Forever And Always Wolfstar Fluffy One Shots

Wow... Emotions.

Here, have some angst to stave off your hunger. Part four I believe 

Set the day after the last one

TW: Assassins, nightmares, weed, other drugs mentioned, alcohol, child abuse in all forms including mental physical and s*xual, homophobia, mentions of past illegal drug testing, depressive episode described in detail, use of the word wh*re, Tell me if I need to add more

~Remus' POV~

"Good morning Cinderella, did you lose prince charming?" I nearly roll my eyes at the terrible Disney insult. This is why I dont dance. 

I sit down at a breakfast table across from James and next to Sirius. Peter must be late again. 

"Do you want me to kick his ass? Because I will. I'm looking for someone to-" Just as Sirius is about to get up and lose his shit, I grab him by his hood and sit him back down. 

"It scares them more if I don't do anything. Give it a day or so, I'll make an example out of the one that annoys me the most." I reply. Sirius huffs indignantly, but at least he's not beating someone up. I grab an apple and get up. "Now, I have to go meet Alastor. Don't. Kill. Anyone." 

I go to leave, but Sirius grabs my hand. I glance back at him, expecting him to say something, but he just taps his cheek. I roll my eyes. 

"I have to go," I say, gently tugging my arm away. I start to walk away and I hear Sirius' say 'You Bastard!" Before he jumps on my back. I laugh and turn my head slightly to kiss him. 

"There. Now will you leave me alone?" I ask, and Sirius nods. 

"I love you~" He croons, and I catch a couple of idiot rookies fake gagging across the room. So, I set Sirius down and grab him by the waist, kissing him full on the mouth. The rookies' mouths drop open and Sirius giggles, sliding his arms around my neck. 

"I love you too," I chuckle against Sirius' lips before letting go. He smiles that bright, contagious Sirius Black smile that never Fails to make me smile too, no matter how faint. 

~A while later~

"Hey, Howell," Alastor says as I settle myself in the chair across from his desk. "Testing starts next week,"

Every assassin goes through yearly testing so they can be placed with partners, or to see if they could go on missions alone. It takes three weeks. Their are four tests, the hand combat and knife combat tests are in the same week. Then you have the obstacle course, and my least favorite- the drug course. I'm exempt from that one on account of I killed my first three instructors and nearly killed the the fourth in that test. 

"Ah, yes. Which one am I leading this year?" I ask. Senior assassins usually lead one of the tests, or a group of rookies every year. Last year I did the knife course. 

"Hand-to-hand course," Alastor answers, and I tilt my head. 

"Isn't that Sirius' course?" I ask. Sirius is way better than me with his hands. Alastor sighs. 

"I'm having you lead first week because I wanted you to have as much time as possible to prepare for your drug course." Alastor won't look me in the eyes when he says this, and for a moment I don't believe that he said it. 

"My.. What? Moody, I'm exempt from that. You remember what happened last time." My heart races at all the memories come flooding back. Well- actually all I remember is the room and the feeling of pure panic. Then, that makes way for the memories of my childhood to work their way into my brain. 

"Well, we had someone step up and volunteer to run your test." Alastor says, like I didn't immediately know that my dumbass of a boyfriend set this up. 

"No. No no no. I'm not going to fucking kill my boyfriend, Alastor. I'm not going to do it. You know how good I am. So what if I lash out when I get drugged? I'm still the best you've got." 

"Remus, it may be about time that you were tested again. Given the behaviour I've seen from you in the last couple of months, and given the fact that you were drugged recently- it's probably a good idea. And if it doesn't go well, it won't happen again."

"If it doesn't go well, Alastor, Sirius will be dead." My voice is barely even a whisper. I clench my hands into fists to keep them from shaking. "I can't do it. You /know/ I can't." 

"I know that, son." Alastor's voice is somehow gentle and firm at the same time. I can't look at him, though. Can't let him see me afraid. "But Sirius was persistent. He thinks he knows how to help you." 

"I can't hurt him. I won't." I shake my head, dragging a hand through my hair. "It's just not an option."

Alastor sighs. "Well, just talk it out with him. Listen to what he has to say. It's your call, Son. I'll give you until tomorrow to think about it. You may also be running the knife tests this year, The twin's job is running long." Fabian and Gideon have been gone for about a week now. 

"Fine." I sigh. "But just know my answer is going to be no." 

~A while later, Sirius' POV~

I'm barely in the door of the library when a book whizzes past my face. 

"You mOTHERFUCKER! CAEL YR UFFERN ALLAN O FY YSTAFELL!" Oh, he really is mad. Usually I find Remus speaking Welsh hot as hell, but now I'm slightly scared. 

"Alright, so Alastor told you my plan." I say calmly, ducking under another book. Remus is sitting on top of a bookshelf, his face red because of how mad he is. 

"Yeah, he told me about your stupid fucking suicide mission!" Remus drags a hand through his hair in frustration, and I try not to show how scared I really am. No, I'm not afraid of Remus. But, I am afraid of hurting him and he seems on the verge of flipping his shit at the moment. 

"Baby, it's not a suicide mission. I know how to help you with this, and I think I might actually be able to help you with your fear."

"I'M NOT AFRAID!" Remus shouts. Alright, bad choice of words. I've never seen Remus this mad. "I just know my limits, okay? I can't handle being drugged. You can't handle being held by the arm. We all have things we can't handle, and it's not fucking fair for you to poke at my limits." Remus' voice breaks when he says the last sentence. Oh, god. He's not mad... He's scared. My poor baby. 

"Remus, just come down and let me talk to you, okay? I'm not going to force you into anything."

"This was all a bad idea, Sirius. Do you know why I never keep a partner? Why my name is 'Lone Wolf'?" He sighs. "It's because I'm unpredictable. I have anger issues and there are certain things that set me off that can't. Be. Fixed." Remus curls up in a tighter ball, pressing his face to his knees.

"Fine. If you're too stubborn to come down, I'm coming up." I walk over to the shelf and climb up carefully, settling myself in the little nook against the wall across from Remus. 

"I don't know why you're up here. I'm not changing my mind. There are just some things you can't fix, Sirius. I though we made it clear that I'm like broken glass. Sharp and can't be repaired." Remus' voice is muffled and defeated. He hugs his knees tighter, sniffling a little. 

"/I/ thought we made it clear that if you're broken, then I am too. So we might as well do our bests to function as well as we can. We don't even have to record it. I just don't want you to feel like you're going to die every time you're drugged."

Remus lifts his head. He rubs his eye, smudging tears across his cheek. Every instinct I have tells me to crawl over and hold him and pet his hair until he feels better, but we have to fix this first. "I don't feel like I'm going to die when I'm drugged." Remus whispers, barely even speaking. "I.. I get really vivid flashbacks and I don't, I don't know where I am.." 

My heart shatters. My strong, stoic boyfriend is wiping tears and avoiding my eyes because he's afraid of what I'll say. He's so ashamed that he's scared. I have to think for a couple of moments before I finally say something. 

"Remus," He really does look at me when I say his full name. "I know you don't want to do this. I know you're scared, no matter how much you don't want to be. And I will never, ever make you do something like this unless you decide you want to. I do believe that I can make this easier for you, but if you absolutely don't want to, I'll drop the whole issue and never speak of it again." My voice is soft and calm. Remus buries his head in his knees again, his fingers trembling visibly. 

"Have you watched the tapes?" Remus asks. All tests are filmed for future reference. I sigh. 

"Yes. I've watched them over and over, and I've found the flaw among each of your instructors. They were afraid of you." Remus scoffs at this. 

"My first instructor didn't even know what hit him. It was six years ago, and I've only gotten worse." Remus' voice is barely a whisper. 

"You were twelve?" I ask, and Remus nods a little. 

"I wouldn't let Alastor make me wait anymore. I knew what I was doing, but when I started to lose control I just.."

"You lashed out." I finish for him, and Remus curls up tighter. 

"He didn't even know what to do. My next instructor was terrified, and I tried so hard not to get mad but.. God, every time I start to black out all I can see is my dad." Remus rests his chin on his knees and I can see the far away look in his eyes. I take a deep breath. 

"I do know what to do though, Rem. I promise. You're going to have to trust me." I keep my voice level and calm, and I can see Remus finally start to settle down. 

"I do trust you.. Really, I do. I'm just.. Apprehensive." Remus pushes his fingers through his hair again, and this time he just looks tired. 

"You have every right to be, Angé." I murmur, watching Remus closely. "Again, I won't make you do anything unless you consent to it." Remus nods. 

"I.. I know. Okay. I'll do it. But.. Promise me you won't let me hurt you, alright?"

"You won't hurt me, Remus. We both know I can take you." I assure, and Remus nods. He takes a deep breath. 

"Okay." Remus sighs and leans his head back against the wall. "My life was so much easier when I pushed everything to the back of my mind, you know? No annoying boyfriend making me do things." Remus looks at me with a soft, barely there smile. 

"Yeah, yeah." I chuckle. "Come on, are you hungry? You missed dinner." I start to climb down. Remus climbs after me. 

"Not really. I've been nauseous for hours." Remus replies. I turn to look him over, taking in his flushed cheeks and red eyes. I tilt my head. 

"Baby, are you sick?" I reach up to feel Remus' forehead, then his neck. 

"I'm fine," Remus tries to push me away, but I already know.

"I'll get you some soup and ibuprofen. Go lay down," I press up on my toes to kiss Remus' cheek, then turn to leave without giving him a chance to protest. 

~A while later~

"Sirius, I'm not sick! I get nauseous when I'm anxious, it's nothing." Is remus' argument as to why he doesn't want to take the two small pills I'm holding in the palm of my hand. I sigh and sit beside him on the window sill. This isn't about him not being sick. I believe that its probably just from his anxiety, but I don't want to take any chances. 

"I believe you, baby, but I'd rather not risk it. It's just ibuprofen. It won't hurt you. Even if you aren't sick, it might make you stop complaining about your back for a little while." I try not to sound like I'm trying to reassure him, even if I am. Remus doesn't seem to be in the mood for coddling. I try to coddle him as much as I can when he'a feeling soft, because most of the time he's in this mood. The 'I don't need you, fuck off.' mood. 

"Fine. If I take it will you leave me alone?" He doesn't mean to sound hurtful, so I don't take it to heart. 

"Will you compromise and nap with me? I have graveyard shift guard duty tonight." I suggest, as Remus reluctantly swallows the pills. Well, at least he did it. 

