Chapter 32
When in the darkest part of your life, it was almost impossible to see the light before you. There were people around you and yet you were the loneliest person around. You could be seen and heard and yet feel as if you were invisible and ignored by all. All your actions are judged in your own mind, and reviewed and rerun constantly, your stomach churning and roiling as though you were nervous. But these nerves could bring you to your knees, or send your entire body into an emotionless shell.
It was a situation you never wanted to find yourself in. Yet once you were there you saw no end to it. Clenching your hands as they shake. Blinking was hard, no it was almost impossible. Especially when breathing felt as if a weight had been placed on your chest and then pressed down upon. Staring was a good option but it was a good way for people around to ask questions. Questions that you longed to answer and yet at the same time knew that you would never be able to answer them.
Even if you could, you would never be able to make them understand the emotions swirling around inside. How nothing you did was ever good enough, always trying to claw your way back into a normalcy, while all others were just expecting it of you, never seeing the struggle inside which was been battled against during those dark times. Breathing shaky and hard to catch, nothing was gaining any hint of the light only that there was a feeling that fingertips were clawing at the ledge that was barely holding up.
You tried to do anything and everything to keep holding on, to make sure that everything around was floating along in the tides of life. And whilst everyone around managed to stay afloat, you had to try your hardest to not drown amidst the horror and disappointment that you think you create in life.
Kendrick took a deep breath and looked at the rich group he was surrounded by. He fit in with these people in principle. His clothing and standing meaning he had a right to be here, and yet it felt as if he were underwater, sounds coming to him as if from a distance, and while those around him laughed, jested and back stabbed, he was unable to gain any emotion to be able to join in on any level. He went through motions, acted and put on a face, and yet nothing he showed was real. They would never comprehend if he was to tell them of the struggle within, all they saw was the superfluous exterior that in the end meant nothing at all.
They were cold to each other, whilst inside he was numb. Too much emotion? Or too little? At times he did not know and at others he wished it was one rather than the other. Nothing he did was good enough, he had to hide who he was and what he was feeling in order to actually survive another day in this godforsaken live he had. The one woman he wanted was weeks of journeying away from him, and currently that way was blocked by Mother Nature herself. On top of that, the woman herself wanted nothing to do with him. Was he truly that bad? The male he considered his closest friend was currently at odds with him, admittedly that truly was his fault as his actions had caused the rift coming between them. But the more he thought of his actions so, the less and less he wanted to know about it, the worse the nerves became in his stomach and the more his mind withdrew from the world, and the more the thoughts swirled and repeated and reran again and again, until nothing mattered but the fact he was not good enough.
He had told Artair he would sort the predicament with Lord Douglas out. And he had. He had just not told him the truth as to how. Agreeing to go through with the marriage himself, had been the only option he had, but it was not a viable option, he just had not managed to find out a way of this yet. He had to. But his mind was not working at the capacity he was used to. It was like this at times, especially when he had spent a lot of his time thinking about Larena and the bairn which had never managed to taste a second of life.
The harpy he was due to marry, according to Douglas, shimmied her way through the crowd announcing their engagement and slithered up to his side, sending him a smile he was sure was supposed to be alluring. It was most probably the smile which had led to the loss of her virtue. Of which he was almost certain she had been the protagonist, whomever she had actually lost it too was most likely the victim in this. He could only feel sorry for the poor bugger. But right at that moment he felt sorrier for himself. But there was literally no one else he could blame.
Sighing internally he looked over to see if any of those around would come to his rescue. But of course they would not. They were there for the gossip, for the prestige and for the ability to say they had been a part of one of the most difficult periods of his life. Not that they knew this was difficult. He had heard the whisperings of what a well matched couple they made. How she was a beauty and came with such wealth that surely any imperfections she had he could find bearable.
The woman he wanted was not perfect by any means. Most in her clan found her unbearable to be around for any length of time, but she was different when she had been with him. All he could say was that he saw something within her that most either overlooked or were never shown to begin with.
“Kendrick, do you wish to take a walk in my mother’s gardens.” The high pitched voice grated on his senses. She stood on her tip toes, leaning her breasts against his arm as her warm breath fanned over his ear, making him swallow down a shudder of revulsion. “Maybe I could show you the walled area she keeps her most exotic of flowers?” He turned his head as she slid down his body. She was blinking rapidly up at him, so much so if he had not been sure it was a ploy to make her look ‘sultry’, he would have been extremely concerned that she was trying to rid her eyes of a foreign object.
“Nay,” her face dropped into a glower worthy of the MacKay’s matriarch Isla. To soften the blow, as those closest were paying close attention to their interaction. “I do believe your father wishes to have a few word with those present soon, we cannot cause a scandal so soon.” The glower transformed slowly into a serene mask he was sure she would never be able to fully achieve.
Her sigh was tiny and well-practiced of put upon daughter. “Aye, I do believe you are correct. But afterwards, there would be nothing stopping us.” Her high pitched giggle which followed had him visibly cringing, especially as it was accompanied by the painful digging of her incredibly sharp fingernails. Though she did not notice his expression as her attention had already been snagged by a group of elderly females and their interest in some of the finer aspects of planning he had no idea about. He did not even know if the planning was for an upcoming wedding or for another event entirely, and he did not even care which it was.
At the end of the day he was going back to a house where the warmth had been taken from it in a matter of moments when Artair had left with Rohesia carefully covered within his arms. His icy demeanour towards him had at least been something. Now he had nothing to occupy his mind but his own thoughts, and they were never the prettiest of things to be around on the best of days.
Once again on his own, surrounded by people, his entire life encapsulated into one thought. It was not what he had ever imagined his life becoming, and he could do nothing to stop the downhill charge that was only gaining speed. The only way this could end for him was with a rather large crash. For nothing else was going to be able to save him now.
Artair stalked from the house, Alfred staying behind as he went to scout the location for the meeting, he needed every advantage he could get at this moment. So long as Robert thought he was on an equal neutral ground, he would feel safe. This was not a situation that Robert would win, and he needed every advantage to be able to make Robert feel off guard.
Alfred was staying with Rohesia. They had come to an understanding, whilst it may not be trust, they both knew that neither would do anything to put Rohesia in danger, and while Rohesia was still ill he knew Alfred would not risk moving her, as such he felt a little better in going on this scouting mission. He was still to hear from Kendrick, but they had two more days until the meeting, his friend had time to get back to him, or he may have to permanently look at their friendship status.
Robert was not winning, even if it meant playing dirty, well playing nice was never as much fun, was it?