Grimmauld Place was quiet. Remus, Tonks, and Andromeda left you alone. Kreacher didn't talk around you like he used to. Your friends stopped writing letters when you never responded back. After the funeral, everyone came to the same conclusion. You needed time. And a lot of it. The only thing that broke through to you was Padfoot. Even the plants in the attic had been neglected. You had big plans to work on your alchemy over the summer and they all fell through.
You arrived at the Burrow with Remus and Tonks. It was agreed that having people in Grimmauld would not be taking your mental health into consideration. No one ran to you when you walked in. They all just watched and waited for you to put down Padfoot but you never did. You weren't even excited to see Fleur or hear of the engagement between her and Bill. You merely gave your former Alchemy classmate a wave.
"Where's Harry?" you asked before coughing.
"Not here yet. He's coming with Dumbledore in a minute."
You nodded and said you'd be upstairs. Mrs. Weasley pulled Remus aside.
"She's coughing again?"
"Not from screaming," he reassured. "She just doesn't say more than two words a week. She hasn't this entire summer. If she talks more, it's to the cat."
"Do you think she'll come down for dinner?"
Remus shook his head. True to Remus' word, you hadn't come down for dinner. They weren't sure if you had gone to bed or not. Eventually as each person passed by the bedroom you were in, they could see a light underneath it. It was late into the night when someone knocked on your door.
"Come in," you said almost barely above a whisper.
Harry poked his head through the doorway. "(Y/N)?"
He didn't expect you to run to him. Harry was barely given time to breathe before you were kissing him. You closed your door, keeping your back against it. At first, Harry kissed you back before pulling away because he felt like something was wrong. You looked at him before dropping your head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," you said.
"Not that I don't love snogging you but... that wasn't you, (Y/N). What's wrong, love?"
You met his eyes. "I need to feel something, I haven't since..."
Harry kissed your forehead and held you close. "I'm not taking advantage of you and snogging you up and down the Burrow, but I'll stay here tonight if you want."
"Please?"
You went back to the bed and closed your eyes while Harry changed into pajamas. He held you close to him, drumming patterns on your back until you fell asleep. You clutched onto him in your sleep in the same way you had been holding your cat for most days.
Harry couldn't believe that Remus considered this the better version of how you had been. The first bit of your summer was riddled with crying so much they thought you might pass out from dehydration. You had finally moved into the stage of not feeling anything. According to Remus, a step in the right direction but Harry didn't believe it much. He turned over so you were both on your sides— you didn't stir at all. Pressing a faint kiss to your shoulder, Harry went to sleep.
Morning didn't bring much change to you. Harry reluctantly gave you a kiss after you begged and said he wouldn't be taking advantage of you. He pulled away before it could turn into snogging. Ron informed Ginny and Hermione that Harry hadn't come to his room to sleep and they all could assume where he was. It was like everyone moved around you. They learned how. You would sit on the couch or in the Weasleys' garden. If you were holding Padfoot, they knew not to even try speaking. If you weren't or you sat next to one of them, they could talk but they shouldn't expect a reply back. You started sitting at the dinner table for meals. You barely ate. Mrs. Weasley wouldn't let you up from the table until you took a few bites.
They were glad to see you were no longer in black— not completely. You were wearing all your Hufflepuff stuff, adding the splash of yellow. Considering at dinner on the first night Remus told them that you had been wearing only Sirius' clothes before progressing to black, the addition of yellow was very much welcomed. You came downstairs after everyone else and dropped Padfoot next to Harry. He absentmindedly petted your cat as you went to get water. Mrs. Weasley wouldn't let you leave the kitchen until you ate a scone. You sat on the couch and flopped your head onto Harry's shoulder. He poked at your shirt.
"This looks nice."
"Thank you. I thought I should try to be happy for Fred and George."
You all were going to Diagon Alley to get school supplies and check out Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes now that it was up and running. You reluctantly left Padfoot behind, holding onto Harry's hand instead. Diagon Alley resembled you. Almost all life had been sucked out of it. Voldemort being back and Sirius marked as his first official kill made the entire wizarding world scared. You almost enjoyed it in a bit of a sadistic way. If they had listened in the first place, your father would have been alive. So they all deserve to suffer a bit— it wouldn't compare to how you were. You left the Weasleys when you spotted Draco getting his robes refitted. Narcissa immediately roped you into a hug as you entered the store. She turned solemnly to Draco.
