"You know what the problem is? You weren't using your head," Malik tapped at the sides of his temples with his middle fingers as he lectured her.
He paced back and forth across her living room in front of her.
"I'm telling you.. niggas see you acting all crazy like that over them they gone do you waaaaay dirtier than they ever planned to before," he pointed at her with the cigarette between his middle and index finger before placing it between his lips. "If you was doing that shit to me... crying and begging me not to leave you in the middle of a fuckin club... bet," he nodded to himself. "I'm gettin creative with ways to do you dirty. I'm doin you ten times worse just cause I know you gone take it. That's the game," he shrugged.
Nico held her knees to her chest as she looked up at him.
He was mostly just talking to himself as she stayed within the confines of her own mind.
She didn't believe any of what they told her about last night.
Nico only remembered up to her third drink when the drugs kicked in and everything after that was a blue. She faintly remembered seeing Carter, crying and screaming, and then throwing up all over herself when they tried to bring her home.
Angelo gave her the play-by-play, and she begged for him to stop, as she was getting second-hand embarrassment hearing it, and worse, knowing that they had watched her do what she had done.
She hugged the blanket around herself tight as she listened to Malik's ramblings.
Her hair was wet from the shower she took and hung down the sides of her face as she left it to air dry. She was wearing shorts and a hoodie that did nothing to offset the cold air of her apartment. She wanted to ask Malik to turn the thermostat up since he was close by, but she couldn't really get any words out.
She was just... quiet.
Her bowl of cereal that Angelo poured for her sat untouched on the coffee table in front of her. He was sitting next to her, eating his bowl of cereal quietly as he followed his brother's pacing with his eyes.
When Malik finished with his speech, Angelo raised a brow.
"That all you got in that philosophy book of yours?" He cracked.
Malik kissed his teeth.
"All I'm saying is if she was thinking with her head, none of that woulda gone down. Nigga shoulda folded you but he didn't... shiiit that's what I woulda done," Malik said as he plopped down next to her and picked up the video game controller. "Can't be putting yourself in those situations, girl. Gotta be more playa than that. Shit was hurting my heart to watch, Nic.."
They were initially staying at Jada's apartment since it was vacant while she stayed with her parents for the holidays, so it made it easier for them to take care of Nico when they brought her home.
Mostly, it was Angelo as Malik was too out of it to be any help and he just went upstairs and crashed.
Angelo helped her take off her clothes and wiped off her makeup and did his best to try to wash the vomit out her hair, but couldn't manage all of it, and Nico was too tired to stay leaned over the tub for any longer.
He slept on the couch and was awakened by Malik knocking on the door, accompanied by the video game console he brought down to play because it was boring in the apartment upstairs by himself.
"You good?" Gelo asked her when she didn't have any response to Malik's monologue.
"Cold," she muttered, unsure of how Malik was comfortable without a shirt on.
Angelo got up and turned the thermostat higher, and Nico just watched the animations on her TV fill up with different basketball teams and players.
As he returned to the couch, he picked up the second controller and sat down on the other side of Nico.
He kissed his teeth when he saw Malik had already chosen his team. "Nah come on, I said I was playin with the Suns.."
"Too late, pussy. Pick another team.."
They went back and forth, and Nico tuned them out completely as she stared at the floor.
She felt like she was living the longest nightmare ever.
A groan escaped her loudly and she placed her head into her hands.
The two brothers stopped arguing over their video game and both looked over at her.
"I wanna die," she announced.
Gelo's eyes softened.
"Aye come on.. quit," Malik said as he nudged her. "It's gonna be okay. We done all tweaked on some molly before, shit happens to the best of us."
Angelo's brows furrowed. "Nigga... who is us?!Speak for yourself.." he spoke beneath his breath.
Malik waved his brother off. "Forget about ol' dude.. you don't need him for shit. Lame ass nigga," he muttered.
There was a long pause.
"You think he can hook me up with a tat though?"
"Malik man," his brother groaned.
"My fault, my fault," he laughed as he grabbed the lighter off the table.
He stood up and walked to the balcony to finally smoke the cigarette that had been holding between his lips forever.
"So dumb.." Angelo shook his head.
Nico's phone rang on the table, and she saw the photo of Carter driving that popped up with his contact, calling once again.
It was the second time that morning, the first being 9 in the morning but she was still sleep then.
She stared at the phone as it rang, only hugging her knees closer to her chest.
The call ended and Nico felt the tears well in her eyes.
"What you planning on doing?"
She was still trying to put the puzzle pieces together in her head, wondering how they ended up in the exact position they were in.
