The next few days were a blur. But, I had gotten approval to go on tour with the boys. I was excited. As of right now, the boys were loading up the tour bus, and I was saying my goodbyes to Josh, Tyler, and Brendon.
"I will miss you," I hugged Josh tightly and kissed his cheek. He stood up straight with me still in his arms which made my feet dangle. I laughed into his neck. He was always my low key fav. Tyler was next. He gave me a fist bump which caused me to roll my eyes.
"I won't see you for a long time mom, give me a damn hug," I laughed and pulled him into a real hug. He sighed and hugged me back. I smiled and kissed his cheek softly before pulling away.
"I love you guys, and Brendon, I love you too. Just cause I haven't known you long doesn't mean you aren't apart of this small family," I hugged him. I sadly couldn't kiss his cheek because he was way taller than me. I pulled out of the hug, pushed his shoulder down to let him know I needed him to bend down. He did. I kissed his cheek and hugged him one last time.
He chuckled and hugged me tighter. I smiled. I will miss these boys. I sighed. Tour life starts now. Brendon released me from the hug.
"We have gifts for you before you go!!" Brendon screeched. He ran to the guest bedroom and ran out with a huge basket that was full of all my favorite candies, and three gifts. I started to cry. Brendon handed me the gifts. I grabbed the black gift bag first and opened it to reveal a card and a notebook and led pencils to write in. I opened the card and read it.
Hey baby girl,
You be safe on tour, you hear? I love you and I hope you have fun. You better message me everyday or post something on your insta. I want to know you're okay. If you need me, just text me okay? I want you to have fun.
-Josh
I cried and hugged him. He rubbed my back and kissed my temple.
"Open Tyler's," He released me and pointed to the bag that had glitter on the sides.
"You would," I laughed and gripped the blue, red, and purple tissue paper out of the bag to reveal a medium plushie that was a bunny, it was black with hazel beaded eyes.
"It's perfect, thank you," I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back which caused a smile to tug at my lips.
"Okay!! Okay!! Open mine!!!" Brendon squealed. I laughed. I saw a brown bag that was drawn on, it looked like Emerson had contributed to the bag's art. It had a small city with my name on a banner. I smiled. I pulled the white tissue paper out of the bag to reveal four comic books. I gasped and pulled them out.
I quickly pulled them out to see it was the Killjoy book, and the Umbrella Academy books. Each were signed by Gerard himself. I carefully placed the books into the bag and ran into Brendon's arms.
"It's time to go love," Remington called from the door.
"Take care of my house, yeah? Check up on it, please," I handed Brendon my actual key and grabbed my gifts before thanking all the boys, leaving the bags in the living room. They helped me grab everything and put it on my bunk. I was sleeping right across from Remington with Daniel on the top bunk above me, and Sebastian above Remington. Josh and Brendon dumped all my candy out of the basket and onto my bed, then Tyler came with the rest of my gifts.
"Thank you guys, I love you all," I hugged them all one last time before taking my place on my bed. The trio walked off the bus, and waved me goodbye. I waved goodbye to them until they were gone. The doors closed behind them. Everyone took their seats whether it be the bed, the passenger seat, the couches- everyone had a place to sit. I smiled as I looked at all the sour candy that laid on my bed. They also bought me some peace tea, Monster, and gummy bears. I smiled and grabbed my drinks. I placed them in the fridge which had names for everyone's shelf or drawer. I got a drawer. I was okay with it. I place all my drinks in there before turning around and heading for the living room.
All heads turned my way. In the room was Remington, Sebastian, and Daniel. On the Tv there was Batman, the cartoon, playing softly through the speakers. Sebastian was having his daily dose of Gin and Tonic, Remington was sipping on tea, and Daniel had a nice cold beer. Austin and Luis were somewhere in the bus. I shook my head and took my place next to my boyfriend on the couch. Boyfriend..I could get used to that.
I snuggled closer to him and smiled. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my temple. Daniel fake gagged which caused Sebastian to laugh and high-five him. I rolled my eyes and flipped them off while shaking my head, a small smile finding its way onto my lips. After a few moments of hanging with the boys, I decided to go back to the bunk and grab my notebook. I wanted a little bit of privacy.