"Yeah. Sorry. I.. I'm just not used to shit like this yet." Remus says, pulling me by my hand to lay beside him on the window sill. I curl up against his side, knowing that he will not let me hold him under any circumstances when he's like this. It doesn't bother me, though. 

"Keyword yet, my darling." I lean up to kiss Remus' cheek, and a flutter of pride flares in my chest at the soft smile it causes. 

I settle down next to Remus, my heart jumping around all over the place when Remus smooths my hair behind my ear. Fuck, he's just so gentle and sweet. No one would ever guess. 

"I love you," Remus whispers, and I can feel his hand start to shake when he says it. So, I grab his other hand in one of my own and press a kiss to his shoulder. 

"Love you too, Moony." I whisper back, half asleep. Remus squeezes my hand, settling the blanket over us. 

I love him so fucking much. 

~A few days later, Remus' POV~

"Hey, Howell! I thought your callsign was Wolf, not Padfoot!" I hear a rookie call from not even twenty feet away. I just roll my eyes and wrap my arm around  Sirius, who's laughing at a story James is telling. He leans against my side, glancing up at me with those big grey eyes. 

"You alright, Moons?" He asks, looking so adorable with a messy bun and no makeup. James dragged him out of bed a half an hour ago, and yet he still manages to look flawless. 

"I'm fine. Choosing which little fucker I'm going to sent to the infirmary." I reply. Sirius nods and goes back to his excited rambling with James. I swear the two of them have their own language, because I can't keep up. 

"His mum left him, that's why he doesn't like girls." I tense at that. Sirius must have heard it too, because he stops talking for a moment. 

"No broken bones, and don't kill him." Is all Sirius says before going back to his conversation with James. 

I get up and walk over to the rookie. He's a scrawny little dumbass, with slicked back brown hair and taunting blue eyes that just scream 'stereotypical fucking jock'  

But I don't say anything. I keen my jaw set firm, and I cross my arms. A little tactic I learned from Alastor to intimidate your opponent. Stay quiet, let them cower for a moment before you speak. 

"Would you like to say that to my face, mate?" I'd like to call him something mean, but that's just cheap. The boy has gone pale, and I think he might faint before his friend punches him in the arm. 

"Come on, Josh! You can take this faggot nerd." The other boy, a smaller one with blond hair encourages. I roll my eyes. 

"Yeah, Josh. You can take me, can't you? That's why you said what you said, right? Because you have the skills to back up your jokes when they turn on you? Right?" I smirk. "Or maybe you're just trying to impress your punk ass friend and that pretty lass," I nod my head to the girl at the table, who looks like she's about to die just because of my presence. "By trying to get my attention." 

"I- I-.." Josh trips over his words, standing up finally. I nearly chuckle at how small he is compared to me, but I don't. That would be mean. 

"You- you what? You're sorry? I've been looking for the right little fucker to make an example of, Josh. I think I may have just found the right cocky little rookie that doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut." I grab Josh by his collar, watching the way he flinches before I even hit him. 

"Oh, and when you get out of the infirmary, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell all of your dumbass friends to keep their mouths shut as well. I can only beat up so many dumb jocks before it's just not fun anymore." 

And then I hit him. 

~Sirius' POV~

I turn to watch Remus when I hear the room errupt in whispers and squeals. The way he fights is clean and fair. He actually let's the rookie think that he has a chance before he's beating his ass. 

"Oh fuck, the kid pulled a knife!" James points out and my heart leaps into my throat, but the boy barely even knicks Remus before he laughs and kicks the knife out of his hand. 

"Oh come on, you're no fun." Remus grins as he says this, pinning the boy to the wall by his skinny little throat. 

It goes on for probably five more minutes before Remus finally gets bored and kicks the boy in the chest, knocking him to the ground. It's not as hard as you might think, when the boy is a foot shorter than him. 

I get up, because I can see that spark in Remus' eyes and I know he's not going to stop. That boy insulted his mum, not just him. That's a sore spot. 

Just as Remus is about to keep going, I get to him and grab his arm. "Come on, Baby." My words pull Remus from his cloud of anger, and he follows my lead back go the couch. 

"Why didn't you let me-"

"Because you weren't mad at him anymore, Remus." I look up at my boyfriend, who looks a cross between annoyed and afraid of himself. "I didn't want you to take out your general anger on a dumb kid." 

Remus slowly nods. "Yeah, thanks." He says, glancing over to where the guy's two friends are practically carrying him to the infirmary. "That could have gone bad."

~A week later, Remus' POV~

"Hey, babe," Sirius strolls into the small room where we conduct tests. I roll my eyes. 

"It's Remus when we're working, Sirius. You know that." I say, holding the cap of my pen between my teeth as I mark the date on Sirius' sheet. 

"Aw, you're no fun when you're working!" Sirius pouts, cracking his knuckles. 

"I'm plenty of fun. I may even give you a chance today," I tease lightly, setting my own down. "Hand to hand today, and your knife test is tomorrow at four." I continue, and Sirius nods, stealing my pen to write that on his hand. 

"Alright, let's get this done so I can continue watching my badass boyfriend from the camera." Sirius grins at me, crossing his arms. "I'm going to beat you, this time." 

"Sure, Padfoot. Also, creepy." I pause. "Alright, let's see how long it takes you to get me to give up." I start the stop watch around my neck, and then we're fighting. 

It takes a few minutes for something to actually happen, because I'm playing defense and Sirius tends to take things slow when he fights. 

"Come on, Black." I taunt, stepping forward. Sirius laughs. 

"But I'll hurt your pwetty faacce!" He says, and while I'm distracted he dodges left and knocks me in the back with his elbow. Then, he sweeps my feet out from under me and gets me on my back, pressing his foot to my sternum. 

"Now, that was smart. I can appreciate that." I grab Sirius' ankle and pull him down, rolling out of the way to keep him from falling right on top of me. I smirk, looking down at him. "But you're cocky." 

"I'm not cocky." Sirius huffs, sitting up and pushing me back down. "Aren't you supposed to let me win?"

"No." I reply evenly, looking up at Sirius. "Your goal is to tire me out until I give up. Not to win." I am a bit out of breath, I'll give him that. 

We spend another ten minutes scuffling before Sirius finally gets me pinned on my stomach, both of us panting and out of breath. 

"Okay, okay. I'm done." 

"I'm not letting you up until you say 'you win, baby.'," Sirius says, and I can practically see the proud smirk on his face. 

"You win." I mutter begrudgingly. 

"You win, /baby/." Sirius says again. I roll my eyes. 

"You win, annoying pain in my ass." I jostle Sirius and he finally gets off of me with a soft laugh. I turn off the stop watch. "Fifteen minutes. Best I've seen today." I say with a little smile, getting up. 

"The best you've seen ever." Sirius crosses his arms. I roll my eyes and write his time down. He's not wrong, the next best beside that is thirty five minutes and that guy was in his mid twenties and nearly fucking killed me. 

"Oh, hush up and get out. I have other people to test." I feel Sirius wrap his arm gently around my waist, and I roll my eyes again. He's such an idiot. 

"Sirius, for real. I'll cuddle with you later, I have four more tests to get done today." Sirius slides his hand over my shoulder, pressing up on his toes to kiss my cheek. 

"Alright. Don't get too stressed out, okay? You're allowed to take a break." His voice is soft and gentle against my ear, and I let myself take a deep breath. 

"Yeah, I know. But I prefer to get things done and then relax later." I reply, standing up a little straighter to kiss the top of Sirius' head. He smiles and presses up on his toes to give me a kiss on the lips. I smile and nuzzle our noses together, kissing him back for a few moments before pulling away. 

Sirius' tries to go in for another kiss, but I turn my head so he kisses my cheek instead. "Alright, Pads. Send Josh in." I say. Sirius bites his lip. 

"Don't kill him, okay?" He pushes my hair out of my face, which I would usually find annoying but when he does it my stomach does backflips. "Too much paper work."

I roll my eyes. "I have some self control, Sirius. Besides, I've settled our score. He pissed me off, I kicked his ass, now we're even." 

Sirius looks skeptical, but he nods. "Alright, baby." 

"My name is /Remus/." I say, even though my heart beats faster whenever he calls me that. It kind of scares me how much I like it. I'm not supposed to like being called cute nicknames. 

~That Weekend, Remus' POV~

I stretch my arms above my head as I leave my room, wandering downstairs for breakfast. I only had one mild nightmare last night and I barely woke up, which is nice because I really needed the sleep. 

I sit down at breakfast across from James, next to Peter. He's a weird little lad, but I like him well enough. 

It takes a cup and a half of coffee and a muffin before I finally realize something. 

"Where's Sirius?" I ask. He slept in his own bed last night because he had a job, but I figured he would be at breakfast. 

"I thought he was with you." James says, glancing up from his phone. My chest flares with anxiety and I nearly start to panic, but James talks again. "You should go find him, he's probably having a day."

"What does that mean?" I ask, trying to recover from the initial fear. James sighs. 

"Sirius is bipolar. Sometimes he's really really happy- and sometimes he has really, really bad days. There's a bit of gray area sometimes, but I'm leaning more towards bad day today, because it's ten thirty and he's not awake." 

I take in what James said, and nod. I've had my bouts with depression- so I have some experience. 

"Alright. Anything I should know?" 

James smiles, seemingly glad that I'm not over reacting. "Well, don't make him mad. He was emotionally fucked up as a kid, so all of his bad emotions blend in to mad when he's set off the wrong way. He's going to want to be left alone. Yes, leave him alone, but bring him lunch because he'll go days without eating because he's unmotivated. Take him something that smells like you- preferably a stuffie because he already has hoodies of yours, but you don't seem like the type of guy to have stuffed animals, so I would go with a blanket or a pillow. Other than that, just be really gentle with him." James seems very experienced with this, so I take mental notes. 

I get up, giving James an appreciative nod. "Thanks, mate." I say before heading off and to my room. 

I think for a few moments, not sure what to take Sirius. James was wrong- I do have stuffed animals. Well, I have one. It's soft and it helps with my anxiety. I don't really display it, though, so I can see why he would think that. I haven't really needed it since Sirius and I started dating, though, because he's better than a teddy bear. 

I go over to my closet, which is supposed to be like a broom closet or something but I use it for clothes. I dig around until I uncover my fuzzy little wolf. It's not very big, maybe the size of my forearm but it's very soft and that's what matters. 

Hopefully, Sirius won't make fun of me for having a stuffed animal in the first place. Even if he does, at least he'll be smiling. 

After getting a blanket for Sirius and working up some courage, I head out of the room and down the hall to Sirius' room. 

