An hour and a half later, I arrive in High Barnet and make the walk up the hill to our old faithful Misty Moon pub. I order a white wine spritzer – it's daytime after all and take a seat in the garden for a much-needed cigarette.
Lighting up, I take my phone out my bag for a scroll through social media and notice a message from Keaton:
Was really good to see you today - chat soon x
Still feeling a little freaked out by the conversation with Leila, I hold off responding and instead, put my headphones in to listen to some music. I text Leila to let her know I've arrived and then pull out my sunglasses. It's a warm summer's day and I finally start to relax as I sip my wine and listen to some Harry Styles.
After casually bopping my head with my eyes closed for a good 10 minutes, I faintly hear my name over the music. I open my eyes and lift up my sunglasses to see Pete, with a huge smirk on his face. It's been months since we last spoke or saw each other and I immediately feel self-conscious. I pull the headphones from my ears, "Pete! You startled me!" I say, standing to give him a friendly hug.
"Hello stranger! You looked like you were having a lovely time - almost a shame to disturb you!"
My cheeks flame with embarrassment and I give him a shy smile.
"So, how have you been? It's been... ages."
He raises his hand to the back of his head, and I can't help but notice he's cut his hair and has definitely been working out. He looks good, no, he looks great. If a little freaked out to see me.
"It has... I'm good thanks. Just biding my time before I head off to uni."
"That's great! Where are you going?" I say, gesturing him to sit at the table with me.
He looks unsure. "You're... not waiting here for anyone, are you?"
"Just Leila - please, take a seat."
He smiles, sits himself down in the chair opposite me and peers down at his phone.
"I'm off to Bristol... decided to take the plunge. What about you?"
"Oh wow, that's great news! Congratulations! I... got into Brunel and Middlesex, but I've not made my decision yet."
"When's the deadline?" He asks but seems a little preoccupied.
"Erm... Friday? So, I've got time."
"Yeah, you'll be fine." He smiles and his eyes crease a little at the sides as he looks over at the door. He seems on edge.
"What's going on, Pete? You seem weird."
"Nothing... what do you mean?" His answer is a little hostile and I know he's lying.
"Bullshit! I can tell something's up."
"It's just..." he sighs, "Ben's on his way here. I'm sorry, I should have mentioned it straight away, but I was just so surprised to see you!"
A flicker of panic runs through me but I suppress it fast. "Oh! I should've guessed when I saw you that he wouldn't be far behind."
Relief sets across his face. "So, you're not mad?"
"No, of course not. We were bound to bump into each other again... wasn't expecting it to be today but –"
As if on cue, the door swings open and Ben walks through, smiling. His hair is longer and a lot messier, and his usually clean-shaven appearance has been replaced with some serious stubble.
He freezes in place and his happy smile disappears, replaced by total shock. I smile politely at him before turning back to the table. Without a second thought, I reach for another cigarette.
"Holly? What are you–?" he looks to Pete for an answer.
"Hey man, look who I bumped into..." Pete replies, trying to remain casual. Ben stays frozen, unsure how to react. My hand is shaking as I light my cigarette and my heart is racing.
Recognising the severity of the situation, Pete stands. "Let me go and get the drinks in, mate." He paces to the door in record speed, leaving Ben and I alone in the garden.
The silence is palpable and in desperation, I try to fill it.
"So, how have you been?"
His eyes widen. "... how have I been? Are you serious? You mean since you abandoned me in Avebury, copped off with some guy at the Railway Tavern and then blocked me? Oh yeah, terrific, thanks." He says, his anger clear.
"Actually, I blocked you because you called me a slut. And that was before you scared the shit out of me, punching your dash and demanding me to get into your car. And I didn't "cop off" with anyone! Fuck!... do we have to do this? It's all in the past now."
"Well, that past is in my fucking present, so yes, we do need to do this now." His tone is firm, and I relent, gesturing to the chair opposite me. He walks over and sits down, his penetrating eyes studying me.
