No. I can’t let him leave. Not again. Not after what we just survived. I took a bullet for him, I wasn’t about to let some stupid scholarship ruin us.
“Harry!” I called, but he sped off in his truck. Black smoke spurted out the exhaust and diffused into the pure surrounding air.
“Angela?” Danny asked worriedly.
I turned around and saw him standing by the door.
I wanted to run to Harry’s truck and chase it down for as long as my legs would let me, but as soon as I kicked my heels, Danny grabbed my wrist.
“Where are you going?” he demanded.
“Why did you give me that letter!?” I shouted, as if it was his fault that I had gotten the scholarship.
I tugged away from his grasp, but he pulled tighter.
“Angela, what are you talking about?”
“The letter from Connecticut! Why didn’t you just burn it?!” I yelled, but my throat was tightening, making it harder to speak loudly or avoid crying.
Danny stared at my face, trying to make sense of my horribly confused emotions.
Then realization hit him.
“Wasn’t he happy for you?” Danny asked carefully. He wasn’t all too good with understanding his emotions let alone other people’s feelings, and now he was questioning how well he knew Harry.
“YES!” I screamed.
Danny blinked in confusion.
“So what’s the prob-” he started to ask.
“He wants me to go because he thinks that’s what I need, that it’s what I want” I explained quickly. I was out of breath, but I hadn’t even run an inch.
Danny nodded slowly.
“But it’s not, Danny” I shook my head quickly. “I’m not going anywhere without Harry” I declared confidently.
And I stood by my word. I couldn’t go to Connecticut even if I was dragged over there. I know I should be grateful for the scholarship, but I wasn’t, I couldn’t be. What would I write about when I got to Connecticut? How great the Daisies smell on Sunday strolls in the parks? How nice midnight snacks like vanilla ice cream and Cherry cola floats, taste?
There’s nothing exciting for me there. I don’t know anyone or anything. And maybe that’s the point of college; you can only find yourself when you are lost. But I don’t want to be lost. I want to be with Harry because I had already been lost and I had found Harry. Now I just had to hold onto him. And that was the hardest part.
“Ok” Danny nodded. He loosened his grip, but when I started for the street again, he yanked me back.
“Angie, you can’t just run after him” he told me.
I shook my head.
“I have to!” I raised my voice again.
“No, Angie, he’ll come back. He hasn’t even really left. He’s just trying to keep his distance because it will help him let go eventually” Danny told me solemnly.
“Let go? Eventually?” I almost squealed.
I shook my head quickly.
“I don’t want him to let go” I spoke hurriedly.
“Why is he doing this?!” I demanded, but in a much quieter, more broken whisper.
Danny rubbed my shoulder softly.
“Angie, he’s right, you have to put your schoolwork in front of him” Danny nodded.
I shook my head violently.
“Angie” he persisted.
“No, I can go to school here and be with Harry and everything will be ok” I stated almost obsessively.
Of course nothing would ever be “ok,” but as long as Harry was beside me or holding me or even inside me, it didn’t matter what was “ok” and what wasn’t.
Danny refused to let me go out in the street, especially now that it had gotten darker. So I went up to my room and stared out my window for God knows how long. I just sat there and waited and waited until my eyes were sore and Danny had to tuck me into bed.
I closed my eyes and replayed Harry’s grin in my head in order to forget everything else he had said today. It worked for a minute. Then I saw the solemn marble-like eyes look down in rejection. I wished I could hold onto his face and kiss him til my lips were sore and prove to him that I wasn’t going anywhere, not even for all the gold in the world.
***
Harry passed by my house occasionally and he nodded to me at the restaurant, but he never did or said much more or less. I tried to get him to talk or at least listen to me, but he was adamant about my school.
I caught up with him at the end of our shifts at the restaurant.
“Angie, you have to go. You can’t throw this opportunity away” he told me softly.
I shook my head stubbornly.
“Angie” he sighed. “Don’t make this more difficult than it already is” he spoke gently.
He held my hand in his and rubbed my palm soothingly.
I squeezed his hand.
“Harry, I don’t want to go to Connecticut!” I raised my voice.
I want to stay here with you!” I told him.
“Angie! You have to do something with your life. You have the chance to become something!” he spoke loudly.
Then he took a deep breath. He started to walk past me and to his truck.
I stood in front of his truck and refused to move an inch. Harry could easily lift me up over his shoulders and carry me back inside and get in his truck, but he just stood there a minute, letting me finish what I had to say.
“Even if I go to the depths of Hell or the hills of Connecticut, I will always be your angel and you will always be knight” I told him whole-heartedly.
He shook his head slowly in tormented disapproval of my words.
“No, Angie. You have to let people know your name. Be something more than I’ll ever be” he almost whispered.
“Harry, the only name I want is yours and the only thing I want to be is yours” I confessed. I looked straight into his eyes and didn’t dare blink. I didn’t need to; I was telling the truth.