I knock gently on Sirius' door. A groggy 'it's open' comes from inside and I open the door, closing it behind me once I'm inside. 

"Hey, did you have a nightmare?" Sirius sounds concerned, probably because I have a blanket and I just came into his room in what he assumes is the middle of the night. Then, it dawns on him. "Oh shit, what time is it?" He reaches for his phone, checking the time and groaning. "I'm sorry-" 

"It's fine, Love." I cut Sirius off before he can get too anxious, going to kneel beside his bed. "Are you alright?" I ask, because I'm not sure how to go about this. 

"Yeah, I'm just not feeling great." Sirius mumbles, his face buried in his pillow. I bite the inside of my lip. He sounds so... Dull. I spread the blanket over him, and I can practically feel Sirius' smile. He peeks up from his pillow, and I offer him the wolf. 

Sirius tilts his head as he accepts the stuffed animal, curling up under the covers and holding it to his chest. "I didn't take you for a guy that likes stuffies." Sirius mumbles, his bright grey eyes avoiding mine. 

"You didn't take me as a guy to admit it, either, but here we are." I say with a soft smile. "Do you need anything?" I ask, and Sirius shakes his head a little. 

"I'll be fine- space is the only thing that helps." His voice is just a soft whisper. I nod. 

"Alright then." I check my watch. "I'll be back in an hour and a half with lunch. Is there anything in particular that you want?" I ask. 

"I'm not really hungry." Sirius replies. 

"I know, but you still have to eat. Anything you want, it doesn't even have to be good for you." I say, and Sirius thinks for a moment before answering. 

"Can I have pie?" He asks, and I see that little spark in his eyes that settles the tightness in my chest. He's going to be okay.

"Of course." I reply. I get up, starting to head out. "I will be back with pie in an hour and a half. 

"Re?" Sirius calls after me, and I turn back to look at him. "Thank you."

A smile curves at my lips. "No problem, babe. I love you." 

"Love you too." Sirius mumbles into his new stuffed animals head, and I head out. 

~Sirius' POV~

I bury my face in my new favorite stuffie's head, letting Remus' scent wash over me and trying to get myself to relax. Everything just feels so heavy and.. I don't know. Moving is just too much right now. I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. I've tried mood stabilizers, but none of them helped. So, I just deal with it. 

Eventually, I build up the strength to pick up my phone and text James that I'm alright, because that's one of our rules for my depressive moods. I don't read his reply, because the screen is hurting my eyes. 

My mind buzzes with thoughts. I think about all of the different things that I should be doing right now, like preparing for my obstacle course test or cuddling my boyfriend or /anything/, but even getting out of bed feels like too much. The stuffie is helping, though, and the weight of the extra blanket makes me feel a little less tense.

I close my eyes and try to sleep, even though I know I can't. Sometimes all I can do is sleep when I'm in a low, but other times I'm wired and having a depressive episode at the same time- like today

After what I'm assuming is an hour and a half but I don't really know, Remus gently knocks on the door and steps into my room. I admire how gentle he's being- he's generally not that type of person. I really do appreciate it, though. I'll tell him that when words don't feel like the hardest thing in the world. 

Remus sits beside my bed and offers me a saucer with a piece of strawberry pie- my favorite- and ice cream on top. I gladly accept it, sitting up so I don't get ice cream all over the wolf, who I have decidedly named Nova. 

"Get up here," I'm taken aback at my own voice, but I really don't have enough energy to dwell on  it. I nudge Remus with my foot, and he gets up onto the bed beside me. I can practically feel him relax when I wriggle my way under his arm, cuddling into his side because I've drifted into the section of my depressive moods where I need cuddles. 

"You feeling better, babe?" Remus runs his fingers through my hair, untangling what I know is a ratted mess but I don't have the energy to think about it. 

"A little." I mumble and it's not a lie, I am feeling a little bit more human. "There are variations- sometimes I need cuddles and sometimes I can't handle being touched." I eat a little bit of my pie and it's really good, but I'm just not hungry. 

Remus nods, and I can hear him taking mental notes. "That's good to know," He replies, and just hearing his voice makes me relax the slightest bit. 

Eventually I do finish my slice of pie, and by the time I've done that talking isn't so hard anymore. Remus gets up to leave and part of me still wants to be alone, but another, bigger, part of me wants to let him hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. 

"Rem?" Remus turns back, nearly dropping the plate. "Cuddles and a whole season of Supernatural sounds amazing right now." I hug my knees, my heart nearly beating out of my chest at the way Remus smiles. He's so fucking handsome. 

"I'll go get my laptop." 

Fifteen minutes later, Remus is under the blankets with me and hugging me from behind, as we watch the opening scene of an episode of Supernatural. I've seen the whole series, so it doesn't really matter which one it is. All that matters is the arm wrapped around my waist, the foot tucked between my own, and the boy that's keeping me together. 

"I'm sorry." I find myself whispering because Remus shouldn't have to do this. He shouldn't have to deal with my stupid emotions because he's got enough of his own. I should be able to get out of bed and deal with it, but it just too hard sometimes. It shouldn't be. I should be better. But it is. 

"For what?" Remus nuzzles at my neck. "Did you use my toothbrush or something?" He's got to be joking, right? He can't actually be okay with having a broken idiot like me for a boyfriend. 

"For.. This. Making you deal with this." 

Remus doesn't say anything for a few moments. My chest tightens because I think I said something wrong, but then Remus tilts my head with his fingers so he can kiss me. I kiss back, even though I'm confused. How is he not running away right now? I'm obviously too fucked up for him. 

"Sirius, you're perfect." Well, that's not what I was expecting. "You're loud and excited and passionate- and I love that. And if sometimes you need to be left alone or you need to just be quiet and cuddle- I love that too." Remus nuzzles our noses together, and by the tone of his voice I can tell he means it. We're trained to tell when people are lying, but Remus isn't. 

"You must /like/ being cut by glass, then," I say, and Remus rolls his eyes at my phrasing. 

"Using my own words against me. Mean." He smiles, though. "I know how you feel, trust me I do. But you also need to realize that you could do just about anything, and I would still come running back to you because I don't just love you, Sirius. I need you." 

A smile quirks at my lips. "Baby, that's a little toxic-" I tease, but he's already pulling me into a kiss. 

"Who cares? It works." Remus mumbles against my lips, and I pull him into a harder kiss with my arms around his shoulders because he's completely right.

 It does work.

And I need him just as much as he needs me. 

~A few days later, Remus' POV~

I watch the TV set up in the rec room displaying footage of the testing area, cheering Sirius on as he makes his way flawlessly over hurdles and through tunnels and up ladders. I've always admired how quick and precise Sirius is in his movements, it's one of the things that I first noticed about him. 

"He climbs well for a guy his size, doesn't he?" I glance over my shoulder at Josh, cocking an eyebrow. 

"Josh, I'm 6'4 and there's no way in hell I could clear that wall as clean as he just did. Climbing and agility have nothing to do with height- that's all skill." I say, crossing my arms over my chest in a show of dominance as I often do in front of people. You really wouldn't guess it if you read my thoughts or saw me with my boyfriend, but I'm an introverted, scary killing machine that enjoys scaring people. 

Josh nods. "Are you teaching a class of rookies this month, Remus?" Wow, this kid has balls. Two statements directed at me, the first most likely a lead up to the question. 

"I usually do, don't I? Don't you have places to be, kid?" I ask, rolling my eyes. Josh shifts around uncomfortably. I cock an eyebrow. "You okay? Do you have to pee or something?"

"No, I just- you're a very difficult man to speak to, Remus." Josh sighs. "Especially when the first time I did speak to you, you broke my nose." A smirk quirks at my lips at that. 

"You didn't speak to me. You insulted my mother. And I told you when we did your tests, you and I are good. Just don't piss me off ag- you cocky bastard, you just put ten seconds on your time!" I facepalm at my stupid boyfriend. Josh jumps at my exclamation. 

"Okay. Good, because I'm a rookie this month and I just wanted to make sure we were square." Josh says, scratching his neck. I chuckle. 

"How old are you, mate?" I ask, glancing away from the TV to take a good look at Josh. He is younger than I thought he was. 

"Fourteen." Josh says, and I nod. 

"Well, if you're in my class don't worry because I'm really not that much of a dick. I have my rules, and I make you guys follow them. If you're in his class-" I point to my boyfriend, who is currently doing a victory dance on camera. "Good fucking luck."

"Alright. Thanks, Remus." Josh walks off, and I chuckle. I beat the shit out of a fourteen year old. Fun. 

"Did you see me, babe!? That was awesome!!" Sirius hugs my shoulders and I have to actually tell myself not to flinch, because I'm still not used to that. 

"Yeah, I saw you. Cocky dumbass, you could have had a faster time if you would have just jumped that hurdle instead of doing that flashy move."

"Ah, but it was fun, Moony!" Sirius jumps over the couch, cuddling up to my side. "I'll still be number one, you mark my words." He looks up at me, his eyes bright and sparkling with excitement, that big, mischievous smile on his face and I cant help but lean forward and press a soft kiss to his forehead. He's just so damn cute. Sirius giggles at that, kissing my cheek in return. 

"I'm sure you will be number one, Pads." I reply, and Sirius seems too dazed to remember what he had said. Then he does remember, and he laughs. 

"Oh, you don't think you're going to get number one in everything like every other year?" Sirius asks, sliding his hand from my shoulder to my neck. "Think you've gotten soft now that you're with me?" 

"No, I'll get number one in everything else." I reply. "But, you have a natural talent for agility, Sirius. It's amazing to watch, really. And not only because your ass looks great in those jeans, although that is part of it. You have this way of doing things so precisely and perfectly, and yet you're still having fun with it. It's admirable, really." 

Sirius nuzzles his face into my shoulder. "Did you just say that you /admire/ me, Moony?" 

I roll my eyes. "I can appreciate God given talent when I happen upon it, Sirius." I say, and Sirius practically glows with pride. 

"Did you appreciate it before you realized I have a nice ass, or after?" Sirius hugs his knees to my chest, watching Josh stumble though the obstacle course. 

"Before, but that did make it better. He's a rookie this month, you know?" Every month, the kids from the nursery that are ready to start training, from 13-16 usually, are placed into classes and go through a month long course with a senior assassin. I've taught eight classes over the last two years, and I will again this month. For some reason, Moody thinks I'm good with kids. 

"Man, I thought he was a little older than that."  Sirius says. "You teaching this month?" He asks, and I nod. 

