"We're going to your parents right? For Christmas?" Y/NN asked me as we walked into her dorm building.
We had taken a walk to just get out of the house since it had been a couple weeks since we got home from Texas. When we got back it was nothing but class, focusing on grades and studying, we didn't necessarily have time to just hangout without an important purpose. Finals were in a week and it was right before Christmas so we were all stressed. From a student's point of view I wanted nothing to do with any of this and cry my life away since I hated studying. I just wanted to be rich and successful already.
"Yeah, I thought that was the plan?" I questioned her as I walked up to her elevator with a gulp, "I mean...only if you want to go-"
"No! Yeah, I definitely wanna go. I'd love to meet your parents." She tried to quickly jump to ease my worries and I smiled in relief.
"Especially your little sister cause if I say so myself I'm pretty good with kids." She smirked cutely and I chuckled as we pulled ourselves inside the metal box.
"Uh huh." I pressed her floor button and leaned against the railing as she looked me down.
Her eyes falling down my features, "Did you get the tickets already?" She asked me sweetly while her hand slid up my back comfortingly.
"Not yet, I was waiting until my check came into my account." I instantly felt safe, warm, and tired as her fingers started to tread into the beginning of my hair.
"I'll confirm them tonight." I breathed in and the doors opened shortly after.
Taking our time to get to her dorm as we made small talk about our trip to my hometown. Her eyes never leaving my being as if she was making sure I was okay. I had a long couple days with picking up shifts and studying overtime. I really didn't wanna fail or flunk at anything I did but I knew I most likely wasn't going to score as high as I thought I was. I just wanted to be finished with everything and stop feeling like a child who needs to learn everything at once.
When she opened up her apartment to me I yawned and was met with all of her roommates. I guess everyone was free today. It was a rarity that I saw all of them in one spot, together. Lauren clapped as they all stopped their conversations.
"They can go out grocery shopping!" Lauren suddenly yelled and I suddenly closed my eyes.
"What the hell did we just walk into?" I mumbled and Y/N giggled softly as her hand rested on my back again.
"No one wants to get up and you two are already up walking around-"
"PLUS! Y/N hasn't went grocery shopping in like seven months so back the hell up and go get our food." Lauren cut off Willow and the light skinned girl gave Lauren a look.
"Yeah, fine, I'll go." I heard my girlfriend take a deep breath but her smile never leaving her face.
She was always so positive and happy around me even if I wasn't at the moment. She'd do anything to keep me happy. I loved her and the effort she made just to make us as a whole happy and satisfied.
"You can go lay down-"
"No, I'll go." I gave her a small smile which caused her eyes to light up just a little.
"Alright? List! I need the list people." Y/N called out and made her way to the fridge and ripped it off the note magnet.
"Money?" She called out again and they all pointed to kitchen counter next to the sink.
"Uh huh, y'all sure didn't plan on getting up." Y/N's voice dripping with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes.
She picked up the handful of twenty dollar bills and stuffed it into her wallet. They all smiled gratefully at their roommate and started yelling again, "Thank you! We love you so much!"
"Oh how sweet our dear kids are!"
"Bro that's incest."
"Not if they're already married."
"Listen to yourself!"
Y/N then closed her door to shut out the sound of the bickering roommates. I giggled gently as she sighed loudly, "Not much different from your brothers." I commented on her friends and she laughed gently.
"Yeah, but I can kick their ass whenever I want." She smirked cutely and I knew she'd never do that.
She was as soft as a puppy when it came to her friends, she wouldn't hurt a fly. She lended out her hand for me to grab and I happily interlocked our fingers. Feeling the ridge of the silver ring on her middle finger and loving the warmth one touch gave my entire body. That was until my phone started to vibrate in my pocket and my head shot down at the sound.
I dug it out from my pocket and realized it was Ally and I frowned, she never called.
"Hello?" I answered and Ally gasped at the other end.
"Mila! Hi!" She quickly breathed and I continued to frown in confusion.
"Ally? Uh you okay?" I slightly chuckled and glanced up at my girlfriend as she clicked the elevator's button.
"No- well yes- look, don't be mad at me." She suddenly said trying to get whatever she was nervous about out of the way.
Then my heart dropped as my brain started to think of all the possible things I could've done that was horrible.
"What do you mean, Ally?" My eyes narrowed at a certain spot I was staring at.
