TRISTAN
My fingers tapped rapidly as I looked down at the notes app on my phone. There was at least fifteen people in the room, yet all I could hear was my thoughts. Blood streaming from my nostrils down to my feet...maddened screams from my father...the crackling of fire in the middle of December. Memories once forgotten loved hitting me like a freight train especially in public nowadays. It's always sh-t I wished I could've continued not remembering and kept suppressed inside of me, but my therapist said diving into some deep rooted traumatic memories could help me. I knew she was right, but f-ck, the sh-t could get overwhelming sometimes.
"Tristan!" I felt a slap on my shoulder and my eyes quickly darted from my phone to the person standing in front of me. Nya. She startled me. "Damn, why do you look like you saw a ghost? My make up isn't bad, is it?" Nya took her phone that was in her hand and started checking herself out in the camera.
I sighed and slipped my phone back into my front pocket. Going through triggering memories probably was not the best thing to do at my ex-wife's intimate Netflix movie premiere party. My back was placed firmly against the wall as if it was glued there. I detached myself from it and stretched putting my arms up in the air before putting them back down to my side. "Sorry, I was just writing something," I told her. "You look perfectly fine, Nya."
"Well, thank you," she said with a grin as she stopped looking at herself in her phone's camera. "You know, you should really talk to some people here."
I looked around the room at the people who became Nya's friends in the past year and a half. Most of them gave off mad Hollywood vibes. Sure, I was about to release an anticipated R&B album later this year. Sure, I had some hit collaborations with some of the music industry's heavy hitters since I started releasing music, but even I wasn't as Hollywood as her. I still kept around the same friends, Kobe, Zayn and Nick. Nya had so many new friends and they all seemed so...superficial. Like are they really your friend or do they want you to post them on your Instagram so some of your followers can follow them?
Nya questioned me with a "Hello," when I didn't say anything. There I go, lost in my thoughts again. It seemed like surface level sh-t just couldn't keep my attention these days anymore.
"Hmm?"
Nya scoffed and roll her eyes. "Tristan, you need to talk to somebody here. There's a couple cute girls in here, you know? Actually, one of my friends lowkey has a crush on you." I groaned and this time, I rolled my eyes at Nya. She was always trying to set me up with one of her Tik Tok famous besties.
"I don't want to f-ck with anybody that makes Tik Toks for a living. I'm sorry," I said before she could even tell me which girl had their eye on me. I promise no one here could get any kind of heart eyes out of me.
"Damn, you so rude. You know what, it's okay though. You know why," Nya asked as she tried to hide a smirk. I raised an eyebrow at her as the smirk revealed more and more. "I invited someone we mutually know. I didn't know they were coming, but they just texted me and said they were on their way and to not start the movie without them."
I crossed my arms and leaned back against the wall. "Who's this mutual mysterious person?"
"Guess!"
"Nya, I see you're already drunk if you think I'm about to sit here and guess some grown ass person's name with you. Where's your woman at anyway," I asked, looking around for Crystal. She needed to get her fiancée and mess with her rather than bothering me. Like damn, I know it's her party but honestly I just wanted to be left alone and watch the premiere of the movie in silence. Tonight just wasn't one of my best social nights, I guess.
"Crys is making sure Marvel and Milo are asleep in their room so when the movie starts there's no interruptions. I'm surprised you're not in there with them trying to escape the gaze of society," Nya responded sarcastically. "You're the most newly famous person I know that could care less about being famous, like damn."
"Look, who's this person?"
"Oh, you really want to know, huh?"
"Only because you're over there smirking as if it's somebody off the wall when it's probably just somebody I don't care about."
"Man, I swear you're so emo. I really hope Marvel and Milo don't act like you when they grow up, just mean and antisocial, chile," Nya said with a laugh. I knew she was joking somewhat, but I didn't laugh. I wasn't antisocial. I just knew who to give my energy to and who not to. Unfortunately, none of her guests deserved my energy. She should worry less about my lack of speaking and more of her lack of having friends with less than three braincells.
