Krishnaa did not expect Arjuna at the doors of her chamber until she heard his voice. She thought it was anyone of her handmaidens whom she had sent away to have some solitude or one of her co-wives who had come to request her to join the ceremonies. But when his call reached her ears out of the blue, her heart stopped. She wanted to run towards the doors to open them and lay her eyes on him after what felt like Yugas yet she knew that she couldn't do that. How much had she yearned to hear him addressing her that way in these twelve years but when he was actually doing it, she was not in the position to cherish that moment.
She thought he would go away after knocking once or twice. She thought he would be exasperated after shouting her name once or twice. Subhadra must be waiting for him after all. But he did not give up even after receiving no hint of positivity from her side. After a brief period of silence, she had opened the door, thinking that he wouldn't be there, but he was there. He was there.
She had struggled to keep her face blank as his one glimpse was making her emotional when she couldn't show her emotions to him. He looked so different, much different than she had ever thought he would look. He looked older and wiser, and it was natural given that there was so much gap between the time she had last seen him and this day. She was not familiar with this version of Arjuna. That deep austere glint in his eyes and the substantial change in his aura, spoke of more than just the after-effects of his penance. It spoke of her own unawareness about him, about how she had become a stranger to him from being his beloved wife who knew anything and everything about him.
She wasn't prepared to face him. She tried to prepare herself but she failed. She just walked away from the doors and returned to the inside of her chamber. Though her heart was brimming with myriads of emotions, her mind was blank. She didn't know what to talk about before him. At one point of time, she thought that she had millions of questions to confront him with. But when he was standing before her eyes, she didn't find any trace of those questions in her mind.
Emptiness. Nothingness. As if nothing remained. As if everything faded away.
Arjuna followed Krishnaa into the chamber, the coldness emanating from her chilling him to his bone. He did not expect her to be warm with him at once after what he had done but he wasn't expecting her to be so quiet. Her silence was stinging his heart, it was so unlike what his Krishnaa was. But then, she really wasn't the same person that he had taken leave from. He was aware that she would change, as time wills those changes, but when he was witnessing that change with his own eyes, he was feeling overwhelmed. Because he hadn't witnessed her journey of evolving into the woman who was standing before him.
He had always wanted to stay by her side as she rose to new heights, as the Queen of Indraprastha, as the finance minister, as the mistress of the household. He wanted to be her support, her aid and be an essential part of everything that she became, but he couldn't. It was his earnest wish to be the witness to her evolution into motherhood but he had seen nothing and knew nothing. He had remained unacquainted with her transformation. Just some years ago, when he exchanged letters when he was in Manalura, though they were acutely aware of all these changing dynamics, it did not matter to them. They conversed about love, trust, desires, and their reunion. But the past two years have changed everything.
She had aged. No, not physically. Though that too did happen, her divine origins made sure that it was not that obvious. But the age was more about her experiences, her accomplishments and the knowledge she procured. She wasn't the same Krishnaa who would doubt on her capability of being a good mother and would need his assurance, she wasn't the same Krishnaa who would probably need his help in solving something in the treasury, she wasn't the same Krishnaa who would rely on him to build her relations with his mother and his brothers. She did not require his guidance to know more about the Pandava family and the Kuru Vamsha anymore. She probably knew more than even he did about his own family and his dynasty.
Indraprastha was more hers than his. He was coming into her home, her kingdom, her household, and still he had the audacity to cause her distress. He just had to be more prudent, more considerate, more logical. He should've been more patient, more conscious and more loyal to her than he had been. She deserved at least that much from him but he let the concern for her take less importance for once, thinking about other matters. When Krishna had told him that this was a domestic matter and couldn't hold more weight than the societal issue, he had the wisdom to grasp the pragmatism in Krishna's words but he did not have the wisdom to think about Krishnaa's rights.
Krishna wasn't wrong. He was indeed right. In comparison with the larger issues, this domestic issue had no significance. Even Krishnaa would have understood that if he had the decency to let her know personally. If he had sent a separate letter for her, she would've responded in a different way. Krishna himself had hinted at the possibility of Krishnaa not permitting him, but he had confidently responded to his friend that she would. He had expected that she would or she should.
He had almost taken advantage of her magnanimity without even realizing it.
Why? Why couldn't he write to her?
He didn't have the courage to tell her that he wanted to marry his cousin though he had the courage to avoid telling her that. Because he did feel something more than societal obligation towards Subhadra. He wanted to marry her not just for the strengthening of the alliance with Dvaraka, but because she was who she was. Subhadra, though she looked more like Balarama by appearance, was a lot like Krishna. That mischief, the serenity that was so unique only to Krishna, the way she talked and conducted herself, everything was just like Krishna. And that brought her closer to his heart.
