The Nerd Who Rules The School

Chapter 35

Today, Time was definitely not on my side. Before I knew it, we arrived at the church; where her funeral would take place. It was the only place we had been to for the past two days. There were a lot more people for Maya's funeral than her parents - the whole school had attended, but like always, Drizel saved the first bench for us.

I fixed my gaze on the huge, wooden cross at the front, refusing to take the risk of accidentally making eye contact with anyone. As we sat down, I could feel Asher's sharp gaze at my back and my eyes involuntarily found his. We hadn't talk for a long time. Every time he tried to initiate one, I fled, like the spineless coward I was.

His eyes spoke louder than the melancholy music that was playing in the background; signaling that the pallbearers were carrying the casket to the front of the church. His eyes were full of concern that I definitely didn't deserve and I couldn't look away.

I only tore my gaze away when the priest started the prayers. Muffled sobs and cries were heard throughout the whole reading and service. I kept my head down the entire time, I wished I could block out all the noises. I didn't want to hear about how sad it is, or how she will always be with us and all those bullshit. I could already memorize it all, the same old crap.

I kept my emotions at bay, locking the memories and freezing my heart. I retreated back into this white empty room I had created in my mind in the past few weeks to hide. I knew my face was probably the only dry one. I tried to keep my state of mind as blank as possible.

It's just a funeral.

It's just a funeral.

Maybe she will appear in her own funeral. I mean it can happen right?

"... if there is anyone that deserves a better ending, a happy ending, it's her. She deserves a better life than ... than this short one. She-she..." Tom's voice managed to sweep through the cracks in the walls I had put up, unlocking the button that I thought I had destroyed.

I finally looked up, Tom was shakily holding a bunch of papers, tears were streaming down his face and dripping onto it. His tone, the way his words projected his sorrow, like a twin, it cried out to my own.

His words brought back a flood of memories I tried so hard to bury; sleepovers, conversations, inside jokes, none of it was bad. But the emotions it brought back was as just as bitter as it was sweet.

My fists tightened on my lap, bunching up the hem of my hoodie. The memories continued to flood me, feeding me feelings I tried so hard to bury. I needed to see her one last time. Involuntarily, I glanced at the photo they had put up. A big smile was on her face, it looked genuine enough, but only people who really knew her knew it wasn't a candid one. The corner of her eyes didn't crinkle, unlike the one she gave me just right before she got in that car and never out again.

This time, Time couldn't have passed fast enough, it's lazy self kept dragging on and on. I needed to see her one last time. I must, even if it kills me.

Finally, Time passed by and people started to head out for the burial right outside of the church. Before they would carry her out, I walked to the front, trying to unclench my fists. I braced myself and looked down at last.

At first glance it seemed like she was peacefully sleeping, her arms laying by her side, eyes closed. When I got a closer look, there was just something not right; her chest didn't move up and down; she was too stiff and still; her skin looked like wax, it was too pale for an alive human being.

I tried to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat but it stubbornly remained there. My breath hitched and shortened. I wished I could look away but I couldn't. I thought I had accepted her death, but seeing her lifeless, dead body was the hard proof I needed to kill whatever tiny hope I had scraped and deluded myself with.

The tears I had tried to hard to keep at bay was now pushing through all the barriers I had put up for the past weeks. It blurred my vision and her body started to turn watery and wavy, like I was seeing through liquid.

Tearing my eyes away, knowing that it would be the last time I would ever see her physically. I ran towards the entrance where people were still slowly filing out.

I heard multiple people shouting my name and complains as I shoved past them. I didn't go to the cemetery at the back where the burial was going to happen; instead I ran away to the garden that was at the far east side of the church.

I had only stopped when my vision was completely blurred by my tears. In the middle of an unfamiliar garden, with just lush trees and bushes; I had never felt more alone. Even though the crowd that had gathered for the burial was just right around the corner, they seemed oceans away, their hushed voices blocked by the plants. I was completely isolated.

The only thing I could hear was my loud sobs, I pressed my hands tightly against my face, hoping that it would stop the tears from falling. The tears did not stop. I willed myself to stop, I wanted to be there for the burial, I needed to bury her, I owed her at least that much.

She deserves a burial with her best friend there to bury her, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't even do it for her.

Don't be so selfish, even if you couldn't take it, do it for her.

But I can't I -I just can't. I thought back to myself.

Why?

I ignored the answers that my rational side had gave me; because I still couldn't accept her death, because I didn't want people seeing me like this, because I couldn't stand all those people that are crying but don't even know her.

"You are so fucking selfish and pathetic, you can't even be at your best friend's burial." I whispered-screamed at myself. I really did wanted to go but my legs were planted firmly on the grassy ground, ignoring my commands.

I felt like tearing my hair out in frustration and anger. I let out an anguished cry, but it was drowned out by my sobs. Even with my hands covering my face, I could still see the sunlight. I shut my eyes tightly, blocking the blaring sunlight. In the temporary darkness, I found temporary solitude.

I wish the world will just fade away.

I wish I could go back in time.

I wish she was still here.