Ink | Sabriel, Adamandriel, Michifer, Destiel

Chapter 34

Welp, I'm a complete hypocrite. You don't deserve this kind of treatment from me. I know I should update every week, but I went through some things, and it took me awhile to start writing again. I really want to say thanks for us reaching 10k???? Guys you're amazing!!! I'll try to keep updating at least once a week again. So stay tuned for more!
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The pieces of Dean, each showing their own emotion, each having their own expression, only having one thing in common; and that was their painful creation.

It hurt Dean to have other people to know about how he was feeling, so he would only let certain pieces of himself show. It was a gift to some, or a burden to others. He was able to shade himself away from the world. He was able to seem strong to the strangers that he passed everyday. No one knew how broken Dean was, no one ever tried to see the other parts of him. The crumbling parts of him. The scared parts of him. The vulnerability that coursed through the cracks of each individual piece.

Never before had anyone shined the light onto these parts of him. They had never seen the shine of someone else. It was blinding. It was terrifying. Each time the luster of another being came in contact with him, each broken part of him would hiss in shock, in utter betrayal that Dean would do this. That he couldn't just keep his feelings to himself. They would try to scurry away from the glow in a pathetic attempt to hide. It be shrouded in darkness once more. Dean felt weak each time. His vulnerability was finally opening to the world. And each time, every little part would become more and more disbelieving that he would do this. Wether pleasant or anxious, they wouldn't be happy.

It was unhealthy amount of power that his emotions held over him. He couldn't certain things, he couldn't say certain things, he couldn't be certain things.

Dean didn't know why her death still effected him so heavily. It was years ago, and yet he just couldn't let go. His whole family seemed to be so happy, so carefree.
Like they had forgotten about her. Like all their grief was gone, simply faded away. She was nearly a distant memory to them, but Dean couldn't let that happen. He had to remember her. She couldn't be happy if he forgot her. If he betrayed her like everyone else.

Her beautiful smile was still evident in his memories. But he couldn't gaze at it again through his eyes. He couldn't just hug her. Tell her he loved her. Ask her to just heal him. To set him free.

He want free. No matter how much he realized that he was trapped by each individual piece of himself. No matter how much he vowed to change. No matter how much he wished, hoped, tried. It was never enough. He was stuck.

Castiel wasn't going to change that. He couldn't. Fate wouldn't just do that to him. It wouldn't just let the touch of a single human heal him. It couldn't let all those years of struggle be for waste. It.. couldn't be that cruel.

Dean wasn't ever going to feel whole again.

....

Concern, no, maybe anguish, was something that was weighing down on Castiel. He didn't expect Dean to be so... broken. He had put up such a strong facade that Castiel had always thought that he was the weak one, that he would always look smaller next to Dean.

But it hurt to see how split he truly was. It hurt that Castiel could lift up the whole world compared to him. He wanted to make him feel better, so make him whole again. To make each and every piece form back together and be happy, sad, nervous, and even embarrassed in one whole place again. He didn't want Dean to have to conflict against his grief everyday. To have to convince himself not to do the things that would make him happy.

But.. Castiel knew he wasn't enough. He knew that he was helping. But it wouldn't be enough. What Dean actually needed was help from a professional. A person who could peer clearly into Dean's broken soul. Someone who could really connect with him. It couldn't just be up to Castiel to fix such a broken person. He wasn't that strong of a person. He couldn't carry such a burden. I mean, what if he made a mistake that sent Dean crumbling again?
What if the dozens of pieces became thousands? What if Castiel ruined everything?

He couldn't do that to Dean. But he didn't know how to tell him that he wasn't enough. He knew they were soul mates. He knew they were meant to be. But fate itself wasn't going to stitch Dean back together. It was going to chuck each piece at Castiel. Not caring if he couldn't catch them all. (this isn't Pokémon shut up.) Not caring if he dropped some in a panic. It would just watch in a cruel amusement as they shattered on the ground, breaking Dean even more. Leaving him on the cold, unfeeling floor.

Yet, fate wasn't throwing each piece at Castiel. It was slowly stacking every little fragment onto his shoulders, watching as he sank lower and lower under the heavy weight, the burden. It waited in baited breath for it all to topple over, huffing in disappointment when the drunken lurches settled down.

Just like Dean's overbearing doubts, Castiel just didn't seem to have the confidence to overcome this kind of task. Yet that wasn't a selfish thing. Castiel was a teenager. He was at an age where you were expected to start getting the basics of responsibility. Where you were starting to learn about the real world. Taxes, College, Careers, Mortgages, Downpayment's, Money. Many of these things could carry burdens. But Castiel was in over his head. He wasn't going to fix Dean. Sure, he was helping, but his needle work wasn't steady enough, his hands shook each time, with each little stitch being uneven, barely putting each piece back together. Sooner or later Dean was going to fall back apart.

Maybe there was a twinge of... what was that, envy?

Envy?

What was Castiel envious of? He couldn't be... envious. There wasn't anything to be envious of.

'A mother.'

'A mother?' Castiel thought to himself.

A strange feeling seemed to have devoured him. A mother? Castiel didn't have mother. He never knew her touch. Her scent. Her love. He didn't miss her. He didn't know her well enough to love her.

'How selfish of you.' A voice said. It seemed to almost be amused. It finished with a giggle. A choked one of a child not being able to hold it in. The one you could hear in a serious moment. So out of place, and unneeded.

But it was right. How selfish of him to be jealous. What Castiel had to be doing was getting Dean help. He didn't have time to time about her. Dean was more important.

Castiel suddenly stood up, as though he was forced. He was going to get Dean help. He was going to convince him that he needed it.

With this goal in mind, Castiel walked towards Dean's house. If he wasn't there, he was going to search the whole town.

Maybe even the whole country.

The whole world if he had to.