I'll Always Love You - A Romanogers Fanfic

21

STEVE'S POV

I lay down on the bed in the small room. She definitely knows I'm falling for her, but I can't help it. I really tried to not catch feelings, and I managed not to for a short time.
And I know she's not in love with me, that she still just sees me as a friend with benefits. I know her well enough to know that she rarely feels anything for anyone, and that it's not her fault.
God what I wouldn't do to be with her.
Then Peggy pops into my mind. How could I do this to her? Fall in love with someone else? I'm a disgrace. I'm more in love with a woman who doesn't love me back, than a woman who loves me, and who I love.

I put on a pair of sweatpants instead of my jeans, but I keep wearing the t-shirt. It smells like Natasha's perfume, and now that she's not in the bed next to me I like that.
I fall asleep under my blanket, but even in my sleep I know that Natasha isn't next to me.

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NATASHA'S POV

I'm scared. Scared that I might be crushing on Steve. I can't. That's for children. Love is for children. I'm not a child. I never was. I was a
small-human-like-robot, because that's what they made me.
Steve. I'm sure he must've been a wonder kid. Not a murderer from age six like the girl he's currently fucking.
I only remember bits from my first kill. They accidentally erased some of it one of the times they wiped me. They always made sure that kills were some of the only things we didn't forget in the brainwashings.

I really should end this deal with Steve. I can't run like I always do. I care too much about him to run away. And then there's obviously the fact that we're stuck on a large jet in the middle of the sky, but he deserves better. Heaven knows I'm only gonna hurt him.

I search in my suitcase for a pair of sweatpants when I come across a t-shirt of Steve's that I've accidentally packed. When I take it out of the suitcase his calming scent hits my nose.

I shouldn't use his t-shirt, because borrowing people's stuff probably make you feel shit faster, and I almost put it on when I realize that it really is a bad idea.

I climb under the covers wearing a top instead. I reach for my gun on the nightstand and put it under my pillow. It helps me sleep, and now that I'm alone in the bed, I need that.

I drift into the light restless sleep, full of nightmares that I haven't experienced since I started sleeping with Steve.

"Natalia!" Madame B yelled furiously from across the ballet studio. I knew that was bad.
"Da Madame?" I said sweetly, but I knew, I couldn't manipulate her like I could most people.
"Drop the act, you know what you did" she says loudly, in Russian, making all the other girls look my way.
I knew what I had done. Letting a man that I was sent to kill, off the hook.
Before I could say anything she yanked me by the arm out of the studio, heading for the room I never remembered entering, but always remembered exiting.

"Get that sympathy out of your head. You will never get any in return. Nikogda!" she said from the corner of the room while some of her minions strapped me to the chair with the headgear.
"I will not, because I don't want to be another one of your robots" I screamed at her in Russian and yanked the leather straps around my wrists and ankles. And I shouldn't have.
"Dostatochno! I want you to remember this" she said with an evil grin, that I hadn't seen before, and she gestured to someone that they should call off the brainwashing.

Some of the people in the room came towards me with knives of all sizes, and some objects I hadn't even seen before.
"No, I do this" madame B said when a man was heading towards me.

She grabbed a knife.
"You are a good spy, Romanova. So it hurts me to see you waste your talents on sympathy" she said, the last word with disgust.
"Now don't scream. And don't tell the other girls" she said as if I was receiving a gift.

She slit my leotard so she had access to my stomach, and put the cold knife to my abdomen and I closed my eyes, ready for the cut.
She cut. Into the side of my stomach. A vertical clean cut. I whimpered in pain as she did it again. A deep cut, blood running to my light tights making them turn red.
She continued and I screamed in pain. Never had I felt this pain before. She knew exactly how to do it so it hurt without the victim passing out.
She demanded the mouthpiece that she stuffed in my mouth.
I screamed muffled as she continued and I tried to move but I was tied too tight to the chair and then she did it again, and again. And she didn't stop until my abdomen was full of short, deep, clean cuts, and I finally passed out.

I sit up. Panting and sweating, sore throat, pain in my stomach, crying.
The details in the nightmares are the worst part of it. I remember it perfectly.
"Steve?" I cry searching for him in the bed. He wasn't there. I sob uncontrollably. I've had this exact nightmare before, with the same reaction. Only this time I knew I had someone that wanted to help. And I hate asking for help. But I need him. And I have to end this deal before he gets hurt. And I have to end it now.

Okay so just quickly. 'Nikogda' means never and 'dostatochno' means enough in Russian. That's what google translate told me.