The picture above absolutely kills me
This is when he's thinking
This is when he's writing
~Sirius POV~
"HEY! COULD ANYONE GUESS THAT SIRIUS BLACK IS A FAGGOT?" some Ravenclaw girl, Victoria Chang, shouts. She knows this information because she tried to kiss me and I told her I wasn't interested, then she just guessed that Im gay. Which I am.
I freeze and look down at my plate, a scarlet blush creeping to my neck. My friends look at me for a moment before going back to their lunch. I hear slurs and whispering coming from the other tables, and choose to ignore it.
When I'm finished with my food I grab my bag and walk out of the great hall, never uttering a word.
I walk to the astronomy tower to think. Climbing up on the roof, I feel the cool breeze hit me and I smile, basking in the feeling. Temporarily forgetting the situation that I'm in. I climb up and sit down, bringing one knee to my chest and putting my arms around it.
What if reg tells mother? No, he wouldn't. What if Snape? Or Malfoy? Tells my mother. Someway or another.. She'll find out within a weeks time. Merlin, I'm so stupid. I should've just let her kiss me. No! That's not who I am. Sirius Black doesn't lie. I believe in what I believe in. But... What if my friends don't accept me? Or worse.... Moony. The adorable werewolf that I have fallen in love with. What if he hates me now?
A tear glides down my face at the thought of the werewolf.
I can't lose him.. I need him, if he's my boyfriend or my best friend.. I just can't make it without him.
More tears slip from my eyes. I bring my other knee to my chest and lay my forehead against them, letting out my tears. Soft sobs wracking my body.
I wasn't ready yet... I was going to come out eventually... I just wasn't reasy for this yet. I'll hear so many slurs and get tortured so much worse at home.. The Slytherin boys already heckle me enough... This just gives them all the more reason to. A Black in gryffindor... And he's a fag. I can see it in the headlines now. The whole school already knows, my parents will be next. What am I going to do? What's reg going to think? Where's my damn gryffindor courage? I can't even find enough to face my friends right now.... Can't find enough to hear what they think of me now that they know my little secret.
I calm down a bit and grab a notebook out of my bag labeled 'Thoughts'
Well, a stupid Raven outed me in front of the whole school. I'm terrified of what the other marauders will think... What if they don't want to hang out with me anymore? They're the best thing that ever happened to me. Especially Remus... I'm so scared to find out what he thinks of me.... I'll love him either way. If he loves me or if he hates me. Although I would prefer the first option. What if reg hates me! The only person on my side at home. My parents will know within a weeks time. I'm utterly fucked.
"Siri?" I hear my name being called and I quickly shut my journal, looking at the window. The voice calls my name again and I identify it as my brother Regulus.
"Reg?" I call out. He crawls through the window and crawls over to me, slinging an arm around my shoulders.
"I love you, you know" Regulus mumbles. I lay my head on his shoulder and sigh.
"Love you to, not so little brother" I realize that my journal is still in my lap. He snatches it up.
"Regulus" I hiss. "Give it back reg"
"I don't think so.." He opens the book.
"Reg I only write in it when I'm at home or when I'm sad. Come on!" I sigh and cave in, looking at which entrys he's reading.
I hate home. Home hates me too. My family doest care, well accept for reg. This isn't home. Hogwarts is home.
Well, Ive come to terms with it. I'm in love with Remus. Damn.
James is a shithead... He turned my hair blue!
He gets to the entry I just wrote and looks at me, tears in his eyes.
"Damn... Just.. Damn Sirius how could you think that?"
"I can't control the thoughts that go through my head reg" He gives me back my book and I shove it into my bag. He puts his arm back around me.
"I don't hate you, by the way. I could never. You're my big brother. I love you, and nothing will ever change that" I lay my head back on his shoulder.
"Mother is actually going to kill me"
"No, she won't. Just fucking behave for once in your life"
"Reg, I do fucking behave. She just hates me because I'm different from her and father"
"True enough. Sirius I have to go but if you need me, just ask okay? I don't mind if my friends see you. I'm honored to be Sirius blacks little brother." I ruffle his hair.
