So read... Some of you might Alex after this, some of you might have a burning itch to write a scathing comment, some of you might curse me... But, I just want to say, hello, life is full of mistakes we learn from. None of us are perfect. And Alex is not perfect. She is human, she is confused at times, she makes mistakes too. just as Logan would do. so go on. if you want to stop reading... 😔 That would immensely make me sad, but that is your right.
***
Life with you feels natural. Feels like it is supposed to be and yet, here we are, at the brink of falling and never getting back up. - Alexandra
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29. Incriminating photos and confessions
(Alexandra)
Alex couldn't believe her eyes or her lips. Or the man --her friend-- now leaning over the table. And kissing her.
The hell. What the hell?
Oh God. Oh God. How could he be kissing her now? God. It was so wrong.
But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't move. It was the shock. It must be. She was freaking out, but she couldn't move. She was frozen in place. Her brain was frozen, as well.
Logan. Logan. He will never forgive me if I do this to him.
His name was ringing inside her like an echo, but Logan would not care. Would he? He would care that it was bad for his reputation, but would he care that another man loved her like a man loved a woman?
Leo's lips were still on hers, coaxing, pleading, begging. She could taste his hopelessness on her lips.
Pull away! Dammit, Alexandra. Do it.
But except knowing that this was totally wrong, she could do nothing. Of course, she wanted to move, but couldn't. Wouldn't. She was frozen. In time. In place. In chaos.
What is wrong with me? She thought. Move, stupid. Move away.
It was so wrong. It was so selfish. But for a moment, just this moment, she wanted to be selfish. She wanted to be inconsiderate. She wanted Leo's desperation. She wanted Leo's vulnerability. She wanted to thrive in his weakness. It meant... She wasn't the only one breaking.
Stop. Freaking stop this madness.
Leo was her friend. He had become someone she cared about in such short time and she couldn't hurt him.
Push him away. You can't do this to yourself, or Leo or Logan.
The moment felt like eternity, but her hands were finally, finally listening to her. And then there was a flash. Shit.
He looked forlorn, like she had kicked him in his gut. She wanted to hug him and say it was going to be alright. She knew he was going to be alright, but today he wasn't, neither was she.
"Stop." She said as she looked up into his azure blue eyes. They were like a cloudy sky. It made her heart break all over again, for him.
She stared at Leo, her hands pressed against his chest in warning. "Don't."
Her stomach was twisting and she wanted to puke. She wanted to puke all over herself. She felt disgusted and dirty, not because Leo had kissed her, but because she had wanted to use this, use his weakness to run away from herself, her weakness.
It was so wrong. She was-she had never been that selfish.
I am so sorry, Leo.
He looked at her with guilt, but there was something else there, too, something she had never expected to see in any man. Love. Maybe he wasn't in love with her, but he loved her.
How she wished she loved Leo, back. It would have been easy and simple. It wouldn't have been impossible and difficult like it was with Logan.
But you are in love with Logan.
But maybe I can learn to love--
Impossible. The answer was almost instant.
Leo loved her and here she was, going to hurt him for that. Just as she would forever be hurt for her love, Leo would be, for his.
"What are you doing?" She whispered. "This is totally inappropriate, Leo." She said, feeling like a hypocrite. But he needed to realize this wasn't going anywhere. She couldn't give him false hope.
"I am sorry." He said as he looked down. He looked really sorry, but she was sorry, too.
"God, Leo. Did you see that flash? Someone took a damn picture. It will be all over the news-God, you are a freaking celebrity, how can you, ugh! How the hell am I going to explain this to Logan?" She muttered, more to herself than to him.
How the hell would she? She could have if it was all Leo's fault, but it wasn't.
"I know, Alex, okay. I know, but he kissed someone else, too. I saw that. I saw your eyes and-- God, I want to protect you." He looked at her with exasperation and sadness. "And I want you to know how I feel for you."
"She kissed him, yes and it wouldn't be all over the freaking media. This is- oh my... I am married, for God's sake. You know that, Leo. You can't feel anything else for me, except friendship."
"I don't know shit. What the hell are you doing with him, Alex? He didn't love-- shit, he was Kissing that woman. He doesn't love you like you do and anyone can see that."
Anyone can see that!
It felt like a slap. His words. It might be true, but hearing it from someone she trusted as friend, in such unobscured clarity, it was like a blow to her heart and soul. She took a step back from Leo and he shook his head.
"No. Please. Sorry, that was such a wrong thing to say." He grabbed her hand and she shook it away. "Don't go. Don't go like this. I can't- I am sorry, I am sorry for being an idiot. But I love you, Alex. I love you and that is... "
"Don't say it. Don't." She didn't want to hear him say that. Because she was weak enough to hold on to that, even when she didn't want to.