"So, what do you want to say Ben?" I ask, flicking my cigarette into the ashtray in the centre of the table.
He pulls his own cigarette out and I watch as he brings it to his lips and inhales deeply. My heart races even more and I'm suddenly aware of how much I'm probably staring at him. He sighs deeply. "I don't know..."
"Well, you're the one that wants to talk about it... " I ask, raising my glass to my lips. He watches closely as I gulp my drink. When I set it back on the table with a clink, he replies, "Look, I know I shouldn't have run away, I shouldn't have got pissed and I definitely shouldn't have gone home with that girl."
"Nell." I remind him, enjoying the wince on his face at her name. This should be fucking uncomfortable for him to relive, because it was devastating for me to live it.
"Right... Nell. I was trying to drink to forget that stupid text from Matt. Turned out she was drinking to do the same. You know what they say, misery loves company."
I sit in silence and stare at him, willing him to continue.
"I did go home with her that night. I was planning to take my mind off of you, with her... but I couldn't do it. I ended up puking my guts up and sleeping on the sofa. So, I didn't cheat, but I wanted to."
His honesty is refreshing, if a little raw to hear. I nod for him to go on.
"I was so mad when I saw you in the club - it looked like you'd immediately gone out and met someone else and... I handled it badly. It was only the next morning when that girl –"
"Nell." I add, again, reminding him of the realness of her in our situation.
"Yeah, right, Nell... she confirmed what you said about his mum owning the B&B and I felt stupid. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I think... no I did, I pretended I was cool with the whole Matt thing, but I wasn't. I can't – couldn't stand the thought of you being with anyone else."
I lean forward and I see the pain and sadness in his eyes. "... but if you had just told me that, if you had come back to the B&B and been honest, we could've worked through it. If you had just trusted me, none of this would've happened."
"I KNOW!" he says, raising his voice, before settling again. "I know that ok? You don't need to remind me how badly I fucked up; I've been living it for months..."
"You've been living it?! You don't think I've been suffering too?"
He scoffs. "You're the one that immediately went out to meet someone else and then just blocked me out of your life! Like I meant nothing to you."
I can feel myself getting angry but try and maintain civility. "I had to... you were toxic. I didn't go out to meet anyone else. I just wanted a night out with my friends without any drama from you! And then you called me easy and a slut for daring to try and have fun. You literally went crazy in your car! You scared me, I didn't recognise you. You once told me that you didn't want to bring me into the darkness... I was swimming in it. I had to pull myself out. When we were good, we were amazing. But you can't build a relationship on a few good memories, Ben, no matter how much you love someone."
His eyes widen and I quickly bring my hand to my mouth at the realisation of what I've said. He goes to speak but stops himself as the door swings open, and both Pete and Leila arrive. I'm sure he's been filling her in at the bar and she looks speechless. She takes a seat to my right, between Ben and I, and Pete takes the seat to my left. Ben and Leila exchange awkward hellos and we sit there in silence.
"So..." says Pete, breaking the tension, "what are you two up to tonight? Any plans?"
Leila shakes her head. "No plans, this was a bit of a random meet up to be honest. Holly went to visit Brunel earlier and then called me on her way home to meet for a drink."
"Oh cool! That's one of the Universities you're debating between, right?" He says in my direction. I nod. "That's right."
"So, what did you do, walk around the–"
"I thought you had your heart set on Middlesex?" Ben asks suddenly. I look at him, mildly surprised that he remembers.
"Erm... yeah, it's still in the running. But Brunel was recommended to me, so I thought I'd give it a go too."
"Who recommended it?" He asks, leaning in with interest.
"Just a family friend." I lie.
He nods but eyes me with suspicion.
"What are you both up to tonight?" I ask, trying to steer the subject away from me.
Pete clears his throat. "Erm, we hadn't quite figured that out yet, had we mate?"
Ben doesn't remove his gaze from mine but lightly nods his head in agreement.
Again, we sit in silence.
Leila stands, "I think this reunion calls for shots!" she says awkwardly, excusing herself.
