"Look at you thinking you couldn't live without 'em now look at you living
(Aye, look at you living)
Look at you doing way better and all outta ya feelings (fuck him)
Yo' edges came back and yo' ass is getting a lil' bigger (it's getting bigger)
Girl, fuck that lil' nigga (girl, fuck that lil' nigga)
Girl, fuck that lil' nigga"
~lil Donald
Kennedy banks pov
Thursday 1/11
I lay in the bed staring at the ceiling fan spin , watching the endless cycle continue to bore me as I wait for some excitement to happen .
It's been two weeks since I've left this hotel room and honestly it's starting to feel like I'm in jail . All I do everyday is either watch television or read scriptures out of a Bible they left in the dresser, and to be honest it's actually helping me more than I thought it would .
Being isolated from the outside world and influences has given me plenty of time to think things over and even let some things go . Enough to where I don't cry as much anymore and I can actually look in the mirror without being completely disgusted and disappointed in myself
I've even gotten strong enough to look at my stomach without bursting into tears and that's something I never thought I would be able to do again .
Things are seeming to get better just like knew they would when I finally got down time to myself and I'm really considering going back to that house and having a conversation with Von .
He's been calling me everyday almost every hour on the hour and leaving me hundreds of text message and I still haven't responded to him or anyone else yet .
I've been doing so good with being on my own that I didn't want to backtrack into contacting others and falling right back into the emotional trap I've seeming to gotten out of .
I wish I could say being away has made me realize how much I needed von and that I can't live without him but honestly.... It's not true . I've been feeling so much better since I've been away and I'm starting to think that's how it should stay .
Before all this bs happened von and I were going through a really rough and stressful time so after further examination I've came to the conclusion that being separated is for the best until we both mature . It's not like we have to co parent or be forced to be around each other anymore.
Plus, if he is the right person then we'll find our way back to each other . That's why I haven't reached out to him . Sometime it's the right person at the wrong time .
Knock knock
I pop my head up out the bed looking towards the door confused wondering who it could be after hearing the strong knocking .
The only people that show up here is india, the house keepers, and room service since their the only ones who knows where I am. india said she would be busy with Durk today and the cleaners always announce themeselves so I don't know who this could be .
I slowly get up to answer it and As I walk towards the door I notice my pain pills sitting on the dresser.
I grab bottle and pop two pills before chugging some water to swallow them down and sigh hoping they kick in fast enough to deal with whoever's behind this door . Thinking about all this is making me feel a little sad again so I gotta fix it .
Knock knock
"I'm coming damn "I groan and unlock the door swinging it open revealing whose behind it .
"I know I was supposed to see you at the wedding but I thought you needed me now"
"Momma"I mumble looking at her smiling back at me with shemar a few steps behind her sharing the same expression
"Hey baby " she says holding her arms out and I sigh a little before embracing her in a hug feeling all the emotions I thought were gone come flooding back from being in her arms
It's like her energy is so strong that it's sucking everything I want to hide right out of me making me want to break down and go right back to where I started as far as emotional wise . Usually I would be happy to see her but not right now , It feels like I'm starting all over at the moment . Like the healing was temporary .
"W-what are you doing here ?" I manage to asks as I pull away while she uses her thumbs to wipe the tears off my face .
"You know why I'm here kennedy " she says giving me a look causing me to cry harder "india told me where you were so I had to come check on you "
"Im sorry I didn't call it's jus- "
"Shhhh"she says lowly "it's okay I understand, I'm here now that's all that matters "she nods kissing my forehead hugging me again "Cmon let's go inside "she says .
I exhale one last time before forcing a fake smile and opening the door widely so they can come in "hey shemar " I greet as he walks past and he smiles giving me a hug
"Hey sweetie how you been holding up ? "He asks
"Pretty good "I lie . Well pretty good until now . Or at least I thought I was good .
"Pretty good ?" My mother questions looking around the room "girl it's a mess in here you don't get house keeping ?"
"Well since I've been in here all day I see no point of them cleaning around me "I shrug and she turns to look at me with a saddened face before taking a seat on the bed and patting the space next to her
"No "I shake my head quickly "dont " I tell her already knowing what that meant .
I knew she wanted to talk about my feelings and make sure that I'm stable but I'm not ready to talk about any of that again . I'm trying to move past it and although it's only been two weeks I've been making progress , and I refuse to back track. I can't keep reliving what happened . The dreams have stopped and so should I .