He was so perplexed with his own feelings for Subhadra that he didn't know how to express them to Krishnaa in his letter and he even didn't realize that himself until he actually was standing before Krishnaa. All these days he was fooling himself that it was just a political necessity and familial compulsion which he had to act upon. There was no need to hide himself from his love if it was only that.
How strange was the fact that it took him her cold shoulder to understand his own self. He messed it up high time. It was too late for him to own up to his mistake. He spent another two years doing nothing when he had the opportunity to correct his misstep. One letter. One explanation. One plea. And everything would have been settled. After giving her so much pain, how was he hoping to reunite with her without any hurdle? How was he expecting her to wait for him when he did not give her a valid reason to wait for him?
They were standing opposite to each other for what felt like an eternity. None spoke a word as if there was no scope of communication between them. The silence hung heavily in the air and on their fragile hearts, threatening their connection. Arjuna wasn't finding his voice to initiate a conversation and his quietness was breaking Krishnaa's heart. Why did he come to her if there was nothing to say? Why did he request her to open the doors when there was nothing left for him to express? Why was he torturing her thus? Why?
Making up his mind to talk to her, he slowly walked nearer to her but she moved away in the opposite direction, baffling him completely. He couldn't bear such detachment from her. From the beginning he knew that she would be angry with him and he had expected her to lash out but she was behaving so differently. It was as if the spark of their relationship that he so cherished did not exist anymore. It was blown off. No, he had blown it off with his hands.
She was not reacting like before but he too hadn't shared such an important thing with her. She always used to say, constantly and repeatedly, never to hide any feeling of his from her even if it's not so significant. He had gone against that very instruction of hers which, if followed, could have never let such a situation come in their lives.
At this moment, he needed nothing but to feel the fire that was burning within her heart which she was covering up with the facade of coldness. He needed to feel those flames of her love in his heart to purify himself. He wanted to be reduced to ashes by the fire of her indignation. He wanted to experience the scorching heat of anger that was hurting his beloved. It was him who deserved that hurt and not her, not anymore. Not anymore.
"Krishnaa," he whispered softly. "We have stayed apart for too long and you are going further away..."
His ardent words broke into the wall that she had built around herself and the first emotion that burst out was the rage that she was suppressing. At the same time, the beautiful memories of their past flashed in her mind, advising her not to express her bitterness and seek sweetness from their relationship. But she couldn't be that delusional.
She wasn't that delusional not to see how much everything had changed. He had married some other woman who loved him and promised to share his whole life with her but he didn't consider it important to share at least that information with his first wife personally. Perhaps he thought what was the compulsion to take the pain of informing because of whom he had to leave his home and his family behind, and had to live alone for twelve years.
He had done everything that she had thought he never would. Perhaps when he met Subhadra in Dvaraka, he realized that she was a better choice as his wife and decided to choose his own happiness. If this was how it was supposed to end, why had he LOVED her so much? Why had he loved HER so much that she had trusted him beyond the levels of practicality?
"Krishnaa..." He had approached her when she was lost in her reverie and placed his hand on her shoulder. She caught her breath, trying hard to ignore the familiar comfort in his touch. She removed his hand from her shoulder and stepped back harshly. She was successful in not caring about the sorrow on his face at her action with much difficulty. She was thankful that she wasn't an immature girl blinded by love, she was equipped with the grit to deal with such betrayal fittingly.
"What are you doing here, Kaunteya?" She raised her gaze and looked straight into his nervous eyes. "Why are you wasting your time in my chambers?"
"I wanted to meet you, my beloved..." he responded, his voice trembling due to the searing sharpness with which she looked at him. "I wanted to meet you after all these years of distance..."
"If you are done with the meeting that you wanted, you can leave. Go there where the princess of the Satvatas is!" Though she had tried her best to maintain the sternness in her stance, her eyes had reddened and her tears started flowing from her eyes. "She must be waiting for you to return and you also must be anticipating going back to her, right? Then what else do you want from me? Is it not enough or you also want to witness me crying?"
______
If you consider this one as another cliffhanger, do not worry about it, readers! I'm promising to post the next chapter at the earliest (mostly tomorrow itself). This chapter is the longest one with 2000+ words. There was only one 2000 worded chapter in this book before (Chapter 22: Letter From Him). Do let me know your thoughts on this chapter! It'll motivate me to give faster updates! Thank you for all the love on the previous chapters! <3