"So, who is this 'family friend'?" Ben asks, reaching out for his drink.
"...The daughter of my mum's best friend. I've known her for years." I hesitate.
He swallows and puts his beer back down with a heavy hand.
"She must have quite the influence..." he says, taking a cigarette out of his box. Pete looks between us and stands. "I'm gonna help Leila with those shots..." he says and makes a swift exit from the table.
"What are you getting at, Ben?" I ask, ready to get to the point.
"The lady at that B&B we stayed at... she told me that her son, the one with the weird name, went to Brunel." I should've guessed he knew the second he started asking questions.
"And?"
"And, are you fucking him?" His tone is low, but his anger is clear.
"No. I'm not. Not that it's any of your business."
He sneers. "So, hang on a minute, you're changing all your plans for him? You hardly know him!"
"I hardly knew you and look where that got me!" I spit back.
"What are you talking about, Holly? You know me... You know me better than anyone." He says unquestioningly.
"I know you about as well as any other woman around here!" I say, the disgust in my voice clear.
"Bollocks! I never told anyone the things I told you!" He says, raising his voice a little more.
"Oh, I'm sorry, should I be grateful? Thanks for baring your soul to me Ben, don't worry about the fact that you treated me like shit and broke my fucking heart."
"You think I don't know that?! It haunts me every fucking day! And when you cut me out of your life, you broke mine too!" he shouts.
My jaw drops and I can't meet his eyeline as I come to terms with what he's just shared. Composing myself once again, we continue to sit and finish our cigarettes in awkward silence. Leila and Pete arrive with our shots and another round of drinks. Without a second thought, I neck the honey brown liquid - whisky and take my drink off the tray.
"Thanks guys, the next one's on me."
***
After another shot and another round, everyone seems to have loosened up a little.
"Remember our double date?!" Leila says giggling. Pete and I both start giggling along with her, but Ben, for obvious reasons, doesn't.
"I do! I was so grateful we didn't go to the cinema - I hate the idea of people going there on a first date."
"Good to know!" Pete jokes and I roll my eyes. "Why is that?" Leila asks, interested.
Ben leans forward again and smirks. "I bet I know."
I raise my eyebrows at him. "Go on then, why?"
He grins. "Because you love asking questions. You can't stand the thought of sitting in the dark for 2 hours, waiting to ask someone what their favourite food is."
I stare at him, bewildered. "How'd you know that?" I say, my voice barely a whisper.
"Because I know you, Holly. And you don't stop asking bloody questions!" He smirks and I can't help but laugh a little.
Leila looks between the two of us and says, "Another round?"
Ben stands "I got this - what do you fancy?"
"Another white wine please."
"Cool."
As he walks off, I can't help but call out: "aren't you going to ask me what I want?" He turns back to the table.
"Nope. It's evening and you're a few drinks in, so you want a rum and diet coke, right?" Surprised again, I nod, and he smiles. Pete gets up, a little puzzled and follows him inside.
I grab another cigarette as Leila says, "What in the actual fuck? Mate, what is going on today?!"
I shake my head. "I have no idea."
"You're both so clearly still into each other." she says, leaning back into her chair.
"What?! No chance." I say vehemently.
"Oh, come on! It's me! You can lie to yourself, but you can't fool me."
I roll my eyes.
"What happened when Pete and I left?" She asks, leaning in again.
"Not much - we fought. He knows that Keaton goes to Brunel."
"Oh shit, does he know he has a girlfriend?"
"Nope."
She looks confused. "Why didn't you tell him?"
"It's not his business!"
"Yeah, but now he'll think you're together."
"And?" I ask, taking a final deep drag on the cigarette before stubbing it out.
"And... you fucking idiot, he'll think he doesn't have a chance."
I laugh. "He doesn't! This doesn't change what happened."
"No... but you've changed. And he has! You know, Pete told me that this is Ben's first night out in months?"
My heart sinks.
"Apparently, he hasn't seen any of the boys. No parties, no women, no drugs. Nothing."
