A/N:
HI ALL!!!
this chapter is a 'filler' chapter, WHICH MEANS!!!!!
ITS IN NIALLS POV FOR HALF A CHAPTER TODAY BECAUSE LIKE WE GOTTA GET HIM AND CASS TOGETHER OBVIOUSLY-
dear cass,
you are getting
a boyfriend congrats
-the person making this happen
TW// mentions of panic attacks.
talk of: self harm, suicide, drugs, depression, purging and forced sexual acts
____________
present day
august 29th 2014- nialls pov
"PAYNO! happy birthday mate" i jumped as i entered his flat. zayn was the first person there surprising. hes usually later than that.
"nialler, i saw you yesterday. no need to get that excited over me yeah?"
i rolled my eyes. im trying to be happy, so i think its working. OH! my doctor said i could have at most two beers tonight.
just because its a special occasion.
thank fuck.
soon enough though, the entire flat was flooded with a sea of people. it was exciting, but cass wasnt here so that was a big downer.
she is the one person who just makes me feel. feel like something? is that the right choice of words?
yeah, im not depressed- but sometimes dying of bloody cancer can get to you so having someone so close sharing that with you makes you feel something else.
i ventured off into the kitchen going for my first guinness of the night "im telling you curly, i didnt take you sheer, lace button up with the flowers on it. why would i?"
i snapped my head up to see harry and louis arguing "because who else wouldve taken it? no one else goes into my closet except you lou!" he took a swig off his cocktail.
"you probably just misplaced it love! christ you do that alot. but out of all people i... ME. louis tomlinson took a sheer, lace, flowered shirt..."
i walked out of the room.
me : 'it kinda sucks without you:/'
cassie : 'i know im the best :)'
i leaned against a wall.
me : 'you at home?'
cassie : 'no, im climbing mount everest '
i left her on read before excusing myself from the party and heading down the elevator and out the main doors of the building.
thank fuck i had a hoodie on and it was dark out. no one could see me. i felt bad i didnt tell liam i was leaving....
quite frankly, i havent been close with any of the boys the the past year... of course they are like my brothers but-
liam has zayn- zayn has liam.
louis has harry, harry has louis.
all the fans ever joke about is me having myself, but if you take a reality check its true. i didnt tell harry i had cancer for months. hes my best mate too but no i just didnt want to over shadow everyone with my small conflict.
i know damn well im not going die. but would it be so bad if i did? obviously i have cass. but like- well... its good i have her.
she relates to me.
i called a cab as it started to rain. just as i was getting in somebody stopped me "niall? oh my god!"
fuck.
its not that the fans arent nice, im just not it a good headspace right now. i put on a fake smile, tugging my beanie down lower "hi"
"sorry to bother you, could we get a quick photo..." the brunette girl paused and looked at her other friend "if its okay with you. if you dont want to be bothered we under-"
the sheer panic in their poor eyes made me cut them off "id love to take a quick photo"
the brunettes friend spoke after me "are you sure? we dont wanna be a bother..."
"positive" my smile was slightly less fake. a little but sympathetic. they thanked me and left after the photo was taken.
i apologized to the cab driver before i told him cass' address. like i was saying:
she gets me.
she has from the second we met.
she will always- my phone lit up... along with my face. a text from her.
cassie : 'wow leaving me on read horan?'
cassie : 'niall horan? hmmm maybe "no reply horan" yeah. thats it'
a laughed, still not answering her message.
***
"thank you! keep the change" i handed the driver two fifty pound notes before stepping put the cab.
it was pretty late so the only sounds were the cab driver speeding down the road, the rain had stopped. i took out the key to her house, which her mum gave me for some reason.
still no clue why.
"arent you supposed to be at a party?" her voice rang through my ears. wow im hearing things.
suddenly a phone was thrown at my head "what the fuck-" i looked up, cass was sitting on her rood "ya cunt what was that?"
"sorry! i couldnt find anything else to throw!"
"you couldve simply texted me" i ignored her last sentence as i quickly entered her house and walked up to her room.
the window still open with a nice breeze coming through it. i placed both her and my phone in my back pocket before climbing onto her roof.
she was sitting on the higher level of her roof, which made me have to climb even more.
what a bitch
kidding- (?)
"i think you dropped this" i gave her a sarcastic smile and which she returned a fake gasp "woah! thanks for finding it! thought i lost it"
"ha. ha."
"ooooo, niall james horan- was that a fake laugh?"
i sat down next to her "maybe, who knows" i nudged her. our joking stopped before she looked at me in worry "why arent you celebrating liams birthday?"
i sighed placing my head in her lap "missed you" was all i whispered. our eyes made contact "you were aloud to drink tonight and you chose me over beer?"
id choose you over anything and anyone...