"Look after each other, you're the only family you've got left."
Draco nodded before looking at you. You didn't smile or do anything really so they let you out of the store. You didn't go back to the Weasleys right away. You marched to Gringotts and did the thing you had been avoiding all summer— closing Sirius' bank account and putting all the money back in yours. It was the final step in letting your dad go. You told yourself that once you closed his account, you would work on feeling happy again. But wallowing felt nice. You thanked the goblins and made your way to Fred and George's shop. Everyone was already outside.
"He's replaced his father, why else was he in that shop?" You heard Harry ask.
"I don't know but would You-Know-Who even let Malfoy join?" Hermione asked.
A fight wasn't what you wanted. You ignored what they said and walked up as if you didn't hear. They got quiet as if they hadn't just been gossiping about your cousin. You wanted to find a time to bring it up that wouldn't cause an argument. By the time you sat down on the Hogwarts Express, you still hadn't found the proper time. You finished putting up your trunk and went to find Harry who was getting something from the trolley right outside. He was surrounded by a bunch of girls. Somehow, Harry became the very interesting Chosen One to everyone. It's like they forgot he had a girlfriend. Or didn't care. That became apparent when you heard Romilda Vane introduce herself.
"You could come to our compartment, it's got to be more interesting than (Y/N)'s wallowing."
You exited the compartment and none of them seemed apologetic. Harry's arm snaked around your waist. You grabbed at his sweater and snogged him. The girls scoffed and walked away. You glared at the spot where they had just been. Harry squeezed at your sides, making you look at him.
"Romilda Vane isn't taking me away from you... but that was kind of hot."
"We can snog more in the compartment, Ron and Hermione are already harassing the first years and letting everyone know they're the prefects. It'll be empty for a bit."
Harry went to move his hands from your waist but you stopped him.
"You aren't taking advantage of me. I broke up once with Cedric to try and recover and it didn't work, I don't want to break up with you."
"I don't want you to break up with me either."
"I closed my dad's account at Gringotts, we moved all of his stuff into the attic at home. I'm a prefect again. I'm supposed to be working on my Alchemy project, helping in Potions. I can't do any of that if I shut down. I spent the summer sad or feeling nothing... I want to feel something again and I do with you."
"Are you sure?"
"Harry, please kiss me."
You were forced to walk backwards as Harry put his lips on yours and moved from the hallway to the compartment. With one hand, he practically slammed the sliding door shut. You pulled Harry down until he was resting most of his weight on one hand as you two laid down on the train seats. It was desperate. You knew it. You wanted him to make you feel breathless because it would mean feeling something. Like you felt jealous when those girls were talking to him. Was it right? No, but feeling jealously felt better than feeling emptiness or even apathy. The kiss couldn't have been more aggressive if you tried. You both pulled away to catch your breath for a moment, laughing when you met each other's eyes.
"I missed that sound coming from you," Harry said.
You didn't get the chance to answer because he was kissing you again. One hand took your chin and tilted your head back even more. You were forced to break apart when someone knocked on the compartment door. Harry opened it and you sat up straight at recognizing the third-year Hufflepuff. She was holding a scroll in her hand.
"Professor Slughorn wants to invite you to lunch in his compartment... he said to tell you that he wanted to speak to you later, (Y/N), when you weren't still grieving."
Harry said a small thanks and she skittered away. He opened the invitation to see exactly what she had said. He held it up and you understood that he had to go. He pressed a kiss to your hairline and closed the compartment door behind him. The moment Harry left, you felt kind of empty.
You sat back down and just watched the scenery go by. You needed to find yourself sooner rather than later you decided because you couldn't just use Harry to make you feel again. He didn't return after the lunch hour was over. You didn't have time to wait for him. Little ones needed you and you were a prefect. Changing into robes, you gave yourself a look in the hand mirror you brought. You practiced a smile in the mirror.
"I can do this, keep smiling and it'll be real one day."
The smile definitely felt forced but the young students were none the wiser. You looked around Gryffindor, confused as to why you didn't see Harry. It wasn't until the sorting had finished that you watched him walk in with a bloody nose. There wasn't a lot of time to think about him. You were leading the new group of first years to the common room— lying about the streak never being broken on letting an outsider in. By the time you got to your room, your cheeks hurt. You pulled out the diadem— Sirius' first gift— and set it on your nightstand next to the photo of you and your dad that Andromeda took over the holidays. Padfoot meowed and you nodded.
