I stood in the kitchen and paced around. I paced around and around until I got so dizzy that I had to sit every so often. My asthma had gotten worse the past couple days and Danny got me another inhaler.
And with every passing day, I felt myself growing a poisonous forest of guilt deep in my gut. And every time I saw a flash of gold or chocolate frosting or black webs, I thought about Liam, Harry, and Becky; the people I was lying to and deceiving.
But every time I decided to tell Harry what had happened or reject Liam or let Becky know, I got cold feet at the last second.
A “yes” to Liam would mean a “no” to Harry. And telling Becky the truth would break our friendship- maybe permanently this time.
I just couldn’t save them all from my useless heart. I could only save one.
***
I avoided Liam for a few days, but he kept calling and texting me.
I just needed some time to think. I needed more time, but wishing for more wasted the few precious moments I had.
My heart needed to think, but that was about as likely to happen as my mind feeling emotion. The two worked opposite each other constantly and Liam had confused everything that I had so carefully established with Harry.
I just needed to know what I felt, not what others wanted me to feel. But every time I questioned Liam and how he basically guilted me into letting him k-kiss me, I thought about how Harry had more or less forced our first kiss. It was impossible to think about one and not other.
I also needed to tell someone what had happened. I needed a third opinion, one that wouldn’t be directly hurt by what I had allowed to take place, even if it was for a moment. So I made a note to talk Niall.
Niall was the first of the boys to find out that Harry and I were seeing each other. And he was also the one that advised Harry to “come clean or go home.” Unfortunately, Harry didn’t get the chance to come clean and did go home, but I did sneak out to go home with him that night….
The knock at the front door made me jump slightly.
Danny opened the door.
“Hi Danny” Liam greeted softly.
I ducked behind the sink and held my breath. I didn’t mean to act so childish, but I was afraid if Lima talked to me again, he would guilt me into marrying him or something drastic like that.
“Is Angela here?” Liam asked.
I peeked from behind the counter and saw that Danny had tightened his grip around the door frame, hoping to intimidate Liam even more than his massive hands or bulging shoulder and chest muscles already did.
Liam swallowed hard.
Danny grinned at his successful attempt at scaring Liam. I fought the urge to nudge Danny for trying to mess with Liam like that.
Danny turned toward the kitchen and was momentarily confused when he saw that I was hiding behind the sink.
I motioned for him to lie and say I wasn’t home.
Danny nodded and turned to Liam.
“She’s doesn’t want to talk” Danny told Liam bluntly.
Liam blinked in confusion of Danny’s honesty.
“She doesn’t?” Liam asked and the slight pain in his voice sunk into my chest, making me feel both stupidly childish for hiding and horrible for hurting him.
“Nope”
Liam looked down nervously at his shoes.
Then he glanced up at Danny.
“Well you could you tell her that I stopped by?” Liam asked quietly.
“Sure” Danny said and he closed the door before Liam could add anything else.
I sighed a breath of relief when Danny closed the door.
“What did he do?” Danny asked me carefully. He was curious as to why I was not talking to Liam and curiosity- like all his other emotions- led to his supreme emotion: anger.
I slowly came out of my hiding spot in the kitchen. I checked that the blinds were all down before stepping into clear view.
“He hasn’t gotten in his car yet, so tell me know before I chase him down the street” Danny threatened calmly.
I shook my head quickly.
“No, Danny don’t hurt him” I pleaded.
Danny watched me cautiously. Though his drawing and painting had eased those brick-like hands of his to be more delicate and precise, he was still the same old stone-wall Danny. And right now, he looked eager to run out and grab Liam and demand that he confess what he had done to me and why I was trying to avoid him.
“Then why are you hiding from him?” he questioned.
And it was a perfectly good question which I myself had half an answer to.
“Liam uh- forgot Becky’s birthday” I mumbled quickly.
Danny slowly nodded in understanding.
I breathed a semi-sigh of relief.
Then he turned to me again.
“So why are you not talking to him?” he asked casually, but still curiously.
“Becky’s my friend” I explained vaguely, thinking that he could connect the dots.
“What does that have to do with you and him?” he rephrased his question.
My chest tightened anxiously, but I couldn’t tell if it was out of anger at me and Liam being in the same sentence or if it was out of longing because maybe we should be together…
I shook my head: what was I saying? I want to be with Harry. I’ve wanted to be with Harry for a very long time, even before he kissed me the night I went out with Liam. I thought about that night and graduation night for a second; Liam never knew that Harry had kissed me at our date and now Harry doesn’t know that Liam kissed me at my graduation party.
They were even, but I was torn. But I shouldn’t be torn; Liam is a good friend, but I want to be with Harry for the rest of my life…Right?
I looked up at Danny him a moment. He obviously did not understand the way teenage girls or women in general- hold grudges, just like how I didn’t understand why guys felt the need to hit each other for fun and kill each other when they were angry. Besides, it is much more effective to hate someone for a thousand years than to kill them in a second.
“Never mind” he shook his head and returned to his room. He grunted something about “girls holding grudges better than he held babies” and stalked off to study.
I nodded too quickly to be relieved. I had avoided the problem and lied to yet another person. It was only a matter of time before the people directly involved knew the truth and I was afraid that would be any moment now…
***
I tried to keep some distance from Harry, too, but that worked about as well as the time I used a rubber band to hold my hair in a makeshift ponytail, especially since I saw him almost every day at the restaurant.
Harry immediately noticed my apprehension and questioned me worriedly about it. I reminded him about the cramps and he nodded in semi-understanding.
Then he wrapped a comforting arm around my waist and held me to his chest protectively.
“Harry, I’m fine” I told him again, but that only convinced him that I needed him that much more.
“Angie, something’s bothering you and if you don’t tell me what it is…” he trailed off.
Then he turned me around to face him.
“I’ll kiss it out of you” he grinned and he started to lower his lips to mine.
My eyes widened at his terribly close choice of words and actions.
Then I shook my head quickly and pushed at his chest ever so slightly.
Harry blinked in confusion.
I turned to put some dishes away.
“Angie, please tell me what’s hurting you so I can make it better” he asked of me quietly.
I swallowed hard; the honesty and ting of pain in his words were too much for my lousy and torn heart.
Harry took my hand and brought it up to his lips.
I glanced up into his eyes and he looked just as hurt by me not telling him, as I felt about having to keep it secret.
Then he held my face delicately in his hands and searched my eyes for an answer, but he didn’t know it was on my lying, unfaithful lips.
“Harry I-” I started to make something up, but Niall interrupted.
I took advantage of the momentary diversion and returned to the customers.
Harry started to stop me, but he saw the line of new customers and let it go for now.
I turned and looked over at Harry who was working diligent on a new batch of brownies. I didn’t deserve him and his honesty and gentle and urgent protective nature. I didn’t deserve Liam and his kind, soft-spoken love. I didn’t deserve anything.