Out of my Mind // A Brendon Urie Fanfiction

forty eight

Five hours. It's been five hours since Brendon walked out that door.

I packed a bag. I've been waiting for him to come home, to call me, anything. But I stare at the door with a duffel bag at my feet, clutching at Brendons shirt on my body.

I've called him over fifteen times. Countless texts that he won't respond to. And I can't stop crying. I think I'm done, then my lip quivers and I know it's never going to stop.

God, I've never hated myself more than I do now. I never should have gone over to Alec's house. What was I thinking? That he was just going to let it go because I stormed in there and demanded it?

After watching the clock forever, it finally hits midnight. I can't sleep here, not without him next to me. His scent in the sheets will keep me awake and thinking of everything I did wrong; which is a lot. He was more than enough for me and I didn't show him that soon enough.

I pick up my bag and leave. He's not coming back and I probably won't see him for a while. I hurt him. I deserve the silent treatment and everything else that's coming to me.

I drive through blurry eyes and sobs that rip through my throat. I drag the back of my hand across my eyes, wiping away the wet mascara.

I park in the middle of nowhere and recline the back seats. I spread out a blanket and a pillow and lay down. I guess this is it until Brendon and I figure things out.

My face hits the pillow and I scream until it hurts. I scream and hope that somewhere, Brendon can hear how desperate I am for him. He needs time, and I understand that but how long am I going to have to sleep without him?

Soon enough, my tears start to tire me out and I'm eased to sleep by wet cheeks.

~

My mind is fuzzy with remnants of a dream about Brendon. He came back home with a girl around his arm and told me he didn't love me anymore. I think that could count for the worst feeling ever.

I hoped that this was a different nightmare. The kind where you wake up in a dream just to be in another one. But, unfortunately for me, this is reality.

I open one eye, the California sun burning my face through the window. Balls of sunlight dance around the interior of the car. I open the door, squinting my eyes to see where I am.

With a mental sigh, I get behind the wheel and start driving towards home. The minute I get service, my phone starts buzzing uncontrollably. My heart hopes it's Brendon, but I know better.

To my surprise, it's Connor. Apparently he was freaked out when I wasn't at my apartment anymore. And there's one message from Brendon. One I'm not ready to open.

So instead, I call Connor back.

"When were you going to tell me you moved?"

"I don't know." I sound like a flat line.

"You good? You sound a little off." I watch the road with dead eyes as I go. I can't go back home yet. And I can't stay in my car forever.

"Can I come over?"

"Yeah, no problem."

"I'll be over soon." I hang up, throwing my phone onto the seat next to me. The only thing I think about the rest of the way is Brendon's text. When am I going to find the right time, or the courage to open it?

There's so many things it could say. And most of them are bound to be bad.

I knock on the door and Connor opens it with a smile. Once I see a familiar face, I can't help but cry again. I hold my hands up to my face and he frowns.

"C'mere, what's wrong?" My chest hurts when I think about it. The thought of Brendon is like a freshly cut wound that keeps getting dipped in salt water. My throat tightens as I try to hold back cries with a short intake of breath.

But gut-wrenching sobs get the best of me as they cut through my chest. Hot, salty tears flood my face and drip off my chin. He pulls me into a hug, closing the door when I'm inside.

"What's wrong?"

"I messed up, Connor." He waits until the wails stop and my lungs start to slowly fill with enough air. My shaking hands tangle themselves in my hair.

"What happened?"

"Brendon.. he left, he won't answer my calls and I don't know where he went."

"What do you mean? You guys are together now?" I tell him about how we moved in together. I tell him about New York, my family and Alec. And I tell him that Alec and I kissed because I'm an idiot.

"I screwed up. He won't respond to any of my texts or calls. He sent me one message, but I can't bring myself open it." He extends his hand out and I drop my phone onto it. He scrolls through my notifications until he sees the text. His lips purse. "What does it say?"

"It says he'll be home tonight." I sigh. Maybe he's forgiven me and he's ready to come home to move past this. i know I'm ready.

"That's not.." I see the look on his face,"there's more?" When he doesn't read the rest, I grab the phone from him. I stop breathing at what I see.

We're even.

"Oh." I turn my phone off completely. "Oh god." I squeeze my eyes shut in hopes that it will relieve the pain.

"I'm sorry, Courtney."

"Holy shit. What am I supposed to do?"

"Go home." I shake my head.

"I can't." What does he mean by "we're even"? Did he sleep with someone? Someone that can actually give him the commitment he needs? Or was it just a hookup; a fling to get back at me?

"You have to. Stay here as long as you want, but you're going to have to go home sooner or later. And I think sooner is your best option for now." I vigorously bite my lip. "You need time to explain yourself if he's ever going to forgive you. And it seems as though you're going to have to forgive him now, too."

"If things don't work out, can I stay with you?" There's a 95% chance we're not going to make up. And I don't want to stay in my car again.

"Yeah, like I said, you can stay as long as you need to. But I have to get going to work. Hopefully I don't see you tonight, you know, in a good way." I chuckle. He smiles at me before stepping out of the door, leaving me alone.

And I watch the clock.