"I miss him too, buddy. But we've got to keep going... hello?"
You opened your door to see a first year. He seemed a bit panicked. "I've never spent the night away from my brother. We're twins and he was put in Gryffindor."
"Well, it's curfew so we can't sneak out— not that I'm ever recommending that. But, the kitchens are technically open to Hufflepuffs after hours. Do you like hot chocolate?"
You closed your door and led the boy to the kitchens where Kreacher and Dobby made two glasses of hot chocolate. The first year seemed calm enough to go to bed. You knocked on the barrels— it was now the one in the very center. Making sure the boy got upstairs first, you finally went to bed.
The morning of schedules was complicated. You gave out schedules along with the fifth year prefects because you had already had your schedule confirmed with Professor Sprout. All the other sixth and seventh years were getting their schedules checked by the Head of their House. Just like last year, the younger students laughed as you smacked Ron and Harry in the head with schedules whenever you passed by— this time adding Seamus, Neville and Dean to the mix. Harry grabbed your wrist as the fifth schedule went to hit him. He pulled you close. You scrunched up your nose when you heard oohs coming from behind you.
"Harry Potter, this is very unbecoming behavior of a prefect."
"But smacking me with a schedule isn't? You seem better this morning."
"I'm trying."
"You're doing great." He pecked your lips and you heard squeals from your table.
McGonagall ignored the two of you as she grabbed Harry's schedule. "You don't want to be an Auror anymore, Potter? You haven't applied for N.E.W.T. level Potions."
"I wanted to but I only got an E on my Potions O.W.L., I needed an O."
"When Professor Snape was Potions teacher," McGonagall started. "Lucky for you Professor Slughorn is content with letting students that scored E take the class... and while not forbidden, brazen public displays of affection are frowned upon. You have read the school handbook, haven't you, Professor?"
"Yes, Professor," Harry said as he let go of you. "Wait, Prof— who's a professor?"
You handed out the last schedule you were holding to the Hufflepuff right behind you. The rest of the Golden Quartet looked at you before Dumbledore stepped up to the podium. You said nothing, sitting at the Gryffindor table. Dumbledore cleared his throat and everyone who wasn't currently getting a schedule checked looked at him.
"We meant to announce this yesterday but circumstances still felt a little wrong. However, the school year is starting and after talks last night, we have decided to proceed according to plan. Many of you know your fellow classmate (Y/N) Black became an alchemist two years ago. As the only living alchemist, we are happy to have her bring back alchemy to Hogwarts as an official class. Alchemist Black, do you have any words?"
Your friends watched with jaws dropped as you left your schedule at the table and began to walk up to the front of the Great Hall. Ron opened the scroll and gave a half scoff half laugh while looking at it.
"She's taking only two classes. Defense Against the Dark Arts and Charms."
A chorus of 'what' came from around him. Ron passed it around to the DA members at the Gryffindor table. They all read the same thing, not believing it. They all looked at you when you reached the front. You fiddled with your prefect badge before looking at everyone.
"Hello." You gave a little wave.
"HI (Y/N)!" Dean screamed at the top of his lungs, making the whole room laugh and you relax a bit.
"Right, hello. I know everyone's seen what's happened in my family. I am still processing it but after speaking with Professor Dumbledore, I decided that I want to continue with plans we discussed towards the end of last school year. Alchemy is available to start taking. For anyone in seventh year, I probably just wouldn't take it because you won't have another year to do your own project. Sixth years are welcome to try but it might be the same as seventh years. And for anyone in fifth year and under, it's an intense class and honestly you might not be successful but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You're going to be taking advanced bits of all your other classes to do this. I hope to see some faces in class, thank you."
You walked away before running back up, making Harry laugh.
"Oh, I'm still available to help in Potions but I'd like to make a recommendation. If you need any help in Herbology, ask Neville Longbottom. He really knows his plants."
You nodded in confirmation to yourself that you said everything you meant to say. Neville gave you thanks when you got back to the table. You told him that he should ask Professor Sprout about taking your spot as a professor's assistant. Neville knew his way around a greenhouse just as well as, maybe even better than, you did.