"Why can't I? Over the months, you have become someone I truly, actually care about. And I- I don't want to let you go, Alex. You are wonderful, kind and -"
Leo looked determined. He looked like he would fight a war to win her. But he couldn't win no matter how hard he fought, because her heart wasn't hers, anymore. It belonged to a man who could care less about it.
And Logan was the only one she could love.
You don't know that. You really don't. She didn't know why the voice that always supported Logan was now talking her into trying to love someone else. It was just so-so confusing.
I don't, but I don't want to find out, too. I don't want to use Leo as an experiment and hurt him. I can't.
"I care for you, too, but you are my friend and you-- you look drunk. How many drinks did you have at the gala? Go home, Leo. Sleep. And get your head straight. I am not doing this to Logan and you know that. You know that." Her body shook as she stared at him, her eyes filled with tears. She blinked rapidly and he shook his head as he pushed his fingers through his hair.
"Yes, damn it. I know you love him, I know. I see every damn time how you look at him, and it is no way near how you look at me. But did he look at you like that? Tell me that, just that and I will let this go. Let you go."
"I don't care how he looks at me. Okay? We are done talking, Leo. If you want to come back, come back to me as a friend. Nothing more. Never." She said with a determined frown and he gave her a lopsided smile.
"Never say never." He said as he slumped down on his chair. He looked tired.
She wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, to assure that it was going to be alright, that he was going to be alright.
"Stop doing this, Leo."
"Why should I stop? I don't care if you are married. I love you."
"Shut up."
"No can't do." He said as he took a sip of his wine. She pulled it away from him.
"Stop drinking. It is making you say and do stupid things."
"Hey Alex, I am not drunk. I know what I am doing and it is not stupid. You are the stupid one here to believe Logan even after you saw him kissing that- that woman. I don't know how you can be so-"
She stood up with a scowl. "No, stop. Bye, Leo. We will talk when you are not drunk." She said as she walked out of the restaurant, leaving him inside. She saw him pouring another glass of wine with a frown and gulping it down.
She hailed a cab, and as the car picked up speed, she picked up her phone and called Trish. She knew Trish would be angry with her, but she had to do this for Leo's sake.
"Hey, Leo needs you. Pick him up from Cole's Kitchen. It is the small-"
"I know. It is his favorite place. So what happened?" Trish asked.
"Just get him home." Alex said and hung up before Trish could say anything.
She had to tell this to Logan, of course, she would. But she was so tired right now. This was a rough night and weirdly unexpected things had happened.
Her whole body was aching and her heart was like a messy bucket filled with chaos. She just wanted to lie right there in the cab and go to sleep.
She knew Logan would not take it in stride --of course, he would be angry because she left with Leo-- and before he could come to his senses and realize that this was just like the kiss between him and Stacie--
Is it? He pushed her away. You took your sweet time.
It is not my fault. I was momentarily gone insane.
Good excuse. Tell that to Logan and we will see.
She knew he wouldn't like seeing his wife plastered across paper with another man.
Maybe he would just end their contract and send her on her way. Maybe she wanted it all to happen. There was only two months more, but it was getting harder and harder to keep her feelings at bay, to keep herself from just begging him to let her stay with him.
She was so afraid. So very afraid that she was going to lose it and beg him to love her back.
When she reached home, she found a sticky note in his usual scribble left on the refrigerator. She smiled as she read it as tears dribbled down her cheeks.
Tomorrow. Somehow, deep in her bones she knew. It wouldn't be the same. They wouldn't be the same. It would all change for the better or worse.
And she also knew it wouldn't be for better.
~
~~
Lex,
I called you. You didn't take my call. I have an urgent meeting with an important client and I have to go. Won't be back until tomorrow. And tomorrow, we will talk. About Stacie. About everything. Never walk away. Especially not with Leo. I don't like it. And dinner is in the table.
-L
~
~~
"Why are you doing this to me, Logan? What is all this caring, understanding words? If this is all friendship, how will you love someone?" She whispered to herself as she pressed the paper against her cheeks. She could feel him in the paper and it felt almost stupid.
She shook her head and pulled out her phone. There were four missed calls from him. She dialed his number, but it went to voicemail.
God. She wanted to hear his voice so bad. To be near him. She wanted to be where he was right now.
She dialed Tom's number and he picked it up in the second ring.
"Hi, Lady Boss."
"Alex, Tom. Are you with Logan?"
