Out of my Mind // A Brendon Urie Fanfiction

seventy seven

Brendon's POV~

7 hours later.

We're on our way back home. I can tell she's nervous as we get closer and closer to the chapel. She fiddles with her hair and then digs her nails into their designated spot on her palms.

I know it's not cold feet, because I feel the same way: nervous. I think I have every right to feel that way. I'm about to marry the love of my life. It could change everything or maybe nothing at all.

I glance over at her as she gazes out the window. She smiles as we pass by a field full of yellow flowers and she rests her head on her fist.

"Isn't that gorgeous?" I hum in agreement, although we aren't talking about the same things.

She looks beautiful without even trying. She would never agree, but she doesn't see this everyday. Her fascinated eyes taking in every detail of the world. Her mouth parting open in awe. That's something I've never been able to appreciate the way she has.

There was part a dumb ass part of me that almost ruined this. I'm not sure what he was thinking, but I know it'll never happen again. I could never take this view away from myself.

That night when she ran out of my car, I felt helpless. Like I couldn't win. But I'm sure she was feeling the exact same way, I did put her through hell.

I saw her standing there, wind whipping her hair and tears on her face. Strange enough, that's when I really knew. It might not have been what I planned, but I don't think there was a better time than then.

It's not that I like to see her cry, it's the opposite. It made me realize how much I hate seeing her upset and how I'd do anything to fix it; to make her happy. All I want is to make her happy, and I know I can do that. I've done it so far; at least I think I have.

Courtney's fingers reach up to my face and she gently rubs her thumb over the crease in between my eyebrows.

"What're you thinking about?" I glance over at her and smile.

"You." She chuckles.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?" She laughs again, and shakes her head. "What am I doing?"

"Being cheesy." She smiles at her lap and then her smile falls. I set my hand on her leg.

"Wanna tell me what's goin' on?" At first, I thought it was about us. But the moment she looks at me, I see that it's not about us at all. It's her family.

"Did I do the right thing?"

"Do you think you did?"

"I don't know why I feel guilty. She deserves it. Doesn't she?" In my opinion, she 100% deserves everything that comes to her. But I know it's because I hate anyone that has hurt her. Alec, Emery, Charlotte. Doesn't matter who, they automatically make it onto my shit list.

People change, though. I'm not sure if Charlotte is one of those people, but it happens. Courtney has given people second chances before. People who don't deserve it. Like me.

"You're a better person than I am, babe."

"I just want some advice."

"I think.. if you feel bad then you should do something about it. She doesn't have to be a huge part of your life, but it wouldn't hurt to talk it out with her. Or to just talk it out at all. The longer you hurt over it, the longer she still has a hold on you." My eyes stay on the road, for obvious reasons, but I glance at her every now and then as I speak.

"She just sounded so defeated. And I thought that's what I wanted. You know, to make her feel the way I did. But what if I'm just closing off my mind because I still can't get over it? I want to move on, but I feel like I can't and I don't know why."

"It's because you're a good person. You think about others. That's who you are. And that's why I, and other people, love you. It's not like you to stop caring. I know you want to, and I know you act like it. But it's not you."

"I'm sorry. I'm making this about me." She sits up from her slouched position and puts a smile on her face. "This is our big day. Oh my god, we're getting married. You still wanna go through with it?" I nod immediately.

"Yes." I make sure to say it like I know, not like I'm hoping I can make it through without backing out. Partly because I don't want her to worry, partly because I'm nervous.

"How close are we?" I zip two fingers across my lips. "Oh, c'mon. You suggested this out-of-the-blue wedding and then won't even tell me when we're getting there?"

"We're close, babe." I can read on her face that it isn't enough to satisfy her, but she relaxes back into her chair. I can't help but do the opposite because I actually know how close we are.

About 10 minutes later, we pull into the chapel. We had previously filled out the marriage license before we stopped here.

"This is it." She looks up at the chapel, back down to her lap and up again. Then she repeats me.

"This is it." We start walking to the building and at this point I know there's no turning back.

But I don't want to.