"Look, I kinda had Austin listen to your song that you made for that project-"
"What?! Why Austin?"
"We have classes together and he wanted to know what we were working on! Look he kinda uh... uhm- you know that college radio station-"
"Ally." I squeezed my eyes shut as I started to feel panic creep up my spine rather quickly.
"Come on babe." Y/N mumbled as she led me into the metal box once again.
"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry but this is awesome though! It's a beautiful song and you have a great voice-"
"That is definitely not the damn point! I'm- goddamnit, Als." I started to panic as I suddenly started to feel incredibly judged and embarrassed.
I felt really hot and I had the need to hide away forever-
"At least no one will know your face."
"Austin knows my damn name Ally." I growled and I wasn't exactly mad at anyone I was just so deathly afraid of anyone telling me I was not cut out for anything I was trying to reach in my life.
And that was gonna happen if one person or a hundred people listen to the radio station today. I gulped heavily as I peeled away my sweatshirt quickly and I saw the way Y/N watched me carefully.
"Are you okay?" She worriedly asked and I then stopped pacing.
"Fuck." I mumbled as my heart clenched despite the intense panic I was feeling.
She hasn't even heard it and it was meant for her.
"It happened so fast I'm so sorry I didn't realize how scared you'd be. But you are so talented, Mila!" Ally tried stumbling over her words to ease me but it didn't really work.
"Ally..." I sighed as I looked up at the ceiling of the elevator, "I'm scared."
"I know, you'll be fine! I doubt anyone will look you up or anything. I mean it's the campus radio for Christ's sake." She then nervously laughed out her words and I closed my eyes.
"When is it coming on?" I mumbled as I leaned against the wall.
"This afternoon."
"Ally... it's already two thirty." I looked into space and she sighed.
"It hasn't come on yet." She added again and making every sudden thought disappear.
"Fuck." I closed my eyes again and kept my hand against my chest as if I was keeping my heart in its place.
"It's not so bad." She tried to reason with me and I just couldn't believe her, "Remember that terrible song that came out Sweats-"
"And what if I'm the next?" I cut her off and I heard the doors open again which felt like hours.
I quickly left trying to feel as much fresh air as I could and Y/N trailed right behind me.
"You won't be! I promise you sounded amazing." Ally sighed and I just looked back at my quiet girlfriend.
"I'll call you back make sure you keep me updated on what's happening. I don't wanna like... die if I hear a glimpse of it somewhere."
"Uh yeah sure. I'll call you." She let me know and I hummed as I walked out Y/NN's building.
We hung up and I stuffed my phone in my pocket as I let out the deepest breath I could.
"Bello?" Her soft voice reached my ears and I perked up at the sound, "Are you okay?" She questioned again while she peeked over my shoulder to see my facial expression.
"No." I told her the truth as I instantly let my shoulders slump.
Her arm wrapping around them securely and I melted into her hold as she slowed us down. But I wanted to keep walking cause if I stayed in her arms in the middle of the sidewalk I wasn't gonna continue on. She let me keep walking while her arm stayed wrapped around my shoulders.
"What's wrong?"
"I... some stuff, that project I worked on when we came back." I tried finding a way to say it without actually revealing it and making her have the need to immediately look it up.
We got to her truck that was parked on the side of the building and she opened the door for me as she always did. She quickly made her way in to hear the rest of my problems or to try and dig deeper.
"Your project? Didn't you pass that though? You got your grade back?" She frowned in confusion and I just closed my eyes as I felt so fucked with anxiety.
"It's gone public now." I mumbled hoping again she wouldn't get all excited to hear it.
"Public? Like... did someone take it? Where is it?" She looked at me expectedly as she cranked up the engine.
"Oh my God." I mumbled and held my face feeling extremely afraid and embarrassed.
"Babe." She softly laughed and leaned over to press her hand against my thigh.
"Just tell me what happened."
"My damn song that I had to make is now released to the public without my knowing because Austin is an ass who likes to push my buttons. Now the damn campus radio station is gonna play it sometime this afternoon and I don't wanna die from embarrassment!" I let out and she looked at me with raised eyebrows and I just growled to myself.
"Sweet, let's turn on the radio-"
"Y/NN." I stopped her playfulness with a gently sigh and she lightly laughed.
"Babe, I'm kidding." She chuckled before driving off, "I mean, why are you so afraid? It's the whole reason why you're studying this field, isn't it?"