"Yeah, I'm stuck with you." I chuckle, and Sirius laughs. 

"Mhm! Maybe I can get you to loosen up with those rookies, I've heard you're a bit of a hard ass." 

"I'm not that bad. I act like their teacher, not their friend." I absently play with Sirius' hair, because I love watching his lashes flutter whenever I touch him. 

"Well, I still have three weeks to make you a more fun teacher." Sirius says with a big grin. "Now go take your test, I'm looking forward to watching you." Sirius winks at me, kissing my cheek before I get up. 

"Creep."

~Later, Sirius' POV~

I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders and I smile, glancing up to find Barty-

BARTY?

I push Barty away from me, reaching for my knife but it's still in my room. Everyone has gathered in the rec room to celebrate the end of the second week of testing. My heart nearly beats out of my chest. 

"Hey, cupcake." Barty smiles. "What's wrong, miss me?" 

"God dammit, Crouch!" Alastor grabs Barty by the arm just as I feel Remus put his hand on my shoulder. 

"What happened?" Remus asks, and I hear that low tone that he gets in his voice when he's pissed off. 

"Yeah, slut, what happened? Did you go running to that dumbass as soon as you dumped me? Your were probably sleeping with him while we were together. It wouldn't surprise me, honestly. You're such a whore." I cross my arms over my stomach, trying not to listen to Barty. 

"Nothing, it's fine." I mumble, pushing Remus' hand off. Bad idea, because without me to worry over, Remus doesn't have a deterrent for fucking killing Barty. 

"You mother FUCKER!" Remus grabs Barty by the throat and I try to set my drink down and rush forward to stop him, but someone grabs my arm. I look up at James, trying not to acknowledge the sick feeling in my stomach. 

"James, what the hell? Let me go!" I pull against James, but he won't let go. 

"I know you don't understand, but he has to do this." James says, oddly calm. "Barty insulted you, Remus is protecting you."

"I can protect mySELF! Just because I'm small doesn't mean I'm helpless, Potter!" I growl, but James still doesn't let me go. In fact, he smiles. 

"Sirius, every time a rookie razzes Remus you threaten to beat the shit out of them. Just for making fun of him. Barty /hurt/ you. You would do the same thing for Remus and you know it." James says. He let's go of my arm and I sigh. 

"What if Barty has a point, though? I mean, I did go running right to Remus when we broke up.."

"Just because he's butt hurt that you left him, does not give him the right to call you names like that. It's childish and downright mean. And you didn't go running right to Remus. You never stopped loving Remus, Barty just forced you into staying with him." James puts his hand on my shoulder, and I watch as Remus pins Barty to the ground. 

"If you /ever/ speak to him that way again, I will snap your scrawny little neck myself." Remus growls with his knife to Barty's throat, and the tone of his voice makes me feel safe and terrified at the same time. "Are we clear?" Barty doesn't answer, and Remus presses his knee down between Barry's shoulder blades. "Are. We. Clear?" He asks again, and Barty nods. 

Remus gets up, wipes the blood off of his nose, and then looks at me. "You okay, babe?" He asks me, and it's a hard question because yes, I'm better. But no, I don't feel better. But.. What James said makes sense. Remus needed to defend me because he loves me. 

I rush forward and hug Remus tight, burying my face in his chest. He kisses the top of my head, and after a moment I look up at him. 

"Yes, I'm okay. But if you /ever/ do that again I will not hesitate to knock you the fuck out. I can take care of myself, and you need to realize that." I'm not as mad as I was before, but I'm still a little annoyed. Remus smiles, even though his lip is split. 

"I know you can take care of yourself, Sirius. That wasn't me taking care of you. That was me defending your honor because I love you and you deserve it. Also, he tried to kill you. There was a lot of pent up anger in that." Remus tucks his arms around my waist, twirling us around in time to the music blasting from the speakers. He's clumsy, but I appreciate the effort

"It was kind of hot watching you go all dark side," I murmur, wrapping my arms around Remus' neck. 

"I can't believe that they just brought him in." Remus points out, changing the subject. It's easy to tell that he hates losing it like that. "It's been weeks." 

I shrug. "Maybe he's just good at hiding. I mean, it's not like they have much to learn from him at this point." I giggle as Remus spins me around. I nearly fall, probably because I'm tipsy but also because Remus isn't very good at this. 

"True enough. But, the thought of him and my father in a room at the same time makes me nervous. A young impressionable idiot and my evil father together probably isn't a good idea" Remus says, pulling me back into his arms. I smile and just hug his neck, resting my head on his chest. He may not be good at this, but I love being held. 

"It'll be okay, Rem. If Barty puts a toe out of line you can just kill him." I giggle, and I feel Remus' chest rumble with a soft chuckle as well. 

"Why didn't you defend yourself? You get all huffy with me for defending you, but that look on your face- how could I not?" Remus asks, tilting my chin up to pull me into a kiss. "You're too beautiful be upset." 

I smile a little, hiding my face again. "I don't know." But I do know. And Remus knows that I know, because I can't lie to him. 

"We'll talk about it later, then." Remus murmurs, running his fingers oh so gently through my hair. We head back over to the couch and settle beside James and lily, opposite Peter and his girl of the night. I cuddle up under Remus' arm, not feeling very social anymore. 

What if Barty was right? What if I really did do something awful to him and it's my fault that he ran back to his parents? 

Remus plays with my hair, letting me retreat into my head while he carries on a conversation with James. The room has gotten quiet, as it usually does when Remus does so much as raise his voice. He has this commanding, loud presence when he's pushed too far that just makes people go silent. It's starting to get louder now, though, and I think I hear someone whispering about 'he only likes padfoot. Only him!' 

That makes me feel just a little bit better. 

~Later, around 1 am, Remus' POV~

I fall into bed with Sirius, both of us all giggles and happy kisses. We're both borderline drunk, although Sirius is a bit worse. 

"Baby!" Sirius squeals when I tickle his rib cage, kissing all over his adorable face. I nuzzle my face into his neck, pressing gentle kisses along the curve of his jaw. 

"I love you." I can't help but say it. He's just so cute and my heart is bursting with love, and what happened earlier doesn't help. What Barty said clearly got to Sirius, and I hate that. The look on his face just killed me and I lost my cool. 

Sirius giggles, hugging my waist and pulling me down on top of him. I smile and cuddle close, feeling unusually soft in this moment. Booze always does make me a little emotional, and right now its making me want to hug my beautiful boyfriend and never let go. 

Sirius threads his fingers through my hair and I swear, it's the best feeling in the world. He kisses the top of my head, and I can't help but let myself relax for the first time this week. It scares me how easily Sirius can calm me down, but at the same time I love it. 

We lay here for a while, cuddling and laughing about things that we wouldn't find funny if we were sober. Finally, we settle into a comefortable position with me on my back, Sirius cuddled up to my side with his head on my chest. I cover him up with a blanket, pushing aside the fact that we're still in our day clothes. 

"I love you, you know." I whisper, as Sirius reaches to hold my hand. I twine our fingers together, bringing our hands up to kiss his knuckles. 

"Aw, Moony! I love you too!" Sirius giggles, nuzzling his face into my neck. I smile, never really having seen him drunk before. He told me once that he hates not being in control. Seeing him so excited and free is kind of great. 

"Ri, are you drunk enough to give me an honest answer?" I ask, because this is eating at me and I need to know. 

"Mmhm!" Sirius answers, nodding his head eagerly. 

"Why didn't you defend yourself earlier? I know you can, so why didn't you?"

"Because he was right." Sirius answers, like that wasn't going to tear my heart from my body. "I left him for you and that wasn't cool. I hurt him." Sirius sighs, hiding his face when I sit up to look at him. 

"Baby, the only reason you were with him in the first place is because I didn't have my priorities straight." A heavy weight settles in my chest at what Sirius said. He really thinks that. And it's all my fault for not nutting up and staying with him. "And even if you did hurt him, that doesn't give him the right to do what he did. What he said to you was awful, even if he had been joking." 

Sirius sits up and hugs his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them. "But.. What if I really did hurt him and he's just acting like he's mad but he's really hurt? I wasn't very nice when I dumped him, Rem." Sirius mumbles, burying his face in his knees. 

"If I remember correctly, I broke up with him for you. And I most certainly wasn't nice about it. He /hit/ you, Sirius. He deserved worse than he got." I try my best to get through to Sirius, but I can tell he doesn't believe me. He sighs. 

"Maybe you're right.."

"No maybes, darling. I'm right." Sirius crawls into my lap, settling with his legs around me and his head buried in my neck. I wrap my arms tight around him, wrapping a blanket around us. 

"You ruined my buzz." Sirius mutters, and I laugh. 

"Sorry, baby. I'll get you drunk again another day."

"You'd better." Sirius replies, although he probably won't want to any other time. 

~Later that night, early morning actually about five am~

For once, I don't wake up in a cold sweat. I wake up to Sirius squirming around in my arms, mumbling softly as he does. 

"Hey, Siri it's okay.." I soothe, hardly awake. At first I thought he was awake and just a little restless, but I'm realizing that he's dead asleep. As I wake up a little more, I notice that he's mumbling frantically in French, with soft whimpers of 'no' between phrases. 

"Sirius, wake up." I say, a bit louder this time. I push Sirius' sweaty hair off of his face, gently rubbing his back to try and wake him up. He's shaking like a fucking leaf, this can't be normal. 

"Baby, come on. Wake up, you're safe." I feel like an idiot spewing reassurances, but he's not waking up and I don't really know what else to do. 

"Reg, no!" Oh, that one was clear, and it breaks my heart. He's dreaming about his brother. Sirius shifts away from where I'm touching his back. 

"Sirius!" I say with a firm shake to Sirius' shoulder. That finally, /finally/ gets him to wake up. His bright, terrified eyes glance around frantically as he tries to figure out where he is. "It's alright, Pads. You're safe." I say when he catches my eye. 

"Re.." Sirius' eyes get teary and he buries his face in my chest to hide it, but I already saw. 

"I'm right here, love. It's okay." I murmur against the top of Sirius' head. He's trying not to cry, but I can feel him shaking. I'm not quite sure if that's from crying, though. 

It takes probably ten minutes of Sirius crying and me trying to console him before he finally calms down enough to talk to me. 

"Do I have a fever?" Is the first thing Sirius asks, and I'm a little confused. 

"What-?"

"I only have that one when I'm running a fever, just humor me." Sirius sniffles and rubs at his eyes. I comply and press my hand gently to his forehead. 