Wait, let me not be mean. What would my therapist say? I shouldn't judge Nya's choice of friends or people I for real don't know. Maybe they're okay and I'm just not in a good mood.
"Nya, who is this person," I asked again, keeping her on track.
"Oh! It's Leilani," she blurted like it was no big deal. I almost choked on the salvia in my mouth. I crossed my arms tighter and stepped forward to her as she laughed her ass off as if she had told the funniest joke in the world. Hopefully, she was joking. "Why you look like you're about to have a fit," she yelled through laughter. I'm glad this was cracking her up meanwhile I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest and my knees were getting weak. "You're getting so pale!"
"Why would you joke about something like that," I asked as I uncrossed my arms. I started cracking my knuckles nervously as I looked around the room again to make sure Leilani wasn't actually here.
Nya got finished with her laughing fit, wiping away tears from her eyes as I tried not to have a panic attack. "Okay so, I'm sorry for laughing," she finally said once she got herself together. She still had a hint of a smile on her face, but I could tell she was serious this time. "Leilani really is coming. She should be here in a few minutes." I couldn't even find the words. My mouth went dry as I stared at Nya intensely. "Look, Tristan, I didn't think you would be upset? I asked her to come about a month ago and she never told me she was coming until an hour ago. I would've pre-warned you if she wasn't so last minute." I continued staring at her, not saying a word. "Are you okay? I didn't think you two had beef?"
"I'll be right back," I said plainly as I walked past Nya.
I kept my head down, not making eye contact with anyone. If one of her friends made a conversation with me, I might just vomit on their outfit. I turned the door knob to Milo and Marvel's bedroom. Crystal, Nya's fiancée, seemed as if she was about to walk out as I walked in. "Tris, you good," she asked as if she was worried. I guess I really was pale like Nya said.
"I'm good," I whispered, noticing Marvel and Milo were already knocked out for the night. "I just need a moment. Just going to sit here in the dark for a few minutes, listen to my kids snore and I'll head out when y'all start the movie."
"Alright. I'll text you when we're about to start the movie if that's cool?"
"That's cool," I said with a nod. Crystal nodded back as I moved aside so she could leave the room.
When she did, I closed the door behind me softly and walked over to Marvel's desk. I took a seat in the chair and began taking deep nasal inhales from the depths of my stomach before exhaling through my mouth.
In...with peace.
Out...with anxiety.
I closed my eyes, letting myself feel every tense part of my body. With every exhale, I loosened up that tense area until I felt completely fluid and relaxed.
Leilani and I hadn't spoken in a little over a year. We said we would be friends after the break up. We would hang out from time to time, text and catch up and see how each other were doing and then suddenly she just...stopped replying. Granted, she's like a supermodel now and I'm becoming big in the music industry. It would be hard to fit each other in each other's schedules, yet still, a little text here and there should't be that hard. During the first few months that she stopped texting, I would text her to check up on her and she never replied. It was like a ghost town in our message history and I was the only one actively communicating so I just stopped too.
Even going to award shows and celebrity events we both attended, I made sure to never cross paths with her. I mean, she made it clear she didn't want to communicate and I didn't want to ruin her night by coming across her. So, I kept my distance. Now, a year and a half later, I was going to see her again. Perhaps, talk to her again? It was an anxiety inducing situation and I wasn't sure how I could handle this. Not enough breathing exercises in the world could help me when she's directly in my face.
Maybe she won't talk to me.
But then again, I kind of hope she does.
But also, I hope she doesn't.
F-ck!
She was supposed to be dating someone. Kobe's big mouth spilled that to me after he learned it from his girlfriend, Kali, who of course is Leilani's best friend so maybe she will just not speak or keep it to a "hi." Or maybe she'll be friendly. I wasn't sure which one was better. Not speaking would make it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me but it would also hurt like hell for her to blatantly ignore me. Yet if she talked to me as if nothing happened then who knows how I would feel. Damn. My therapist is going to have a field day our next session.
