"We need to talk about all this." I look down at my hands, nervous about the words about to spill, but they are much needed.
"Okay." Ethan says in all seriousness, leaning back in his chair with a clamp of his hands.
"You know I can't leave this place. Right? You know that I probably won't ever be able to leave." The words come to me in a wrong way, as if they were to spill from someone else's mouth, not mine. I watch as the glow of Ethan's eyes fade. He brows slowing pulling together. Seeing his cheery mood drop hurts my heart.
"You can still fight this Vic, you can get better." In his very words, I can feel the doubt, the pain. All I can do is take a deep breath and look away from him for a moment, ashamed that I can't even look him in the eye. But I wasn't the one to give him false hope, for false hope is only a painful death sentence. It must've been the doctors, the nurses. How could they? They should've told him about how severe my illness truly is.
I turn my head back to him, ready to tell him that my case is terminal and the tumor is growing too aggressively for me to fight it off. But one look into those sweet eyes and my stone cold exterior melts. I can't tell him that. So, I let silence be my response, and for now that is the best response I can give him.
"Vic, tell me that you can fight this." He pleads. I look him in the eye and smile. I can't lie to him, but I refuse to tell him the truth.
"You're going to be okay." I promise, my smile holding back all the pain and guilt I feel for what is going to happen when I'm gone. "That isn't important right now. You need to be happy." I smile with my teeth, pushing all the negativity into a deep pit in the back of my mind.
"No, you need to be happy." He says, returning the toothy grin. As if scripted to ruin the moment, the door clicks open to reveal my mother. Ethan turns to look at her. "I'll give you guys some time. I promise I'll drop by tomorrow morning." Ethan kisses my forehead, which is a bold move considering my mother is in the room, and leaves quietly.
"Hi sweetheart." She smiles, her red lips framing her white teeth perfectly. I've always been jealous of her beauty, praying that I could someday look like her.
"Hi mom." I sigh happily, glad to see her, glad to be able to talk to her.
"Honey I've got some big news." She smiles, but as I watch her playing with the ring around her index finger I realize she's nervous... really nervous.
"What is it?" I ask, my smile dropping.
"Well ya see, I found someone." She looks up at me, hope written in her eyes. "He loves me Victoria, he makes me happy." My heart starts to pound rapidly in my chest. I thought that she was working things out with dad. I thought she was still with him.
I stare at her, my lips slightly parted. I want to cry. I want to yell at her for giving up on my broken father that only longs for his daughter's health. But just like before, I shove the negativity down into the pit somewhere in the back of my mind. In response to her painful comment, I nod and smile. "I'm happy for you." Is all I can manage to say.
"His name is Michael." She smiles, no longer playing with the ring on her finger, no longer nervous. I get a small sense of relief knowing the 'smile and nod' trick worked.
"You know, I'm really tired and I really wanted to get some sleep." I lie. I just can't brake down in front of her, that would only make her feel more guilt, and I don't want to put her through that.
"Okay sweetheart. Call me if you ever need me, I don't care the time." Just like Ethan did, she kisses me on the forehead and leaves. Not another word spoken.
After the door clicks shut, I stare at it. I look deep into the matte black door, knowing she's given up on him. Given up on the man that she has known since she was 6 years old. The man that she's loved unconditionally. She gave up on my fragile father.
Tears slowly slip down my cheeks. I don't quite know why it hurts as bad as it does. Maybe it's the memories of them being happy together. Maybe it's their wedding photo I kept under my pillow when I was young, hoping that someday someone would love me as much as my dad loved mom.
My thoughts drift to Ethan. That sweet boy with the dark hazel eyes, and smile that's shines brighter than Times Square. The boy that I love. My shoulders start to shake, knowing that even if he is the one, I will never marry him or have a family with him.
I sink down into the thin sheets that cover my rock-hard mattress. Slipping a hand underneath my pillow, I push my face into the flimsy thing, muffling my loud sobs. I let it all out. Everything, all into that white pillow. I scream, I ball my fists, pounding them against the bed. Crying uncontrollably, my chest heaving with every cry that escapes my lips.
I cry until I feel empty; until every ounce of energy has been lost and I have been left exhausted. Starring out the window to the polluted city, my eyelids weigh down until all I see is a black page.
The black page that shoves me into that cold, dark pit in the back of my mind.
Trapped with my demons for the rest of the night.
A/N: sorry this a bit short
thank you so much for reading
ily💜