"Fuck, you're burning up." That would explain why he's shivering. Sirius nods, burying his face in my chest again. 

"Do you have a trash can in here?" 

I nod. "Yeah," And I'm already getting up, because if he's asking then he probably needs it. 

I hand Sirius the bin, then I'm pulling his hair out of his face because I was right, he definitely did need it. 

Sirius groans, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "Sorry." He mumbles, and my heart aches because he expects me to be upset. 

"It's okay, Love. Let's get you to the infirmary then I'll come back and take care of that, okay?" I nuzzle our noses together, and Sirius gives me a bashful little smile. 

"You're too good to me." Sirius says as I help him up and out of the room, heading to the infirmary. 

"Just because you're Poppy's apprentice doesn't mean that you don't need someone to take care of you when you're sick, Pads." I say with a gentle smile, tucking my arm around Sirius' waist. 

"Still, you're too sweet." Sirius giggles, a little delirious. Poor baby. 

"Oh, Sirius what have you done now?" Is the first thing that poppy asks when we get to the infirmary. 

"Do I have to have done something to come see you, dear Poppy?" Sirius grins, hopping up on a bed like he owns the place. 

"Yes." Poppy says. "Yes, you do." 

~Sirius' POV~

Remus kisses me on the cheek and then leaves the room, probably to clean up the mess I made. 

"Alright kiddo, what's up?" Poppy presses her hand to my head. "You're burning up."

"Well, I had a nightmare, threw up, and now we're here." I answer. "I'm also really light headed," I add. 

"Lay down, I don't need you passing out on me. How long have you felt ill?" Poppy asks as I lay back, closing my eyes so I don't have to watch the room spin. 

"I was fine until I woke up." I answer, holding my stomach because it's starting to churn again and I really don't want to throw up again. 

"What did you have to drink tonight?" Poppy offers me some water and I take it, realizing that I have a hangover as well. 

"I had a few drinks, but not enough to make me this sick. I know how much I can handle." I mumble, nursing the water poppy gave me. 

"Is it possible that someone could have given you something you didn't ask for?" Poppy sits on the bed beside me, giving me a couple of ibuprofen. I take them and sigh, leaning my head back against the wall. 

"No, I was with Remus all night and he got my drinks for me." 

"Did you bump into anyone? I wouldn't put it past half of the boys here to drug you, Sirius." Poppy feels my throat, making sure my tonsils aren't swollen because I do throw up when I have strep throat. I would know if it was that, though. 

"I don't think so," I reply. "Everyone is too scared of my boyfriend to try anything with me." I chuckle, although they should probably be a little more afraid of me than my puff ball of a wolf. 

"Barty." I glance over to Remus, who is leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed. 

"What was that sleeze ball doing anywhere near you?" Poppy looks at me, even more concerned now. I glance away, because that pitiful look makes me even more sick. 

"He got away from Alastor, and he only had his arm around me for a second before Remus kicked his ass." I mumble, trying not to think about it. 

"And you had a drink in your hand." Remus says, and I realize that that's the only option. 

"Why would he only give me something to make me sick, not to kill me?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. 

"You don't know that yet." Poppy says. "How long did you use the glass?" 

"The rest of the night, but he only had like four more drinks. A bit of a light weight, that one." 

"Okay, first of all, fuck y-" Oh, I shouldnt have spoken. I get up and grab the bin from beside the bed, barfing for the second time tonight. 

"See, you just shouldn't argue with me." I can hear Remus' smirk, and I flip him off with my head still in the trash can. 

"Remus, stop being a dick and go interrogate Barty." Poppy says, gathering my curls away from my face. 

"Hell yeah!" Remus practically runs off and I sigh, resting my forehead on the side of the bin. 

"Well, you just gave him permission to kill." 

~A while later~

Remus walks back into the infirmary, strutting like a fucking king. well, shit. If I were any less sick I would be worried for Barty. He hands a pill bottle to Poppy, then walks over to me, crouching beside the bed. 

"Hey, Beautiful." Remus pushes my hair from my face and fuck, I shouldn't be able to feel this loved. He's just so sweet when it's just us. "Feeling any better?" He asks and I nod, even though I'm curled up hugging my stomach. 

Remus crawls up into the bed beside me, gathering me into his arms and against his chest. I can't help the loving smile that curves at my lips as I nestle my face into his neck. 

"Let me see your hands." I mumble, because Remus looked too proud of himself to not have bloody knuckles. 

"Don't worry about that, you can yell at me when you feel better." Remus says as he brushes his fingers through my hair. It makes my heart feel better just to have him holding me, but that does nothing for my stomach. 

"I'll take you up on that." I reply, shutting up because if I keep talking I'm going to throw up again. 

"Well, good news is you're not going to die." I hear poppy say. 

"Yaaaaay.." I reply sarcastically. "Bad news?"

"You're going to be sick for about three days." Poppy says, and I groan. 

"Fun."

~The next day, Remus' POV~

"Morning, sleeping beauty." I chuckle as sirius walks into the common area with messy hair and red cheeks. He flips me off and crawls into my lap. 

"Fuck, how sick are you?" James looks worried, as usual. "You always hide it so well."

"I'm not sick James, I was poisoned. There's a difference." Sirius replies, pulling my arms around his waist for cuddles, even if he's grumpy and sick. 

I listen to James and Sirius bicker and talk for a while, not feeling very social today. It's not like I don't like James, or my boyfriend, sometimes talking to them just gets exhausting. 

"You okay, love?" Sirius asks as James rambles on about something. I nod, twirling one of his perfect curls around my finger. 

"Yeah.. Just not social today." I reply, and Sirius' kisses my cheek before going back to his conversation about something along the lines of 'that fucking intersection were he was almost killed'

I love watching Sirius talk. Even when he feels sick and gross, he's still talking excitedly with James and gesturing wildly with his hands. He stays closer to me, though, because his fever has been making him feel cold.

W spend the better part of the day like this, curled up in the common area talking to James, then James and Peter, then just Peter because James had a job to go on. Sirius is just as excited the whole time, slowly getting sleepy because talking is taking a lot out of him. He's not one for slowing down, and he's not used to being sick. 

So, by the time we go back to my room for a nap, Sirius is exhausted. I lay him down and crawl in bed beside him, nudging him closer to the window. Sirius nuzzled his head into my chest, his cute little nose all red, along with his cheeks. 

"Mmm, I hate being sick." He mumbles, wrapping his arms around his stomach. I croon softly and run my fingers through his hair. 

"I know, love. Take a nap, you can go hang out with you friends later when I have guard duty." I assure Sirius gently, pulling a blanket up over us and tucking my arm around my practically shivering boyfriend. He mumbles grumpily, wrapping his arms around my waist. 

"Are you gonna try to sleep?" He asks, and I shake my head. 

"No, I'll be fine. Stop worrying that pretty head and go to sleep." I reply, tangling my fingers in Sirius' hair because it makes him near instantly sleepy. He hums a little indignantly, but then settles down with a soft noise of appreciation at the pets.

I watch Sirius sleep for a while, upwards of two hours, before it's time for me to head to guard duty. I had been reading for a while, but I discarded my book to watch my favorite insomniac shift around while he dreams. 

After kissing Sirius softly on the forehead, I carefully get out of bed. I leave a note telling him where I'm going, then head out. 

"You know Remus, ignoring me isn't going to make me go away." I clench my jaw at the sound of my father's voice. His infuriating, manipulative voice. "You might as well come at me again, make your new dad come pull you off me again like a rabid dog. It gets worse every time you feed into it, you know. The rage. The impulses." 

At that point, I put in my earbuds. I'm not like my father. I'm not like my father. I'm /not/ like my father. 

After a few songs I calm down a little bit. Not being able to hear him makes this much easier. 

I feel a gentle hand prod at my shoulder and I nearly punch whoever touched me in the stomach, but they jump away quickly. I take out an earbuds and look up, staring into the terrified eyes of James Potter. 

"Um- Sirius said you'd be getting hangry, and I didn't want him to get out of bed, so I brought you dinner." James says, wearing holding out a plate of spaghetti towards me. 

"As usual, he's right. Calm down mate, I'm not going to hurt you." I get up and take the plate. "Is he doing alright?" I ask, sitting back down. 

"You're really scared of him? Damn, all of you must be pussies." 

"Would you like me to break a couple more of your ribs? I'd really be happy to." Is my reply, because james may not be my favorite person, but I still don't want him to be insulted. If he had said that to Sirius, I may have lost it. 

"Oh shut up, you know you want to hurt me so why don't you?"

"Because I'm. Not. You." 

~Later~

"Oh, Love." I walk in on Sirius literally curled up inside one of my hoodies, only his head poking out as he snoozes. I crouch beside him and place a soft hand on his arm. "Sirius, honey." I place my other hand over his forehead, sighing when I find that he's burning up. Sirius whimpers softly and shifts. 

"Mm.. My tummy hurts.." Sirius mumbles, wrapping his arms around his stomach. Something in me softens, my emotional walls quaking. 

"Oh, poor baby. I know." I push Sirius' hair back from his eyes, which are barely open and peering at me. "Sit up for a moment, I'll get you an ibuprofen." Sirius does as asked and I get a couple of ibuprofen out of my bedside table, handing them to him along with a bottle of water. 

"How was your shift?" Sleepy Sirius asks, taking the pills and holding on to the water. 

"Tense. I want you to finish that, then you can go back to sleep." I get up and go to change into my pajamas. Sirius settles himself back on the window sill, against all of the fluffy pillows I've acquired over the years. Once I'm dressed, I crawl into bed beside my sick baby and nudge him over to the window. 

"Why do you do that?" Sirius asks, cuddling into my chest with a big yawn. 

"Do what?" I ask, nudging the water so Sirius will take another drink. 

"Trap me." Sirius replies, and I smile, a little sheepishly. 

"Because if anyone wants to get you, they have to go through me first." 

~Two days later~

Sirius is finally feeling better today, although he's still curled up in bed and feeling icky. 

"I brought you lunch. Get up, we need to talk." I give Sirius a bowl of soup and he sits up, crossing his legs and peering at me. 

"You're not breaking up with me, right?" Sirius frowns at me. I shake my head and sit opposite him. 

"No, of course not. I think it's time you know exactly what I've been through." I take a deep breath, preparing myself for this. 

~Sirius' POV~

"Remus, you don't have to." I immediately reply, because Remus is already starting to shake. 

"Yes, I do. You deserve to know, and my drug test is in two days. You need to know exactly what you're dealing with." Remus won't look me in the eyes. I set my soup down, because this is very important. 

