"I'm so fucking happy we're back home." Y/N sighed out heavily as she collapsed onto her bed.
I nodded as I looked at the time on my phone and cursed to myself, "Come here." She mumbled into her pillow but I groaned.
"I can't, I have to work on a project." I quickly told her and she turned her head just as fast.
"Project? We just got home?"
"I totally forgot to do it before we left for Texas and I said I'd pull an all-nighter today." I gave her a face that expressed my sorrow.
"Damnit, Bello." She sighed sadly and I accidentally let out a small laugh.
"I'm sorry, I'll be back sometime tonight." I leaned over her and gave her a big kiss while she just laid there.
"Don't over exert yourself please." She quietly begged and I nodded knowing I was probably gonna do just that anyway.
"Babe..." Her eyes narrowed as she grabbed my hand, "Please?"
"Yeah, okay, I won't." I gave her a smile and she just shook her head while her eyes closed.
"Don't make me slap you." She joked and I smirked as I lightly slapped her chest.
"I might like it." I joked back and she let out a breathy laugh.
I grabbed my backpack that was perched next to hers and started to walk out of her room, "Hey!" She called out and I turned my head to see her eyes half open.
"I love you, be safe." She mumbled tiredly and I nodded while my heart skipped a beat.
"I love you more." I replied and shut the door so she could get some sleep.
I made my way through the living room where Hayley was eating some of her leftovers from last night. Lauren reading a book while an episode of Law & Order was on and Hayley's eyes peering right into the screen.
"See you guys later." I acknowledged them once more and Lauren waved me off.
Her eyes never leaving the book while Hayley smiled up at me, "Have fun!" She replied unknowing of my plans and I giggled.
I loved that about her and the way she always wanted everyone to have a great time. So, as I walked down the hall I only had one thing on my mind: Ally.
-
"Hi, I'm so sorry if I'm intruding on anything I just didn't see the key-"
"Oh! Don't worry about it, Mila. It's on my desk, I didn't think you'd be home so early."
"Neither did I." I mumbled mostly to myself and she looked back at me while she grabbed the studio key.
"Was it bad?" She asked and I shook my head but eventually shrugged.
"Uh the dad is just very... uh conservative, I guess." I let her know very little and she nodded.
"Yeah, you'll see that in the south. I'm from San Antonio and I've seen quite a few incidents. It's never really bad where you can't go out holding hands but you also won't get a day where you don't get a dirty look." She shrugged and handed me the keys.
"You mind if I join?" She asked me and I felt the need to runaway suddenly.
I hated singing in front of people.
"Uh sure." I gave her a tight lipped smile and she happily grabbed her shoes.
"It's gonna be so much fun." She smiled cutely and I turned around towards the door.
"Fuck." I mouthed to myself as I felt my heart rate start to rise.
No matter how many self calming classes I took to take the edge off of performing or speaking publicly- I was still a scared bitch. I really hated the idea of someone judging my writing or my voice or both. Telling me that I might be wasting my time and money by even choosing to learn this field. But I always tried to do what my mother tells me, when you fear something take it by the balls and fly with it. Well, something like that.
I stepped out of the quite nice dorm room and watched her lock up as I tried to reassure myself I'd be fine.
"How much does your dorm cost you?" I asked her hoping to get the ball rolling and give me more insight on the open dorms or apartments around the campus.
"Oh uh about twenty three hundred every term. I transferred over with my friend Tori after our first year." She informed me and I bit my lip as I started to lose myself in my thoughts.
No wonder Shawn and I didn't fucking get a new dorm, we didn't even put a transfer in. I went to Seattle and he partied and was always out all night long. I sighed out feeling incredibly stupid for missing my chance to get a bigger dorm. At least we had our desks blocking each other's view while in Ally's dorm the beds were right next to each other without anything to block. I could survive a little longer until Y/N is up and ready to get the show on the road.
"You're still in the freshman dorm right?" She asked me and I nodded as we walked outside.
"Yeah, Ondine, but I pretty much stay with Y/NN in her dorm." I shrugged as I pulled my sweater closer to my body feeling the breeze sweep through me.
"The big one? I was looking at those when I first got here. There's no way I could ever afford something like that. At least not right now." She giggled and I nodded with a small smile.
"It's really nice until you have four other girls in the dorm in which at least one is always up all hours of the day." I lightly joked as we walked across the park blocks to try and reach our destination.
"You uh you and Shawn okay? I haven't seen him around as much." She then asked and I didn't necessarily know how to answer which she immediately picked up on, "I'm sorry if it's invasive! I shouldn't have asked-"
"No, it's okay, uh it got a little awkward when I found out he had a crush on me and had a past with Y/N." I let her know and her eyes widened.
"A past with Y/N? I thought she liked girls?" She also picked up on that and I laughed loudly.
