"You had forbidden me from entering your chamber." Arjuna didn't look up.
"I'm talking about your chamber!" She rolled her eyes. "Answer me properly."
"That's not my chamber alone. It's yours too. Our memories are preserved there. Our love is preserved there. It's our chamber, Krishnaa..." He said, his voice turning shaky. That's where we had conversed the last time and spent the night before my exile together. It's not Prince Arjuna's chamber, Krishnaa, it is your husband's chamber. Unless you come along with me, I can't stop into that chamber. If that chamber is opened, I'm scared, Krishnaa, that those memories which are the basis of my hope might fade away. I do not want to ruin the ambiance of that chamber which had known only our Pranaya with anything else. If I enter that chamber again, it will be when I succeed in repairing this relationship and earning your trust once again. That chamber awaits our love, Krishnaa, nothing else. Our togetherness is the key to the lock of that chamber."
She averted his face from him as tears started to pool in her eyes. She was feeling overwhelmed with the various emotions that she was forced to deal with. The worry regarding the Panchala family and their interactions with Arjuna, the concern for her son who was being thrust into a political game, the load of organizing Subhadra's Simantonayana that she herself had taken up and the pain of some people like the Princess of Sauvira who were trying to exploit her vulnerability. All these were already there on one hand but Arjuna was something else.
The words that he had spoken in front of Satyaki had refreshed the memories of the past, his unwavering love for her especially when she was carrying Prativindhya, and his sacrifice for the well-being of their family. When he dealt with Dhrishtadyumna's outburst without any aggressive reaction, she was stunned. On top of that, the reason behind his decision to not to enter his chamber had thrown her off guard. She was not expecting that kind of answer from him. If he was not entering his chamber because of the distance between them, it meant more than a simple decision. If someone else heard about it, they would probably laugh and wave it off but she couldn't. Separated from her, he was separated from his life, his world and everything that was his own.
He was living a life that wasn't his, in a world that wasn't his and he was dissociated with everything that was his own. She knew that because of the state in which their relationship was, his bonds with his mother and brothers were also suffering. Her mother-in-law empathized with her more than her son and given that his brothers were her husbands, they couldn't maintain the same normalcy which existed before. He too lost everything much like she did but the problem was that he alone was responsible for it.
It was his own choice to tread on another path which led his life into another realm and collapsed the castle of their love in that process. He was supposed to be happy with his decision, he was supposed to feel fulfilled in that new world, he was supposed to feel complete with Subhadra whom he had so desperately wanted to marry that he defied everyone for that. But he wasn't. He was yearning for the life that had always been his, he wanted to get back into his own world of joy, he wanted to be himself again. How many choices and chances would life give to someone? What's the use of regretting something after everything is over?
But she was not able to hold herself anymore. She had borne too much that day without reacting or retaliating. She had shown immense courage and resilience even one of the guests tried to provoke her amidst so many people. When it came to herself, she was strong but when it came to those she loved, her heart melted away like a candle that burns itself to give light to the darkness. And she loved him. She loved Arjuna. The truth was that. No matter how much she tried to fight or resist, she knew that she would never be able to not love him, even for a moment. She could feel his misery, to be distant with his family and in his home, even after the twelve year exile had ended.
Arjuna walked closer, observing the streams of tears on her cheeks concernedly. He had thought that she would chide him for his decision of not staying in his chamber or taunt him for having the confidence of winning her heart again but she did nothing of that sort. He gazed at her gently as a small, reverent smile etched on his features.
"You do not need to hide these tears from me. I would never mistake them as signs of weakness. I know that they represent your power and your compassion towards me," he said softly as she lifted her sight in surprise. "When you love, it's never out of compulsion, it's always out of compassion. That's how honest and authentic you are. If you have shed these tears for me, that's enough to keep my spirit alive. I have promised to your brother that I'll prove my love for you. You have given me the strength and confidence for that, Krishnaa."
"The world can be deluded but I cannot be deluded, Arjuna. I might love you and care for you but that is not equal to accepting you!" She said sternly.
"You are right, Krishnaa." His smile didn't waver. "The world was deluded into believing that I did not have love for you. But you alone know how much I love you. You do not need proof. Your trust is not dependent on proof. You love me with all my flaws. But unless you feel that I have corrected those flaws which had hurt you, nothing else will be enough to make you accept me. Accept me when you really and deeply feel that I deserve you, Krishnaa."
As he left her chamber, she shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She had lost control of her emotions for a fleeting moment but she was relieved that she covered up. Until the ceremony of the Simantonayana at least, she couldn't give him any hope from her side. She wouldn't be able to endure this ordeal as an emotional mess, without the shield of detachment.