"Okay, baby. If you want me to know, I'm more than willing to listen." I offer Remus my hands. He takes them gratefully. 

"Okay." Remus takes a deep breath, setting his gaze on anything other than me. "So, you alreadt know my mum died when I way seven. That's when everything started with my dad. At first, it wasn't so bad. He made my do chores around the house after school and I had to learn to cook dinner, because there was no way he was going to do the 'woman's work'. That, I could deal with. That was okay. Sure, I was tired and everything but I didn't mind as long as he wasn't yelling and I had something to take my mind off of mum. Then-" Remus pauses, and his trembling gets worse. I pull gently on his hand. 

"Come here, sweetheart. You're going to make yourself sick." I gently coax Remus into laying between my legs, his head resting lightly on my chest. "Go on when you're ready." 

"Then," Remus swallows. "He got involved heavily with the death eaters, and he started developing his drug. He said that it was okay for him to use it on me because I was just his bitch and I couldn't fight. He never actually, like, full on- fuck, why is this so hard?" Remus buries his face in his hands, and I wrap my arms a little tighter around him, rubbing his back soothingly. 

"You're doing fine, baby. We've got all day." I assure Remus, pressing a soft kiss to his messy curls. 

"Yeah." Remus nods a little. "Okay. I can do this. So. He never actually fully, s#xually abuse me, but he did talk about it like he would, and he would tie me down so I couldnt move while testing his drug on me in the earlier stages, before it did that on its own. He would lay with me in bed and read me a story, then put his hand over my mouth and drag me to the basement." There's the fear of people behind him. 

"It wasn't just him, sometimes. His buddies from the death eaters or from the town council would come to see how the drug was working, see how it was effecting me negatively. The first couple of times, it almost killed me. My kidneys shut down and he was forced to take me to the E. R. Because he needed his fucking guinea pig. I also had a few seizures from the bad batches, he didn't even care about those." 

"Fuck." My nursing apprentice brain goes off big time at that. Remus chuckles, knowing what I'm thinking. 

"Yeah. It's a wonder I didn't drown in my own puke, honestly. Once I started to not react to the drug as much, he started bringing in other people. Prostitutes, or just the not so lucky uni student. Most of them died, and he did abuse them s#xually, right in front of me. They hadn't built up a tolerance, and it had gotten progressively stronger. That's why I was so worried about you."

"That.. He used it on you? Got you high and paralyzed you? When you were /seven/?" I'm pissed. Remus is so sweet and smart and he has such a beautiful soul, he didn't deserve one shred of this shit. 

"Yeah. No wonder I'm so fucked up, eh? Anyway, when I turned eleven I started to fight. I had been going to school regularly, just covering up the needle marks with long sleeves and jeans and on the off chance he put it in my neck, scarves. He made me believe it was normal. That it was okay for dad's to treat their, in his words, 'little bitch sons' like slaves because they were pushovers and they would just grow up to be some other man's bitch." 

Remus gets quiet for a few moments after that. I know he's not done, though, so I stay silent and run my fingers through his hair, waiting for him to gather himself. 

"So, I made a plan. I had stopped reacting altogether to the drug, but he didn't know that. So one day I acted paralyzed and let him kick the shit out of me. He went to take a water break and I got up and ran for the kitchen. He must have thought I was going to call nine one one, so he chased me. Instead, I grabbed a knife and I was just so mad and so scared, I stabbed him in the throat. He fell and I thought he was dead, so I ran to my room and had a complete breakdown because that was pretty much all I knew and I didn't have anywhere to go." 

I offer Remus a water bottle that he gladly takes, taking a long drink. I press soft kisses to the top of his head and his temple, then his hand that I haven't let go of yet.

"As you could guess, Alastor found me covered in blood, a shaking, sobbing mess. I didn't know who he was or what he was doing with me, but when he went to pick me up I lost it. I completely blacked out and tried to get away because as far as I knew, men who pick you up and act nice will hurt you." Fear of commitment. "But eventually alastor got me calmed down and he thought I was younger than I was, because he kept calling me little one and ruffling my hair. I was a really tiny kid, believe it or not."

"I'm a really tiny person, cry me a river." I chuckle softly, and Remus' little laugh makes my heart soar. 

"Still, though. Alastor took me in and for a while he thought I couldn't talk, because I just wouldn't. I got here when I was eleven, I didn't say a word until I was twelve and a half and alastor almost didn't let me out of the nursery." That doesn't surprise me. "I went through my rookie training flawlessly, and aced my first round of testing, minus the drug test. But, alastor saw that as a good sign. That I was a fucking monster, and he could harness it."

"Don't call yourself a monster, I know you're joking but just don't." I murmur against Remus' head before he continues. 

"For a couple years, everything was fine. No one talked to me, I let out my anger on my jobs, I started to build a reputation of being scary. I was okay with that. Then, I watched the Notebook. Oh. My. Fucking. /Gawd/ Ryan Gosling. And it all came crashing back. The names, the beatings, the slurs. I spent three solid days in here researching and trying to figure out what was wrong with me until alastor finally picked the lock and found me on the ground, crying and confused because I didn't understand. I was scary now, I could fight, I didn't have to be anyone's bitch anymore. So why did I think Ryan Gosling was so hot?" 

"Fuck, you've made me cry." I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and hug Remus tighter. He buries his face my my arm that's wrapped around his chest. 

"So, Alastor had a very uncomfortable conversation with me about sexuality. He patted me on the head and told me everything was okay and it was normal, and my fourteen year old brain calmed down a little. I did research. Extensive research. For a while, I felt comfortable as bi. Then, I had sex with a girl my first time. More research. Alright, I'm gay. That's fine. Ace. That's good too. Then an older boy got me drunk and we had sex. He tried to top me and I almost broke his arm out of reflex. Well, fuck. I'm gay. Probably a good idea if I top." 

"As opposed to a broken arm? Probably." I agree, and Remus giggles into my arm. 

"For a few years, that worked. I had one night stands, started smoking weed for my nightmares, and dealt with the dull ache by numbing it with whiskey. I gained a fucking title. I was The Lone Wolf. Then." Remus sits up a little, looking at me. "Alastor made me go on a mission with a partner who I absolutely could not stand." He grins, and I grin back. 

"The rest is history, babe." I press a soft kiss to Remus' lips. We part and Remus cuddles into my chest, tucking his face into my shoulder. He's wearing my rugby hoodie again, it's become one of his frequent ones. 

"I'm going to talk for a moment, and I want you to listen, okay?" I practically whisper, and Remus nods with a content sigh. 

"I like your voice.." He mumbles, thinking I can't hear him. 

"I just want you to know, that the world /is/ cruel. But it doesn't have to be so bad. Not every guy will treat you like his bitch. Not every father figure will abuse you. Not every person will judge you for having emotions. You don't have to hide things because of past experiences. Because baby, you're so sweet and kind, and no one knows that because you're so afraid to be weak. But you're not. They know you're not. I just needed you to know that."

We're quiet after that. Remus settles on my chest, his head resting on my arm. I push my fingers slowly through his hair, mulling over everything he told me and making a plan on how I can make him as comfortable as possible during his test. 

Eventually Remus dozes off, and I'm glad because I don't think he slept last night. 

Everything about Remus fell into place when he told me what he's been through. His fear of sharp objects, why he flinches when someone yells at him, why he tenses up every time I hug him from behind or Someone touches his shoulder. 

Watching Remus sleep peacefully, curled up against my chest and looking so soft and beautiful, I make a promise to him and to myself. 

No one will /ever/ hurt my baby like that ever again. 

~A while later~

"Remus, sweetheart wake up." I gently shake Remus' shoulder, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. 

"Mm?" Remus shifts a little and opens his eyes, bright amber peering up at me. A little smile curves at his perfect lips, and my heart nearly beats out of my chest. 

"It's time for dinner, James is worried about us." I chuckle, cupping Remus' cheeks in my hands to kiss his forehead. "You're adorable."

"I'm not adorable, shut up." Remus looks away from me and gets up, but I can see the flush on his cheeks. 

We get around and go to dinner, after Remus changes his hoodie and I brush my hair because it looks like a black mop. 

"Ah, they're alive!" James says with a grin when Remus and I sit across from him and Peter. The younger guy that was sitting next to Remus gets up and moves, making Remus roll his eyes. 

"Good to know people are back to being afraid of me." Remus chuckles. 

We talk and mingle for a while, and Remus seems to be a bit less abrasive now. Dinner ends and we reside to the common area, an old teachers lounge. 

Us four, now joined by Lily, sit on the two couches while other people mill about and find other spots. Remus puts his feet up on the coffee table, putting his arm on the couch behind me. I take the invitation and lean on his side, tucking my knees up under me as I talk to James. 

Peter and Lily start having a conversation as well, but Remus stays quiet. He chimes in to our conversation sometimes, but for the most part he's just quiet. It doesn't bother me or worry me, that's just how he is. And fuck, I love it. I love a guy that can sit and listen and remember everything I say, then ask me about it later. And that's the type of guy Remus is. 

"Remus, you're putting Pads to sleep." James says after a while, and Remus makes a noise of surprise as his hand, that had been playing with my hair and effectively putting me to sleep, pauses. 

"Oh, sorry annwyl." Remus chuckles, the Welsh term rolling off his tongue in a way that makes my heart flip. 

"What does that mean?" Lily asks, ever the one to want to learn. Remus scratches his neck. 

"There's no direct translation. It is to Welsh as Darling is to English." Remus replies, tapping his fingers a little anxiously at my shoulder. He's not very comfortable with talking about our relationship in public. 

"Aww! See, James! There /are/ romantic guys that are still assholes!" Lily smacks James a couple of times. Remus makes an offended noise at being called an asshole, and James howls about being called not romantic. 

I look up at Remus, knowing the overwhelming adoration I have for him is shining in my eyes. I love him so much. 

"Don't give me that look." Remus rolls his eyes, pushing his hair away from his face compulsively. 

"What look?" I ask innocently, wrapping my arms around Remus' waist. He boops my nose. 

"The 'I want you' look. I'm not afraid to push you against this couch and snog your brains out." Remus says in a soft, low voice. A shiver runs down my spine. 

"Oh fuck, please do." I lean in closer to Remus, listening to James and Lily bicker and Peter complain about not having popcorn to watch the show. 

