Maybe I will stay and fight. Maybe I can take another round of heart breaks. Or maybe I am just masochistic. - Alexandra.
~~~
31. Goodbyes and new beginnings
(Logan)
Later that night, Logan was sitting in the couch and staring at the book --he didn't even know what the book was about-- thinking about Alex, of course, he couldn't stop thinking about her or what she said, when someone pounded on Logan's door. Like their life depended on it.
He looked at the clock with a moody scowl and realized it was over ten. He threw the book on the table and stood up with a frown. "Coming. But just so you know, it is almost eleven, Daniel."
He opened the door and came face to face with Eliza and Emma.
"Daniel called you? Fucking Dan. He should mind his own damn business." Logan cursed as his sisters pushed him away and walked inside.
"Nobody called us. We saw this. What the hell is this?" Emma waved the damn thing at him. It was freaking everywhere. It was haunting him, the damn picture.
"That is Leo kissing Alexandra." Logan said with a frown.
"And why do you look so stoic? And miserable. Alex kissed him back?" Emma asked with a scowl.
"She wouldn't have. If she did, it would be because she wanted to know how it feels like. We all wondered that, didn't we?" Eliza smirked. "Leo is hot, so..." She winked, looking all so cheery. It irritated Logan, that it was all so amusing for her. It wasn't amusing for him.
This isn't freaking funny.
"How can you say that?" Emma glared at her twin. "Alex cheated on him or at least close."
"It is not cheating. It is like you kissing Johnny Depp or Tom Cruise. It doesn't totally fall in that category. Mark wouldn't get angry if you do that." Eliza smiled. "And also, I trust Alex. She wouldn't do something like that. She would not even kiss Brad Pitt back. That girl is so in love with Logan that she can't even turn away from him when he was there. So..."
"Yeah, you are right. She does love this dumb head." Emma agreed.
"You know?" Logan asked with urgency in his voice. "How do you?"
Eliza scoffed. "We all know. I mean, you do and that is obviously why you married her." She rolled her eyes at him.
"I don't know. I married her, because-" He stopped halfway.
Emma and Eliza rolled their eyes in sync and tched.
"So what Dan told is the truth. "
"You said he didn't call you. That-"
"He is worried about you, worried about how you would mess this up. So of course, he called. But you can't blame him. And also, he told us that you met Barbara. Why didn't you tell us?" Emma asked as she sat down and patted the seat next to her.
"I don't want to-"
"Logan, you might be 27 years and a business magnate or whatever, but you are still our little brother."
"I know."
"So we want to know when something is bothering you. Ok. We don't want you to coddle us or protect us." Emma said as she leaned against his shoulder. "So does she still look beautiful?"
"No, she is all wrinkly and sad and she can't hold a candle next to Beth."
"I wish I can bring her to our home and show her what she missed out on, not to spite her or anything, just to show her we are happy without her. We are, Logan. What she did to us, it hurt, of course, but it made our family better. Because Beth is our mom, she is the one who keeps us together, stronger, and she is the one who made us into what we are today. We would have turned out to be good for nothings if Barbara had stayed, and look at us, now. " Eliza said with a wistful smile on her face.
"So Barbara, she did us good. You just need to forget her, you just need to remember Beth. Just remember Beth. You can't allow Barbara to spoil a good thing in your life." Emma said.
"I know all this, but I still can't-"
"It is okay Logan. Take your time, but don't take too much."
"You don't want to miss out on Alex. She is amazing."
"She is amazing, I know and she is my friend." Logan said and Emma winced.
"Yes, and she kissed Leo. So..." Emma shrugged.
To Logan, it almost felt like his sisters were play-acting. Like the good cop, bad cop thing. Or something.
"But this is a fake marriage, yeah?" Eliza asked.
"Umm, yes." Logan said.
"So even if she kissed Leo--"
"No El, she still shouldn't have kissed Leo." Emma argued.
"She didn't." Eliza defended.
"She did. She said she did." Logan grunted with scowl. His sisters watched with amusement as he bared his teeth. "The first minute was shock, but then, she said she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to kiss him, dammit. So she did kiss him."
Why the hell did Alex tell that to me?
"It is so wrong." Emma frowned.
"Nah, A girl is gotta have some fun, you know? I mean, after all that you said about the contract and fake marriage, I don't blame Alex even if she kissed him. You said this is all pretending, so you shouldn't blame her, either." Eliza wrinkled her nose. "I mean, did you really give her a damn contract? God, Logan. I am almost ashamed to call you my brother."
