[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

21.

The bus thundered down the empty motorway. We'd had a nice night all together. Coop, the sound guy, Ben the stage director and Greg the photographer all joined in too. They were all such a nice group of guys. I'd learnt a lot about Will and Kyle and I'd told them all about my passion for helping others, when for so long I'd been helpless. I'd touched on how I'd been homeless for a while and how I'd taken control of my life finally. Then the beer had run out and I'd told them all it was time for bed.

I could hear Woody and Will taking in their bunks. Kyle was downstairs on the phone to his girlfriend. Dan was sat alone watching tv in the living area. Ready for bed in my pyjamas but not ready to sleep yet, I knocked on the door and entered.

'Hey, what you watching?' I asked, hovering in the doorway. Now was my chance.

'Final Destination 5.' He didn't look away from the screen.

'May I join you?'

'Sure.' He moved up the sofa, making space for me in amongst all the bags, take out boxes and shoes. We watched in silence but I wasn't paying attention to the film. I was trying to work up the courage to speak to him. I couldn't go on any longer with this tension in the air. Someone had to break.

I took a deep breath in and went to speak. But he turned around and startled me by speaking first.

'Lily, I'm really sorry for how I've been behaving.'

'I was about to say the same thing.' I said. We each laughed nervously. He ran his hand through his hair, copying my exact motion. 'Dan, I can't even begin to apologise for what I did...'

'Theres no need, honestly, I get it.' He shrugged. 'Its me that needs to explain.'

'But the way I left, that wasn't fair. I just...I woke up that morning and I realised how much you'd done for me and how I would never be able to repay you. And I was terrified that I was going to get stuck again, like I had done with Steve and I know you're a good man, but I just couldn't...I did love you, but it was just too much...'

'Lily.' He placed a hand on my knee and gave me a sweet smile. 'I know. I've never resented you for what happened. Getting married and hiding those job interveiws from you was a stupid idea, a selfish idea, but I just wanted to keep you safe.'

I began to cry. I didnt mean to. But the weight of what I'd done was unforgivable. I had let this amazing soul take care of me and then I had walked away. At the time my head had been so full and wrecked that I hadnt been able to see how much he loved me. And just to make me feel worse, he comforted me.

'You've done noting wrong.' I told him. I could feel myself falling apart as he held me in those arms where I'd once found safety. I felt so small against I him, like that little scared girl I'd been. But I felt like I was home.

'I'm so sorry.' I kept saying, over and over. He stroked my hair, gently shushing me.

'Never be sorry for anything you've done. You're the sweetest, kindest girl I've ever met and I know you'd never do anything to hurt anyone on purpose. It was hard when you left but I knew why you had to. I was just glad I got to share those months with you, and I'm so happy that I helped you get where you are today.'

I knew he was trying to help but with each kind word, I felt worse. He dried my tears with the sleeve of his hoody and made me look right at him with his hand under my chin.

'I'm just glad you're ok.' He smiled. 'If you want to be friends, then I'd like that.'

'Yeah, me too. We're not telling people about...about the whole marriage thing, right?' I asked tenderly.

'Not a good idea.' He shook his head. I think we each knew that it was too late for the truth to come out now without some serious repercussions in the band.

'Ok.' I agreed.