Remus tucks a finger under my chin, pulling me a little closer. He has a look in his eyes that makes my brain feel like it's stuffed with cotton. "Damn. You'd let me, wouldn't you? You don't even mind." Then he presses a soft kiss to my lips, and my brain has just leaked out my ear. 

James whistles. "Get a room, you two!" He tosses a pillow at us, and Remus and I break apart giggling. 

"This /is/ a room." I reply, dramatically laying over Remus' lap. James fake gags and Remus just rolls his eyes, putting his arm on the arm rest for me to lay my head on. 

"It's not my fault he's all over me," Remus defends himself, feigning innocence. I gasp dramatically. 

"Oh, you smooth fucker!" I smack Remus lightly in the chest. He just laughs. That deep, full laugh that makes my heart give a flutter. 

~the next day~

"Alright, put the book down. We're going to do a thing." 

Remjs sets his book down. "Damn, I'm going to run out of stamina if you keep coming onto me." He smirks at me, proud of his joke. I climb into his lap, settling with my knees on either side of his thighs.

"As much as you'd enjoy that, I wasn't insinuating that we have sex." I wrap my arms around Remus' neck, kissing his cheek to get him a little less tense. "Your drug test is tomorrow."

"Like you have to remind me." Remus slides his arms around my waist, nestling his head into my neck with a soft huff.

"I want to make it easier for you, so I came up with something to prepare you," I run my fingers through Remus' hair, kissing the top of his head. 

"I'm begrudgingly listening." Remus grumbles. I push him back against the pillows again so he can see me. 

"This is a strong sleeping pill." I hold up the blue pill I've been holding in my hand. "It'll take five minutes to kick in, and it will make you go to sleep quickly."

"..Like I've been drugged." Remus catches on. 

"Exactly." I reply. "You're going to this, and we're going to work on you not stabbing me when you start to black out. That's what triggers it, right? When your vision goes black?" Remus nods. 

"It makes me think I'm going to be paralyzed, so I lash out." He explains, eyeing the pill nervously. My heart softens, and I lean down to press a soothing kiss to his forehead. 

"You don't have to if you don't want to, Baby." I murmur against Remus' cheek, feeling his hands shake where they're gripping my hips. 

"I do. I'm just nervous that I'll hurt you." Remus mumbles. I run my fingers through his hair, that he didn't comb today because he likes it better when I do it. 

"You won't hurt me." I tilt Remus' chin up and press a kiss to his lips. "You don't have your knife on you, and if I need to I can take you hand to hand." I assure Remus, holding his face in my hands. "But it won't come to that."

"Okay." Remus says with a reluctant tone in his voice, holding his hand out. I give him the pill and he takes it, not hesitating because we both know if he things about it he won't do it. 

I pull Remus until we're settled with his head in my lap. He starts to read again, his hands still shaking but not so bad. I keep quiet like its a normal Sunday evening, playing with Remus' hair as I watch the sunset out the window. 

As expected, Remus tenses after about five minutes and reaches for his knife, even though he doesn't have it. I slide my hand down to his arm. 

"It's okay, Babe. Give me your hand," Remus gives me his hand and I hold on tight, wanting him to know I'm here. Remus grips my hand just as tight, his nails digging painfully into my hand. "Shh, just close your eyes. It's just me, no one's going to hurt you." It may be cheesy, but the assurances make Remus calm down a little. His hand let's up a little on mine. 

~Remus' POV~

The urge to reach for my knife and just freak the fuck out is so strong, it scares me. Sirius rubs the back of my hand with his thumb, the only think keeping me from losing it. 

"There you go, baby. Just relax, stop fighting." Sirius whispers, and I find that his voice makes my chest stop hurting. "I've got you, Moony. Go to sleep." 

That's all he has to say, and I stop fighting and fall asleep. 

~The next morning~

Alright, I'm fucking anxious. 

Sirius had to leave earlier to start testing, leaving me and my thoughts to pace around a bookshelf as music blasts in my ears, trying to keep me from having a full on panic attack. Its going to be a bit before my test, having an H last name. 

This can't go well. There's no possible way that this could go well. Fuck, the only reason I slept last night was because of that pill and once I woke up from that, around two am, I couldn't go back to sleep. My anxiety gets even worse when I'm tired, which is fucking great. 

I climb up on a bookshelf, leaning my back against the wall and pulling my knees tight to my chest. I crank my earbuds up even louder, trying to just get the thoughts and the flashbacks to /stop/. What I really need is to smoke, but Sirius made me promise I wouldn't because it would make the drug stronger and I would freak out worse. 

In other words, I can't do anything about the fact that I feel like I'm going to die. It's not an unfamiliar feeling at this point, but my hands are shaking so bad I can't change the song I'm listening to and I consider that some sort of hate crime. 

I'm not sure how long I sit here. Eventually I get down and start pacing again, because pacing helps me stop shaking and I really want to change my song. 

After Lord knows how long, I feel a soft hand on my arm. My first instinct is to smack whoever touched me in the face, but Sirius knows and jumps back quickly. 

"Shit- sorry, Love-" I take one of my earbuds out, expecting Sirius to be  scared but he just laughs. 

"Good to know your reflexes are sharp." He says with that bright smile that makes my chest a bit less tight. Sirius looks me over, reaching up to push my hair out of my eyes. "It's not your turn yet, but I want you to come down and watch a couple of tests. You can keep your earbuds in, though, I don't want you getting sensory overload." 

"Okay.." I reply hesitantly, because I really don't want to but Sirius seems to think it will make me feel better. 

Sirius pulls me down into a soft kiss, pressing a kiss to my cheek before letting me go. "You don't have to do this, Remus. You don't have to prove anything to me or anyone." He says, grey eyes staring into mine intensely. I bite the inside of my lip, thinking about it. It only takes a few seconds for me to make a decision, though. 

"I have to prove something to me." 

I watch Sirius' mannerisms as he administers the drug we use in tests to an older assassin, Fabian Prewette. He and Gideon got back a week ago, the week after I got done doing their jobs for them. 

Fabians test goes easily. He reacts quickly to the drug and Sirius catches him when he falls, stumbling a little because Fabian is a big guy and Sirius is barely 5'8. Two or three minutes later, Fabian comes out of is and he's out in record time. He didn't fight or anything. Is that what normal looks like?

Its a couple hours before it's my turn, thankfully my test is the last of the day. Everyone stares at me as I walk to the room where we conduct tests, by now everyone has heard of my track record with this test. 

Sirius is turning the camera off when I walk in, balancing on a chair with a pen in his hair to hold it up in a bun. 

"You're adorable when you concentrate." I chuckle, and Sirius nearly topples off the chair because I startled him. I rush over to steady him as he finally gets the camera off and falls into my waiting arms with a delightful giggle. 

"Okay, okay, put me dOWN!" Sirius squeals when I all but drop him on the ground. He gets to his feet and smacks me gently in the arm. 

"Fuck, you're going to give me a heart attack." Sirius complains, but he's still smiling that infuriatingly beautiful smile. 

"Just payback for what you're about to do to me, Love." I reply, as Sirius goes to set up my dose. 

"I'll let you do mine first, if it would help." Sirius offers, tipping a bottle upside down to put liquid into a syringe. 

"I'm shaking too much." I reply absently, trying to keep my thoughts here and now, not there and then. 

"I know," Sirius sets the needle down on the table. "I've been thinking about how I'm going to do this all day, based on how you reacted last night and all of the tests I've done today. I've worked it all out in my head, and I think I'll be able to get both of us out of here without a scratch."

"I admire your faith," I watch Sirius walk over to me, blood rushing in my ears. It takes all of my self control not to take off running. Sirius wraps his arms around my neck, and only then do I realize that he had still been talking. He kisses me gently on the lips, making me relax and reach for his waist. He pulls back, and suddenly he's holding my knife up like a trophy with a grin. 

"I thought that was going to be a bit harder than it was." Sirius chuckles, going to set my knife on the table. "You're wrapped around my finger, do you know that? I've got the lone wolf wrapped around my finger." 

"Oh, shut up." I roll my eyes, watching Sirius sit on the ground and cross his legs. 

"Whatever. Usually, I would do this with the person in a chair, or standing, like I shouldn't have done with Fabian because now my back hurts. This time, though, I think it would be better if you laid down." 

"Because I'll be relaxed or because it gives you three seconds to get me back down before I reach my knife, or something else sharp?" I question Sirius, laying down with my head in his lap. 

"The first, although I did take the second into mind." Sirius answers, reaching up to get the needle from the table. His fingers run slowly through my hair, coaxing my eyes into involuntarily closing. He presses his thumb softly to my throat, no doubt feeling my racing heartbeat. 

"You could do it yourself, if you want." Sirius' voice is gentle as he finds a vein. I shake my head slightly, shoving my hands in my pockets. 

"I'd have a panic attack, just hurry up." It's getting harder to breathe. 

"You're already having a panic attack, Remus. I can't do this if you're panicking, it'll make it worse. Breathe with me, okay?" Sirius leads me through a couple of breathing exercises, still petting my hair. "Do you want me to tell you when?"

"N-no- just.. Just talk to me- like you're not about to s- to stab me-"

"Okay, Love." Sirius runs his hand softly over my shoulder and down my arm, then back up to my hair. "Uhm..  Apollo and Artemis represent the sun and the moon in Greek mythology. Before them, it was the titans Selene and Helios. Apollo is also the god of music, and poetry- all things art related, really. He invented the lyre, and was honestly a bit of a dick." There's a sharp prick in my throat, and my mind goes blank. 

~Sirius' POV~

It takes me a full minute to get Remus to calm down after I administer the drug, he's so scared. I end up pinning him on his stomach, no matter him much I don't want to. He's still struggling, tears on his cheeks, and I'm trying not to cry myself because this isn't my quiet, scary boyfriend. This is a scared, little boy who needs to be saved. 

"Moony. Remus!" I push Remus down harder, because he's squirming and I can't be gentle. "Calm your ass down." I lower my voice, leveling it, and Remus relaxes a little. 

"Shh.." I slowly let Remus go, letting him turn over on his back. He's barely awake, still struggling. I lean over him, my elbows on either side of his head. "I've got you, my love. No one's going to hurt you, not ever again. Just calm down, go to sleep." Fuck, am I glad I turned off that camera. 

Remus doesn't have a choice but to fall asleep after a few seconds. I look over my wrists and arms for scratches, because they're stinging a bit. A couple of scratches, but I'm alive so I call it a win. His last three tests, it took the instructors five minutes to even get him /drowsy/, let alone fall asleep. And they ended up dead! 

