Because... My love for you is bigger than the fear of broken hearts. I am strong enough to take another broken heart, but not strong enough to not take you. - Alex.
~~~
43. A kiss goodnight
(Alexandra)
As Alex stared at her slightly bumpy stomach, Stella walked in, a phone in one hand and a muffin in another.
"I really need that muffin." Alexandra said as she pinned her hair back with a concentrated look on her eyes. She fluffed her hair and then stared.
It wasn't like this was her first date. It wasn't like Logan hadn't seen her in her worst possible moments, but still, she felt like dressing up for him. It was strange, the feelings pinging through her body, but she liked it.
This newness.
"God, you are a glutton. What is your stomach made of?" Stella whined.
"A baby." Alex said with a shrug. "A very hungry baby."
It really was.
Alex already ate her fair share, without shying away, but the baby made her more ravenous.
Sometimes she would crave for worst possible food at worst possible moments and as Logan had promised her, he would do everything possible to get that to her.
It was for the baby, their baby, he would say. But Alex knew it was for her, as well.
"But you are going to dinner with Logan, aren't you? Let me eat my muffin in peace." Stella groaned.
"Someone is cranky tonight. What happened?" Alex asked with a concerned smile as she sat next to Stella.
Stella lifted her head with a sad smile and placed it on Alex's shoulder with a sigh.
"It is Adam. He just called me to say he won't be coming this week as he had promised me. I am tired of this, Alex." Stella said as she stared at her phone and if the phone could transfer fire, Adam would have felt the heat of Stella's stare.
"Aw, I am so sorry, Stells. Maybe he have a reason."
"Yeah, reasons. There are many, but nothing good." Stella frowned as she threw the phone on the bed."So forget my miserable life. Please tell me about the dates? Have you kissed him yet?"
Alex knew Stella wanted a distraction, and she was okay playing that game. She didn't like it when her best friend was feeling sad. And miserable.
"Nah, we are taking it slow this time." Alex smirked as she grabbed her purse from the table. "Really slow. It is kinda nice."
"God, you two are one weird pair, really, but whatever. It looks like this--whatever this-- is working." Stella chuckled.
"It is working. He is amazing, he is Logan. You know, he remembers all these tiny little details that would not have mattered to someone else and when he does something, something he should have forgotten, my heart, it just- nah, I can't- I can not-"
"Not fall in love again? But tell me, Alex, did you even fall out of love?"
It was true. Alex never fell out of love, but then again, she was falling all over again and this time, she was scared to do that. Freely. It was the fear. The knowledge of what she had gone through once.
When she fell for him the first time, she was very brave, very decisive and she had braced herself for the probable outcome of the heartbreak and seperation and still, she wasn't ready for that kind of pain.
It was like nothing she had ever experienced. But after realizing that the pain was as physical as it was emotional, she was afraid to go through it. Again.
She would never be ready for that kind of pain and it was so frightening. To be helpless again.
"It is just-"
"I understand. But, aren't you ready yet?"
I don't know. I am ready, and yet I am not.
"You know, tomorrow is the day for the final hearing for my dad's case and I am so distracted and Logan... Logan is there, just always there and I need to think clearly. I can't just drown again, without knowing that I can pull myself up if I did drown."
She needed to find the foothold. She needed to find her solid ground. Simply drowning was not an option for her.
"I don't understand the head and the tail from whatever you have just said, but good luck with all that." Stella said. "God, your life is better than a soap opera."
"It is not."
"It is. You are dating your husband. And that about sums it up."
"Yeah, bu... Okay. I give up. I am dating my husband. And it is nice, you know... Dating. We hadn't gotten chance to actually date the first time around. We married right away."
"With a contract. God! I still don't understand how you said yes for that. To a strange man at that." Stella scoffed. "I really can't believe how my friend Alexandra, list her head?!"
"Yes, yes. Even I can't believe that. Maybe...this was called fate."
Maybe.
It was destined.
Maybe.
Must be.
And she really did like dating Logan.
Alex did not mind the wining (without wine) and the dining experience or the long hours she spent talking with Logan. About anything and everything. Sometimes decidedly nothing. And those moments, those little, seamlessly unimportant moments, they made her remember the Logan she had dearly missed. She had fallen for.
He was still there.
Logan was the mix of rugged and soft. Velvet and granite. And she yearned for that. For everything that was him. But yes, she wanted to learn him, again, and to take it slow.
She loved this new dynamics, where he tried so hard to impress her. Before this, it was all a one way street.
Now he was trying. Actually trying and Alex could see how hard he was trying.
She loved feeling new, feeling appreciated and feeling pampered. He did it all with a subtlety that she sometimes forgot that they weren't even together anymore. That this was his way to prove to her that they belonged. That he loved.
He did not have to try too hard, though, because her heart was already teetering. But she was dead scared of the fall. So very afraid...