"Not like that." I cackled deeply as I breathed in the crisp colder air, "He was an ass to her and still continued to be a jealous prick when he found out we were dating. It's a long story." I tried to finish up the topic at hand so I wouldn't reveal anything too serious.
It was Y/N's story to tell, not mine, all I had to say was that Shawn got what he deserved for the time being. If he wanted to continue being distant with me then that was on him but he needed to understand that he isn't the victim. He did it to himself.
"Sorry." She gave me a tight lipped smile and I waved her off.
"You're fine." I giggled and I walked past our writing class and through the doors of the music hall.
"Where's your friend? I didn't hear anyone back at your place." I kept up the conversation as we made our way through the building.
"She's over at her boyfriend's house, Thanksgiving and all." Ally shrugged and I smirked as I nudged her lightly.
"What about you? You got a special thing for someone?" I wiggled my eyebrows as we reached the studio we were used to going in.
"Uh not really, I just got out of a long term relationship and just wanted to focus on school." She suddenly got shy and I chuckled as I unlocked the door.
"What was his name?" I questioned as I opened the door to let us in.
"Troy." She replied shortly and walked in and flicked the lights on.
I looked around the studio breathing in the scent of fresh cardboard boxes and notebooks. It was odd, it just smelt new and I absolutely loved it. I slipped off my sweater while closing the door behind me.
"Ah home sweet home." I smiled and she chuckled softly as she slipped off her bag and started going through it.
"Do you have a song already in the world or are we starting fresh?" She asked me and I bit my lip feeling that anxiety rise in me again.
"Uh I'm already working on one." I sheepishly said as I pulled up my phone knowing my lyrics were in my notes.
"Can I see?" She excitedly asked as she tried to peek over and I cleared my throat.
I was a bit hesitant at first and I just handed her my phone when I got to the right song I was writing. She sat down in the office chair and I nervously bit my fingernail while I leaned against the wall behind me. My other hand fiddling with the hem of my shirt and she hopped her head to the silent beat going on in her bed.
"That is literally so cute, I can't." Her sweet self looked up at me and I felt relief wash over me.
"It's not cheesy?" I questioned insecurely and she nodded.
"Oh of course it is! But that's what makes it great because it's coming from you." She stood up to turn on the light to the studio booth and I looked at her with scared eyes.
"People make great music when they're not trying so hard. Don't let anyone make you feel like you need to try harder. You write what you feel and you go in there and sing it like you want to." She then sat back down with a small smile and I looked her up and down.
"You're an amazing human." I complimented her and she smiled with a shrug.
"I try."
"Have you started on the music part?" She questioned and I scratched my neck.
"Uh I had an idea for it but I just couldn't exactly record it yet." I lightly laughed knowing it would probably take the longest part of my day.
"Girl..." She sighed and I giggled out a whine.
"I know, I'm sorry." I groaned and leaned over to pull my laptop out of my backpack.
"I mean I recorded a little snippet of what I'd like it to sound like... with my mouth but I was walking from class and I didn't have anything to play-"
"You're so funny." Ally giggled as she listened to me ramble on as I hooked up my laptop.
Minutes passed and I looked around as I scratched the back of my neck once more.
"Do you know how to play guitar?" I sheepishly asked and she stared right up at me from my laptop.
"Tell me right now you know how to play at least one instrument." She gazed my way and I gnawed on the inside of my lip.
"Shit-"
"Well, I know a couple chords cause Shawn taught me." I shrugged and she then nodded.
"I only know a couple chords too, damnit-"
"Just go to my knockoff GarageBand." I pointed to the corner of my screen with a shrug.
"I really need a MacBook." I mumbled against my fist as I watched the app load up.
"You're fine." Ally mumbled back as we focused in on the editing app.
"They really should've made this a group project how the hell could they expect me to do all this shit by myself?" I frowned and she looked at me with a snort.
"I am literally right here and you literally had like four weeks to do it." She spoke up with a light laugh and I just shrugged it off.
I slipped out my phone again to bring up my Voice Memo to remember what I had wanted to make. The gross sound of my slight heavy breath slipping through the speakers then the wind scratching through. I grimaced when my voice came in and started to hum only the beat and my musical idea hoping it'd come to life later on. I really couldn't wait until I was alone and in a quiet place, could I?
"I wanted it to sound more heavenly though like a fairytale. Cause, I mean, duh, the lyrics-"
"Gotcha. Here you do it." She handed me my own laptop and I was already familiar with the app so I started right off the bat.
I tapped down on some of the keys on the keyboard and quickly scrunched up my nose when the wrong sound came out.
"Okay, no, delete that." I mumbled to myself and Ally laughed as she herself pulled out her laptop.
Long moments and I mean long moments passed until I was somewhat satisfied with the piano soundtrack. I leaned back to pop my back from the hunched over position I was in for so long. Ally looked up from her laptop to listen carefully to the piano draft. I then closed my eyes at the sudden thought of nothing ever sounding good.
