Out of my Mind // A Brendon Urie Fanfiction

twenty five

I know Allen wanted me to take time off as an opportunity to have some time to myself; to fix whatever is broken inside of me, but I'm not completely sure how to. It's almost like I can't feel what needs to be fixed, or I'm not willing to reach deep enough to find it.

Time that passes only feels like a waste. It's also passing painfully slow, which doesn't exactly help.
When I try to think of things to do, my mind goes blank. It's like I forget everything I've ever done and I just sprawl out on the bed, staring at the blank ceiling.

My phone buzzes and part of me hopes it's Brendon. But to my amazing luck, it's Emery.

Sorry to hear about what happened. Hope you can get some help and get better soon!

My jaw involuntarily clenches and I slam my phone down onto the bed, anger taking over. Why the hell did she feel the need to text me? To express herself like it's on the top of my priority list? I can picture the smug grin on her face and I wish I was there to punch her again.

I have to go do something. No matter how much I don't want to, I have to force myself. Because I refuse to let her win. I have to live these two weeks like I have nothing to lose and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I get out of bed and walk outside to my car, driving to the nearest hair salon. I've always been the kind of cliche person who changes their hair when they need something new and now seems like the perfect time.

I walk into the salon and am glad to see that it's basically dead. A lady in an apron approaches me and smiles.

"Hi! What can I do for ya?"

"I want to dye my hair." She nods.

"Alright, let me just get you signed in and then we'll be set." I answer her questions about my phone number, my name and my e-mail and then she sits me down at one of the salon chairs. "So what are you thinking for today?" So much has been running through my head that I didn't really even consider what I wanted to do.

"I guess I didn't think of that. What do you suggest?" She tilts her head as she examines my features and my hair.

"I think an ombré would look stunning on you, especially with that deep dirty blonde hair, I think it'd be perfect." At first I think she's just saying things to make me happy, but I see a gleam of sincerity in her eyes that makes me smile. Not many people have that.

"Then that's what I'll do." She claps her hands together.

"Perfect! I'm going to go in the back and mix some colors and then I'll get started. Oh! By the way, my name is Mia." I reach out and shake her hand.

"Courtney." We say "nice to meet you" and then she heads to the back. I try not to look at my phone because every time I do, it feels like I break down all the way back to stage one. There's always a text from Emery or Brendon. Or a call from my parents or Allen. It never stops.

"Alright!" Mia sets down the color and brushes out my hair. We make small salon talk that you're basically required to have and my phone vibrates underneath me. I try my hardest to ignore it. But it vibrates again and again until I can't take it.

I heard about what happened. Do you want me to come over after work?

And another one.

Is everything okay?

And another.

You know you can't ignore me forever.

"Boy troubles?" I sigh, locking my phone and placing it back in my pocket.

"Like you wouldn't imagine." She smiles and shakes her head.

"Is it a boyfriend?"

"Not exactly. It's like.. kinda but not really. I mean, I don't know.." I argue with the part of me that wishes he was, knowing that it won't ever be like that. It's not what we agreed on and it probably never will be. Everything has gotten too complicated for it to ever be anything more than sex.

"Whatever it is, it's sounds complicated as hell." I chuckle, nodding my head in agreement.

"Tell me about it."

After about an hour, she finally styles my hair and turns me around to face the mirror. I'm taken aback at how different such a small change can make me look. My hair is now light blonde on the ends and blends into the dark top of my hair.

"That looks amazing!" I run my hands through my hair, smiling as Mia claps her hands together.

"I'm so glad you like it." I look in the mirror for a few more minutes before paying her at the register and heading home. When I get to my apartment, I see Brendon's car and almost slam my foot onto the brake.

I cautiously pull into my parking spot and see him leaning against the side of the building. He immediately spots me, but he stays put. How does he so effortlessly look gorgeous at every second of the day?

God, there's that feeling again.

I get out of my car and stand in front of him, looking up to meet his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" He lightly wraps a finger around my hair, twirling it around and letting it fall back into place.

"You look good." He smirks and I grow weak in the knees at the sound of his voice. I clear my throat, my once defensive stance now faltering.

"You didn't answer the question."

"And you didn't answer my texts." I roll my eyes and fold my arms.

"Well, you aren't coming in." He leans forwards away from the wall, his body closer to mine. Focus.

"Funny." I grit my teeth, feeling a headache coming on.

"I'm being serious." He moves closer, moving his hand up to pull me closer.

"Are you sure about that?" I grab his hand and pull him inside, up the stairs and into my apartment. I close the door and take my shirt off. He gapes at me and I put my hands on my hips.

"Are you gonna take your clothes off or am I gonna have to do it for you?" He snaps himself out of it and heads my way to kiss me. I put my finger up to his lips before he can,"just so we're clear, you've gotta go after we're done." He backs up, putting his hands defensively in the air. 

"This isn't what I came here for." His stern look comes back quickly and my shoulders slump.

"If I would've known that, I wouldn't have let you in." He lightly shakes his head, quickly becoming annoyed.

"Why the hell are you suddenly against us talking?" My first impulse is to tell him that I do want to talk to him. Every second of every hour of every day. I want to know everything about him and his day and I want him to tell me how he's feeling. I want to tell him how much I just want to be around him. All the time. But instead I say,

"Why does it bother you so much?" He violently rolls his eyes.

"You're the one who wanted to talk in the first place. Remember? All that shit about how you want to know who you're sleeping with. That was all you." His voice begins to rise, but he's not quite yelling yet.

"Yeah, and? People change their minds, it's not a big deal. It isn't that deep, Brendon." But it is. And it gets deeper and deeper every time I talk to him, or see him, or even think of him.

"You're right. It isn't a big deal to me. In fact, I'm going to a party with someone tonight." I quirk my eyebrow, trying to act like that didn't feel like a slap to the face.

"Oh, are you? That's great! I hope you and your skank have a lot of fun." The anger in his eyes burn right into mine and he bitterly smiles as he opens the door.

"I plan on it." He winks and the door slams shut. The thought of him being with someone else like that makes me sick.

I have to figure out where that party is.