Out of my Mind // A Brendon Urie Fanfiction

twenty eight

When Connor leaves, it's just silence. My fingernails find their place in my palm and I bite down on the inside of my cheek.

"You think we're dating?" He sounds stunned. I try to find something to say, but nothing will come out. "Look-"

"I only said that to make him think I wasn't such an awful person, you know?" I can immediately tell that he knows I'm lying, but I'm not. I know we aren't dating. I know because sometimes it hurts to think that we're not.

"I thought it was clear that this couldn't be more than an informal thing."

"Was it so clear, though? Excuse me for getting a little confused when you say things that someone who just wanted to keep it "informal" would never say. It's a blurry line, Brendon, and it has been for weeks. How is this so clear for you; in what world can this be clear for you?"

"Oh, I don't know. The fact that you can stick your tongue down some other guys throat, no problem." God, here we go again.

"I only did that to piss you off! I never would have done that if I wasn't jealous and drunk. And don't act like you weren't all over Kylie tonight. You could barely keep your hands off of her."

"I did it for the same reasons you did!"

"Bullshit! You were face fucking her outside the party. What was that for then? To make me jealous? You didn't even know I was there." The hurt I feel shows through the crack in my voice.

"Why does it matter so much to you?" The questions sinks in.

"I don't know, Brendon!" I think the best word to describe what I feel right now is: defeated. "I don't know." At first, I'm not sure what to say. And then I finally start to feel the emotional exhaustion, and although it's not what I was expecting to do tonight, it's like I can't stop the words from slipping.

"This needs to be done. I can't keep doing this to myself. I know it doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me. So, it has to be over." He looks stunned and maybe a little disappointed. "Please leave."

"But I-"

"You need to go." He opens his mouth to protest again, but decides against it. Once he's gone, it's like I feel one weight lift off my shoulders just for another one to be dropped. My eyes sting when I close them, and my head feels fuzzy.

Why does everything fall apart so quickly? I can't do anything right and when I try, I make it worse. I came here for something better. A new start to a new life. One where people didn't know me and things weren't complicated. But the longer I stay, the more I realize that this life isn't much better than my old one.

Life doesn't work like that. You can't just run away and expect everything to be perfect. I didn't know that before, but I know that now. And I know what I have to do.

I go to my room and pack a bag, stuffing it with whatever clothes I can find along with basics supplies for day to day life. I turn off all the lights and lock the door as I leave.

My suitcase rolls behind me, and hammers down into the steps as I drag it. I call another Uber to pick me up. I'm not sure if it's smart to leave my car at that house, but I'm also not sure if I care enough to get it.

I slide my suitcase in the backseat and sit next to it, my Uber drivers eyes meeting mine in the rear view mirror.

"Can you take me to the airport?" He nods as he pulls out of the parking lot.

I watch the lights blur by and thank god that the driver doesn't feel talkative like the rest of them usually do. I lay my head back and take a deep breath.

My mind drowns in guilt about everything I've done so far tonight. Tonight was supposed to be different. Although, what did I expect when I went to a party out of jealousy? That was never going to turn out well.

I open my eyes to see the airport. Anxiety starts to fester inside of me as I pay the Uber and take my bag inside. I wait in line and buy my ticket, then sit and pray to god I'll be okay.

-

6 hours later and the plane has landed. My heart pounds as I walk out. Nobody's waiting for me out there. Where am I going to go? Straight to my parents house?

New York is 3 hours ahead of California time, so its 9 in the morning here. Once I get outside, I hail a taxi and tell him where to take me. Panic rises up from my chest into my throat and suddenly I can't breathe. My hands feel numb and I can feel something bad about to happen.

The car pulls up beside a familiar building and that's when it really sinks in. I'm in the place I thought I never wanted to see again. It's okay; I'll be okay.

"Thank you." I hand him cash and start towards the building. I hope she still lives here. I'm not quite sure what I'd do if she didn't.

My feet feel heavy as I trudge towards the elevator. I press the number seven and my body shakes with nervousness. The doors open and finally, there it is, right in front of my face. I drag my bag behind me and just stare at it as I build up enough courage to make myself known.

Once my hand meets the wood, my life changes. Everything I've tried so hard to hide steps into the light and it's over.

Regardless of that thought, I knock. My eyes involuntarily tear up and I feel my heart pounding.

Please be here.

C'mon.

Right as I'm about to give up, the door waves open.

"Hel- oh my god."