“Angie” he sighed. I knew it pained him to have to let me go off on my own, but it tormented me even more knowing that he was doing it for my sake.
I stood up on my tippy toes so that I could reach his lips. I held his face in my hands and moved a stray curl from over his eye. He lowered his head closer to mine and I pressed my lips to his. He let his tongue find mine for a moment, but only a moment. Then he drew back slightly and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
Harry rubbed the small of my back gently.
“I wish it was as easy as that” he admitted in a soft whisper, close to my ear.
Then he moved back, hopped into his car and left.
***
Danny had the T.V. blasting through the living room. There was a news report about a missing kid.
I nearly dropped my glass of milk when I saw Liam’s graduation picture and his dead body being pulled out of the ground over and over. Liam’s mom was sobbing into her husband’s shirt as the reporter asked her questions about Liam.
“Oh, Angie” he gasped when he saw me staring at the screen with wide disbelieving eyes. The T.V. really did try to blur and blend the reality. Liam was bruised and broken when I Harry buried him, but the T.V. made him look like one of those bodies in Saving Private Ryan. He looked like a buried hero, a lost treasure being unearthed.
Danny stood in front of the T.V. so that I wouldn’t see anymore.
Then he came over to me and placed his hand at my shoulder.
“Angie, I’m sorry you had to see that” he apologized.
I nodded slowly.
“Me too” I agreed honestly.
Danny wrapped his bulky arms around me and patted my back reassuringly.
“Mr. Payne called and they’re having the funeral procession tomorrow afternoon. I said we’ll be there, but if it’s too much for you right now, you don’t have to go” he told me quietly.
He thought Harry keeping his distance and seeing Liam dead were two contrasting, but powerful variables in one ugly equation, but he didn’t know how horribly related the two were.
I shook my head.
“Of course I can go” I told him.
“You sure?” he asked again.
I nodded. What kind of a coward would I be if I witnessed Liam’s final moments and words and yet not pay my respects to him?
***
I opened the door and saw Becky shaking- eyes watering and nose sniffling.
“Becky?” I asked softly. I was afraid one word might break her even more than she was now.
“I saw the body” she spoke in a broken whisper.
“Oh” I gasped and the air in my lungs collapsed.
“Becky, I-” I tried to comfort her, but the tears slid down her cheeks and she hid her face in her trembling hands.
I led her inside and we sat down on the couch.
“I saw-I saw his face” she explained in horror.
I took her hands in mine to calm her shaking.
“He was- he was black and blue all over- all over!” she raised her voice in hopeless fury.
I nodded painfully as I remembered all too well, flashes of Harry causing those bruises and dents.
“He was mu-murdered” she gasped and her throat completely closed in.
I rubbed her back as she cried against my shoulder.
“It’s ok, Becky” I reassured her, but I was lying through my teeth.
Nothing was ok. No one was ok. Liam used to be the epitome of “golden”. He was a star lacrosse player, valedictorian, a brown-eyed softie. He of all people broke down. It was just a matter of time before we all lost our gold and turned black and blue like Liam.
“HE’S GONE, ANGIE!” she shouted.
I nodded slowly. I knew she had to get every ounce of fear, anger, frustration, and sadness out now or never. So I let her punch the couch pillow and scrunch my shirt as she cried.
She took a deep breathe.
“Liam was different, Angie. He was the first good guy I ever dated” she shook her head at the warm, passing memories.
I swallowed hard, remembering how sweet Liam was for so many years and how drastically he had changed in order to please me- in the end. I almost wanted to stick the bullet back into my stomach and let it kill me so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about Liam.
“I know” I said slowly.
“He was good to me” she spoke softly.
I held my breath.
“He was golden” she whispered into her lap and then looked up into my eyes.
My throat collapsed and the tears burned down my cheeks.
“I know” I nodded quietly.
Becky held onto me as much as I held onto her and we both sat there and let every ounce of salty water pour from our eyes.
“I’m sorry to barge in like this” she apologized and she wiped away a stray tear with her sleeve.
“No, don’t worry about it” I shook my head quickly.
Becky looked down and nodded.
“What’s that?” she asked as she pointed to the Connecticut letter.
My heart sunk in my chest.
“Oh, nothing” I brushed off. The letter would only remind her of Liam.
“Angie? You got in!” she smiled.
“Yeah” I smiled weakly.
“Liam would have loved to have gone with you” she nodded as she dabbed at her eye.
“He would have” I agreed.
Becky nodded slowly and her lip quivered. I pulled my arm around her and she cried against my shoulder.
“Angie, why did he have to get hurt?” she asked me rhetorically. “He didn’t deserve it.”
I shook my head.
“No one deserves it” I told her and I closed my eyes as Liam’s voice rang through my ears.
“I used to be” he had whispered with his last breath. “Now I’m black and blue…”