"Lerato, my baby girl, talk to me." My dad said as he sat down on the bed next to me.
"I should've listened to you Daddy. I should've stayed here in South Africa with you. I should've stayed away from guys. You always told me no guy was deserving of me and I never believed you. I thought there was a right guy for out there, someone like you but no all men are the same, aren't they Daddy? I'm being punished for not listening to my elders." I said and broke into tears.
"Hush my baby girl," my dad said as he pulled me closer, "No one is punishing you. All those things I said is only because I couldn't accept that you were growing up an I couldn't do anything to stop that from happening."
"It doesn't matter anymore, I'm done for." I said starring into space.
"You know what, I'm fine. I feel all better now. I'll go and—"
"Lerato..." my dad interrupted.
"I'm fine, Daddy really." I said and forced a smile on my face. I kicked the covers off my body and stood up from my bed. Mama walked in with a surprised look on her face.
"You're up." She said surprised. She stood next to my dad and looked up at him in question. My dad shrugged, clearly unsure of what to say.
I chuckled at their expressions and went into my bathroom. I dropped the clothing I had in my hands to change on the floor and stepped into the shower in my clothing. I turned on the shower and sunk against the glass door.
I let everything go, I let all the tears that I haven't shed yet which is surprisingly a lot considering all I did was cry nowadays. This was me allowing myself to feel sorry for myself. I didn't care about all my failed relationships anymore they were the least of my worries. I had greater things to worry about, way greater.
Why does it have to be me? I'm so tired of everything that keeps on happening to me. I'm tired of all my sorrows adding up into a large heap of troubles. At this point I'm don't even know if I'm still sane enough to deal with this but I know I have to. My bad news will only bring nothing but sadness to everyone I love instead of rejoicing at the good news the bad news brings. It makes sense to keep this to myself. I can't be selfish even at the expense of my own sanity or mental health. I have to be strong and keep a good smile on my face for everyone I love. They don't deserve the pain the news will cause them and since I'm on the receiving end I guess maybe I do deserve this.
I wiped my tears away. I chuckled when my cheeks became wet again because of the water pouring down on me. I stood up, took off my wet clothing and did my hygiene process, slower than usual. I was so into my thoughts I didn't here Mama knock on the door rapidly asking if I'm okay.
"I'm fine Mama!" I yelled, turning off the shower. I wrapped a towel around my body.
"Well, get out of there. You've been in there for too long." She said. Ahh, so now I'm a danger to myself. Can't say I blame them though but from now on I'm not letting them stress about me.
"I'll be out in ten minutes Mama, I promise."
"Okay, I love you." She said and I smiled a sad smile as I looked at my naked form, looking for any changes to my body.
"I love you too, Mama."
• • •
"No no, you guys cheated!" My cousins said to Naledi and I.
We were playing a game of cards in teams. I was paired up with Naledi because the girl could probably become an instant billionaire if you took her to a poker game. She had great memory and it was necessary for the specific game we were playing. Naledi is good at almost any game that doesn't include physical work, actually she is the best at mind games and everyone knows that. But each time my cousins have hope that they might beat her at the games, they should know better than that honestly although it is fun to watch them fail to a girl who is twice as younger as them.
"We did not. We just—"
"Don't explain what we did Naledi. They are just being sore losers." I stood up and took the dishes of snacks I had made for all of us.
"Yeah whatever, let me wash the dishes." My cousin said scooting me over.
"Okay I'll go give Gogo her food. She said she doesn't feel like going out of her room today."
"And I'm dramatic? We all know where I took it from." My cousin commented and we all laughed.
The whole family was here. Some where outside where most of the people were. It was a family braai(barbeque) which was a request from Gogo but she didn't bother coming out of her room. The family just stumbled into her room for greetings and stayed a few minutes before they came out. It isn't the first time Gogo has done this though so no worries. I can fully assure you she is well, she just has those once off moments.
I opened the microwave and took out the plate of food that my aunt dished out for her. I took a tray and placed the plate on top of it. I walked down the hallway to her bedroom. I knocked on the door and Gogo called for me to enter.
I entered the room and used my foot to close the door. It was already dark outside so her curtains were closed and the lights in her room was switched on. She lay there lying on the bed.
"Gogo, I brought you food. Don't worry Aunt Georgina didn't touch the pots so there is no chance of you having food poisoning." I said and she chuckled. I placed her food on the table beside her bed and sat next to her.
"Your aunt is just like his father. He couldn't cook to save his life. On the rare occasions that he did we had to try our best not to hurl up." She said and laughed. I laughed along with her.
"Grandfather Christopher?" I asked and she shook her head.
"Do you miss them? Both granddads?" I asked.