"He is inside the conference room, Alex. He can't come right now. It is a big project and one of the contractors are still not giving a proposal and he needs to iron out all the details before starting the project on proposed date. So... Do you want me to tell him something?"
"Just ask him to eat his dinner. He seems to forget things like that when he is working." She said with a smile.
"Aw. My wife never calls me for things like that. Boss is a lucky man."
"Oh, shush. Bye Tom. Oh and you too, eat your dinner."
"Wow. Like really? How generous of you to add me at the end, kind lady. Bye. I am going to feed your husband. You owe me one."
"Yah, yah, bye." She hung up with a small smile as she walked to Logan's room, picked one of his shirt, wore it and went to bed. Everything smelled like Logan and her heart was heavy as she closed her eyes and inhaled in his scent.
She didn't sleep for a long, long time.
***
She woke up early in the morning and her eyes burnt from the lack of sleep, but she couldn't go back. The bed was still empty.
She took a shower and baked oat and banana muffins for breakfast and also made toasts for Logan. Then she found sanctuary inside the massive Library and tried to forget herself inside a book, but it wasn't easier like it would normally be. She closed her eyes and inhaled the calming smell of old paper and wood and cardboard. But her heart was still in turmoil.
When she realized she was still on the second page and it had already been an hour, she closed the book and put it back in its place before she walked out, switched on the TV and waited. Waited for Logan. It was already nine in the morning and he wasn't still here.
She spent time staring at the screen. It was exactly at eleven, the front door opened with a bang. She could feel his anger all the way from the door.
So what she feared had come true. The pictures, the damn pictures were already out.
God, don't they sleep? She thought. Stupid paparazzi.
"What the hell is this?" He threw it in front of her with a vicious scowl.
She stared at the glossy page in front of her. There she was, with Leo and her lips were on his and her hands were on his chest.
"I- this, this is nothing." She said, using the same word he used, but he didn't get it. "Logan, I- I was going to talk to you about this yesterday, I called Tom, but you were in a meeting." She said, trying to sound calm.
"Is that so? How convenient I wasn't here yesterday, huh?" Logan sounded sarcastic. "Is this why you are so eager to leave the party with Leo?" He asked with a sardonic smile.
"Logan, just hear me out." She said and he gritted his teeth.
He looked like he was going to punch someone or something. He looked furious. Enraged. His knuckle was white with how hard he pressed it together. She tried to grab his hand, but he pulled it away.
He kissed Stacie and I heard him out. She thought with a belligerent frown. I listened.
"Logan, just hear me out. Okay. I did."
"Oh, yes, you-you did. We are talking about Stacie, now, aren't we? I didn't kiss her long enough to get caught by a photographer. This isn't my face on the centre page, is it?" He said as he grabbed the magazine from her and waved it in front of her face.
"But you did kiss her and I heard you out. Why can't you extend the same courtesy to me, Logan?"
"Oh, I would have given you the same courtesy if you didn't look so cozy kissing him." He snarled the word out and she took a step back. "You know, I can almost understand this. I can understand that Leo is your backup plan. But you can not go around kissing him when we are still pretending to be a couple. You know, all these lies and plots, this contract, it is to keep my fucking reputation intact. And now it is obliterated. You did that. What does that say about me? What will they say when they see that my wife is going around kissing playboy rockstars behind my back? Huh?"
"Everything is always about them. And of course, your fucking reputation." She said as she grabbed the magazine back from him and threw it away. "Who are they, Logan? Are they your mom and dad and sisters? Are they your best friends? They are just spectators, Logan. But you always care about them. Not me. Never me and not the people who actually matters."
"Yes, I do care about my reputation, because it took me long enough to build one and come to where I am standing right now." He said with a frown. "So... How long this has been going on? Is this why he is picking you up everyday? Did you kiss him right after you kissed me?" He asked as he clenched his jaw and stared at her with anger in his eyes.
It felt like a kick. To her heart and love.
"God, are you really asking me that? Do you really believe that I will do that, Logan?"
"Yes, I am asking you and I don't know what to believe. Shit." He grunted. "I should have stopped you from working for Mathilda after seeing how you looked at Leo. And you told me that he would teach you how to make love. You did. And I- like a fool believed it was all said in anger." He looked at her as if she was his enemy.
That look, he had never given her that look. And it was like a block of ice, right on her heart, that was already breaking and bleeding. It stung. It hurt.
"You couldn't have stopped me from working for Mathilda, Logan. I am my own woman, remember?" She shook her head with a determined frown. "And I did say that, but you know I said it because I was angry. So this- this isn't about that, Logan. You know what- you are just saying all this to hurt me, to push me away and it is working. The contract is coming to an end and you almost feel guilty, guilty to send me away, don't you, Logan?"