I lean back in my chair and exhale deeply.
"I'm just saying... there's still something there. Think about it."
The door swings open and the boys stroll in. For the first time tonight, Ben looks happy and relaxed. And Pete seems in good spirits too.
"Here you go, ladies!" says Pete, handing us our drinks.
"Thank you." I reply, glancing up at Ben. He's got a cheeky grin on his face as he sits down, and I wonder what's going through his mind.
"So, Holly," Leila asks, looking a little mischievous, "how was Brunel today? Have you made your decision?"
I narrow my eyes at her, wondering what her game plan is. "It was cool..."
"And how was Keaton?"
"Good..." I look over at Ben watching our exchange with interest.
"And you met his girlfriend, right? How was she?" Leila asks, looking pretty proud of herself. I realise I've been set up.
"...She was... lovely. Very sweet." I gently shake my head at her and sink half of my drink in one.
Reaching for yet another cigarette from the box, I can feel Ben's intense eyes burning into me like fire. My stomach churns and I watch him as I pull the cigarette to my lips and light it. He shares a small smile, and my heart starts racing again.
***
The bar chime signals last orders, so we decide to make our way in and have a final one for the road.
"What are you ladies doing now?" Asks Pete, looking pretty merry.
"Going home?" I reply, confused.
"No, we can't go home yet! The night's still young!" He says, swaying lightly.
Ben laughs and wraps his arm around Pete's shoulder. "Come on mate, you're pretty wasted... let's call it a night."
"No! The night is young and so are we. Everyone, back to mine!" He demands.
Leila and I start laughing.
"Mate, your mum and dad will kill you, and me, if we come back half cut trying to start a party."
"They're away this weekend and my brothers are out, so we'll be fine." Pete says, dramatically flailing his arms around. Ben looks between Leila and I to see if we're up for it.
Before I can say no, Leila says "Yeah, we'll come!"
My eyes widen and I instinctively elbow her in the ribs, but she just elbows me back. Ben swiftly orders us a cab and we file out into the street. The cab arrives a few minutes later - practically unheard of on a Saturday night - and we make our way to Friern Barnet. Fortunately, Leila sits in the middle of Ben and I, and Pete sits up front with the driver, so I spend the entire journey elbowing her in the ribs again for agreeing to this ridiculous plan.
10 minutes later, we arrive at Pete's house and Ben pays the cab driver. As we walk to the door, I whisper to Leila, "You're a fucking bitch, you know that, right?!"
"Takes one to know one... bitch!" she responds, and we both start giggling.
"Besides, Pete is pretty hot and I'm single again, so shut up. It's not all about you."
I raise my eyebrows in surprise and we both start laughing.
Pete's house is seriously Instagram worthy - full of amazing artwork and lavish furniture. We all head into the kitchen, which is open plan and has an enormous island in the middle. Leila, Ben, and I take a seat at the bar and Pete heads to the drinks cart to grab one of the bottles of vodka. He heads into the fridge and pulls out some beers and orange juice, before walking to one of the many cupboards lining the walls and pulling out a few plastic barbecue glasses. Smart choice.
I opt for a beer, and Leila jumps straight on the vodka. "This night is missing some music!" says Leila, taking her first sip and grimacing at the taste. "Yes! My kind of girl!" Pete agrees and pulls out his phone. He loads up Spotify and as if by magic, David Bowie plays through speakers dotted throughout the rooms. He keeps it low, to avoid irritating the neighbours.
"I love this song!" Says Leila in high spirits.
"Oh man, me too... Bowie is the best!" Says Pete, animatedly.
They seem to be getting on well, so I excuse myself and head through the sliding doors and into the garden for a smoke.
I look into my box and notice that I'm almost out. I'm cursing myself for not picking some up from the off license when Ben appears.
"Everything ok?" he asks, closing the door behind him.
"Yeah, fine... running out of cigarettes." I say, jiggling the pack at him.
"Here," he says, pulling his own from his pocket, "have one of mine." I politely accept and we walk over to sit on the wicker sofa on the deck.