"Fine we don't have to talk about it " she shrugs and side eyes shemar while he shakes his head "but are you okay ? "
"I am "I nod and she looks at me as if she doesn't believe it
"Are you sure ?" She asks and I nod "positive?"
"I said I'm okay ! "I snap unexpectedly shocking them as I get irritated .
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm okay ? Hell no I'm not okay . And probably won't be for the rest of my life. But I can't dwell on it and keep explaining why I'm not because the feeling will never change or get better . I just wished they would stop asking me the same stupid ass questions .
"I'm sorry "I mumble feeling bad for snapping on them so suddenly . They didn't deserve it . "I just really don't want to talk about this anymore "I tell her and she nods standing up to comfort me
"I understand kennedy but you can't lock yourself in here and hold in all your emotions "she says telling me what I already know "all it's going to do is turn into a big blow up and end terribly " she tries to warn me
"But I feel fine "I manage to say while the tears build up
"This is not fine !" She says loudly picking up the pill bottle on the dresser beside her "this is a temporary fix of substance designed to distract people from reality when really the pain is not going to go away until you deal with it the correct way "
"There is no correct way !" I yell stepping away from her snatching my pills "these are the only things keeping me sane ! There's no one else here "
"That's cause you shut everyone else out kennedy ! "She yells back "this is not the way "she shakes her head tearing up herself "I know what pain feels like , believe me I know what you're going through but this is not the way " she yells at me "you need to be around the people that loves you and work things out . Being by yourself is only going to make things worst for you and von "
"Tuh "I scoff "so that's why your here ? Von ? " I question realizing that's where she was getting at .
I had a feeling von and india put her up to this just so I can go back home . But I'm not ready to leave here ! I feel safe and wanted here because I have no one to count on but myself . My own thoughts , my own actions and my own worries . No von or anyone else to get in the way of that .
"Yeah he texted me , so what ? Just because you shut him out that means everyone else has to ?" She asks and I roll my eyes looking away "he loves you kennedy , why can't you just accept that "
"He put me out ! " I yell at her feeling all my anger being released "yall so fucking focused on me leaving when nobody gave a fuck when he through me out over me trying to help his shitty ass dysfunctional ass family !" I burst out letting everything completely out "it's always von this and von that and how von feels but nobody cares how Kennedy feels ! "
"Kenendy calm down "shemar says causing me to roll my eyes about to snap on him to for not minding his own damn business .
"Baby it's okay just give us a minute "she tells him and nods before stepping out "and you need to lower your voice "she points at me
"No ! Im done worried about other peoples feelings and problems I don't care how von feels or anyone else I'm tired "I say breaking completely down as she stares at me then nods her head a little sniffing .
"I thought you said you were doing fine kenendy "she says and I wave her off then wipe my face shaking my head . "You're letting this eat you alive , you're not even you anymore "
"Who was I ?" I shrug not even remembering who the old kennedy was or how she even felt .
I don't wake up happy anymore , ready to start my day . I don't feel excited or spontaneous to try new adventures. I don't even feel like getting out the bed half the time to even go to the bathroom . I am completely broken down and tired of being this positive cheerful person that never gets it in return .
I always get blamed and cussed out at the end so whats the point . I might as well be bitter and ugly like everyone else and hate the world . There's no other way to be . Good people get hurt . Might as well become the villain
"You weren't this person Kennedy" she says placing a hand on my shoulder "you aren't a monster and none of this is your fault "she tells me "just go home "
"I can't "I shake my head
"Why not ?"
"I'm not ready "I answer truthfully
"No you're afraid "she says and I shake my head looking a way "your afraid that if you go back home you won't be able to live with the fact that you and von are without child and you'll be forced to have a conversation with him your to scared to have "she says seriously "you can't even look him in his face and tell him you can't be with him , you have to run off to a hotel and act like your healing when really all your doing is getting cracked off on pills "
"You know what? since you care so much about von why don't you go fuck him and live in that house " I spat at her and watch as her expression changes as she frowns
"Wow "she mumbles nodding "you're completely broken "she shakes her head "I thought I could come in here and get through to you but it's to late , your gone "she shrugs and grabs her things off the bed before walking towards me "I hope you find yourself again Kennedy " she mumbles patting my back once before walking past me leaving me standing there. I hear the door open and close making my lip start to tremble and tears pour down my face .
I bawl my fist as I continue to cry before I grab my pill bottle and storm into the bathroom slamming the door shut . I can't do this anymore , I'm done .