You know the dark gloomy days that come with death jn the movies? Well that was not the case here. The sun was shining like usual over the wailing cries of my family who just found out today morning that my grandmother has left this world.
I couldn't even say a thing. My mouth never moved as they asked me why Gogo didn't eat her food. My mouth didn't move when they asked why I looked like I had been crying all night. My mouth didn't move when Aunt Georgina shook my grandmother awake and panicked when she didn't wake up. My mouth didn't move when it dawned upon her why I was acting the way I was. My mouth didn't move when she screamed for help and all the family came rushing in to see what was wrong. No, I just remained there cuddled to Gogo as if she were still alive. I ignored the shrill cries that burst out in the room and held Gogo tighter. I didn't let go even when the mortuary people arrived to take her away. I wanted to scream for them to let her go but I couldn't scream. My mouth refused to move and my voice disappeared on me.
I watched from Gogo's bedroom window as the mortuary van drove off leaving a tear-stained family behind. Neighbour's had already flocked the house giving out their condolences. Yes, Gogo was known and loved by many in the community.
I heard someone sit on the bed as I watched the van disappear from sight. I turned around and found Naledi seated on the bed and looking straight at me. She looked indifferent. She wasn't in tune with her emotions.
"Sesi(sister) why am I not crying? I feel sad but I'm not crying like everyone else, I love Gogo too. Is it because I'm not normal?" Naledi asked and I shook my head as I sat on the bed next to her. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. That freaked me out but all I could do was embrace my little sister to comfort her.
Mama entered the room with my dad. Her face was tear stained but she dried it up so Naledi couldn't see her face.
"Come here, my baby girls." Mama said to us. We stood up from the bed and fell into her embrace. My dad joined the embrace too.
"It's okay, we're going to be fine." She said but even she sounded unsure. How were we going to go through everyday without Gogo? She is–was the pillar of the family. I know we are going to feel her absence each and everyday and the sad part is we can't do anything about it.
She let us go after a while and said we should join the rest of the family in the living room. I shook my head no. I didn't want to go out. I was okay just here. Mama nodded as she left with my dad and Naledi in tow.
*Flashback*
"You know what my dear grandchildren, one day I will leave this world and go to one unknown to all of you. The Lord has blessed me with a very long life. Ninety years to be exact—"
"No Gogo it's eight-nine years." Tumi corrected.
"Oh shut it, child." She said and my cousins and I laughed.
"Anyway please know that it is my time. Know that I love you all so much and please make sure those church ladies don't sing at my funeral. They can't sing to save their lives." She said and we laughed.
"Of course not. We will sing not them." My cousin said and we all nodded in agreement.
*End of Flashback*
At that time it was a joke to us all because we thought that Gogo wasn't going to die. We thought she was immortal but today's events prove otherwise. When Grandad Raymond passed away it was different. I was young I didn't quite understand but now I fully understand the concept of death and the grief has become my partner now.
Is this how it will be after my death? I sure hope not I don't want to be the cause of people's tears but I know I can't prevent it.
I fell back on the bed closing my eyes and breathing in and out. I took the pillow and hugged it to my chest. The room still had that old people's smell that Gogo had and I smiled.
"I'm always going to be there for you. I will protect you and everything you love. I love you and the rest of the family so much."
• • •
"Tumi!" I heard people shout outside. I peaked outside from the curtain and saw my brother with his luggage on the ground being surrounded by people and hugging everyone. Emerald stood behind him with baby Blue in her hands as all the ladies cooed at the baby and welcomed her.
Once the crowd cleared I saw someone else. Justin. I left the window and went out the door. I stood by the door as I watched Justin greet everyone and ignore obvious advances from the community drunk lady. I get a feeling she is only here for free cakes and biscuits and tea.
Justin look up at me and opened his arms. I walked to him as normal as I could and crashed into his arms. We stood there in each other's arms and jot caring about anyone else for a full five minutes before Naledi pulled me away from him.
"What are you doing here?" Naledi asked Justin. Justin looked looked amazed and a bit amused.
"I'm here to send my condolences and to see your sister." He said to her.
"Do you want to see him?" She asked me and I nodded with a smile.
"Okay, but you should know she can't talk." Naledi said and Justin frowned.
"Is it a cultural or custom thing?" He asked. Naledi looked at him like he was mad.
"Of course not. Lerato lost her voice, the doctor said it's because of shock and that it will come back someday soon when she's ready to talk." Naledi explained to him. Naledi then skipped away to my baby cousins.
Yes, my voice had disappeared on me. I couldn't say a word even when I tried. Out of worry Mama made me go to the doctor and find out what was the problem. The doctor said it is emotional trauma. He said that my voice would come back soon, as soon as I'm ready. Now I've adopted to writing notes to communicate and texting away. It is frustrating but everyone is accommodating so it's okay really.
I took out my phone from the pockets of my black dress. I typed a text and sent it to Justin.
Follow me.
He took out his phone and read the text. He nodded at the text and followed me inside the house and to my bedroom. I closed the door behind me and laid down on the bed.
I petted the spot next to me, gesturing for him to join me. He took off his shoes and joined me. We both breathed in loudly and chuckled as we both exhaled.
"I'm sorry." Justin apologized. I turned to him and frowned.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me." He said. I shook my head and held his hand.
It's not your fault. I texted to him.
He sighed and smiled at me. "You know from what I've seen so far, Cape Town is really as beautiful as you said it would be."
I told you. I texted. He laughed and kissed my hand.
Tumi walked into the room. I stood up to greet him. "I'm sorry I wasn't here Lerato."
I shook my head and held my thumbs up to show him that it was okay.
"So you truly can't speak?" He asked and I nodded in response. He looked at me with guilt.
It's not your fault. I texted him. He received the text. He looked at it and pulled me into a hug. When he pulled away he kissed my forehead and let me go.
"My uncles need an extra pair of hands, get dressed and meet us outside." Tumi said to Justin and threw him working clothes.
Justin isn't doing labour work with the rest of the family. He is my guest. I texted.
"He will work like everyone else for Gogo's funeral. He should consider himself lucky that I didn't tell the rest of the family what he did to you." Tumi said and I gave him a dirty look.
"It's okay Candy, I'll do it." He said and I looked at him worried. I know Tumi will probably overwork him and although Justin can stand up for himself and hold his own fort, how will he do so when he is outnumbered.
"See he'll do it." Tumi shrugged and exited the room. I followed him to the kitchen.
"Relax sis, we just need extra hands like I told you." He said and drank water. I nodded and went back to my room.
Justin was already dressed. His clothing was folded and placed on the table. There was a brown envelope on the bed and he handed it to me. He kissed my cheek and went out the door.
Divorce papers. He actually signed the papers. I went to the window and watched Justin laugh at something my cousin said.
I took out my phone and texted him.
Thank you.
*****
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