Tae never hated his mom like Jimin assumed him to. He loves her so much more than he showed. But what he was more scared of than anything was getting caught up with her, he was scared of the unconditional love she has for his father, who is never worthy of the love she has for him.
He was scared of the woman who loved her own abuser and he was scared of getting influenced by her. And that's the reason he kept his distance and why he tried to run away from her.
But with Jimin leaving him behind she was the only companion he had for that one year before she too left him alone to deal with the cruel world he was born into.
Tae has not yet accepted his mom's death completely. And he didn't have any idea about why she killed herself when she didn't gave him any kind of signs of being suicidal. He doesn't know what triggered her to do it. And he was desperate to know it.
The only thing he knew was that when he returned home on a cold December night after visiting his dad in his company, he was welcomed by his mom's cold body on the floor of her room.
He kept on begging her not to leave him alone. But there was no response from her because she was already long gone to answer her son.
He was confused and scared not knowing what had happened for her to do this even though he could easily conclude it was because of his dad.
But he had seriously no idea that she was nearing her breaking point which was sure to come but he didn't know she would give up like this without even giving him a chance to persuade her not to do that.
She couldn't just agree with him and move out of that wretched place but she could just leave him all alone in the world. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't even show his sorrows in front of his dad, scared of getting mocked by him.
But he didn't want to just give up like her. He thought that maybe one day he will get the answers for the question that he kept on asking her on the way to the hospital which never was replied.
And getting to know the reason for her sudden demise was one thing that kept on pushing him to live despite his temptation to end it all. But he was scared to commit suicide and this fear was also making him hating himself.
A part of him has still been salty and hating her for leaving him like that and he told himself that he's not yet ready to forgive her.
But the other half yearns for her because he has no one else to open up to. That's why he is still talking to her, when the night comes and she comes to see him again in the sky.
Whenever he feels anger towards her he goes to the rooftop. Because there where he feels her presence he couldn't stay upset with her.
All together he is a mess..
When he's under the starry night sky, he can't hate her..
Tae likes to spend his time outside. No it's nothing like this. It's just him forcing himself to stay outside because within the four walls when he thinks of her he feels suffocated and he would start blaming her for leaving him alone.
But outside, when he could stare at the sky where she is as a star watching over him, where he could still see her loving smile and gentle caresses he could never hate her and he doesn't want to hate the woman he once loved so much and that's the reason why he chose to stay outside when it's too much to handle.
But you can't blame him ever for being like this because when the loneliness creeps in, when you remember how the only person you have by your side has left you to fetch for yourself, when memories of your suffering days after she left you alone hits you like a storm, it's not possible to stay sane and declare that despite everything you will love her more than anything.
No he's also a human, a boy who was abandoned by his only support system at the tender age of fourteen when it was only few days left for him to turn fifteen when the memory of how his best friend who has left him alone after promising to stay together till the end just a year ago was still haunting him like a nightmare.
And it's not easy to forget everything after the mental torture he was forced to go through ever since he was literally made an orphan.
So the pain, the scars that were still intact in his soul, everything was making it unable to recover from the shock he suffered.
But then he developed a habit of staying out of the warm indoors on cold chilly nights when his mind kept giving him memories of the icy cold body of his mom. He was actually torturing himself by trying to go through the same thing for failing to protect her even though it wasn't entirely his fault that she gave up after the long battle.
But as years passed he grew immune to the frosty weathers he grew a liking for because it made him feel like he could relate to his mom's feelings when she neared her last moments.
And why is Tae unfazed in the cold weather?
He has found his dead mother's body in the cold floor of her room with no one beside her. Even though he wasn't the one at fault in any way, he still feels that she wouldn't have done that if he hadn't given her the chance by leaving her alone for a day.
So inorder to torture himself and to get rid of the guilt, he started spending time out in the nights when the temperature falls. It was a kind of coping mechanism he adopted for him not to feel the pain and as years went by, his body was getting used to this, it was able to stay unaffected by it.
In the first year, he used to get sick because of the cold temperatures he was exposed to. But then his body started to adopt this.
Another habit that he grew fond of was stargazing. Because he feels like it was his mom who is there as a star in the night sky.
He hasn't accepted her death entirely but he felt happier when he could see the countless stars scattered on the sky. Because one among them might be his mom, watching over him with her lovely eyes.
But after years he has somehow accepted her death. But he was angry at her for being selfish. But it was just pretending. He could never hate her. Because she meant the world to him. It's just his emotions getting the best of him at times.