"Just like you to twist it all out of context. You are just-" He stopped and glared above her head.
"Just like Stacie. Yeah?" She laughed. It sounded bitter even to herself.
"I wasn't going to say that."
"You are. But guess what, I don't care what you think. I did want to kiss Leo for a minute there, I did, just to run away from my problems, but I pushed him away, because I won't do that to him or you. Or myself. I am not that selfish."
Logan growled and punched the wall and hissed. She could see the scratch on his knuckles. She grabbed it, but he pulled it away with a wince as if her touch burned him.
"Do you need Nobel Prize for pushing him away --or maybe an Oscar, because you really are a great actress! What? Do you think telling me all this might absolve you?" His smile was wry.
"Don't do this, Logan. If we are going to say goodbye, let us say goodbye as friends. Best friends, that is what we are, no? Don't do this to us. Me." She looked at him, showing every emotion that was tumbling out of her, in her eyes. He didn't see. He couldn't. "And Leo is my friend, Logan."
"I am your friend, too, and you kissed me before. So I don't know what is stopping you from kissing him? After all, you just admitted that you wanted to kiss him."
"I did, Logan. I also said it was to run away from my problems. Why didn't you ask me what my problem is, Logan? Why can't you? You never care that I am hurting. YOU always come first."
"You are twisting this again, Alexandra."
"That was the only time he kissed me and you have to trust me, okay. I am not lying to you. I am so tired of fighting with you." She leaned against the couch as she closed her eyes.
"I am not trusting anyone. Nobody is worth it." He snapped at her.
"Not everyone out there is trying to screw you over, Logan. I know what happened to you, but I am just so tired of standing here in front of you and defending myself, over and over, when you have already ruled me out as guilty. What else can I say? I am not your mothe-"
"Beth is my mother. And she is amazing. Not like you or Barbara."
She winced. "Do you truly think I will do something like that? Look at me, Logan, look at me, just once and tell me."
He looked at her. His eyes were empty. Cold. She felt like she was standing in the freezing Arctic winter, naked.
Please, Logan. Don't do this to me. Don't.
But he couldn't hear her. Couldn't see how her heart is breaking.
He couldn't even look at her properly. She was guilty in his eyes and no matter what she did or said, he would not believe it. She was just like the woman who walked away with someone else and left him.
"I don't know, Alexandra." He said as his eyes flitted away from her, as if he couldn't bear to look at her face. As if she disgusted him, as if he hated her.
He didn't know how that one sentence was enough to break her completely.
She knew he knew. If he didn't, he would have called her Lex or Alex, not Alexandra.
And that was all the answer he could ever say to her.
"Okay." She nodded defeated. She lost this battle and she couldn't fight anymore. She was so damn tired.
"I really- I, you know according to the sub-clause of our contract, you can not be with anyone until the term of our marriage is over. I understand if you want to be with Leo after the contract is over, but this is unacceptable. You broke the contract, Alexandra. And I don't know..."
"Damn you and your contract. I said look at me, you idiot. Just look at me."
He did. He did look at her, like he had never seen her before, like she was an alien residing in his friend's body. And this look was way worse than not looking.
"I told you once. I am telling it to you again. It was one time, one time when I became momentarily insane and it was wrong --and unforgivable, but it was nothing to me. It was a foolish mistake. I won't do that to you, not over and over again as you so hellbent on believing. Even if it is not in the contract, okay? I won't break your trust and your friendship." And my love.
"Why?" He spat. "Why won't you? How do I know that?"
"I won't. I can't do that." Her voice shook. But he stood there, unmoved. Hard as stone. His grey eyes were like northern skies, blistering with coming hurricane. Ready to destroy and swallow everything.
"I am asking why, Alex?" His eyes bore in to her, stripping her off all her defenses.
Hurt swirled inside her. How could she tell him that without exposing every one of her weakness?
"I just won't. Please."
"Why?" He repeated.
"Why? Because I am in love with you, you bastard."
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Me: Bastard... Umm? That is not so romantic, Alex.
Alex: Shut the 🤬 up, you woman. I am ready to murder someone and if you don't stop, it is going to be you.
Me: *walking away towards Logan, who is standing at the far side of the kitchen* so? You didn't expect that, did you?
Logan: What the hell was that? Like a time bomb? How could she spring it on me just like that?
Me: So what do you think?
Logan: she is my-
Me: Friend. Yeah? *rolling 👀* oh, we all know that, idiot. Tata. Hope you don't mess up. Eh!!!
Me: Hello, dear readers, tell me what you think...
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