July 2007
Bayhollow, Ontario
I have always longed to test boundaries. I hoped to distance myself from anyone who truly cared. Deep in my heart I wanted to find a familiarity in the past that was no longer there.
I visited my cousin, Brandy and a mutual girl friend, Danny. I made a plan to visit with Joseph. It had been two years since I had spoken to him but I hoped he would be of some comfort. I was desperate for attention and despite Patrick's attempts it wasn't enough. I called Joseph's girlfriend, from Brandy's house.
"I work with Joseph. I just need his address to drop something off after work." I lied and smiled at my cousin and our friend.
She gave me his address and never questioned my reason. I was feeling good, I had a plan and it was going to work. Patrick dropped me off at Danny's the next night and I hung out for a bit before I made my way to Joseph's address. The night sky was blanketed with dark clouds that could have been foreshadowing if I had known any better at the time.
I got to his house but no one was home. I waited in the shed for his return. He worked for a cleaning service so he wouldn't be home until after one or two in the morning. I kept myself warm and busy by moving around and thinking about what I would say. The rain began to pour down and warmth was impossible to find.
When he arrived, I realized the mistake I had made. He had roommates that I had known in high school and I was just a burden that had washed up on his door step. A soaking wet tornado of wrecked emotion that had spun itself to his front door.
We sat and talked for a while. He was back with his ex and they were happy. I was a toxic being that would destroy his chance at a successful relationship. When we finished our conversation I could see that more clearly then I had ever seen anything before. The torrential downpour was still taking place just outside their door. He offered to let me stay but I couldn't. I was unwelcome, as always, and lost in a mind numbing daze.
I walked down the street like I had a place to be. As if there was something I needed to do. Every house I passed I looked into wondering if anyone was awake and had seen me, would they care? Would they wonder about the teenager stalking the streets?
I walked for a few blocks before I reached a house I knew would be understanding. I knocked on the door of a woman who I had went to church with before and during a tiny window of my pregnancy. It was around three in the morning and after a few knocks she answered.
She was a lovely woman who always had a smile on her face and was a great enthusiast for hugs. Her and her daughter, who I was in a dance group with, gave me dry clothing to sleep in and dried my clothes in the drier. They offered me a warm drink to heat me up. They set up a bed on the couch and I slept the rest of the night.
In the morning I called Patrick and he picked me up. I explained what happened and he wasn't upset. He knew I was messed up, he anticipated stunts like that. He accepted that I would always be searching for something, regardless of how much I already had. That had been in my nature from the moment we met.