"How are you only taking two classes?" Seamus asked. "You passed N.E.W.T.s but shouldn't you still have at least Transfiguration and the other classes we just took O.W.L.s for?"
"There wasn't much I could do over summer so I took N.E.W.T.s for the classes that I hadn't bothered with yet. McGonagall let me finish Transfiguration because of my Animagus status, it's not like I was ever improving anyway."
The others were talking about what you just said. While breakfast was being eaten, students were debating whether they should take Alchemy. People kept going back and forth to the professors table to ask their Head of House to either put it on or take it off of their schedule. You flopped your head on Harry's shoulder and he looked down when you sighed. He patted your cheek.
"You don't have to try all day. When you're alone or with us at the table, you can stop, you know."
"If I'm not trying all the time, will it get better?"
"I think it will. You could only try for an hour a day and it would eventually get better."
"Thank you, Harry."
"No problem... you don't happen to have the books for Potions this year? I didn't buy the N.E.W.T level one."
"Sorry, I don't. But Slughorn's got to have extra copies. I wish Dumbledore told me he was taking Snape's spot, I wouldn't have agreed to be a professor's assistant if I knew it wasn't Snape."
"That's exactly why he didn't tell you. He hasn't been telling much of anything lately."
You looked up. "Is something going on?"
"No. Not yet anyway. I don't think you should worry about it, though. You should be focused on recovering completely."
"Alright, but tell me if something is going on."
"I will."
You lifted your head up completely. Breakfast was almost over— people had already begun leaving to get to their classes. You gave Harry a kiss.
"I have to go set up for class, I'll see you in Defense Against the Dark Arts."
You got up and walked out of the Hall. Your classroom wasn't too high up in the castle. The room looked like a copy of the Hufflepuff common room. The front was full of mismatched armchairs, beanbags, and sofas. There was a large chalkboard in front of the furniture and your desk was angled off to the side of the board. The back held lab tables and a few individual desks. The entire sides and back of the room were lined with low shelves.
While you couldn't work on your own alchemy project, you managed to finish going through Flamel's journal. He marked a lot of findings to never finished projects that inspired your ideas for class. Being the only fully realized alchemist that was still living meant you got to decide how alchemy existed. You decided that it would flourish. You didn't believe in hiding how you created things. Not only would Hogwarts students learn practical alchemy but you would gladly share it with all the other wizarding schools around the world. It shouldn't have been a class of just theory anymore.
Of course, there were still lines you wouldn't cross. No one was going to learn how to make the Philosopher's Stone. You agreed with Flamel destroying it after Voldemort almost got it— there would not be another one. No one was going to know that you had Flamel's journal. You stood by your principle that no one should live forever and so— at least in your class— you refused to teach how to create the Elixir of Life.
A sigh of relief left your lips when you saw that your first class of the morning was filled with a bunch of nervous first years. A schedule suddenly appeared written in the corner of your chalkboard. You assumed it was Dumbledore or Professor Sprout's doing. All first years interested had class first period on Thursdays and Fridays because technically they already had full schedules. First period on Tuesdays and Wednesdays were given to all second years for the same reason. The rest was split throughout the week like other electives with students from all Houses at a time and done around your schedule— which wasn't hard when you only had two classes. The kids sat at the tables in the back.
"Come up to the sofas. This is where we're having most of class. Sit where you want."
They grabbed their bags and moved up. You moved to stand in front of your chalkboard.
"Technically, I think you're supposed to call me Professor so go ahead and call me (Y/N). Don't be nervous. I'm much nicer than everyone else, especially Professor Snape."
You found yourself smiling when they laughed. You grabbed a beanbag and sat down with them.
"Alright. What is Alchemy?"
You called on them one by one, shaking your head as they gave wrong answers.
"Alchemy is finding the highest and lowest point of existence. Some of you mentioned metal to gold or immortality. Those are examples. Metal's highest existence is gold, life's highest existence is immortality. We aren't just going to focus on the highs and lows. There's a lot of fun in the middle as well. You won't be doing big things this year but if you continue taking this class, by fifth year everyone will have turned salt to gold. And by seventh year you will be able to take up one of two established projects, either recreating a restorative medicine from Alchemist Dzou Yen or turning any liquid into water. Some of you may even come up with projects on your own."
"What do we get to do this year then?"