"what goes on in that irish head of yours princess?" her hands made their way to mine. shivers shoot through my entire body.
"only though is you"
silence.
fuck- why would i say that? what the fuck. shit shit shit shit shit. nope that was so dumb. niall you cunt.
"really are obsessed with me arent you?"
"oh shut up!" i exclaimed.
she just giggled.
i have never heard her giggle. sure her laugh is absolutely amazing- but fuck... her giggle. its so perfect.
i got up out of her lap and just stared.
shes so fucking pretty...
"niall? whats going o-" i cut her off.
i kissed her.
she kissed me back.
thank god. i thought. oh thank fuck she did- ive been wanting to do this ever since i met her.
we pulled apart, foreheads resting against each others "im thinking about how much i love you if you were wanting to know specifically"
she smiled "im glad i know now... ive been thinking the same thing"
"wait you have?" our foreheads were now apart- yet faces still very close "oh yeah"
my heart stopped.
"i love me too" oh... "haha! youre face! my god- you really thinking im that full of myself?"
"you are though-" i tried to argue. she pushed it away though "i think about loving you too"
"you wanna like- i dont know... go go on a date som-"
fuck- what...
she kissed me. SHE. KISSED. ME.
is this what fan girling is? cause if so fucking hell im fan girling so hard.
***
present day
august 30th 2014- no pov
no.
nope- hes gone three days avoiding this conversation. but here he is sitting in louis' flat, blue eyes piercing into his green ones.
when louis came rushing into his flat the day the video was posted, harry had only just woken up from passing out due to his panic attack.
but all louis did was hold him in his arms as harry broke down crying.
now though? well now he is gonna have to talk about it because simon had called him- luckily louis answer but he could hear how angry the man was.
it terrified the twenty year old to death. he hates conflict with a passion. so hearing someone yell about his 'mistakes' doesnt do him any good.
"love?"
he refused to make eye contact. nope not today. his legs started shaking and began picking at his nails. until louis hand was placed over his own.
"harry, please. i know its scary to talk about because what you did the other day was really big and nerve racking"
"i dont want to talk about it..."
a small yet soft sigh left louis' mouth as he sat down next to him "i know you dont... so why dont we read some comments on it instead and maybe if one of them says something you are think you point to it"
harry liked that idea, so thats what they did. they were laying down, wrapped in each others arms scrolling through comments (video paused)
somehow though, within three days the video was now the most viewed video in youtube history- which is insane.
niallspotatoes28 : 'i think i just had a heart attack'
katiestylinson : 'lets go kill management everyone:)'
larryproof17 : ' *intensely makes video analyzing song* '
gracemalik : 'its about homophobia- him not allowed to come out. his lover is louis. hes the giggle. fuck... he went to conversion therapy...'
marissaking replying to gracemalik : 'thats exactly where he met sam isnt it? they met at fucking conversion therapy...'
gracemalik replying to marissaking : 'do you remember the two months harry went MIA from all social media? back in like 2011? i think thats when he went...'
marissaking replying to gracemalik : 'oh my god...'
although the comments didnt help him try and express the way he felt. so they stopped.
"what if mum looks at the comments..." he mutters, a nervous wreck. louis closed the laptop and pulled him closer "is this whats its all about? youre mum?"
"she just... she deserves so much bettter than whats about to come lou..."
there was a stiff pause before the other boy replied "personally, i dont think she has read the comments. she called you the day of, after watching the video but she didnt mention the comments."
"well either way- i shouldve told her three years back. but how do you tell the person who has never left your side. who never went a day without telling you they loved you. who supported you through everything... the person who you have no secrets with that at the mere age of sixteen-seventeen... you were forced on a plane- sent to ohio and was told everything that has made you well you is wrong and no one would accept you..."
tears formed in his eyes "that being a gay artist isnt going to get you anywhere. so they force you to look at pictures of girls and to get you hard and make you get off to the photo and when that doesnt work, they shoved drugs down your throat... then you kept throwing them up and realized: doing that felt nice... so you kept doing it... and when that wasnt enough you turned to cutting open your thighs and wrists, then one of the only people there for you had to deal with you every single day. and every time you tried to be there for her she just said 'dont worry about me superstar, right now is about you' then years later you completely regret it because she killed herself and you were half way across the world..."
by the end he was fully in tears and all louis could say was "im sorry i didnt try harder to keep you the first time. i love you"
but for harry it was more than enough.
louis tomlinson will forever be more than harry would ever dream of.
but he is so thankful that he accidentally pissed on his show four years ago.
because what would harry do without louis?
answer: nothing
____________
A/N:
OKAY SO NEXT CHAPTER IS A FLASHBACK CHAPTER IN LOUIS' POV:)
dear cass,
you now have a boyfriend
congrats to you!
-the bestest<3
stay safe everyone and take care xx -L