"I'm gonna kill this thing." I mumbled and she frowned.
"What are you talking about? It sounds great!" She slapped my leg and I just shook my head as I looked back down at my laptop.
I added another instrument underneath and she just stared me down, "Make it sound like an xylophone instead then. Only if you don't like the real piano sound." She tried suggesting and I followed her lead which it somehow made it sound a little better.
"Just keep layering the instruments it'll probably sound better- then send it off to Austin. He's the producer type around here." She suggested again and I admired her help cause I'd be having a breakdown at the moment if she wasn't here.
I went back to work and kept adding and playing with each little sound I could come up with. Whatever felt good right? I wasn't a producer but it was nice to create my own music. Made me feel like I didn't even need to be here to make it out there. I could do it... right?
After hours of endless developing new sounds and throwing out ideas we finally had something we both were ninety percent sure of. It had a nice ring to it and all I had to do was just sing which fucking God I really didn't wanna do that now. Hours of stressing if the music sounded good didn't help me at all because now my anxiety was worse than we first got here. What if my voice just makes it worse? I sound like a choking cat.
"The instrumental part is done with! Just go in there-"
"But people are gonna hear it- how about you sing it?" I threw out and she stomped her foot.
"You wrote this song for Y/N, I'm not singing anything. Go in there, you'll be fine." She tried pushing me gently and I huffed hoping it'd relieve the tightness from my chest, "Camila, you were singing to me all night cause it's your song. You sound amazing just please go in there."
"I'll go order something to eat if it'll make you feel better?"
"Outside?" I asked and she chuckled again.
"If you want me to, yeah." She agreed and I breathed in sharply as I turned on my heels anxiously.
"Pizza?" She called out and I nodded as I shut the door.
I saw her laughing to herself as she picked up her phone from the table and made her way out of the studio completely. I looked at the professional looking mic and breathed in deep. I can do this, I got this. I picked up the headphones and slipped them over my ears just to listen to the music already playing.
I tried my best to let everything go and I pulled up my phone to read the lyrics I typed out. I sang to the music I created and let it just flow through despite my unsettling anxiety. But the more I sang the more I thought of my girlfriend and the more free I felt within myself. I really didn't have anything to be scared of because through her I loved myself. She taught me a lot and not just about me but from love itself.
"Alway thought I was hard to love til you made it seem so easy."
I smiled as the best hit and I felt it through my soul, my heart pounding at the feeling I was suddenly now experiencing. The tingles running up my spine and through my veins while I just wanted to do this forever. I wanted to run to where my girlfriend was laying and just hold her and tell her everything I've ever felt. It had been a year and I could not stop this feeling even if I tried.
The happiness she brought to me with a simple smile or the love I felt when she says my name. The tenderness she gave me and only me because I knew she'd never wanna hurt me. The trueness of it all and how much I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her. It was real. The realest thing anyone could ever experience. Their own person.
_
I had said my goodnight to Ally after six coffees, almost three boxes of pizza and two finished songs. Walking back to Y/N's dorm in the middle of the night with my hand securely on my keys just in case. My heart so full with pent up love I only caused myself from daydreaming of my lover. My eyes heavy from the caffeine crash along with jet lag and staying up for twelve hours during my own exhaustion.
Dragging myself through the doors of her dormitory building then into the elevator and down her hall. I unlocked the door with the spare key she had given me and tried to adjust my eyes through the pitch blackness around the apartment. My feet now aching due to everything wanting to just shut down and rest. Opening up the door quietly hoping I wouldn't scare her awake.
I kicked off my shoes and put my bag down next to hers just to look over at her sprawled out body. Her arms wrapped around the pillow I usually slept with and her nose shoved deep into it. I'd like to think it was because the scent of my shampoo was still there and she missed me. I smiled again thinking back to this wonderful night and stripped my clothes until I was in underwear and a shirt.
Sliding in right over her since she was on my side of the bed and getting comfortable. I knew if I closed my eyes I could instantly fall asleep without a card in the world. But I trailed my eyes over her features once she moved her face from the pillow to rest her cheek against it instead. Her eyelashes resting peacefully against her cheek and her lips plump while she breathed in through her nose in a steady rhythm.
I leaned in to press my lips against her forehead ever so softly as I felt like I transferred just a little bit of my pent up love to her. Just letting her subconscious know that I truly thought she was the best thing in my world. I closed my eyes and I smiled in my sleep with the woman of my dreams right next to me.
I had what I needed.
___________________
Y'all can throw some ideas out if you want I might follow some... I might not.
Anyways I hope y'all enjoyed and if you didn't then
(First time in two years I didn't insult anyone up there)
So ima do it down here, fuck y'all whores if you didn't enjoy smd :)
Have a great day or night beautifuls x
- Maddie