My phone buzzed from my front pocket. I sighed and pulled it out.
Hey, we're about to start the movie. Everyone's here. Nya saved a good spot for you on the couch. - Crystal
Here it was. The moment of truth I guess.
LEILANI
"Are you sure," I asked Nya with a bucket of popcorn in my lap. There was an empty spot beside me on the couch that she said was specifically for Tristan. I, not proudly, haven't spoken to her in over a year. I admit I completely ignored her messages and stopped pursing even a friendship with her. It wasn't personal. It was actually by mistake.
A couple months went by and I found just being her friend was hard so I just stopped speaking to her to get over the relationship. I had all means of speaking to her again yet after a few months of not replying to someone's texts, it's hard to just respond again...especially when you know not responding hurt the other person. I expected her to text me one more time for some kind of confirmation that she didn't hate me. I wanted to text her how sorry I was and how I just needed a moment to get over everything, but she never texted me again. She probably hated me now or thought I hated her.
Nya nodded her head. "Tristan shouldn't have no problem sitting there. I mean, if she does then I'll put somebody else there but she should be fine. She said y'all didn't have any beef." I took a deep breath and felt relieved. Good, so she doesn't hate my guts. "Where is her ass anyway? I'm ready to start the movie."
"I just texted her, love. She'll be out here in a second," Crystal told Nya.
Just when she said that, Tristan came walking out from the hallway with her hands in her pockets. Everyone else was dressed in designer clothes or dolled up, even me, yet she looked amazing effortlessly in a black beanie in the middle of summer, white graphic t-shirt and black jeans. She had her head down when she walked up as Nya called her over, patting the cushion in between herself and I. Finally, Tristan looked up at me, her blue eyes piercing mine. I gave her a soft smile and patted beside me as well. I could tell something was wrong with her. Her eyes had so much sadness in them. I was starting to believe Nya wasn't telling the whole truth when she said Tristan said we didn't have beef. Either that or Tristan lied to her because there was definitely something unresolved between us.
Tristan sat down between us reluctantly and I decided to say, "Hey," to her.
She responded with a low, "What's up?"
"Nothing. Hopefully, this movie isn't bad or else that'd be embarrassing for Nya," I whispered to her, trying to make her laugh. She gave me a light chuckle but it was quick. "Okay, good so you don't hate me."
"As long as you don't hate me," she said with a shrug.
There was definitely stuff we had to talk about, but Nya made it known it was not now as she shushed both of us and instructed Crystal to turn off the lights. "So, everyone, I really hope you enjoy the film. This is my very first time starring in a film and I'm so proud that it's on Netflix."
As Nya went on and on about how important the "film" was to her, I whispered something else to Tristan hoping to make her laugh harder. "Why she keeps calling it a "film"? It's a movie, you pretentious b-tch." This time she laughed fully yet quietly. I was really excited for Nya and honestly I would say the same jokes to Nya that I told to Tristan, so I wasn't sh-t talking just trying to be funny. I'm glad Tristan still liked my humor. Getting her to laugh was always my favorite thing to do because she liked to act so hard.
Nya kept blabbing and Tristan decided to joke along with me by acting as if she fell asleep during her speech. I hit her shoulder as I covered my mouth to stifle the sound of me laughing. I'm not sure how I was so nervous about seeing her and talking to her in over a year and now casually joking and making fun of Nya with her as if no time passed.
"Okay, so I don't want to be longwinded," Nya said.
"Too late for that, chile," I whispered to myself, causing Tristan to laugh out loud. A little too loud. I didn't even say anything that funny, but Tristan's loud laugh made me laugh and then we just started snickering to ourselves. I could feel Nya glaring at us, but honestly, I didn't care. Nya told me this was her third premiere of the movie she's starring in on Netflix. The movie was released a week ago. She had a premiere with the cast then a huge premiere at some movie theater and now she was having this premiere for her closest friends in an intimate setting so honestly, it wasn't that deep. I'm sure most people in here already saw the movie.
