Out of my Mind // A Brendon Urie Fanfiction

thirty

Lana and I stayed up last night catching up. She told me that her and Blake met just a little bit after I left. They started dating and a year later, they got
engaged. The wedding is in a few months, and she said I could come if I wanted to.

Although I'm happy for her, I can't help but feel like I don't really know her anymore. Her life feels foreign to me. I didn't realize how much can change in a couple years.

I wonder if she feels the same about me. Does she recognize who I am, or does she feel just as detached as I do?

I'm also curious to know if my parents have changed at all. If Lana can change so much, could they? Or did they stay the same just like Alec has? I'm nervous to see them. I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life. But no matter how nervous I am, a little part of me is still eager.

I'm not sure when I'm going to be prepared enough to see my parents, but I know I have to do it soon. If I don't do it soon enough, I'm going to talk myself right back to California; my safe haven.

"Hey, do you want some breakfast? Blake is cooking pancakes." I stand up and stretch.

"That would be great. And Lana?" She turns back to me and I hug her,"thank you for this."

"No problem." I follow her out into the kitchen and she wraps her arms around Blake's waist, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Hey babe, those smell really good." Blake laughs as smoke from the burnt pancakes fills the room.

"You think you're real funny, huh?" Lana shrugs, grinning.

"Shouldn't the smoke alarm be going off by now?"

"Took the batteries out." She scoops the black circles and places them on a plate, placing them in front of me. I look down and decide I don't care enough. I drown them in syrup and stick them in my mouth. "Someone's hungry." Lana sits down next to me with a cup of coffee.

"Some things never change." They glance at each other and I stop mid-chew.

"What?" My words are a little muffled by the food, but they still understand me.

"I don't want to be the one to ruin your morning, but when are you planning on going to see your parents?" I shove another piece of pancake in my mouth and shrug. "You're going to have to start thinking about it. You know you're going to want to do it sooner rather than later." I finish chewing and force the food to go down.

"I know. I'll do it tomorrow." I almost immediately lose my appetite at the thought of having to see my parents tomorrow. But I know she's right. If I don't do it soon, I'm not going to do it at all.

"Okay, awesome." Blake nudges her.

"Tell her the rest, babe." Lana rolls her eyes and I start to get worried.

"What's the rest?"

"I may or may not have invited Jade and Eli over." My fork falls onto my plate and the chair I'm in slides backwards as I stand up.

"Lana, are you-"

"Okay, hear me out." She pauses. "I don't really have an excuse other than I was excited you were back and wanted someone else to know too. So I told them and they may or may not be on their way-"

The doorbell rings and pure terror jolts my body.

"Lana! Are you kidding me?" I run back into my room and change my clothes. I don't want to see them for the first time in forever and look distraught.

"Where the fuck is she?" I was hoping he would be a little more understanding like Lana was, but he's always been a little more hot headed than she is.

"Chill, dude." And whenever Eli would get this way, Jade was always good at calming him down and telling him what to do.

"She's in the back right now, but guys, she's not doing good. She might say she's okay, but she looks like she's been through a lot." I'm not sure if this was something I was supposed to hear, but it causes me to look in the mirror for the first time in a few days. And when I do, I'm a little shocked at who I see looking back at me.

That girl with the large purple bags under her bloodshot eyes, that's not me. The girl with the pale face and messy hair is a girl that I don't recognize. God, I look awful. I guess I didn't notice how much the stress was getting to me.

I hold the handle to the door and squeeze my eyes shut. Just go. I swing the door open and look at the floor as I walk down the hallway, their eyes scorching me.

"Well shit, you look rough." I finally look up and hold my breath.

"Are you going to say something?" Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I focus so much on breathing, that I can't say anything. "You leave us for two years and you can't even say sorry?" As I feel Eli's anger bubbling over, my throat tightens. My heart races and my head spins.

I hold a hand to my chest and shove past them out the door, down the stairs and outside for a fresh breath of air. I lean down, my hands on my knees pleading for air in my lungs. I feel a hand on the small of my back but I stay down. If I get up, I know I'm going to faint from lack of breath.

"Hey, I'm sorry for what Eli said. You know he can get a little worked up sometimes." I gulp one last time before slowly standing upright. Jade.

"Yeah. I know. I just didn't know you guys were coming up until like 5 minutes ago. I didn't have enough time to prepare." She slightly smiles.

"If it makes you feel any better, I really missed you." Tears begin to fall from her eyes. "There's so much you've missed, and there wasn't a second of the day when I wasn't worried about you. But you hurt me. And you hurt Eli. Really bad. It's gonna be hard to trust you again. I'm just glad you're home for good now." Her glassy eyes search mine for confirmation, and I give my head a little shake.

"You're going back to California, aren't you?" I nod, guilt writhing.

"I have to, J. My life is there now." She clenches her jaw.

"So you can't leave behind a place you've been for two years, but in a split second, you can vanish from a place you lived every other year of your life? Tell me how that's fair." Her voice cracks and the tears begin again.

"I'm a different person now. I made a decision and I have to live with the aftermath. And this is me. Dealing with it."

"Are we not important to you anymore?"

"You know that isn't-"

"I wish you wouldn't have come here. I'll take Eli and we'll get out of your way." She storms inside and I want to scream.

I guess there's some ties that have to mend in their own time.