rare. |a.k.|

seven|broken

𝔸𝕨𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕟'𝕤 ℙ𝕆𝕍

I felt dead.

I felt completely fucking sick.

There's no reason to even get out of bed.

It was our third day on tour and I physically could not function. I just laid in my bunk and cried, the only time I got out was to do shows and piss. I hadn't eaten anything substantial in three days, just fruits and granola bars the guys brought me. I wanted her back. I wanted to hold her.

But she didn't want me, and that stung. It stung and ached. It was like I got stabbed with a knife and my heart kicked a wall at the same time. I hadn't been on social media, only because I knew she was posting about me. Our breakup wasn't public yet, either.

"Awsten?" Geoff said, walking into the bunk area. I rolled over so my back was facing him. "Look, I don't know if you're awake or not, but I'm just gonna say this. We're going out to go do a thing and you're gonna be here alone and I hate that. I hate it. Because Awsten, I smell it. I know what alcohol smells like, and I smell it on you. You don't drink. You shouldn't drink, take from someone who does. It doesn't help. But we have to go, so I encourage you to get up at some point because you won't need to worry about anyone here seeing you. Just, take care of yourself. I don't want to come back here and see... well, you know."

He patted me on the back and walked out. Once I heard everyone leave, I took Geoff's advice and rolled out of my bunk. I saw myself in the mirror and sighed. I looked horrible. As much as I hated bus showers, I grabbed out some clean clothes and walked into the bathroom. I brushed my hair out with my fingers and put the clothes on the counter, before I walked in the shower and pressed the little button to turn the water on.

I stood in the hot water and cried. I cried as I washed my hair, my body, my face. I cried as I got out and dried myself off. I cried as much as I needed to. See, I don't mind crying, it doesn't make me feel weak or anything, I just hate crying around people where someone can see me in a very vulnerable moment. I only cried in-front of Charlie because I couldn't stop myself.

I cried, and then I got an idea.

"Am I dealing with a break up or a break down?"

I repeated the phrase in my head over and over until I grabbed a notebook and scribbled it down. As I got dressed and made myself food, I started writing this song in my head. I basically got a piece of paper, vented, and turned it into a song. I grabbed my guitar and picked a lower note and just started strumming. After about an hour, I pumped out an entire breakup song.

It wasn't much, but it was how I felt. I recorded it on my phone and posted it on my person YouTube account. Plain black screen and titled "Worst", I decided it was time for everyone to know what the fuck was up. Not even 5 minutes later, someone had found it and I immediately started getting flooded with Tweets.

"@awsten Hi are you okay?"

I sighed and Tweeted with a reply.

"YES MINUS THE SUFFERING FROM THE MAXIMUM POSSIBLE BETRAYAL A HUMAN SOUL CAN MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY FEEL FROM SOMEONE THEY TRUSTED MOST WITH THEIR ENTIRE LIFE AND FUTURE BUT YA MAN LOL ALSO I JUST LEARNED VIA THIS TWEET I HAVE 280 CHARACTERS WHAT A WORLD WOWIE"

I rubbed my eyes because they were incredibly sore. I had to admit, taking a shower and eating proper food did make me feel better. Geoff was right, you could smell it on me. I, although disappointed in myself, wasn't opposed to drinking again.