"Not to be famous." I mumbled as I looked out the window thinking everything over.
I mean, it wouldn't hurt to be famous with overwhelming amount of love and money.
"I think you're perfect, I hear you in the shower- and at my parents' house! You were fuckin' great!" She smiled so happily and it did make me feel a little better but I was still panicked.
"Still won't forgive you for that." I half-joked knowing it was probably one of the most nerve racking experience I had there.
"You were still amazing." She shrugged and I loved the support she gave me.
"I still hate attention."
"You sang in front of Ally?" She mentioned and I just shrugged to myself.
"It was work, I had to do it- I don't know, Y/NN, I just get really nervous of judgement and hateful people. Especially since I know I can say all that negativity to myself without anyone's help." I let her in and she continued to drive with a small sigh.
She glanced over at me and I loved the way her eyes sparkled when the sun hit them, "You're gonna get judged, you're gonna probably get tons of shit. But everyone gets it when they're out there like that, singing, dancing or just being talented."
"Literally all you have to think is that they are people who aren't good enough for this world- they'll never make a change. They will always be the lower than you when they think they can put something hateful out there. Trying to be funny, trying to get attention, trying to gather friends who think the same way- no matter what they will never do anything particularly special for their own life cause they're too busy caught up in someone else's."
"You're so fucking talented and amazing, you won't ever change my mind about that." She then eased my worries almost completely and I just sat there in silence.
I still had some anxiety but as long as the one person I truly cared for loved the way I sounded then it didn't matter.
"Now can I have a listen please?" She raised her eyebrows and I just closed my eyes.
"Oh look the grocery store." I called out sarcastically and she lightly smiled to herself as she just shook her head at me.
-
"You're listening to Portland State Radio!"
"You gotta be fuckin' kidding me." I mumbled and Y/N laughed loudly as we grabbed a cart from the entrance.
"Oh, karma is your best friend, baby." She leaned in to kiss my cheek and I just playfully kicked her butt when she started walking away from me.
I crossed my arms feeling rather sick suddenly and I looked all around the store for the bathroom just in case. I hadn't felt good this past week and today was probably the day I was finally gonna yak it all up. The amount of stress I was under was gonna kill me and I watched my girlfriend go deeper into the store. She was having the time of her life waiting to hear one tiny syllable of my words. She really was my number one fan even if I hated it.
I followed behind her as she checked things off of her list and she hopped her head to some of the songs playing. I held onto the side of the cart making sure she wouldn't shop and move so fast. I really wasn't feeling it and the more I was walking the more I felt like I had to puke. I hated this feeling with every fiber of my being and Y/N was finally starting to notice.
The more I focused on what we needed in more specifically in the refrigerator area the more I started to cool down. She lightly danced her feet to the ending of the many pop songs as she tossed a bag of chicken strips into the cart. She looked up at me as she picked up two other packages and pressed them to my cheeks.
"Oh no baby, you're cold, cold, cold." She shyly sang to the song and I lightly giggled with her and the song ended right after.
"Now where's the cheese?" She hummed looking around despite being in the store hundreds of times.
I backed up knowing where it was and what kind they all liked while she moved on to something else once she saw my actions. I looked over the labels and started picking up what they liked and almost immediately dropped it all. My heart plummeted when my ears perked up to the very first second of that damn fucking song.
I sharply inhaled rather loudly as my entire body straightened out and my eyes connected with Y/N's worried one's. Then the worry faded away and was replaced with a bright smile that I loved but hated so much at this moment. I ran over the cart and she gasped loudly and excitedly.
"Anything else?" My voice echoed over the stores speakers and I felt weak at the knees as she grabbed me.
"Stop, oh my God." I whined just wanting to leave all together and she kept her arms wrapped around me.
She kept me in place as I buried my head into her neck while her body already started to move to the music. I groaned as she happily smiled and hummed, "You tell me that I overthink til I ruin a good thing, anything else?"
"Ha, true." She snickered and I tried hitting her but she kept me locked in her hold.
"You tell me that you'd rather fight than spend a single peaceful night... with somebody else."
"No doubt about that either." She happily giggled and I couldn't help but admire at how ecstatic she was.
She kept me close not letting up once as she pressed her hands over my ears. Her head directed up towards the ceiling as she smiled so brightly at the speaker. I knew we probably looked like weirdos in the large aisle but I didn't care. All I cared was the fact that everyone here was listening to this song that I wrote in the middle of the night.