"Fun, yeah? Alright. She can have all the fun she wants to have after this damn contract is over." Logan said in a growl. "And it is already too late. You guys need to go." Logan looked at his sisters and his watch.
They had a creepy, twin look on their faces as they shook their head, almost in unison.
"Nah, we are staying." Eliza said with a smile, that made Logan feel scared. It was that smile, the one El had whenever she was about to bring some trouble.
"No, you are going. You have families, you have kids you need to take care of."
"Nah, they are having sleepover. Deke and Mark agreed to look after them. It is fine."
"I don't need baby-sitters." Logan narrowed his eyes at them.
"We just want to have some time to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?" Emma gave him a pout. "We are overworked. We are tired. We just want to relax, in our baby brother's comfy, foamy mattresses. Is that too much to ask?"
Logan shook his head. "Not too much at all. Go on." He said, giving in. "But don't bother Alex."
"We are not going to bother her. At least not tonight."
"What do you mean?" He grumbled.
"Don't worry about that lil brother." Eliza smirked as she walked away.
Emma gave a pat to his head. "Sleep tight, oh, wait, slash it. You are not getting any sleep tonight. Poor baby." She followed her twin, leaving Logan staring at her back.
He sat back down, pulled the book open, though he knew he wasn't going to read one damn page, but like Emma said, he wasn't getting any sleep either.
So...
***
(Alexandra)
Alex had a plan. She would write a letter to him and say goodbye. And then she would walk away. And she sat through the night and finished writing the letter.
Running away. Like a coward. The voice dissed. She ignored it.
She didn't want to stay here anymore. She didn't want to feel this pressure in her heart and head. She just want to stop feeling, stop being so pathetic.
She rubbed her eyes as she stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy and she looked like a raccoon. Not the cute ones, either. And she smelled like the ugly raccoon peed down her hair and dress. Eww.
She walked to the shower and scrubbed and scrubbed until all the black lines on her cheek was gone. Then she took an hour to wash herself and when she got out, she felt like she could finally be herself. Finally smell like herself.
She was planning to sneak around, but she decided against it. If this was the last day, she wanted to look at him. She wanted to talk with him.
For one last time.
She grabbed a sweat shirt from her packed bags and pulled her hair in a bun before she walked out. Logan was reading a newspaper and he looked startled when he saw her. He gave her a half nod, a half wave and she returned it back.
"Coffee?" He asked as he lifted the carafe next to him and waved it at her.
"Yeah, thanks."
"So are we going to talk about it?"
"About what?" Alex asked as she took a sip of her coffee and winced. It was so bitter. She added four spoons of sugar and enough cream to drown it before she took another sip. It got better.
"You are going to pretend that everything is alright?" He asked.
"No. I am not going to pretend that. Nothing is alright. We are not going back. I will leave as soon as possible."
"I'm sorry, you know. You can stay, you don't need to-"
"Oh, please. Don't do this again. I am not ready to go at it again. Okay. I am leaving. Our contract is done. You don't have to pay me anything except to Michael. And that is that. There is nothing more to talk about that." She said before she grabbed the paper away from him.
"I am still reading it."
"Yeah, you can read it later." She said as she gulped the remaining coffee down. "And you make bitter coffee, like you." She wrinkled her nose.
"So you are going to be a brat about this!"
"Oh, I have the right to be. What, do you have any objections?" She smirked as she walked away and she could hear him muttering something that sounded like brat.
She smiled as she closed the door and then her smile fell.
She sat down and waited for him to go away. Exactly ten minutes later, she could hear his car start. To make sure he really left, she walked to the windows and stole a glance. It was him. Alright.
Then she pulled her ring out and put it in the box. She folded the letter and put it under the box.
She grabbed her bag and walked out of her room. No, it wasn't her room. His room. His house.
She was just a guest here.
A friendly guest.
She didn't hesitate or look back. She was afraid that she would stay if she looked back. That she would accept to his term and just stay.
She couldn't.
She opened the front door.
"Well, well, look what the cat dragged out."
She gasped and stopped on her way.
"What? Why are you stopping? Go on." Emma said with a frown.
"What are you two doing here?"
"We know you are going to try to run away. And so we stayed." Eliza said as she put her hands on her hips and stared Alex down.
"I am not running away." Alex gave in with a sigh.
"So why did you wait until you heard Logan drive away? God, Alex, I never thought you are such a coward." El said as she grabbed the bag from Alex's hand.
"You guys, you don't know the half of it and I don't-I can't explain anything, but I really need to go."