He didn't tell Jimin of her death because he didn't want to face the interrogation that would surely follow if he disclosed the secret. But also some part of him wants to live in the illusion that his mom is still alive and he could achieve it in the conversation with Jimin.
Even though he accepted the reality he didn't want to let go of his methods which he adopted to stay close to her. If he hasn't accepted her death, why would he simply grow fond of the stars adorning the sky.
He wasn't fond of the stars like others thought, he was yearning to feel the love and care of his mom who he believes is one of the countless stars in the sky.
Tae was so sad that she left him even without a goodbye. But just when he has passed away years with that guilt and sorrow still weighing him down and he is never going to receive anything more from the person he loves the most, he got the first email from her.
He was skeptical at first as he saw the user name in his inbox. But after he opened the letter and read what was written he didn't have to think much before concluding it's from her. Because the person who had written the letter knew very well how much he loves her.
And there are only two people who know what she was to him. That's just his parents. And by knowing his dad, he was sure that it's not something that the old man would do, how much of a vicious person he was. And thus he was sure that it's from her.
And he wasn't really bothered about how she managed to send him the letter after more than five years of leaving him alone to deal with all the demons she has made him acquainted with.
Because there were ways in which this could be made happen. And she has written to him through an application in the email called ' email me later' which was an option to save the draft with a future date set for it to be sent later.
And seemingly she was already preparing to leave him when she had written those drafts for him which she was not going to tell him face to face. She was planning to go but still she doesn't want him to be all alone. So she had set the dates in such a way that he could receive them occasionally as if from a person he is close to.
But Tae was not really a patient one ready to wait till he received them one by one on the dates in which his mom has decided him to know about the things she has left incomplete to be said. Because he wants to know of her reasons for leaving him especially after knowing now that she had planned it long ago and it was not a decision taken on impulse.
And no wonder she was too eager to send him away that night so that he wouldn't save her from taking her own life.
So he went to Daegu looking for any means of getting hold of the system she had used back then. He could have employed a hacker to do that for him,to find her email password so that he could check the saved drafts that are going to reach him in the future.
But he was aware of his dad's hold on everything that belonged to her. So he chose to avoid the easiest means not wanting to take a risk.
But even after searching so much in the mansion he has decided not to step his foot ever into, he couldn't find it and he has returned back with a devastated mind. And that was the reason for him to be so restless and reckless after he came back to the campus.
But on return he was met with another great surprise which only dampened his mood. And it was about the growing friendship between Jungkook and Hayun. But being so lost in his own worries and anxiety, he chose to ignore it because he has always trusted the boy.
But his world crumbles down on the day Yoona has conveyed something that he was not aware of. That's Hayun being Jungkook's ex. And one after one, surprises and shocks were choking him up, suffocating him until he burst out. And it only worsened the situation.
He couldn't get a hold of the letters that may help him to calm himself down but they didn't stop coming in. And it was the last letter that he got from her which served to be the last straw because in the letter, she has finally confessed the reason why she left him and being someone who has been with her till she let go finally, he was able to tell that she was just spouting nonsense.
" I'm sorry baby for choosing my own freedom over you..but I have to go before it's too late, before more sufferings are on my way..."
It was just a few words but it was screaming millions. Because Tae knows how much she must have forced herself to take that decision. The death must have been an easy escape for her from the miserable situation she was in. But it also meant leaving behind the man you loved.
And knowing that it was the same reason which has forced her to stay in the mansion when she could have begun a new life elsewhere, he was able to tell that the letter was just a lie weaved to make him less guilty but it never worked because it made Tae to throw himself on the bed and sob harder unable to hold it in anymore.
" Why did you lie, mom? I know very well that you would never choose yourself over me!"
He knew that she wouldn't leave if there was no other choice and it was entirely right because she has no other option than to leave the mansion forever with him to get Tae out of that hell before it really does what it did to her. But she couldn't bring herself to start a new beginning somewhere else, far away from her so-called husband. Because she was madly in love with him however absurd it may sound.
And in order to not hurt both of them she took a decision she shouldn't have. And without knowing that this decision was the one which would break her baby more than anything, she planned her departure calmly right in front of him.
She wrote those emails and scheduled them to be sent to him later when she would be long gone while her loving eyes were lingering on her baby.
And she got what she wanted even though she was not present there to witness it or maybe she could watch it from among the stars with a relieved sigh. Tae has finally left the place and moved on from the memories haunting him day and night but at least that's what she expected to happen.
But what she didn't know at that time when she took that knife in her hand was that she was taking from him the last reason to live.
And her sacrifice was going to be nothing but a waste if Tae hadn't bumped into the love of his life in Seoul.