Then she would look into his stormy gray eyes when the night was dark and filled with stars and she would forget her fear. Her hesitation. And simply, simply let herself float down the depth of his eyes. To drown. She would allow herself to break free from the restraint she had put over herself. Over her heart.
It was both easy and hard at the same time. So effortlessly easy and unarguably difficult. And she didn't know what to do with all this mixed feelings.
She wished someone would tell her what to do or give her some sign.
God, hear me? A sign will be amazing right now.
He was amazing, he had always been. He was everything she remembered. He was Logan and she was still the Alex who fell hopelessly in love. And it didn't change. Nothing changed, and yet something did.
I am making myself crazy with all these thoughts. She thought.
You are already crazy. In love. With Logan. It was that unwanted, annoying voice.
She shrugged it off.
You love him. Admit it. You are ready to go back.
She was. Almost.
The things he did for her, it was so hard not to want to go back.
In the gentle glow of twilight hour, he would sit in the car with her, looking up at the sky stretched in front and he would whisper things that mattered to her. That mattered to them. And she would melt. How could she not?!
"Look at the sky. Twilight hour. They carry the magic and hope and it feels like that all good things will just be at your fingertips at this hour. And I hope, Alex. I hope so desperately. You are my good thing, Lex. You are. I was stupid not to believe in that, but now I do." He had whispered one night they went to the motel she had lived once. It was strange he willingly brought her there, but as they walked inside, he told her how that place was one of the many reasons she came to him and she couldn't help but feel like she was the happiest being alive in the Earth.
No. She couldn't. The rein would break and her heart would gallop wildly towards him. To rein it back, it was hard for her.
He would do and say things he could have forgotten, but didn't and her heart would surrender. Again.
As days went on, she realized she was being stubborn for the heck of it. Not because she wanted to hurt him, but because she did not want to hurt herself.
She was halfway there, because everything he did and do didn't feel like forced or half-hearted. It didn't feel like he was doing it only for the baby. But fear, fear that she hadn't felt once, feat of knowing how the heartbreak felt like, it was a strong deterrent.
"Earth to, Alexandra." Stella clapped.
Alex blinked with a startled yelp.
"You should wipe that drool off." Stella said with a cheeky grin.
"Haha, very funny." Alex muttered.
"I know, I am funny."
"And I am a werewolf." Alex retorted.
"Very mature." Stella scoffed. "Ah, there. Your gentleman caller has arrived." Stella curtsied when they heard the knock on the door.
Alex stood up and almost bounced towards the door and Stella gave her a knowing smirk.
"Look at you. Dancing. Gosh, you look like that guy at the door is your first crush and that you hadn't just conceived a baby with him."
"Shut up, idiot." Alex said as she opened the door for Logan and he grinned up at her and that look in his eyes... It was everything she didn't know she had needed.
I love it when he looks at me. Like that. Like he is seeing me for the first time. Like I am precious.
I do, too. The voice said with a dreamy sigh.
When he looked at her, he only looked at her. Gently. Warming her soul from the insides out and it mattered. Just that look. It mattered. So much. It told her so much, as well, those words he didn't say.
"I have something for you." He said with a smile that could still warm the frozen corners of her heart. It was the smile. Something that would make his whole face transform into something magical and yes, she was being so sappy, but she couldn't help it. He always made her feel like this gooey mess...
"What?"
"Here."
"What is that?"
"You can open it and see it, you know." He chuckled softly.
"I know, smarty pants." She rolled her eyes as she tore the brown manila envelope and her eyes widened as she took it out.
Surprise warred with wonder as she looked at the thing in her hand.
God. How can I not love him?
There was just no one, no one like him. Not for her. There was only one Logan in the world. Only one HIM.
"This is... It is my sticky notes." She looked at the papers tied together into a notebook in her hand. Each page was printed with the sticky notes she used to write for Logan, almost every morning. It also had that love letter, the one Alex regretted writing. "You kept it all." Her voice wavered. "Everything."
"I did." He said. "They were like- my dose of happiness, Alex. Every morning, I would walk downstairs, and the first thing I'd check was the refrigerator. For this. One note from you. It was all it took to change my day." He whispered, staring into her eyes. She couldn't blink.
"Whoa, wow. You really know how to grab a woman's heart and wipe it with butter or something. Wait, that is really weird, but you get the gist." Stella said with a whistle and Alex had to agree.
He really did know how to grasp her heart right back.
"I hope that is a good thing." He said as he looked at Alex.
"It is." Alex murmured and he gave her an elated smile.
"Good."
They walked out together into the night breeze. It was gentle and soothing.
She didn't hesitate when his fingers came around hers and clasped tighter. It felt like she had finally come home.
His hand was strong and warm and she felt safe and complete. That incessant itch in her heart, it was strangely quiet.