"Go where?" Emma asked as she grabbed the other bag.
"I don't know."
"Lookie here, she doesn't know where she is running away."
"I am not running away, El. I told you. This isn't -"
"Yeah. This isn't normal or anything close to it. We know all about the fake marriage and contract and whatever." Eliza said as she walked in and Emma pushed Alex back inside the door before she slammed the door shut.
"You know? How?"
"Yeah, we know. Logan said something to Dan. Yes, this isn't normal, but you are already here in this abnormality. So you can't get to cut him off now and freaking run. You know it will mess him up. You have to stay and fight."
"About the fake marriage, I did really want to tell you guys, but Logan-"
"It is okay. We don't blame you. Okay, that is not true. We do blame you, but not by much." Eliza shrugged. "You are loyal to Logan."
"So where is your loyalty now? You are going to leave him, without saying goodbye." Emma frowned. "And you kissed damn Leo. It is-"
"I can't say goodbye." Alex shook her head. "And Leo, it is a mistake. I was trying to forget Logan, trying to prove to myself that I can get past this inevitable heartbreak, and I lost it. I am not perfect and I made a mistake and-"
"Emma, stop blaming her. And Alex, you don't have to explain it to us. I mean, Logan is an idiot and I know how much you love him, even though he is an idiot. But you kissing Leo, it did hurt him."
"Because of the contract. Because his reputation is ruined or whatever."
"Yeah? Is that what he said? And you trusted him?"
"Of course." Alex shrugged. "He said that."
"You are not as smart as I thought you were." Emma shook her head. "The contract is nothing, Alex. Nothing. It hurt him because he cares. He loves."
"No, he called me his freaking best friend. He is always calling me that. What love. Psh!" Alex scoffed as she slumped down the couch and the two women followed.
"Alex, Logan is hurt and angry, because he loves you. Not as a damn friend. He is in love with you and he is too stupid to realize that he is already in love and he is refusing it to you and himself. And you are going to give up, just like that?"
"I didn't want to give up, but he looked at me and said I am sorry when I told him I love him. He said sorry, you know? So what the hell am I supposed to do? It freaking hurts. It still does. I can't bear to look at him and pretend to be alright. I tried that this morning and it hurt like hell. I need to get away."
"What you need is to stay and fight for him. Don't you want to fight for him? What if you win? Don't you want to find out?"
"I don't know."
"If you run away now, you will forever be wondering, Alex."
"No, I won't. Because it is your words against his and his words are rather easy to understand. His words aren't confusing. It is rather straightforward. He said no. He did not love me. So why do I have to stay and fight for something imaginary and put myself through that kind of agony? Give me one good reason."
"Because you love him. That is reason enough. And because we can promise that Logan is in denial. He will come to his senses, but you need to stay and see that he does." Eliza grabbed Alex's hand. "I promise you, Alex, you won't regret staying."
Alex nodded with hesitation.
"And what is this?" Emma waved at the letter Alex had given so much time to write.
"Oh, it is almost too sad, but..." Eliza smiled. "Oh, and sorry for reading, we can't help it."
"Is it cheesy? Oh, it is. God. It is so cheesy."
"Yes, a little bit."
"Oh, I wanna puke. I hate your brother." Alex said as she grabbed the letter from Emma's hand and scanned the lines and winced. It went like this.
~~~
Dear Logan,
You know, they talk about a kind of love that is forever be. Yet can never be. Mine is one such kind. I will always remember you, but we will never meet again, if I have a say in that.
I wasn't willing to love you with an expiry date. So I tried. I really did.
But I am helpless. I can't not fall for you.
It is destined to happen, just as it is fated to end.
So I didn't try to escape it, I embraced it. Enjoyed it. I didn't challenge anything, not fate or you, I just chose to love through it all. But it is almost too much for me now. So I think it is about time I said goodbye. Goodbye Logan.
And also, thanks. For the memories and for this first love. They say first love is supposed to come too young. It came to me way later. They are wrong. They also say first love fades away. I am hoping they aren't wrong about that.
-Alex.
~
~~
Eww. Eww. Just eww.
"Nah, you love him, and this is all cute and heart-touching and poetic, but Logan doesn't want this. Logan wants A shock. A big, big shock."
"God, I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this. I wasn't even drunk."
"You are drunk from love." Eliza smirked. "But as Em said, Logan needs A shock. A heart attack kinda shock." Eliza smirked evilly.
"If me kissing Leo wasn't shock enough- nothing is." Alex shook her head, looking dejected.
"You dating Leo will be."