"Okay, so without further ado, here's the film." Nya hit play and I nudged the popcorn bowl I had in my lap towards Tristan. She declined but then I nudged it to her again because I knew she really wanted some but was trying to act if she didn't. She took a handful before stuffing her mouth.
The movie was actually pretty good. Nya's performance was the best one in the movie, in my opinion. It was weird seeing her play someone totally outside of herself. When I first met Nya she was reserved, and a bit skeptical of me, then over the years, she had become more carefree and out there so to see her in such a serious role and kick ass was amazing. During the movie, Tristan and I were so invested in it that we stopped our joking, only interacting to past the popcorn bucket between each other.
After the movie, we all congratulated Nya and that's when the true party began. People started loosening up, drinking more and had to head to the backyard so they wouldn't wake up Marvel and Milo who were asleep in their rooms. As everyone shifted outside, it seems like me and Tristan were the last ones left inside. She looked like she was typing a novel on her phone while I was casually texting back someone in between pouring myself a drink. "Whatcha writing," I found myself asking as I put down my phone. I looked up from the kitchen counter I was standing at and over to Tristan who quickly looked up from her phone.
I began pouring myself a drink as she slid her phone into her pocket. She slowly stood up from the couch and started making her way over to me. "Just stuff," she replied as she moved to sit on a bar stool across from me, on the other side of the kitchen counter.
"Stuff like a new song or stuff like a shopping list or stuff like...I don't know...stuff," I asked.
Tristan snickered a bit. "I guess, it fits in the category of "stuff like...I don't know...stuff."
I smacked my lips as she smiled slyly at me. I took the drink I poured for myself and scooted it over to her. "Okay, I'm about to loosen you up since you wanna be so private."
Tristan slid the drink back over to me. "I don't drink, at least not hard liquor."
"Well, damn. What's the point of me drinking if I can't drink with you," I said as I decided to just push the drink to the side. "So, how have you been?"
Tristan shrugged. "Just working on the album, getting accustomed to this new life and consistently going to therapy...trying to be a better person, you know? How about you? How's life being America's #1 model? I can't go anywhere without seeing you on a commercial or billboard."
"Yikes! It must be hard seeing your ex everywhere," I said a bit awkwardly.
Tristan just smiled a bit and nodded. "Sometimes," she admitted.
"Well, I see you a lot as well," I said to make her feel a bit better. "You're always trending on Twitter because all these people want to f-ck you, and plus, your music is really good. So imagine how weird it is sometimes hearing everyone talk about how they want to f-ck your ex and also actually loving your ex's music."
Tristan couldn't hide the excitement in her voice, her pitch got higher when she asked, "You like my music?"
"I love it," I answered quickly. "Like, your last EP was so good. I play "Like This" a little bit too much...your vocals on that song are perfect. And the music video was so perfect and chill. It was a vibe." I'm not sure how I expected Tristan to react, but her howling with laughter definitely wasn't something I was expecting. A small confused laugh came from me, "Um, what's funny?"
She slowly came down from her laughter fit and then just smiled, before shaking her head, "Your favorite song would be one of the ones that's about you."
In surprise, I asked, "Damn, that song is about me?" I could feel my cheeks getting hot. I've listened to that song over and over and never thought she was singing about me. It was such a sensual song and every time I listened to her music, I tried to listen to her as an artist, not as my ex. So her telling me that song was about me was genuinely shocking, but also flattering. "Um, wow, I don't know what to say," I said honestly. Tristan just shrugged like it was no big deal as she scratched the back of her neck. I decided to make a joke out of it. "I mean, I don't know if I should say "thank you" for making a song about me or "you're welcome" for being your muse for the song."