"Of course I do. Christopher is my first love and the love of my life. He gifted me with one of the greatest gifts one could ever receive: unconditional love and my first babies. Your other granddad was my best friend, my carer and my protector. I loved him too so much but not entirely in that way. I couldn't let Christopher go but me and your other grandad had a healthy relationship and I'll forever be grateful for the sacrifices he made for me and my kids." She explained.
"Why couldn't you let Grandpa Christopher go? Many years went by it shouldn't have been that hard." I said. Gogo looked at me and shifted so she could sit up. I placed a pillow on her back so she could be more comfortable.
"Everyone deals with grief differently and my way of dealing with it was holding onto the love we shared. I believed that by doing that it would make me feel better and it did in a way but the reality was Christopher was gone and he was never coming back. Dealing with grief of a loved one is not easy, at all. It tests you to your limit and if you don't have a reason to not survive it gets harder. I imagine that, that is how you would feel if Justin were to be taken from this world or if you were to be taken from this world that is how Justin would feel. Love does that." She said. I looked down at the palms of my hands. Tears were already welling up in my eyes ready to fall. My throat closed up as my body shook a bit.
"Would–would it have been better if you knew before he died that he was going to die?" I asked her, my voice shaky as I tried hiding the tears streaming down my cheek by looking at my palms.
"If I knew, I wouldn't have agreed to his idea of running away. But if it was already written in the stars... I don't know. I think it wouldn't have made a difference, maybe it would've probably added to my pain and sorrow. But I guess I don't really know because I didn't go through that..." She said. She then pulled me to her chest and wiped my tears. I should've known trying to hide something from Gogo would be impossible.
"I don't know what to do Gogo. I'm trying to be strong but clearly by these tears I'm failing. I just don't know how to deal with anything." I said as I sobbed onto her chest.
"Tears aren't a sign of failure, my grandbaby. You are only human, allow others to carry the burden you have on your shoulders. You will feel a lot lighter afterwards." She said as she rubbed my head.
"But Gogo it's my burden to carry I don't want anyone else to carry this with me. It would be unfair on them." I said as I tried to calm myself down.
"I don't agree with what you're saying but if that is how you feel then so be it. Now wipe those tears and go get your old lady a glass of water and dessert while you're at." I chuckled a bit and did as she said. Before I walked out the door she called my name.
"I'm always going to be there for you. I will protect you and everything you love. I love you and the rest of the family so much."
I smiled and responded, "We all love you too Gogo."
"Now go get me that dessert make sure that stingy granddaughter of mine gives me an extra helping of the dessert." She said.
"Will do." I said and closed the door behind me.
I walked down the corridor right towards the kitchen. Two of my cousins were still washing dishes while humming to the music playing on the large speakers outside. I dished up some dessert for Gogo and looked around as a precautionary measure before giving her an extra helping.
"Aunty Lerato." I turned around and met one of my cousins fourteen year old daughter.
"Yes honey?" I asked.
"Is it true that you live in a lavish apartment in America? And uncle Tumi has lives in one too?" She asked and I laughed.
"Who told you that?"
"Aunty Naledi." I cracked up even more when she said that because she was older than Naledi but still had to refer to her as Aunty because well Naledi is her aunt.
So I had to sit down and tell her all about my time in New York City. She gasped at almost everything that I told her and I do admit I probably did too. An unknown or a new place does that to a person I guess.
After about thirty minutes of Q and A she was finally ran out of questions. I grabbed the dessert which I had placed in the fridge, poured Gogo a glass of water and headed to her room.
"Sorry I took so long. You know how Zandile is, always asking questions." I said. Her food was untouched and she was sleeping.
I shook her body, "Gogo you need to eat so you can drink your evening pills, even if you just have a bite."
She didn't answer me she just continued sleeping. I almost rolled my eyes at her behavior.
"Gogo." I shook her body to wake her up. I frowned when she didn't wake up to shout at me for waking her up like she usually does.
"Gogo." I shook her body harder but it was just stoic. I touched her forehead with the back of my hand and it was cool, way too cool considering how hot it is today.
With shaky hand I placed two finger on her neck, right where her pulse is and covered my mouth when I felt nothing underneath. No pulse. I shook my head.
"No no no no, this is not happening." I said to myself and lay my head onto her chest so I could hear her heartbeat but I heard nothing. There was no thump against my ear.
I gasped as I stumbled back. A normal person would've run to everyone for help but no, not me. I knew she was gone, I understood that our last conversation was her saying goodbye but only I didn't hear it as such thirty minutes ago.
I slipped into the covers and placed my head onto her chest like I always did. Tears ran down my cheeks and my loud sobs fell deaf against the loud music. All that didn't matter, the main thing is:
She's gone.
*****
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XOXO
Khanya.