[[[all of my flaws]]][[[part ii]]]

19.

We had all cried. Mum, dad, Chris, Soph and I. I couldn't believe how much my young sister had changed. She had been just eight when I last saw her and now she was about to leave school. I couldn't believe how well my parents were. The house hadn't changed. My room was untouched from the day I'd left, a shrine to me as though I'd died. I promised them I would never do anything to hurt them again. I didn't want to leave and return to work. I wanted to stay here with my family, eating amazing food, laughing just like we used to around the dinner table. One big happy family.

I had decided I would talk to Dan. I didn't want this to go on any further. The next available chance I had, without anyone around, I would tell him everything. Meeting my parents and being instantly taken back in to the family had made me realise that life was too short to stay angry at people. I had nearly blurted it out to Chris but that would only cause trouble in the band. If he knew I was married to his friend and his friend had never spoken about it, I could only see fights breaking out.

I drove us back to London and we each ran home to get new clothes. I let myself into my little flat, everything clean and tidy as I'd left it, swapped my bag of dirty trousers, blouses and underwear for the bag I'd made up with more practical clothes. I'd figured I'd only need to look smart for the first week. So on came the jeans and band tees and converse.

I heard a beep outside and looked out the window to see the giant yellow tour bus parked in the middle of the road, holding up traffic. I laughed and made a mental note to arrange the van to pick people up from homes next time. When I boarded, Kyle and Dan were already raiding the little kitchen area downstairs. I smiled at them both.

'How were your days off?' I asked. Kyle told me how he'd been to visit his parents. Dan looked, if anything, worse. Like he hadn't slept a wink.

'Whats for dinner?' Kyle asked. I'd picked up that all they thought about was food. I laughed.

'Whatever you're cooking.' I winked. Dan laughed a little.

'I dunno Lillian, it's looking a bit bare in here.' Kyle nodded to the cupboards.

'I'll get to a shop and stock it up, don't worry.'

We didn't have a show that night but they had some interviews at a radio station in Bournemouth that afternoon. Once Woody and Will were picked up, we all gathered upstairs to watch some films. Three of them were talking amongst theirselves but Dan just looked out the window at the passing scenery. We'd ended up sat next to each other. Now wasn't the time to talk to him, but I at least wanted to know he was alright.

'Everything ok?' I asked quietly. He turned to me and I made a point of meeting his gaze, properly for the first time in a week. I saw how he had bags under his eyes and his skin seemed pale. He sighed.

'Yeah.'

'You'd tell me if it wasn't, right?'

'Yeah.'

'Because I am here to help you. I can at least try to fix things.'

'Yeah, I...it's...' I thought for a moment that he might open up. 'It's nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about me.' He gave me a sad smile. My heart went out to him. It must've been this girlfriend. But why wouldn't he tell his friends?

I cooked them dinner while they were on air. There was little else I could do. So far we'd eaten take out and at road side cafés. It would be nice to get them a proper cooked meal and a few drinks while they weren't on stage for one night. The look on their faces as they saw dinner on the table, just a big pot of chilli and rice, made it worthwhile.

'Thisisamazing.' Woody said with his mouth full. I hit him round the head, making his blond hair messy.

'Manners.' Kyle said, spitting some rice across the sofa. I hit him too. I saw Dans face crack into a genuine smile for the first time in four days.