingerie.

You ripped the card in your hand, feeling your eye twitch as you did so “Vanitas I'm going to fucking banish you into the darkness you came from.”

Wait. How the fuck does he know my size?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey! You wearing my gift?” Vanitas called as he broke into your house with your spare key.

“Eat coal, you bastard!!” You beaned him from the top of your stairs with the black lumps.

“Hey! What the- oww that hurt! How much of that shit do you have?!”

“I asked Ven, Aqua, Terra, and Eraqus to give me the mountains of coal you’ve been getting for Christmas since you were a kid.”