The most dangerous drug I know has blue eyes and a heartbeat.
Goodbyes
~•❤️•~
The sounds of the prison gates shut behind me, and I flinched. Without Gabriel by my side, I would have been far less confident in my steps. The place felt cold, giving me an icy feeling. The policemen and guards of the prison wore grim expressions, any positive emotions completely void from their faces. I tried to keep my thoughts positive; otherwise, I would have been too nervous and scared to move forward.
"This wing is for newer inmates," Gabriel bent towards my ear and spoke quietly, as if we weren't allowed to speak.
"Oh," I whispered back. "You seem to know a lot."
"Of course, I was involved in making sure Logan gets sent away. I know all the details of this case by heart."
I let out a shaky breath. "Good to know."
We took a few more steps towards the front desk when a passing security guard stopped us.
"Can I help you two?" The guard approached, assessing Gabriel and me. "Are you here to visit someone?"
"Yes, we are." Gabriel confirmed. "I was a key witness in the case of Logan Rivera. We'd like to see him."
"Rivera... Ah, yes. That was a popular case that closed a few days ago. The perp was incarcerated three days ago and has begun serving his three-year sentence. Who is she?" He pointed towards me, and I couldn't help but step closer toward Gabe.
"She's my sister," Gabe answered.
"Your sister... as in the victim?"
I gulped and clutched my dress tightly in my hands.
"Yes. She wants to see Logan one last time."
The security guard frowned before glancing at where two policemen sat at the front desk. "I'm not sure if she is allowed to see him this early, Mr. Muller. But I'll check for you. In the meantime, please have a seat in the waiting area."
The guard left us standing there to go talk to his colleagues. I sighed as both Gabe and I took a seat.
"This is dumb. We can basically buy this place, yet we have to wait," Gabe mumbled.
"Of course, there are rules and procedures in place that we can't ignore. Our family's name and wealth are not beyond the law," I said softly.
"You'd be surprised, Sera. Stop being so naïve."
I frowned at Gabriel's words but decided against speaking. Rather, I thought about his words and how true they held. I couldn't fully understand, but I knew that he was right to some degree.
A few minutes passed by in silence, the only noise to be heard being the sounds of chatter from the policemen and sounds of gates opening and closing. A few people from the public were walking in and out, most likely visiting as well.
The same guy came back with papers in his hand. "Please fill out this form and sign it where advised. Are you a minor, ma'am?"
I took the clipboard from him and I nodded. "Yes, I'm seventeen."
"Then your brother should fill it out instead, as your guardian. The both of you need identification documents."
The policeman left us to sign the form after taking my birth certificate and Gabriel's ID to print and scan. I was impatient and annoyed, but we needed to go through the necessary steps before we could see Logan.
When completed, we handed the forms in and finally, after almost thirty minutes of processing our visit, we were given permission to see Logan.
"Mr. Muller, glass or no glass?" One of the guards asked, looking at us expectantly.
"Glass."
"What does it mean?" I asked Gabe quietly.
"Whether you want to see Logan behind glass or not."
"I don't want that. I want to see him right in front of me." I urged.
"Not happening," Gabe denied.
"Yes," I urged again, looking at him desperately. "You'll be there with me, it will be fine."
Gabe let out a long sigh. "I have half the mind to turn around and call quits to all of this madness, but I'm afraid you'll hate me forever."
I sent him a sheepish smile.
"No glass." Gabe told the guard.
By the time it was time to enter the exact same room as Logan, I grew extremely nervous.
The guards told us that they asked Logan if he was willing to accept a visitor. Logan thought that it was Gabe and said he would happily see him. He had no idea that I was with.
Dear lord, would my heart continue beating at this insane pace?
"Ms. Muller, you and your brother have read the rules and signed it, am I correct?"
"Yes." I nodded.
"Please follow the rules. Do not engage in any type of physical contact with the inmate. Do not say anything to provoke the inmate, including the words we have listed in the forms you have read. There will be two guards inside and two outside, and the inmate will be cuffed. As your guardian, your brother will have to accompany you inside."
I nodded. I memorised all of the rules, as it was the only thing distracting me from thinking about Logan while in the waiting room.
Another guard stepped out of the room that we were standing a few feat from. The room with a dark blue door and a small block window. The guard looked at Gabe and I and motioned for us with a hand. "Come inside. Make sure all of your belongings are not on you."
"We checked." Gabriel confirmed.
"Then come. You have thirty minutes with the inmate."