Nico found herself thinking a lot about the morning they had before they broke up, and how peaceful she felt and how great her day was going before it all went to shits.
She wished there was a way to turn back the time, because she would have never left her bed that morning.
"What options do I have? He doesn't want me," she answered. "He left me."
Angelo sighed. "You was tweakin out your mind, Nic. I think if we went through that same scenario a hundred different times without the drugs, you wouldna never acted like that."
She turned to look at him, resting her cheek against her knee. "You know what scares me, Lo? I don't think it would be any different.." she whispered softly.
She recalled the happiness she felt when she saw Carter. Her whole mood lifted instantly, and then it went crashing when she saw him with another woman. It wasn't healthy, and she realized it when she felt like dying watching him walk away.
Her entire mood depended on him, like an unhealthy obsession.
"Trust me, it would. And regardless, you was acting an ass. Can't avoid him forever, 'specially when you owe him an apology. You slapped the shit outta him," Angelo chuckled.
Forget feeling it, he heard the slap and he was just thankful it wasn't him.
"Gotta be woman about your shit and own up to it," he shrugged as he stood up to put the bowls of cereal away.
His was finished, and it was obvious Nico wasn't eating hers.
Nico blew out a breath as she looked at the TV.
She would call him back, she just needed to collect her thoughts and figure out what she would say.
It seemed like a tall task but at least she knew he was open to talking.
Malik returned, smelling of the cigarette he finished smoking as he took a seat next to her.
"You ain't gone make a nigga something to eat?" He looked at her expectantly. "I'm a guest in your home."
Nico narrowed her eyes at him.
"I'm sitting here talking about wanting to die and you want me to make you a sandwich?" She asked, repeating the absurdity back to him.
"You better quit sayin that white shit to me. You're not thinkin about nothing," he told her, reaching for the pack of cigarettes and grabbing a new one. "Especially not over a nigga.. the fuck is wrong witchu?"
He placed it between his lips, because he felt anxious when he didn't have one close by.
Nico sighed and reached for her phone. "I should call my therapist."
It'd been a while since she last spoke with Dr. Owens as she'd slowly weaned out of talk therapy since she didn't have much to discuss anymore. She'd gotten over the curve of Emi's death, but it took her nearly two years and she wondered how long it would take her to get over this breakup.
"What you need a therapist for? You got me. Tell me about your problems.."
"I think if I spend any more time with you Malik I might seriously kill myself," she said and she scrolled through her contact list looking for her name.
Malik threw his head back laughing as a deep-belly laugh escaped him.
"You heard that, Lo?" He said to his brother when he returned to the couch and plopped down. "She's back to crackin jokes.. I told you this girl wasn't depressed about shit," he said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
He pulled her into him, keeping her tucked into him as he clicked 'x' on the PlayStation controller for the game to begin.
It was almost noon, and Nico hovered over the name for a while, wondering if it was a bad time to be calling.
She decided to anyways and lifted the phone to her ear as she chewed on her lip.
Her eyes followed the game of 2K on her TV as the phone rang and rang.
When the ball was tipped up, she heard the ringing come to an end.
"Hi Nico," her soothing voice carried over the phone.
Nico immediately sighed of relief.
"Hey doc.. are you busy?"
"No, it's a holiday," she reminded her and Nico slapped her forehead. "How are you? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's fine. Well.. not really. I just.. I wanted to know if we could start our sessions again? I've been going through a lot.."
"Have you? What's been going on?" She could hear the worry in her tone.
Nico felt the tears from in her eyes. "Just.. a lot of stuff I wanna work through and need your help with."
"Okay," Dr. Owens spoke softly. "How about you call the office on Monday and we'll arrange a time to see each other next week... does that sound good?"
"That sounds good," Nico said.
She heard children screaming in the background and the older woman laughed over the phone.
"Well, it looks like my grandkids woke up from their nap. I have to go, but it was nice to hear from you. I look forward to seeing you soon.."
"You too," Nico said, and just the thought of being able to sit down and pour out her feelings made her want to cry.
"And Nico... I'm gonna give you some numbers just in case you're having an emergency and need somebody to talk to.. alright?"
"Okay.. thanks Dr. Owens. Enjoy your day off," she added.
"You as well. Take care," she said, her tone changing a bit to convey the sincerity in which she wanted her to hear that.
Nico heard it loud and clear.
She put her phone in her lap and a small smile grew on her face.
It was tiny, but Angelo had looked away from the video game and recognize it.