"I know reg. I'm honored to be Regulus Blacks older brother. Now go find your friends, I'll be okay"
"I love you"
"I love you too reg and if James Peter or Remus ask you where I am tell them I'll talk to them when I'm ready. Tell them I'm fine"
"Okay Siri" He crawls off and through the window. I feel a bit more at ease, but still scared.
I sit up there for about fifteen more minutes before finally climbing down. I sling my bag over my shoulder and keep my head down walking through the halls. I hear whispers and a few slurs, but I still ignore them.
When I make it to the dorms, James is tossing his snitch up and catching it, Remus is reading a book upside down?, also biting his lip. He must be worried. And Peter is playing chess by himself.
The first person out of their bed is remus. He basically sprints to me, tackling me into a bear or should I say, wolf hug. I hug him back. He pulls away and I have a trace of a smile on my face.
"You just about killed me" I joke.
"Me kill you? Do you know how damn worried I was?"
"He wouldn't stop freaking out pads." James pipes up. Remus blushes light pink.
"Erm not true... Anyway.. Where the hell did you go?!"
"The astronomy tower"
"Reg wouldn't tell us. He just said 'he's fine, just give him some time'" Remus rants. I lay a hand on his shoulder.
"I told him to re, I wasn't ready to talk yet"
"Why didn't you want to talk to us? You left without a word"
"When I'm sad, angry, or just plain scared... I kinda turn introverted. I don't talk. Like at all" Remus hugs me again, gentler this time.
"I'm gay too Siri, you're not alone" He whispers. When he pulls away I just stare at him in shock.
"Wow, plot twist" I whisper. We walk to his bed. He sits down and I sit next to him, laying my head in his lap. It's not weird, we do this a lot. He looks down at me questioningly.
"What?" I ask.
"Why we're you scared?" He asks. I sigh.
"Insecurities" He runs one of his hands through my hair and I smile softly, a small blush on my cheeks.
"Oh my Merlin. Did the great Sirius Black just blush?" Remus teases. I hide my face behind my hands.
"N-no!" I stutter. Remus burst out laughing.
"That was amazing" I sit up and move so I'm sitting next to him. He puts an arm around my shoulders, same as reg did. I lean into him slightly, making sure it's not weird.
"Sirius, come on" He stands up and pulls me up. I look at him weird
"What?"
"Sirius come on. Don't you trust me?" I grab my bag and we walk out the door, but before we do James decides to shout
"USE PROTECTION!" I blush scarlet and so does Remus. I close the door with a bang and we walk downstairs.
We walk out to the marauder tree, overlooking the black lake in all of its beauty. I sit down and Remus lays his head in my lap.
"Why did you want to come out here?"
"I.. I need to tell you something Siri, and I really don't want it to change anything... If you're uncomfortable just tell me okay?" I nod my head. He takes a deep breath and begins speaking, looking me right in the eye.
"When that ravenclaw girl shouted that slur this morning I wanted to take her by her hair and knock her into next week. I heard more slurs and I know you heard them too. I wanted to do that because.... I- I love you.. And hearing people say those things about you... Well.. It pushed my buttons. I'm planning on coming out tomorrow. At least we can be teased together."
"Remus, Remus, Remus, hang on a second. And don't you dare fucking run. I know how you are when you're scared." Remus nods, his bottom lip between his teeth. I grab my journal and flip to the page I'm looking for, one of my favorite entries.
I love Remus, more than anything.
His eyes sparkle like the stars, the color of honey. His smile could make a prince cry. His personality is one of a kind, the sarcasm mixed with the perfect amount of love and care.
He always knows when I need to talk, or just need someone there. I can tell these things about him as well.
He is also very brave, the hat was right when it put him in Gryffindor. He turns into a monster every month, yet has the energy to love, to care. He is so loyal. You try to hurt someone he loves, you better fucking run. And you can't get away from him with those long damn legs.