I clasped my sweaty hands together in front of me and pulled in a deep breath.
Before I knew it, Gabriel took my hand and slowly led me into the room.
When we were inside, the metal door shut abruptly behind us as the guards closed it. I flinched at the sound, my body trembling. Two guards stood on either side of the room, their hands clasped in front of them and their stern expressions staring ahead.
My gaze wondered towards where Logan was seated at the metal table, his broad back facing away from Gabe and I. My breathing stilled.
Oh God. I knew that he was alive as of four days ago, but actually seeing him was a different experience.
The sound of a deep chuckle coming from Logan echoed in the empty and cold room, sending familiar waves through me. "You just couldn't wait to visit me, could you, Gabe? Bro, it's been like four days and you already miss me? I'm worried that you'd die of loneliness or something. Should I be concerned?"
"Please get over yourself and don't call me that. Beside, eating glass sounds more appealing than visiting you," Gabriel laughed darkly, standing right behind me and placing his hands on my shoulders. "I'm not the one who wants to see you."
"Oh, really?" Logan drawled, seeming amused. "Who then? It can't possibly be my mother. She hates me."
My heart stung. "Logan," I called softly, my voice so small that I was afraid he didn't hear me.
Indication that he did in fact hear me could be seen when I saw his shoulders tense and he basically froze up, the grey prison suit stretching against his back.
I stepped forward hesitantly and sent Gabriel a look of worry.
"It's okay, Princess. You can go." He smiled softly. I was surprised he was being this calm about the situation.
I reached Logan after a few more steps, and Gabe stayed behind, his eyes trained on my every movement. When I reached the metal table, I pulled open a seat opposite to Logan and sat down.
His eyes, an intense shade of blue, met mine, and I struggled to control my heavy breathing. Blue on blue – the most beautiful and terrifying blue I'd ever seen. Logan's hands were cuffed to the metal bar on the table, the short-sleeved prison uniform exposing the tattoos on his arms, patterns that felt eerily familiar.
He looked so tired and it sent a stab straight to my chest. It was astonishing to me how I held no resentment in me upon seeing him, just sadness.
"Hi, Logan," I whispered. "How are you?"
He stared at me, an unreadable emotion swirling in his eyes. My hands that were placed in my lap were fidgeting and sweaty.
"Are you okay?" I asked when he remained silent.
Finally, his lips parted, and he released an uneven breath. "Fuck, am I dreaming?"
"No, I'm right here," I assured sadly. The Logan before me looked the same yet different – facial hair grown, eyes wearier. It hurt to see him this way, but a rational part of my brain nagged that this was inevitable.
"Sera... Fuck," he cursed again, glancing quickly at Gabe before facing me again. "I must be fucking dreaming. There's no way that douchebag would've brought you to see me."
"I wanted to see you," I admitted.
"Sera," he shut his eyes tightly before opening them again. "You're really in front of me."
"Yes," a small smile crept onto my face.
He released a deep breath before clenching his jaw. "I thought they told you I was dead."
"They did. I cried for two weeks," I admitted, feeling warmth rush to my cheeks.
Logan stared at me, eyes still in disbelief. "They shouldn't have done that to you. I deserve all this shit, but they should've let you move on in peace. Baby girl... I missed you so fucking much that it physically hurt. It hurt to think we left off on that bad note, where I caused so much shit. Fuck, I would've done anything to see you again and tell you how sorry I am, and here you are."
Tears welled up, and I wiped them away quickly. Perhaps I should've brought tissues.
A part of me, once crushed by the thought of Logan being gone, felt like it had mended.
"You look like a fucking angel right now. Radiant and light, stunning and unreal. I'm still convinced that someone must have taken me out in my sleep, and this is heaven. But then again, heaven is some place I'm definitely not seeing."
I shook my head, letting out a small, far-from-happy laugh. "I needed to see you to let you know that I'm okay."
"I'm so glad to see you, Sweetheart, but you're not okay."
"W-what do you mean?" I looked at him, feeling puzzled.
"As gorgeous as you are, it is painfully obvious that you've been feeling bad for the past few days. Your eyes look exhausted from tears, and you're paler. Besides, how can you be okay after everything I've done?"
My heart stilled, the blood in my body feeling as though it went ice cold. Even Logan was acknowledging how much he wronged me, when I was still somehow indenial and trying to make up excuses for him.