Content. She felt content.
And so she held on.
She had a hard time letting go when they walked inside the restaurant, their restaurant, the one he took her to whenever they celebrated something good or weird.
He gave her a smile as they sat down.
"Chocolate cake?"
"You know me." She said.
"I do." He smiled gently. "You are beautiful. So beautiful." His voice was deep and hoarse as he said that and it sent warm tingles through out her body. She looked down at her fingers, suddenly so shy.
Gosh? What is happening to me?
She didn't know why. It wasn't like he was new to her, but still... He was new.
In the golden glow of the lights, he looked ethereal. Mysterious. Like some strange creature that came from a distant land.
Her creature.
Butterflies the size of eagles flapped their wings inside her stomach, creating a chaos of emotions inside her that she has only ever truly felt for Logan.
"Wow." He whispered and she looked up at him with question. "Even more beautiful now, with that blush."
"Shut up." She playfully smacked him with the glossed menu and he grabbed her hand in his.
He looked up at her and her heart thundered. His eyes were dark with need. With want. Her body felt a spectrum of spectacular sensation as he lifted her hand, pulled the menu from her frozen fingers and pulled her fingers open.
His eyes never left her as he smoothed his palm over hers.
"I love you." He said as he pressed his warm lips over her palm and her whole body gave a shuddering moan. Thankfully she didn't.
But she knew her eyes would be just a dark as his.
The reflection of his need.
"Logan..." She trailed off, want warring with wisdom and he smiled assuredly.
"You don't have to say it back. You have waited for me to say that for a long time and now it is my turn. I love you, Alexandra. I do love you. I hope you will see that I am not lying about that."
"I- I don't know-" Her stomach twisted.
The dark romantic mood was over and now she felt something distribing flutter over her heart.
What if? What if?
You know what ifs are for cowards and you have never been one.
I know. But...
The 'but' wasn't going away.
"Look at you, Alex. You are going to have a baby." He said with a smirk. She knew he was trying to make her feel at ease and she willingly accepted the distraction. "I am thinking what Aunt Beatrice would say if she sees you now."
"No, God, no." Alex smiled. "She wouldn't stop blathering about that."
"She would be happy to learn that your child bearing hips aren't going to waste. Oh and we did have that intercourse and... Are you happy to know that I am not impotent?" He asked with a smug smile and she glared at him as she waved a fork at his face. He smiled up at her, his eyes twinkling in the dim candle flickering around, mischief and mirth filling them up.
"Logan Adrian Forte, you will shut up if you know what is good for you." She scowled at him playfully.
"What, it was really funny." He gave her a shrug as the waiter placed their order in front of them.
"Nuh-uh, not. Still so embarrassing." She said with a pout and he chuckled. Her cheeks flamed hot with the memory of that. "And you promised you will never talk about it above this table."
"We can go under the table if you want. We can check our the floors." He winked and she poked her tongue out.
"You are not winning any brownie points, Logan, if this is your way of wooing me." She waved a hand.
"What? It is one of the defining moments in our relationship, you know. Enlightening and enriching. And so damn arousing." He said with a dark look.
She ignored.
"Defining moment? Really? That one?" She scrunched her nose.
She could clearly remember how bothered he was and she was when she stupidly hid underside the table. Like a buffoon. And then fell on his lap.
"I think so. When I tell our baby about how we met and what happened next, I am sure I won't be missing that one."
"Don't you dare embarrass me."
"No, I think she -or he- will think it is cute, as well."
"Cute, my ass."
"Yes. Your ass is cute too."
"Logan-"
"Sorry. Just too tempting." He smirked as they paid the bill. "Hey look at the time! When I talk with you, time just flies. U will drop you off at your hotel, Alex."
"It is on the other side, you know. I can get a cab.l, Logan. It is already too late and it looks like it is going to rain or something."
"It is just past ten and it is not a problem. I want to have the option of a goodbye kiss after I walked you to your door."
"Did I tell you that I will be generous today to give you that goodnight kiss? After all, I was the one who didn't sign at the bottom of your sex contract."
"Still your loss." He said with a cheeky wink and she chuckled.
"What were you thinking, huh?"
"I was just messing with you, like you did with me. You know, every action has an equal and opposite reaction." He gave her a look that made her smile.
"I mean, I wasn't actually messing with you. I mean, not fully."
"Really? Damn." He said as he opened the door for her. She walked inside and he came to his side and sat there for a minute without starting the engine.
"You known... Emma and Eliza miss you. I-"
"I know. I do, too."
"Why don't you meet with them?"
"I talked with them the other day. It is just-"
"I am sorry for making it awkward between you. When I think of it, I feel like everything is my fault."
"You didn't make anything awkward. It is just hard for me after- after all that, but we are going to be okay. We just need some time."
"Andy and Brian misses you. Camille, too."