I know he hates his scars, I can hear him cry at night. But in my opinion, they just show how brave he is. I think they are beautiful. Just like he is. And he's more than a pretty face. He's so kind, and loving.
There's only one thing wrong.
He isn't mine.
Remus smiles and I take the book back.
"3 things. 1. Awww you adorable romantic 2. When did you write this? And 3. You have a diary?"
"About a year and a half ago and it's not a diary, it's a journal and you try spending 3 months locked in your room with just your thoughts"
"True enough. And damn Siri, I've been in love with you since 3rd year!"
"Same Re, same" I run my fingers through his hair and smile down at him. He smiles and places one hand on my cheek. I nuzzle his hand and hum.
"You know, you're the only one aloud to call me re?"
"No, I didn't know that" I tell him. He bites his bottom lip again. I look at him with a questioning gaze.
"Be my boyfriend?" He asks. I smile from ear to ear.
"Hmm.. I dunno... Of course you git I love you!" I lean down to kiss his forehead, but he moves and places his lips on mine.
"Sneaky bastard" I mumble into the kiss. We break apart and he smiles shyly.
"Merlin, you're adorable" I cup his cheek in my palm, gently stroking it with my thumb. He leans in my my hand and I smile.
"My mother is going to have my head" I mumble
"Not if I can help it, you wrote it yourself. She'll have to fucking run. I fuckin kill her"
I chuckle at him.
"I know you would Re, I know you would"
~The next morning on the way to breakfast~
~Still Sirius POV~
"Faggot" I hear someone hiss. I keep my head down, not wanting to know who it is. Remus is walking beside me, he's planning on coming out in a few minutes and this probably isn't helping his nerves. I just want to hold his hand and kiss him, telling him it's alright.
"Don't freak out babe" I mumble under my breath "It doesn't bother me"
"Fine" He mumbles back. I can tell he's fighting the urge to reassure me that everything's okay and put an arm around me.
We get to the great hall, across from James and Peter. Then the morning mail comes. I see my mother's owl. Carrying a howler.
"Fuck" I hiss under my breath. The owl drops the scarlet envelope and I give it a piece of bacon before it flies off. I grab my boyfriends hand and open the letter, bracing myself for the worst.
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE TO THE HOUSE OF BLACK! YOU ARE LUCKY WE DON'T DISOWN YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW YOU FAGGOT! WHEN YOU GET HOME YOUR LIFE WILL BE HELL, BOY. oh, and Regulus if you would thank Severus for informing me that my other son is a fag, that would be great."
Remus looks like he's about to explode. Lily, James' girlfriend, has tear tracks down her face. She gets up and walks across the Hall to the Slytherin table, particularly Severus Snape.
"You BASTARD!" she shouts, slapping him across the face. She walk out of the hall, wiping her eyes. James looks at me.
"Go, I'm fine" I look at the Slytherin table, searching for my little brother. I spot him, he has his hand over his mouth and tear tracks down his face.
"Wait a second" Remus mumbles. All eyes are in us. He turns to me and kisses me softly. We break apart and I hear a few slurs, gasps, and nice comments. Regulus' eyes light up. I smile lightly at him. I get to and walk out of the Hall, Remus right behind me and I can tell Regulus is soon after. Remus catches up to me and intertwines our hands.
"I love you"
"I live you too re, I'm proud of you for doing that"
"I wouldn't have if that hadn't happened to you yesterday."
I sit down underneath the marauder tree and Remus lays down, his head in my lap. Regulus come walking up to us. He sits down next to me.
"I couldn't get him to stop Siri, I'm so sorry"
"If you're blaming yourself for that, don't. Snape has been out to get me since he met me. None of that was your fault. Our mother is a snake. No offense."
"None taken, I agree with you" I put an arm around him.
"I love you, little brother"
"I'm not little Siri, I'm 14"
"You'll always be my baby brother reg, no matter how old we get" He lays his head on my shoulder.
"Wow, my two favorite boys in the world. Perfect" I whisper, one hand in my boyfriends hair, the other around my little brother.