"I hurt you so much," he said softly, a familiar emotion flashing through his eyes – the same heartbreak I saw in the mirror after I thought I'd lost him. "Someone like you; precious, sweet, kind, innocent. You deserve only good moments filled with joy, yet I ruined everything. You deserve someone who is good and who will treat you gently and with kindness, not someone like me. A fucking monster."
My eyes blurred with tears, my hands trembling. Seeing him in front of me, his eyes washed with pain and regret, brought an unexpected turmoil of emotions.
Hearing these words from Logan's mouth, as depressing as it was, gave me some tiny sense of peace. All this time, hidden in the back of my mind, I despised him for what he had done to me. I hated his actions, but hating him was an entirely different thing. The weight of this realisation was almost suffocating.
"Y-you don't have to say all of those things. It's okay." I sniffled, meaning it. As much as it hurt to see him, as much as the memories of all the times he hurt me would flood my mind and leave it in shambles, I still wanted him to move on in peace.
"You don't mean that, darling. I'm an inexcusable piece of shit, but you're still too naïve to realise it." His hands that were cuffed to the metal bar clenched tightly till they were straining against the handcuffs. He seemed physically pained, his expression hard and his eyes suddenly looking at the metal table, avoiding my gaze. His shoulders were so tense and stiff, and it looked as if he hadn't slept comfortably in days.
I knew I couldn't touch him. I'd read the rules as if they were my new mantra. However, ignoring the consequences, I reached across and lightly brushed my hand against his. I used my index finger to caress his hand, intending to touch him for just a second. I didn't expect Logan's hand to suddenly grab mine. I looked at him in surprise.
In that moment, it was as if no one was in the room with us. It was just Logan and me, staring into each other's eyes.
His hand engulfed mine firmly before giving it a gentle squeeze.
As nervous as I was about the rules, I let myself relax for just a second, enveloped by the familiar and warm feeling of his hand, a perfect fit. By the time I was sure one of the guards or my brother would interject, my hand was back in my lap as Logan had let it go. Phew.
"Will you be okay?" I asked hesitantly. I had so much to say to him, but it was as if my mind had gone blank.
His hands, once visibly clenched, loosened up. His eyes bore into mine as if he was savoring every second of it. I was doing the same. "Don't worry about me, Sweetheart. Just keep trying to make yourself feel better, okay? Be safe, be careful, don't let your parents dictate your life, and do what makes you happy. Eat healthy and-"
As much as his words warmed me, I interjected, "I want to talk about you." I nearly begged, searching his expression for answers.
He let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes tightly for a second before opening them again. "I'll be okay, baby. Please don't worry about me. I've been here already, remember? I know how it goes. I hate sitting here in handcuffs and talking to you, letting you see me like this."
"I'm sorry," I said sadly.
"Why are you apologizing? Don't ever apologize about anything. You did nothing wrong. If there is someone who should be sorry, it's me. I'm so fucking sorry."
"I-I forgive you," I said strongly, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. I prided myself for being able to say that to him.
He looked completely taken aback. "You do?"
"I do."
"But why?"
"Because-" I paused before I could continue, remembering that Gabriel could hear my words. He pretended not to listen to our conversation and kept looking around the room, but I knew he was listening.
"Hmm?" Logan urged, tilting his head a bit.
It's because I still love you, ever after everything you have done to me.
"It's because despite everything, I want you to heal and move on. I want the best for you and I want you to reach a point in time where you feel at peace, where you're not burdened by the darkness of your mind and your past."
In the next moment, he remained silent, his eyes widening the slightest bit. "You think I can do that?"
I nodded. "I believe you can."
The dilemma was, I didn't have a clear stance on what I truly believed. It felt as if I clung to my emotions, desperately seeking closure. Convincing Logan that he could heal seemed like a necessary step toward reaching that elusive point.
He gazed at me with awe, fondness and endearment etched on his face.
A heavy silence hung in the air, our words lingering, adding weight to our shared thoughts. Logan's intense stare weighed on me, and while I wondered about his contemplations, I also found myself studying every detail of his face, eager to imprint his image in my memory.
The fear of never seeing him again, my first love, the person who inflicted such pain, sent a torrent of conflicting emotions coursing through me—relief, guilt, hurt, regret—all flooding my senses at once, accelerating my heart to a rapid pace.
"Will I see you again?" Logan's voice broke the silence, his conflicted blue eyes holding more emotion than I'd ever seen.
My hands clenched around the material of my dress, his question a heavy burden on my shoulders. I had rehearsed this scene countless times in my mind, anticipating the inevitable question. Still, facing it in reality was no easier.