She chuckled and leaned against the the counter. "You can say both."
"Well, thank you and also you're welcome. Also, there's something else I want to say," I told her slowly. She raised her eyebrows at me in anticipation. I chewed on my bottom lip for a second as I stared into her eyes. They seemed so much deeper and darker than when we first met. There was so much depth there. As if there was still so much that I didn't know about her, and that I wanted to get to know. "I just want to apologize for ghosting you. I want you to know that I needed time to get over our relationship. Being just friends with you just wouldn't work because I was still in love with you. I know I should've communicated that and I wish I did. I wish I would've asked you for space instead of just going ghost. I know getting ghosted isn't a good feeling, at all. So, I want to genuinely apologize for that."
Tristan kept her eyes on me the whole time as I apologized. They didn't waver for a moment. She nodded her head and brought her index finger up to her eyebrow and rubbed it with her finger tip. "Thank you for apologizing. I admit it did hurt. I thought you hated me and it gave me a lot of anxiety. At the same time, it helped me grow and seek help with therapy to become a better version of myself. If you didn't do that, I may not have taken initiative to go to therapy. So, yes it hurt, and it also helped a bit. So, there's no hard feelings. I forgive you, Lani."
It made my heart feel warm to know not only did she accept my apology and forgive me, but also that she found something positive out of the situation. I never wanted to hurt her or leave her in the dark. I definitely handled the situation poorly, but also at the best of my mental capacity at the moment. I knew Tristan understood that by the way she was looking at me. "I really hope now we can work on being friends again. Only if you feel comfortable. I'm sure I may have broken some trust, but I'm willing to rebuild that with you, if you'd want to."
"No need. I trust you. I know you did what you felt like you needed to do for yourself and your mental health. And I really want us to work on being friends again. I miss being silly with you and chilling with you. You were more than my girl, you were one of my best friends and I at least want us to get back to being friends."
I blushed a bit and smiled. "You were one of my best friends too. We have a lot to catch up on."
"Well, I have a little free time on Saturday if you want to come over to my place and just chill. Something lowkey. We can watch some movies or something," Tristan suggested. I could hear a little bit of nervousness in her voice, probably worried I wouldn't be comfortable or had plans.
"Oh, you ain't said nothing but a word. I'm free all day Saturday so I'm going to annoy you all day," I told her before doing a goofy dance in excitement to make her laugh, which she did.
"Damn, thee Leilani Jaegar has a full day for me? How is that even possible?"
"Honestly, I don't know. You got lucky," I told her. It seems like I was always doing a shoot, a fashion show or on the road for something, and if it wasn't that, I was spending time with Kali, China and Sasha, or with Remi. Speaking of which, my phone began ranging against the counter. Tristan's eyes naturally shifted to it, and when she saw the name Remi with a heart emoji, I could see her shift uncomfortably in the corner of my eye. "Sorry, I gotta take this."
I looked at her just to see her nod and pull out her own phone. I answered mine and walked away from Tristan and into the living room for a little bit of privacy. "What's up, baby," I answered.
"Hey, doll. When are you coming home? We miss you," Remi spoke lovingly into the phone. I knew when she said "we" that she was talking about herself and her cute little dog, Nike.
"I miss you two too," I replied with a small pout. "I'll be back soon. I was just catching up with an old friend, but I'm going to head out in a few."
"Was your ex there? I know you had some anxiety about seeing her," Remi mentioned.
"Yes, she was," I said, in a quieter voice, not sure if Tristan could still hear me or not. She was only a few feet away. "That's the old friend I was catching up with. We patched things up, no need to worry."
"Well, good. Just come home to me, as soon as possible, please. I need something to rub on that's not Nike," Remi said suggestively.
I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. "Bye, baby. I'll be there soon."
"Drive safe. I love you."
"I love you too." I hung up the phone and found my way back over to Tristan who was once again tapping rapidly on her phone. "Hey, so we still good for Saturday? I think I'm about to head out."