"Reading. A lot of reading but also learning certain skills that your peers might not learn until third or even fourth year. And I do have some tiny things planned along the way. Should we get started?"
The sixth years walked in to see first years excitedly talking to each other as they left class. Your back was turned as you erased the board to write new notes, not knowing that the others had already come in. Based on the looks of the younger students, the sixth years thought that maybe Alchemy was going to be fun. They stopped watching the first years leave and turned to look at you when you muttered an 'oh no'. The enchanted chalk had left your hand and was now floating where you couldn't reach. You stretched your fingers to no avail. Pulling your wand out, you pointed at your chalk.
"Accio chalk... oh come off it, you know I can't do magic very well. Just return to my hand, please."
The students snickered when you stomped your foot at the chalk not coming back.
"Accio chalk."
You turned to see all of your classmates standing at the doorway of the classroom. Harry was holding the chalk piece in his hand. Having seen where the first years had been sitting, everyone automatically walked to the furniture. Harry handed you the chalk.
"Thank you, I think Dumbledore forgot that I would struggle with enchanted chalk. I'm going to have to get normal ones," you said as you put the floating chalk back in the little cage with the others.
You looked around to see who all had taken your class, surprised and encouraged that it was your friends. It was basically all of DA plus your cousin and his friends. That part worried you a bit, Draco being in class with everyone else. Tension seemed high this year before it even started and a fight was the last thing you wanted to deal with. You weren't even sure if you could deal with it. You sat back down on your beanbag.
"You all make me nervous, I think I liked the first years better. Um, this won't be easy. The babies get their class spread out through all seven years at school, you guys get two. We're going to condense theory and practical work all into a year. And unlike fifth years, you don't get two or three years to work on final projects. You only get seventh year."
Draco sat back on the loveseat. "I think we're up for the challenge."
The rest of them echoed agreement. You looked at your cousin who gave a nod of reassurance.
"Okay. Well, here's the plan. The end of this year is about turning salt into gold. Before that we'll be doing helium from sunlight, selenium from moonlight, oxygen bubbles from water, and light into solid colors that you can touch. Sound good?"
"Sounds great, (Y/N). What books are we supposed to have?" Dean asked.
"I haven't gotten that far... I had to look through multiple books when I took this class. There isn't one solid alchemy textbook, it needs to be created. But everyone buying or even borrowing hundreds of books isn't helpful either."
"Then what do we do?"
"I'm working on it. For now, Harry, can you multiply these pages for me?"
He did as you asked and you handed out the pages to everyone. The first thing was understanding the basics of Alchemy. They had an advantage at having learned most of the potions needed. You weren't completely rushing them but it still would be a challenge. Everyone piled out of class as it ended except for the Golden Quartet. Harry helped you up from the beanbag.
Hand in hand you walked to one of the two classes you had— Defense Against the Dark Arts. You immediately separated from Harry before the two of you entered the classroom. Based on Snape's previous reaction to the two of you attempting to hold hands, it was an awkward moment that you didn't want to relive. You went up to the front to speak to Snape.
"I failed my O.W.L.s, I shouldn't be in this class. It's N.E.W.T. level. Shouldn't I be with the others who failed?"
"Even if you can't perform practical magic, your connection with Voldemort has Dumbledore very concerned. You're taking N.E.W.T. level because you need to learn what is going to be used against you."
"I won't be able to defend myself, though."
"You can't do a simple levitating charm but you can fix a broken glass. One might argue that the latter is harder. I've heard with Mr. Potter's help, you've conjured a patronus. There might be something that you learn you can do and it's important we discover it. Now back to your seat, I have a class to teach."
You fought the urge to roll your eyes at the dismissal. This must have been what Harry meant by Dumbledore didn't say much these days. Because the old man could have told you when he approached you about taking on teaching an Alchemy class. If Voldemort having a connection to you was as important as his connection to Harry, Dumbledore could have mentioned it.
Instead, he only mentioned his fascination at you teaching. That and giving you a children's book saying you could learn from it in ways he didn't think someone other than a banshee could. You weren't sure what you were going to be learning from The Tales of Beedle the Bard which you had heard enough of as a child when it was told to you at bedtime. He could have said all that but you were left to wonder why he didn't as Snape began his lesson— deciding to immediately start instead of giving a relaxing first day. It was clear Voldemort was a threat in the world and every day you all had to prepare for it to be your last.