"Good for you," Gelo said, happy that she was taking that first step in asking for help on her own. "I'm proud of you.."
The smile only grew on her face as she watched the TV in front of her.
They went back and forth with the score on the video game, and sometime after the second quarter began and before they started bickering again over unfair advantages, Nico stood up to head to her bedroom.
She had some tidying up to do.
Her bathroom was a complete mess and she tied up her hair before getting to work.
She sprayed the whole thing down with foaming spray before she got to work, starting with the bathtub that still had chunks on vomit splayed around it.
She had to keep from gagging as she thoroughly cleaned it all until it sparkled.
She must've been in her own world, just scrubbing, sans any music for the thirty or so minutes it took her to scrub every surface.
Her thoughts kept her mind occupied.
She kept remembering bits and flashes of the night before, and she groaned each time a new memory unlocked itself and she recalled how fucking crazy she was acting.
"Over a man.. over a fucking man.." she muttered to herself. "You crazy girl.."
She scrubbed the outside of the toilet.
"Shame on you."
She wiped everything down with a microfiber towel before grabbing her swiffer mop and cleaning the floors.
"Shame on you.."
"Uh Nic.."
She completely forgot Malik and Angelo were still over, so Malik's voice startled her when she heard it at her bathroom door.
Had he been there the whole time?
She turned to see an uneasy look on his face.
"Your boy's at the door.."
"Carter?" Her eyes widened, and he heard an inflection in her voice that he didn't like. "He's here??"
She should have figured he wouldn't do too well with his phone calls getting ignored.
Malik's face scrunched up at the way her eyes lit up. "Don't get too excited.. I told you about being more playa," he reminded her.
"Shit okay um.."
Nico looked around before catching her eyes in the mirror.
Her hair dried into a frizzy mess and there were wet spots on her sweater from all the water splashing her.
She looked a mess.
"What you want me to say to him? Should I tell him to cut? Should I let him in? Should I beat his ass? Or do you got that one, Money Mayweather?" He added as a joke and then started laughing.
Nico frowned.
"That's not funny," she said as she pulled the rubber gloves off her hands.
She tossed them onto the counter and glared at Malik as she exited her bedroom.
"That's not funny at all."
"If you don't find that funny then I guess you won't be laughing about me telling ol' dude we just got done fucking.."
"What?!" She stopped in her tracks and turned around as her eyes bulged out of her head. "Why would you say that??"
He started laughing.
"I'm playing. Lighten the hell up," he pushed her shoulder, guiding her towards the door. "And I better not see or hear no tears.." he warned her as he plopped back down on the couch and picked up the controller.
He gave her a look once she headed for the door.
"Playa," Malik repeated the word to her.
What the hell did that even mean?
Angelo gave her an encouraging nod, and she reached for the doorknob to pull the already unlocked door open.
Carter stood across the hall, leaning against the wall as he waited.
When he heard the door open, his gaze shifted from the ceiling of the hall towards the door before it landed on Nico.
"Hey," she said softly, stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind her.
Carter leaned off the wall. "My bad for just showing up. I didn't know you had people over.. I tried calling," he explained.
It wasn't lost upon Nico how well-rested he looked while she looked like absolute shit.
"Yeah. I saw your call," she said, pulling her damp hair up into a ponytail. "I was cleaning up.. tryna work up the courage to call you back.."
He nodded, his eyes falling to her neck once she moved her hair out of the way. She was still wearing the gold necklace he'd given her for her birthday.
"I'm sorry about how I was last night. I don't know what got into me."
Actually, she did... and it was drugs she had no business taking.
But that was no excuse.
"Do you wanna come inside?" Nico asked when they just stood standing there awkwardly in the hallway, staring at one another.
"Nah, it's cool. Just.. I dunno. Wanted to see your face and make sure you were good, I guess," he shrugged before putting his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. "Jalen called me this morning.. told me what went down after I left."
Nico swallowed. "Is that all you came by to do? See if I was still alive?"
"You weren't picking up my calls," he said.
"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm alive," she said with her own shrug. "Is that all?"
The air was heavy and tense.
He licked at his bottom lip before pulling it between his teeth to chew on.
"Or did you wanna talk?" Nico asked cautiously, trying her best not to overstep.
She didn't know where things stood with them anymore but she knew there was no way he had driven all the way here, in the traffic of Black Friday shopping to just.. see if she was alive.
Carter pressed his lips together. "Yeah we can talk.."
"In here?" She gestured with her thumb to her apartment behind her, remembering she had guests over. "Or did you wanna go somewhere else?"