"Touch me til I find myself, in a feelin'. Tell me with your hands that you're never leavin'."
She suddenly started to sway us cutely and she did a little jump as she giggled so fucking adorably. She playfully rocked us as I groaned in embarrassment and she was so happily invested in the music I practically made for her.
"I'm glad you know I love your crooked teeth." She hummed and continued on with her happiness.
I didn't think it was possible to wipe that smile off of her face at the moment. I had never really seen her like this and I knew this was something I had to cherish forever. I finally giggled into her neck and let her have her way and dance in the middle of the aisle.
As the ending came up she slowly came to a stop and just rested her head on top of mine. She was quite still and I wondered what she was thinking. I leaned up and she looked down at me when a commercial came on. I saw her eyes red as can be and a smile plastered on her face.
"Babe-"
"You're fuckin' awesome." She lightly laughed but her laugh was mixed in with a hidden sob.
What a softy.
"Like really, that was awesome." She sniffled and nodded in complete happiness.
"I really can't believe you're crying right now, wow." I tried to tease her and she let out that laugh again as she looked away.
"It's allergies." She joked and I smiled up at her as she wiped her eyes.
"Geez act like I never said I loved you before." I joked again and nudged her but she didn't joke back as much this time.
"Not like this you haven't." She breathed out as she smiled down at me and I didn't know what to think.
"I wanna hear more." She stated but it sounded more like a plea and I suddenly felt bad that I haven't shared any of this with her sooner.
I nodded and grabbed her hand, "Okay." I mumbled suddenly feeling much more open to her listening to what I was working on.
She then happily pecked my lips and wiped her eyes again just to look down at the grocery list. She was never the one to dwell on her emotions for too long. She always wanted a way to runaway from them but never without a reason. Never without saying something first. Damn woman, always leaves me guessing.
-
I had no idea what happened between the time I heard my own song on the radio to the time we got to her apartment; but I had gotten so sick that I didn't want a single sound coming from anything. I felt like one tiny sound would make me projectile vomit once more and I didn't feel like being embarrassed furthermore. It was like I walked outside from the grocery store smelt one strong odor from somewhere nearby and just piled it all out by Y/N's truck tire.
I had never seen someone put groceries up that fast in my entire life and the mere minutes that passed I was just getting more and more nauseous. The moment I stepped into Y/N's apartment I felt the instant heat from them cranking the thermostat up to seventy eight degrees (25° C). Then felt that sudden feeling of something wanting to creep up my throat and ran into the bathroom. All that fucking stress. For nothing but bad feelings and experiences.
I had stripped all of my clothing off just leaving me in my underwear and bra since it had gotten so hot for me to handle. And I crawled into her bed after cracking her window to let the cool winter air in. I closed my eyes waiting for her to enter and take care of me while I listened to the wind outside. Everything sounded so different when you were so high from the ground.
It was now quite calming rather than a few minutes ago where I couldn't handle a single sound. As if my ears were connected to my stomach and if I even came into contact with a wavelength it'd push the vomit even further up my throat.
Then the door quickly opened and I caught the faint smell of coffee in the living room and groaned out in disgust. Y/N leaned down to pull my hair back and she expertly wrapped it up in a bun. She handed me a large cooking bowl for me to yak up in if I needed too and some saltine crackers.
"You okay?" She tried to lower her voice to the most softest octave she could.
"Mhm." I hummed with my eyes closed as I now felt freezing but didn't dare to try and warm myself back up.
"Phone." I mumbled out not trusting my own movements.
She reached down in my pants to pull out my phone and she looked at me expectedly, "Your birthday." I informed her and she punched in the code and it brightened up her face.
"Voice Memos." I ordered again and she gave me a little smile as she followed directions closely.
"Dream of You is finished." I whispered as I closed my eyes again, "It's for you."
She pressed on the song I had made and tried to perfect it along with Easy. And she sat there, in front of me listening to every beat, instrument, and lyric. She sat there with a happy smile on her face as if I gave her the best present in the world. And somehow it was at this moment that I knew I definitely wanted to keep making this music to keep that smile on her face.
Because she was my deepest muse.
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Can't sleep and I have a whole ass job interview in like 6 hours lol fuck
Hope y'all enjoyed and if you didn't then sorry crusty cunts don't get an opinion😘
Have a great day or night beautifuls x
- Maddie
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