She glanced up from her phone. "Yeah, we're good for Saturday. As long as your partner is cool with it."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mention her, I guess. I mean, Remi and I are just keeping things lowkey. No one knows about us except for our friends, but she's really chill and laidback. She knows all the history and I'm sure she'll be fine with us hanging out. She even mentioned you on the phone so it's all good," I ended up blabbing. I'm not sure why, but I felt guilty. Should I have told her I had a girlfriend before making plans? Was us hanging out supposed to be more than a friendly hangout? Did she still have feelings?
"Remi, huh," Tristan asked in such a way that I don't even think she meant to ask out loud. It was like she was here, but checked out somewhere else.
"Yeah, but um, I promise she'll be fine with it and if not, I will make her be. We're going to hang out Saturday, just me and you, and we're going to have a good time." I almost felt like I had to convince her to not cancel Saturday or that we could actually hang out.
Tristan just put on a smile that I knew wasn't genuine and nodded. "Yeah, Saturday. We'll have a good time. I'll text you the address. Your number hasn't changed, right?"
"Still the same."
"Then, I'll text you," Tristan stood up and nodded her head towards the front door. "Let me walk you to your car."
We walked in silence. The only noise I could hear were the crickets and the distant talking of the people in Nya's backyard. My car was right around the block and when Tristan saw it, she let out a, "Sheesh! This you?"
I pressed the button on my keys to unlock and start my car. "You know they call me Maserati Lani!"
"Damn, what model is this," Tristan asked as she eyed my car as if she wanted to take it on a joy ride.
"A MC20 Coupé. Light blue on the outside with an all black interior. Her name is Skye. You should hop in and take a look," I said as I walked towards the driver's door. Tristan seemed hesitant but she opened up the passenger door just as I opened the driver's. As soon as we hopped in, a loud ass Megan thee Stallion song began blasting from Bluetooth.
Tristan laughed as she bopped her head to the music. "This is sick. I can't lie. I need one."
"Get one. We can be twins."
"Is that my bestie in a Maserati," Tristan joked as she ran her hand across the material of the dashboard.
I giggled. "You're so stupid. I can take you for a joy ride Saturday or better yet, I'll let you drive it."
"No way," Tristan said as if she was some big ass kid. "You know, I got kids, so I don't got a car like this but I might get me one for days when it's just me riding. Are you for really gonna let me drive it?"
"Yes, matter of fact, instead of watching movies Saturday I got something even better for us to do."
"Like what?"
"It's a surprise," I said with a mischievous smile. "Just text me your address. I'll pick you up and I'll take you somewhere really cool."
"Damn, is this like a date? Like a friend date?"
"Yeah, it's a little homie date," I said as I rubbed my hands together already having the best idea for our day. "I'm going to sweep you off your feet Saturday."
"Oh brother. We'll see." Tristan looked at the time on her watch. "Well, I better let you get back to your girl. What's her name? Demi?"
"Remi, fool."
"Right, right. I'll let you get back to her. Drive safe, okay? Text me when you get home."
"Alright, Texas." She licked her lips and squinted her eyes at me. "What," I asked.
"Nothing," she said with a small laugh before getting out the car. "I'll see you Saturday, Maserati Lani."
"Period! Watch me peel off, loser." As soon as Tristan closed the door, I put the car into gear and drove off in full speed. I couldn't hear her over the engine, but I knew she was cracking up.
***
I know it's about time I posted. I'm sorry. 😭
Tristan out here fighting demons and Leilani boo'd up. I'm sorry but lmfaooooo.
Tristan's song "Like This" that was mentioned, I imagine sounds like "Like This" by Sinead Harnett.
Also, part two comes with some new characters. The first new character is Remi Holmes, Leilani's girlfriend. I'm sure y'all will like her. (lmfao) She's played by Morgan Olson (momomuscle on IG).