I kissed Reminton's cheek and got up off the couch. I moved the black silk curtain that stood between me and my bed before climbing in, pressing the button that would make my bed light turn on, and the closed the curtain again. I opened my new pack of pencils and smiled. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and snapped a photo of all my gifts while tagging all the boys. Before posting it on instagram, automatically getting likes from the boys.
I pulled out my notebook and began to just write out song lyrics. My soul kind of resonated with lyrics and music. I also decided to add a drawing in the middle of the page and let the lyrics dance around it. I peeked my head out of my curtains and looked towards Emerson who was sitting on the floor outside of his bunk. The sudden movement cause his head to perk up from his drawing, he offered me a kind smile.
"Hey Em, do you have any colored markers or pencils I can use?" I blushed, embarrassed for asking.
"Yeah!" He perked up and grabbed his bag running to me. He joined me in the bed and we swapped art analyzing the papers in front of us. His was a little city and the words Lost Again laid in the bottom- middle of the paper. It had two staircases leading up the sides. It reminded me of the gift bag that I left in my living room.
"This is beautiful," I gushed.
"Your art is raw emotion, are you okay?" He asked. My drawing had a Panic! Quote that says Cause these words are knives that often leave scars with a knife plunged into a girls wrist and scars littered around her arm while blood trailed off her writs, towards the end of the page. I sighed. In all honesty, I wasn't. My heart hurt. It wasn't anything anyone had said. I was just going through some stuff. Memories to be exact. I was thinking of my ex. I was scared to fuck up my relationship with Remington, and I was hurt by everything that had been said about me throughout the years.
"Can I be honest?" I asked.
"Of course," He rubbed my back.
"I have a story to tell, so get comfortable," I sighed. He nodded his head and pushed himself up against the wall preparing to give me his full attention.
"I have had one boyfriend in all my years of growing up. We dated for five years before he cheated on me. But I still stayed with him. He came to my house and cried, begging me to come back to him saying it was a drunken mistake. So I forgave him. Then he did it again, same thing and same excuse. So I told him I didn't want him back. He used suicide as his leverage over me. He told me that if I didn't stay with him, he would kill himself," I began to get misty eyed.
"It's okay, what else happened?" Emerson wiped my tears that had began to trail down my cheeks.
"He-he...he raped me one night and told me that if I ever told anyone he would kill me...I'm ready for death now I guess," I let out a shaky breath and continued,"He was the main reason I wanted to kill myself, he was the reason I used to self harm. One time I had waited till he left me alone and tried to hang myself. He came home. He rushed me to the hospital and as soon as I was released, he raped, hit, slapped, punched, kicked- he did everything that he could to hurt me." I bit my lip.
"I am so sorry," Emerson hugged me tightly. I cried even harder.
"He used to call me his little whore. Or he would just call me really offensive terms." I explained now getting into my drawing,"His words have left scars that I still can't get over. I am so hurt. But to myself, I will never be good enough. I'm a mess. I'm a loser. I'm a hater. I'm a user. Because were things I was told on a daily basis. I was fat. I was never enough for him. I was never going to be enough."
"You are so skinny, love. You are perfect in each and every way. I bet you Remington would agree. He doesn't just love anyone. Jessica doesn't count. I really don't know what happened there." Emerson smiled and kissed my cheek. I continued to cry and just nodded.
"The scars run deep, but they're just memories. No need to let them control you," He rubbed my back. He was right, but I didn't really care right now.
"Here, lay down," Emerson laid me down, moving all of our art work in the process. I wiped my eyes and laid my head on my pillow. He handed me my new bunny, and was about to walk back to his bunk, but I stopped him.
"Please stay," I pleaded, it almost coming out as a whisper. He nodded his head, ran to his bunk and placed all our junk on there before removing his hat, and placing himself behind me.
"Thank you for everything," I whispered as he turned off the lights and closed the curtain.
"Anytime my dear," he wrapped his arm protectively around me before we both fell asleep.