[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

12.

'Woo!' Kyle screamed as we came off stage. The first night of our first ever headline tour had gone amazingly well. We were all feeling incredibly happy right then. Not even the dark shadow that had been cast over me could stop me smiling. Lily congratulated us all by handed us each a cold beer.

'Wicked show guys.' She beamed. I was glad she had said that, as she was a massive part of how we'd got to this point. If she hadn't of set up those first few shows for me, made the myspace page and helped find my bandmates, I wouldn't have been there. If only she'd let me speak to her so I could express my gratitude. Maybe then she wouldn't hate me so much.

It was normal for us to enjoy a few drinks backstage before heading back to the hotel. After the excitement of the show and the adrenaline, we always needed something to relax. There was no point trying to sleep when your body was full of energy, no matter how exhausting it was. But midnight came as we got into our normal party mode and I saw Lily nervously checking her phone. I'd noticed she hadn't had a drink herself.

I nudged Kyle and nodded towards her.

'Go see if she's ok?' I asked. He smirked at me.

'Why? Got broken legs or something?' I hadn't counted on him asking why I couldn't talk to her. And I knew I'd set off his suspicions. He wasn't a stupid guy. He'd soon be putting two and two together. Did he know her last name? Did she even still use my name? I had to be wary of what I said and how I acted from now on.

'You just get on better with her than I do.' His eyes glared at me for a moment as though he was weighing up what I'd said. But he took her over a drink and began talking to her. I stared down at my phone until he came back five minutes later.

'She wants us to round up soon and get an early night. She said something about us getting a tourbus tomorrow.' Kyle relayed the information.

We drank up and loaded into the van. We didn't want to go flouting her rules on the second day.

'Night guys.' Lily called as my bandmates entered their hotel rooms after the ten minute ride over. I stood back and let her unlock the hotel door. We'd be on our own with nothing to distract us from the situation we'd found ourselves in. But she went right in and opened up her laptop, putting on reading glasses I didn't know she needed, and making phonecalls at the little desk by the tv. I felt somewhat like a spare part. I turned on the tv, on mute, but at two in the morning there was nothing on. I played with my phone for a while as I lay on the bed. After ten minutes of almost total silence I'd had enough.

'I'm jumping in the shower, do you want to use the bathroom before I...?' I asked quietly in between her phonecalls. She shook her head.

I was grateful to get some space. Even if it was just two feet away through a door. Everything about this was just awkward. Was it going to be like this for the next month? She wouldn't even look at me, or at least not when she knew I was looking. I'd see her earlier back at the venue, watching me. I wasn't sure what to make of it, especially when she'd seemed embarrassed that I'd caught her. Who or what was she trying to prove? As far as I knew, no one knew about us. Surely she was bringing attention to something being wrong by ignoring me? We needed to have this conversation at some point, just to clear the air.

When I'd showered and pulled on a pair of jogging bottoms and a tee, because I didn't want to make things worse by going to bed in just my boxers like I normally would've, I got under the covers in the bed. She was still sat there, working away. I hoped she wasn't going to not sleep because we were sharing a bed.

'How are we gonna...?' I trailed off once more. Why was it so hard to speak around her?

'Pillow wall?' She suggested, not even turning around. I did as I was told, laying two pillows on their sides, under the covers down the middle, breaking the bed into two sections. This seemed ridiculous. We were grown adults. At least one of us in a long term relationship. What was going to happen? I'd roll over in the night and forget who I was with and accidentally have sex with her? Unlikely. The emotional wall she'd put up between us was better than any pillow wall I could create. I was in the middle of updating my twitter with a photo of the crowd from that nights gig when she shut the laptop with a sigh.

I could hear her getting changed and brushing her teeth in the bathroom. If I'd been dreading the hotel room, it was this moment that was the worst. She lay down on her back, hidden by the pillows.

'Goodnight.' I said with a yawn, rolling myself up into the duvet, creating an extra level of barrier between us.

'Night.' She said, but not going to sleep because I could see the light of her phone through my eyelids. I could hear her breathing. I could feel her legs twitching. I gave it a couple of minutes, but I couldn't possibly sleep knowing she was awake besides me.

'I'd get some shut eye if I were you, busy day tomorrow.' I said quietly.

'I know.' She laughed. 'Just checking some emails.' A few more minutes passed. Even if she wasn't playing around on her phone I doubted very much that I could fall asleep. Not with so much running through my mind, mostly what Emma would say if she knew where I was right then. And then the room went dark.