Before I could respond, Gabriel stepped closer. "You've got five more minutes. Make it quick; I don't want Sera to be here a second longer." He stepped away, allowing us a semblance of privacy in our last moments.
"Sera, please answer me," Logan pleaded, his eyes desperately searching mine. "I want to touch you so bad. I want to hold you in my arms one last time and feel your pulse, but I've got these fucking cuffs on me." He jerked against the metal, his breathing heavy. I looked at him in surprise.
"Don't step out of line, inmate," a guard warned.
"Please follow the rules," I whispered. "I don't want you to stay any longer than necessary."
"You didn't answer my question, Sweetheart. Please," he pleaded, clearly struggling to regain composure. The Logan I knew would have wanted to tear the metal cuffs off to get what he wanted, but now he fought against that impulse.
I took a deep breath before saying, "You won't see me again." My conviction wavered, but I managed to convey exactly what would happen next.
He shook his head, eyes pained by my response. "You don't mean that."
"I mean it, Logan. You hurt me too much and caused me so much pain," my voice trembled with emotion. "I don't want to see you locked up, but these are the consequences of your actions. I'm grateful that you're alive, and I've forgiven you. I'm so relieved because I want the best for you. Yet, I've realized that I'm no good for you. You need to find yourself and heal on your own. Living under the delusion that you need me for that is more your obsession than love. I'm sorry, but it has to be this way."
Standing up from my seat, my heart throbbed so loudly I feared it might leap out of my throat. My eyes watered, witnessing the look of denial and betrayal on his face.
No, this was the right choice. It was the mature thing to do. I'd be a fool otherwise.
His blue eyes glistened with unshed tears, leaving an ache in my chest. Seeing him like that made it hard to breathe. "Please don't say all those things. We'll see each other again. I'll make it up to you, baby girl. I promise."
"No, we can't," I offered him a smile, the tears I had worked so hard to suppress now rolling down my cheeks.
"Sera," Logan's eyes searched mine desperately, his entire body visibly pained and tense. "Please don't do this. I love you so much."
I sucked in a sharp breath. Without caring about what the guards or my brother would do, I took nervous steps toward Logan. He followed my every movement, his eyes hard and pained.
Bending toward where he was sitting, I closed my eyes and placed a soft kiss on his lips, my hand caressing his soft hair. "Goodbye, my love."
I let go and stepped back toward my brother. Logan jerked harshly in his seat by my words and actions, attempting to stand up. The handcuffs restrained him, causing him to curse in annoyance. I stepped back in surprise. The guards were on him in a second, both pushing him back into his seat.
"Fuck off me," he growled. "It's not like I can do anything from this position. Sera, come back here, please."
My vision blurred with tears, and I stepped further away from him until my back hit Gabriel. "Let's go, Princess."
"Sera!"
I watched as Logan once again attempted to stand up and face me. This time, not only were the cuffs restraining him, but the two guards forcefully held him down.
It was too much to bear. Through blurry eyes, I sent Logan one more look before rushing out of the room.
I didn't even tell him that I loved him too.
When I reached the hallway on the way out, I placed a hand against the wall, feeling my chest tighten in pain to the point it was hard to breathe. I slumped down the side of the wall until I was on the cold ground. I cried and cried, but no sound was coming out of me. My hand clutched my heart tightly.
"Shit! Sera," I felt the presence of Gabriel beside me. He knelt down beside me and pulled my head into his chest, holding me tightly.
"It hurts so much," I cried, the sobs wracking my whole body, my nose clogging up so tightly. Gabriel held me tightly, inhaling a sharp breath. "E-even after everything he did, it hurt to say goodbye." The words couldn't even cohesively leave my mouth.
"I'm so sorry," Gabe said, sounding pained. "I understand."
I don't know how long it was, just crying next to a comforting Gabriel, before a sympathetic police woman offered me some water and a cookie to calm down. I appreciated the help, but I needed to get away as soon as possible. The air in this place felt so dense, so cold and washed with negative emotions.
When we left the prison gates, my crying barely ceased.
One thing I was sure of, it was that I had finally managed to close the most painful chapter of my life.
*🌹*
A/n. It was so hard to write this chapter...
Don't forget to vote and comment!
Q: Who is your favourite fictional character? Mine is Eren Yeager from Attack On Titan ^_^
Final chapter coming out soo, then there will be an epilogue afterwards. Look forward to it!
Ciao🌼
Next update: 25 November 23