"I am not going there, El. That is not fair to Leo, as well. I can't ask him to help me to get Logan jealous. I mean, I can't use his feelings."
"You are right. So Leo won't work. But maybe somebody, somebody who will not love you or fall for you."
"Daniel?" Emma suggested.
"Won't do. Logan would never trust that." Alex said. "Dan is kinda like an annoying big brother to me. And Logan knows."
"Then we will find someone else."
"I don't think it is going to work out. I rather think walking away is the sensible option here."
"Alexandra Annie Steele, you aren't sensible. If you are, you would never have agreed to this God forsaken plan in the first place. So... We know this is going to work. Do you want to know how Emma got Mark in the first place. Deke and I were so in love, but Markus, he never looked at Emma like that, even though Emma practically attached herself to him every chance she got, until one day Emma stopped mooning over him and got herself a brand new boyfriend. "
"And tada, we are married and have two kids." Emma laughed as she pushed her blonde locks behind her ears, looking so self-satisfied. "So trust me, this is a foolproof plan."
This is stupid, Alex thought.
"It worked for Emma, but I don't think it will work for me. Logan isn't in doubt or wavering. You should have seen how bewildered he was when I said that." Alex said doubtfully. "He was shocked and guilty. Nothing more."
"Trust me when I say this, Alex. All men are the same. They are all about friends with benefit and no strings attached when they are with you, but then when you want to break those strings that aren't even there in the first place, they have all this sense of possessiveness and what not. It is messed up, of course, but it is almost true."
"In some cases. But not every time. Logan is not like that. He is- he doesn't love me." Alex said with a frown. She was beginning to doubt it more and more as she was talking with Emma and Eliza, and it felt like she was trying to grasp at the straws. That was so wrong.
She couldn't hope again. To get crushed again. She had had enough of that to last a lifetime and some.
"So, what if it failed? At least you would have tried."
"Yeah, not your heart that gets a beating. The second time."
"We will come up with something else. A new plan. But Alex, you are not running away. We know Logan. You do, too. He is in love with you and he is an idiot about all of this, because Barbara messed him up a little too much than she did us. We always thought Logan was alright, but apparently he isn't, right now. But we need to make sure he will be and only you can help us make sure of that." Emma squeezed Alex's palm. "You want to help him, right?"
"Of course. I do, but-"
"I know we almost sound selfish, but we are not. We care about you and you are like our sister and we don't want to let you go, either." Eliza said as she hugged Alex.
"I do want to fight for him and all that, but it hurts, it hurts when he avoids looking at me because he is guilty or when he looks at me with pity. It hurts right here." Alex rubbed her chest with a frown.
"I know, darling. I know. But I promise it will go away."
"What if you guys are wrong?" Alex asked, her brows wrinkled in worry. She didn't want them to be wrong, she hoped, prayed they were right. But she was also afraid to hope or pray.
"Then we will owe you forever. But I am almost sure we aren't wrong. Just close your eyes and tell me what you think. Don't overthink. Just tell us what your gut says." Emma said.
"My gut says- I don't know."
"It is alright, Alex." Eliza said with a small reassuring smile. "Okay. Now pick your bags and let us get going. You are staying with me."
"But you just said I am not running away." Alex asked with a confused look.
These women were confusing.
"Of course, you are not running away. But Logan needs his first dose of shock treatment. And you are not running away, you are staying with me and Logan will know you are, he will see you during family lunches and all and he will freak out. God, I am already enjoying this." El smirked.
"You are evil."
"That I am." El smirked.
"And write him a note, but something that makes him a little bit crazy. Be indifferent, be casual and be friendly, like really, really friendly."
"How confusing?" Alex furrowed her brows as she looked at the twin troubles in front of her.
"Very confusing."
Alex grabbed the sticky notes they usually used to scribble back and forth and started writing.
"Is this okay?"
"It is exactly what he needs. You are A genius." Eliza said as she glued it to the refrigerator.
"Let the fun begin."
___
Me: Ooh, what if they are wrong.
Alex: I am worried about it, but I do want to try.
Me: Good luck, then.
Alex: Do you think he loves me and in denial like Emma and Eliza is telling me?
Emma: Everyone knows. Even the readers. You can ask them.
Eliza: Yeah, ask them, right now. They will tell you, Alex.
Alex: Is that true? Can I trust these women?
Readers: Oh, yeah, you can trust them. And we know. He is so in denial. *rolls 👀* we all know about that. Except you and Logan, of course. You two are totally A pair. One of a kind pair. Ugh!
Me: Yup.
___
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