Alex nodded. She missed them, too. But they were all part of Logan's life and it seemed so wrong, so hurtful as well, to be in their life when Logan wasn't. But now that he was back, she wished she could go back and mend all the brokenness.
They were her family, after all. She loved them all.
"We are here." He said as he pulled into the parking lot and she stepped out.
"I can go by myself. You know, you don't have to-"
"I want to, Lex."
They both walked in silence and she was content in it that she didn't want to break it. She loved how their silence was sometimes so meaningful than their words.
"How are you feeling about tomorrow?" He asked as they walked inside the lift.
"We are winning, or mostly winning. Michael is sure of that. I just have to-"
"I will be there for you tomorrow."
"Thanks for that, Logan. If it is not for you, my dad's dream would have-"
"I wouldn't have let that happen." He said, looking fiercely protective.
"I know. And this is my door." She said as they stopped near her room.
"So..."
"I am not giving you a goodbye kiss." Alex said with a teasing smile. She wanted to, but this time, as she had said to Stella, they were taking it slow.
Lazy snail in its death bed slow???? The voice added sarcastically.
"It is okay." He said. "I don't want to pressure you, but I wish you are coming home with me. It is not home without you."
"Logan- if you talk like this, I don't know how I can say no."
"Don't say no, then."
"But-"
"I am sorry. I promised to myself that I would not force you into making a decision and I didn't want to. But Alex, sometimes, it is so hard for me to leave you here and walk away from you when I want to hold on to you with all my might and never let go. It is just-"
She stood on her tippy toes and pressed a kiss on his cheeks. "I know. But let us not rush again. Let us not break this beautiful thing. It still feels so fragile."
"Sorry. I love you."
"I know. Bye Logan."
"Bye. Good night."
*
**
(Logan)
Logan already missed her.
The road was dark and the slow drizzle came down like tears.
He wished he could stay with her, wherever she was, but... Yes, she had waited so long for him and now it was his turn to wait.
He could wait for her. But he just missed her.
Nothing was right without her. Home felt like a cold, empty box without her. And it was hard, too hard, not to beg her to come back.
He knew she still loved him, and he knew that if he pressed a little harder, she would cave. But he didn't want to. He wanted her to come when she felt like she could trust him. He wanted her to come by herself, out of love, not out of any obligation.
He jerked up from his thoughts when he heard the loud blare of the truck. It came barelling straight towards him and he could think only one thing.
I will miss Alex and my baby.
He swerved.
And then there was only the loud banging noise, followed by utter silence.
I love you.
And the lights went out. Darkness overpowered.
~
~~
(Alexandra)
Alex couldn't sit still. Previous happiness was suddenly replaced by a feeling she couldn't pinpoint.
There was this nagging feeling at the bottom of her chest, and she tried so hard to sit and relax, but the niggling sensation of doom, of something unexplainable clawed at her insides, trying to come out of her throat.
It made her restless.
She paced the whole length of the small room until she felt tired, but that feeling, that feeling that something was so wrong, it didn't leave her.
She hugged herself around her midsection, trying to protect herself from what was coming. Herself and her baby.
She pulled her phone and dialled Logan's number. It rang and rang until it stopped.
"Alex?"
"There is something wrong. It is- it is- I don't know. Something so wrong."
"What are you-"
Alex's phone rang.
Her fingers shook as she handed the phone to Stella.
"No. No."
"Alex, relax. It is okay. " Stella said as she answered the call.
"It is not. It is not okay. Not okay."
Stella hung up the phone, her face pale and Alex blinked back her tears.
"Not my Logan. No. No." Alex shook her head.
"He was in an accident."
"No. Not my Logan. No. No." She repeated it again and again as if she forgot everything else, everyone else.
Stella watched helplessly at her friend.
"No. No. Nothing can happen to him. Nothing. We want him. He came here to drop me off. If I hadn't come here, he would have been safe. He would have been safe. No. No."
"Alex, Alex, stop. Stop. Baby, stop." Stella placed a hand on Alex's violently shaking body.
In a daze, Alex stood up. "I need to go to him."
She had to see him. She had to.
Don't leave me, Logan. You can't do this to me. You can't break me again. You promised.
"He promised. He promised."
"Yes. He will be fine."
"No, dammit. He promised."
"He will be okay."
"No. No. No. He can't do this to me. To us. He promised."
~~~
Hello all. How are you all doing? Hope you all are doing good. I am sorry I have been too long. But life is hard and hope you understand.
Tata.
See you soon.
Love.
And if you want to read the last chapter, without any wait.... You know the drill.
Go to this link -> https://inkitt.app.link/RA_bellasonline
You open the app using exactly this link and add the story in your library and you read it whenever possible and i will get paid. (Bit only if u use this link.) So it is easy and free for you and it pays for me.
That is a good deal, no???