His eyes shifted past hers towards the door to her apartment. "Those are the dudes you was with last night?" He asked, having remembered the guy who opened the door and saw another one seated on the couch.
It took him aback for a moment, especially when one of them showed up at the door shirtless.
Nico nodded. "We're family friends."
"They staying with you?"
"Nah, they've been staying at Jada's.." she pointed with her finger to the apartment above hers. "Been here because they were taking care of me this morning.."
"Ahh," Carter said simply. "Yee, we can go inside.."
Nico turned around and opened the front door again.
Both men were surprised that Nico returned that quickly, they paused the game to look at her and were even more surprised there were no tears in her eyes.
"See I told you she'd be playaaaah shit," Malik muttered quietly when he saw Carter entering as well. "What's up?" He said when he got caught talking shit.
Angelo chuckled at his brother and Nico just shook her head.
"Angelo, Malik.. Carter. Carter, Angelo and Malik," she introduced.
The smell of testosterone overwhelmed her.
Carter shot them a nod before his gaze followed what they were watching on the TV, and he raised a brow at the PS5 console on there.
Nico had already walked off towards her bedroom and was quickly picking her clothes up off the floor by the time entered behind her.
She tossed the clothing into the hamper before shutting the bathroom door, but it was too late as the smell of bleach had escaped and hung in the air of her bedroom.
Carter took a seat on the edge of her bed and glanced around.
It'd been a while since he'd been in her room, and something looked off in his eyes as he looked around.
The room looked.. bigger.
"You got rid of the dresser?" He asked when he noted the extra amount of space at the foot of her bed that didn't use to exist.
Nico's brows furrowed as she looked at where he was looking before she remembered. "Oh yeah. A while ago, actually. Had to clear space because I'm getting a new bed. You were right.. this one's too small."
She was excited as it had been on back order for months now and she only recently got the email that it would be arriving before the year ended.
She prayed it would arrive before Christmas as a gift to herself, because she was ready to change up her apartment.
He nodded just as Nico came and sat down on the opposite edge of the bed, next to her headboard.
She pulled a throw pillow into her chest as she looked over at him as he looked around her bedroom, reacquainting him with the way things were.
He'd been gone for a while.
"What happens if Jalen doesn't call you this morning?" Nico inquired, pulling his attention from her closet onto her.
He thought the question over.
"I don't know what happens," he answered truthfully.
Would he have shown up?
Probably not.
"It's not like we accomplish much when we do talk.. feels kinda pointless.."
A frown pulled her features downwards.
"And if I'm being real, when I was leaving last night I swore in my head that was the last time I'd see you," he admitted.
"Why?"
His brows furrowed. "What do you mean why? I just said why... we don't have shit to talk about anymore, Nico. We broke up." Carter ran a stressed hand over his face. "You broke up with me... you ended shit with me. What am I supposed to do besides move on?"
He looked into her eyes as he spoke, and Nico found herself shying away from his intense gaze.
She bit down on her lip. "Try to work it out again..?"
He kissed his teeth. "Nah man. That's not an option."
Her frown deepened. "Why isn't that an option?"
"Because.."
He said nothing after that, and Nico found herself getting upset with his short answers.
"If we broke up and we don't have anything left to talk about then why did it matter to you to come talk to me when you were with another woman last night? Why was that important to you if we aren't gonna work it out? If we broke up, why are you here right now??"
He wasn't being honest with himself about where he stood with her, and she could see it.
Carter blew out a breath. "I'm here because it's hard to move on from this," he spoke gently. "I still love you, Nic. I can't come to terms with this shit. Not even two months ago I was sleeping in this bed with you," he pointed to the space between them. "I was planning a future around you. It's hard walking away from that shit.."
"So then why are you acting like it's so easy for you to move on?? When I say I've been feeling empty and sad and like there's this giant hole in my heart, you look at me like I'm insane. It's hard to move on... why are you making it seem easy?? Why are you doing it so willingly?"
She could see the frustration climbing his features.
"What else you want me to do??"
"Try again!" She screamed at him. "You walked away! You left me. You left when I begged you to stay," he voice trembled, the memory of his back last night vivid in her mind.
"What, you wanted me to stay? You were out your mind, taking whatever the fuck you took. Why the fuck do I gotta deal with that shit? We aren't together!"
She shook her head, ignoring everything he said. "You shoulda stayed," she repeated.
Carter narrowed his eyes at her. "This shit is not a movie," he said slowly, so she could understand him. "This is real life, Nico. The way I feel about you is real life. My feelings and my love for you is for fucking real. I'm not waiting around for you to choose when you want and don't want me."