"This has been one of the strangest days I've had in quite some time." I admit to him, as I light up.
"Me too." He agrees.
"I've not seen you out in a while..." I say, broaching the subject that Leila mentioned earlier.
"... yeah... I decided to take a break." He sounds a little guarded, so I don't mention the subject further. Nodding, I take another drag of my cigarette and sigh.
"So, he's got a girlfriend?" He asks and I know he's talking about Keaton. I inwardly curse Leila.
"Uh-huh..."
"And how do you feel about that?" He asks earnestly.
I swallow. Since when did he start asking so many bloody questions?
"Fine... we're just friends. Barely friends to be honest. You know, he was surprised to hear we weren't back together, actually."
Ben looks surprised.
"I know, right?! After everything."
He sighs. "Don't remind me."
We sit silently for a few seconds, before Ben says, "If I could take it all back, Holly, I would."
I nod and sigh. "I know, me too. You seem... different."
He smiles. "I am different."
"What's up with that?" I joke and he laughs.
"I guess heartbreak will do that to you." he shrugs and takes another drag on his cigarette.
Once again, my heart starts racing out of my chest. Nervously at the involuntary reaction to the man in front of me, I get up to leave. But when I turn to the door, I see Leila and Pete all over each other in the kitchen.
I go to laugh but pull my hand over my mouth to stop myself. Ben turns and also silences his reaction to the duo. "I think we should leave them to it... they make a cute couple." he says. I nod and sit back down, the air growing thick around us.
"So, have you made your mind up yet?" Ben asks, and I look to him to elaborate.
"Your university decision? Have you chosen?"
I nod my head a little. "Yeah, I think I have."
He smiles. "Good for you Hols, I'm proud of you." I raise my bottle of beer and we clink them together in an unspoken cheer.
"We did it. We lasted the whole evening without killing each other. I consider that a big win." A shiver runs down my back and I suck the air in.
"Are you cold?" he asks, standing to take off his coat.
I raise my palm up to halt him. "I'm ok - let's just go in... they've had their fun."
"Holly, wait! Just one last thing?" I nod.
"Can you please unblock me... again?"
I nod again and stand. We grab our beers and walk back into the kitchen, surprising Leila and Pete. I start giggling, which sets Holly off.
"Thank you both for a lovely evening, but Leila and I should really be getting home."
Leila groans but doesn't put up a fight. I order an Uber, give Pete a hug and awkwardly wave bye to Ben.
"I'll meet you outside, mate." I say to Leila, before walking out the door.
When the front door opens, I swing around to talk to Leila and find Ben standing there.
"I hope I didn't scare you - I just wanted to give them a minute to say goodbye." He says, putting his hands into his pockets.
A few seconds later, Leila opens the door and Ben takes her place inside. Our cab arrives and we jump in.
Leila drifts in and out of sleep on the cab route home, so I decide to pull out my phone. It's time I unblock Ben. I remove him off my block list and drop the phone back in my bag. I drop Leila at home first, making sure she gets in safely and then head home.
After removing the make-up from my face, I grab my phone, a glass of water and hop into bed. I notice a text and see Ben's name appear onscreen.
It's lyrics from The Used 'Greener with the scenery'. I feel my heart sink. Another message appears, this time I recognise the lyrics from 'Lunacy fringe'. I smile and lay my phone back on the bedside table. It flashes to life again. Ben. This time with lyrics from 'With me tonight'. The lyrics are all incredibly heartfelt and emotional and I immediately assume he's drunk at Pete's, so I decide to message him.
You boys still drinking?
No way, Pete's tucked up in bed snoring so fucking loudly, so I'm listening to music on my headphones.
The Used, eh?
Yeah, some girl got me into them...
I smile.
She sounds pretty cool.
She's the best.
My chest tightens at his message. As I turn to put my phone back on the bedside table, another text flashes onscreen.
If you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I'll never let you down again. I love you. Sweet dreams xx
And just like that, I'm wide awake.