She scoffed. "If I mean so much to you, then why isn't it an option to try again?"
"Because you broke up with me!"
"SO WHAT?!"
She felt like pulling her hair out if she heard him say those words ever again.
"I just told you I was planning my future around you, Nic. I talked about moving in together and having kids and marrying you and you threw all that shit away because of some words that I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING SAY TO YOU!"
Of course he was upset about the break up. It was a slap in the face to all the work he put into their relationship.
All the work they put in.
"You talking bout me walking away? You walked away first, man. You walked away first," he told her matter-of-factly.
Tears blurred her vision.
"You threw all that shit away and you know you wrong for it. That's what that hole in your heart is about."
"I didn't throw it away. I told you I didn't like Serena and you made me–"
"FUCK SERENA!" He yelled as he stood up and then immediately blew out a breath, upset he was raising his voice and getting visibly upset.
He took a deep breath.
"Look Nico.. I'm sorry about what she said but I'm not fucking Serena, alright? I'm not her. I didn't say that fucked up shit to you and I never told her about it. I don't know why I'm being punished for that shit. I had nothing to do with that. And I even put it on my grandma."
He held his head in his hands, getting frustrated all over again.
He should have known any 'talk' between them would just lead to shouting and screaming.
Nico didn't immediately have anything to say.
She was mostly surprised that he'd been harboring all of this, and for so long too.
Nico reached for the tissue box she kept on her nightstand and wiped her tears. "I feel like we're so far past the Serena thing at this point."
Their problems loomed larger now.
Carter chuckled bitterly at the irony of that, considering that was exactly where their problems began.
They sat in silence for a very, very long time.
Even though they didn't speak it, both of their minds went back to the last time they were together in this bedroom and they mourned the bittersweet memory of a couple that no longer existed.
"Did you have sex with her?" Nico asked, breaking the silence.
Carter paused for a moment, wondering who she was talking about before it dawned on him that she was referring to the woman from last night.
"Yeah," he answered.
It was like a punch to the stomach.
All the air was knocked outta her chest and she felt the lump forming in her throat.
Carter quickly shook his head when he saw more tears forming in her eyes.
"I coulda easily just lied to you about that but I didn't. I've never lied to you, Nico. Yes I fucked her," he stated bluntly.
She couldn't even be mad, but it was another punch to her gut hearing him repeat it.
"I actually wish you woulda lied.." she admitted, looking at her fingernails.
She couldn't look him in the eyes.
"If you didn't want the answer, you shouldna asked."
"Why are you being so mean to me, Carter?" She whispered softly. "I'm tryna fix us."
He looked over at her as she stared at the pillow in her lap.
"How you tryna fix us, Nic?"
She didn't have an answer for a long time, so they sat in silence while she thought.
"I need to fix me first," she finally answered as she swallowed before lifting her head to meet his gaze. "I can't even put into words how much hurt I felt last night. I actually felt like death would have been better for a moment, which is.. it's crazy," she whispered, still shocked by how warped her mind was. "And so unlike me. I don't know what's happened to me.."
His eyes softened.
"It's not healthy. I'm not healthy," she told him. "I already called my therapist to start seeing her again.."
"Why'd you quit?" He asked curiously.
She shrugged. "I finally got over Emi's death so I didn't think I needed it for much else.."
He nodded.
"Where's that leave us?" He asked, leaving the ball in her court.
"I don't know. I know I'm gonna need some time to get my shit together."
He immediately shut his eyes.
Time was the last word he wanted to hear.
Had there not been enough time between them?
"I don't mean long," she added quickly when she saw the look on his face. "Just.. enough to feel like Nico again. I haven't been feeling like myself for a while.."
"What like... a week? Two weeks?"
"End of the year?" She tried.
That gave her just over a month.
"And if I figure my shit out before then, I'll call you," she promised.
The two of them could always exist in comfortable silence, but never one as comfortable as the one they currently sat in.
Neither of them saying a word to one another as they cherished existing in each other's space in a way they didn't get to do the last time around.
"What happens if the year ends and you think you need more time? Or you decide you want differently and just never call?"
"I doubt I'll want differently, Carter," she tried reassuring him.
"But it's a possibility," he pointed out, feeling uneasy.
She said nothing.
Carter grumbled. "I'm not gone sit around waiting for your call."
"I don't want you to," she lied.
She didn't want him seeing anybody but she knew she was in no position to dictate that.
"But when I call, you'll pick up.. right?" She held her breath.
Carter pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he thought over her question........
Would he...?