"Mmh.." As expected, Remus is only knocked out for about a minute and a half. His brain does not like to stay sedated. There were a couple a people that were passed out for fifteen minutes today. 

"Hey," I kneel beside Remus, looking down at him as he blinks his eyes open. He blinks a couple of times. 

Remus doesn't say anything. He just tears up and sits up to pull me into a hug, burying his face in my neck. "I'm so sorry." He apologizes over and over. Then, "Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine, baby. Just take your time and calm down." I whisper softly, running my fingers through Remus' hair. "You did so well, Re. I'm so proud of you." I continue because Remus is full on shaking, and he needs the reassurance. 

"I didn't do well, I blacked out." Remus mumbles, his arms tight around my waist. 

"And it took me less than two minutes to get you to calm down. That's way better than any other time." My voice is soft as I practically cradling my boyfriend to my chest, pressing soft kisses to the top of his head. 

"I'm still sorry, I vaguely remember trying to punch you." 

"Ah, just in the stomach. You didn't mess up my pretty face." I smile when Remus hides a laugh in my shoulder. He nestles closer, relaxing a little. 

"You know a lot about Mythology." Remus points out. 

"Yes, sometimes I study. It started with reading Percy Jackson and became an obsession. Also astronomy."

"That's adorable." 

"Yeah, yeah. My hyper fixations are so cute. I was thinking we could go out tonight, James told me about a new café across town that has puppies that run around. That sound like a good reward?" I play with Remus' hair as he yawns against my chest. 

"Sounds perfect, Love. We have to be home a bit early, though, I have guard duty tonight." Remus replies, cuddling in closer. I check my watch, and it's only four fifteen. His shift will start at ten, and we can go out around seven and be home in time. 

"Why don't we take a nap, first?" 

A half an hour later, remus and I are snuggled up in bed with some random movie playing on his laptop on the table a couple of feet away. Remus cuddles into my chest with barely any shame, hugging my waist and tucking a leg between mine. 

"Thanks," Remus whispers. "For helping me face my.. My past, I guess." 

"No problem, Moony." I chuckle, because Remus just refuses to use the word fear. "I love you." I add, and Remus presses a kiss to my throat. 

"I love you too." 

Within minutes of cuddles and head pats, Remus is sleeping. A bit uneasily, but he's sleeping. I watch him for a while, anger building in my chest at the way he shifts in his sleep and mumbles as he dreams of things that aren't so nice. He doesn't deserve any of this, he never did. He was a kid, a /baby/. 

I trace the soft scar that runs across Remus' nose. He shifts a little and scrunches his nose up in an adorable way that makes my heart happy. I just love him so much, I wish he could be open and soft like this when ever he wants. But he can't, because he hears his dad telling him that he's just a bitch and he thinks he has to toughen up. 

My poor, damaged baby. 

It's nice. I watch the movie, holding Remus close to my chest and softly running my hand over his back or through his hair. He mumbles every so often, maybe my name or something else adorable like that. 

Eventually, around six, Remus wakes up. It's not sudden or anything. He just yawns and stretches, turning onto his other side. I back up a little, not wanting to startle him because now I'm behind him. 

"Babe, did you have a nightmare?" I ask, and Remus gives a small, lazy shake of his head. He turns on his back and hold out an arm for me. I gladly lay beside him, resting my head on his shoulder. 

"I think.." Remus clears his throat, his sleepy voice is always raspy. It's hot as /fuck/. "I think talking to you helped. I know it's dumb, but I guess my brain isn't so stressed out anymore because someone else knows the whole story. You know?" His hand runs absently up and down my arm, and everything about this moment makes my heart overflow with love. 

"It's not dumb. It makes sense. Having someone to talk to can take a lot of stress from someone." I reply, tracing little hearts on Remus' chest with my finger. A kiss is pressed to the top of my head, then I wiggle a little to kiss Remus on the lips. 

"What time is it?" Remus asks when we finally part, his hand now twined in my hair. I check my watch, nearly falling on my face because he makes me weak. 

"Six fifteen," I reply. 

"Well, if we're going to go anywhere we should get ready, Lord knows you take forever." Remus teases, and I roll my eyes. 

"I'm going to dress up cute just for that comment." I wink at Remus and he groans, because we both know we won't have time to mess around tonight. 

We get up and I practically skip to my room, just so overwhelmingly happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy, thinking back. 

~Remus' POV~

I wait by the car for Sirius, looking like a character gay out of the Outsiders in ripped jeans, combat boots and a black T-shirt. Sirius isn't the only one that can rock Doc Martens. 

Then Sirius walks outside, and I swear to whoever's listening that I actually die. He is the single cutest thing I have ever seen. Mid thigh length red skirt, black sneakers and a band T-shirt that's a bit too long- oh, it's mine, that why- that covers the waistband of his skirt. His hair is down, strewn about on his shoulders and curling around his ears with his bangs tucked behind his left ear.

"Hey Darry, where's your leather jacket?" Sirius giggles, walking over to give me a kiss. 

"The fact that you get the reference makes you so much hotter." I hold Sirius' face in my hands and kiss him happily on the lips. "Why Darry, though?"

"He's the hot one." Sirius answers. "Also, I wasn't kidding. Leather jacket. I want to see it." He adds, and I chuckle. 

"Ah, I'm more of a Jean jacket guy. Leather looks dumb on me." I reply as we get in the car. I stole the keys from Moody's office, even though he doesn't really care at this point as long as I put gas in it. 

Sirius props his feet up on the dash, crossing his ankles like he owns the place. I'm not gonna lie, it's really hot. He gives me the address of the place we're going, and we're off. 

The café is all the way across the city, so Sirius hooks up his phone to the radio and blasts punk music. Not that I don't like it, but his voice is going to /kill/ me. The windows are down, hair his hair is just everywhere and fuck, I could watch his head tip back as he sings all. Day. 

"Moony, you're drooling!" Sirius shouts over the music and the roaring wind. I roll my eyes, slowing down for a stop sign. 

"I swear, you are literally sex incarnate." I reply, and Sirius' cheeks tint a lovely pink color. 

"Says you, the sexy ass boy with a voice kink." Sirius replies, leaning his head on my shoulder.

"Oh, shut it-" I ruffle his hair just to piss him off, starting to drive again. Sirius then continues his singing, now right by my ear. 

Much to my regret, we're to the café in another five minutes. I park the car and Sirius takes a couple moments to fix his hair before we get out of the car. 

I open the door for Sirius, making him roll his eyes, but we both know the pink on his cheeks isn't just wind burn. 

We play with puppies and drink coffee for an hour and a half before we decide to leave. When we do, Sirius has to get probably four puppies off of him. He giggles happily as the squirm all over him and lick his face. The puppy that has grown attached to me and I are just chilling as Sirius is tackled to the ground by the masses of puppies. 

I'm not going to lie, I take a sneaky picture and make it my phone background. 

~A while later~

I'm roused from my audiobook by the door opening. Odd, no one usually comes in here at- I check the time- two am. I glance up to see who it is, and my heart softens. 

Sirius is wearing one of my hoodies, his favorite one with a picture of Dean Winchester on it. His hair is thrown up in a bun, and he looks absolutely adorable. It makes my heart race and makes me fall a little more in love. The guys that I'm guarding, though, lead by my father, erupt in cat calls. 

"Objectify my boyfriend one more time, and someone is getting my knife through their eye." I take out my earbud as Sirius walks over, rolling his eyes at my threats. "What's the matter, baby?" I ask. Sirius smiles adorably, but I can see how anxious he is in his eyes. 

"I missed you," Is his excuse as he crawls into my lap, yawning softly. The four men behind us stay silent, the threat of a knife in the eye must be a good motivator. 

"Nightmare?" I ask softly against the top of Sirius' head so only he can hear me, and as predicted Sirius nods. "Im iawn yma, cariad," I assure Sirius, pressing a kiss to his forehead and offering him an earbud. He accepts it, leaning against my chest. He's tense, as to be expected. I play a playlist instead of my book, because I was actually paying attention to that. 

We stay here and cuddle in peace for a half an hour before my father just has to open his mouth. 

"It really is a shame that a beautiful boy like yourself has to settle for less than you deserve." I don't disagree that I'm not good enough for Sirius, but my hatred for my father is stronger than my insecurities. I'm just about to get up and do something I'll regret when Sirius gets up. I had thought he was sleeping. He pushes me down in the chair with a hand on my chest and walks over to my father. I watch him, intrigued and a little flustered. 

"It is such a shame that I have to be with a tall, strong, scary guy isn't it?" Sirius tilts his head, feigning being cute and my heart races because fuck, he's so hot. "But alas, I have to be with him because I'm too small and cute to take care of myself." He steps closer to my father, pushing up his sleeves to his elbows. "Such a shame." And then Sirius punches my father in the face. One of the guys gasps, the others chorus 'oooooh-'. 

Sirius grabs him by the collar of his shirt, leaning closer with a deadly look on his face that makes my neck feel warm. 

"The only reason my blade hasn't met your throat is because you're not mine to finally send to hell." Sirius' French accent is even thicker than normal, which makes this all the much hotter. 

"Underestimate me again, and I'll land you in the infirmary." Sirius lets him go with blood trailing from his nose down his chin. 

My deadly boyfriend walks over to me and sits back down in my lap, yawning softly as he nuzzles into my shoulder. 

"Fuck, you've never been hotter to me than you are right now." I mumble into Sirius' hair, making him chuckle. 

"I know, you were practically drooling." He kisses my cheek. "I'm going to go back to bed, will you be okay alone?" 

"I was fine for eighteen years, Sirius. I can survive a half an hour away from you." I reply with a roll of my eyes. Sirius just laughs. I give him a chaste kiss on the lips. "That being said, I'll be there in about a half an hour." 

Sirius leaves, flipping off all of the sick fuckers that cat call him as he does. Fuck, he's so hot. 

I take a deep breath and put my earbuds in. I'll kick all of their asses some other time. 

Half an hour later, all of my cares are pushed aside as I walk into the library. Sirius is laid out on the windowsill, on his phone with his feet propped up on the wall. 

"Hey, pretty boy." I chuckle, making my presence known. Sirius glances over at me with that adorable smile he always gets when I call him pretty. He makes grabby hands at me with his cute little hoodie paws and I swear, I couldn't be more fond. 

I lay beside Sirius, pulling him into my arms with a content sigh. 

"You're still in your day clothes." Sirius mumbles with a wide yawn, all curled up against my chest with a leg around my waist. 

"Don't care." Is my reply, because he's so cute and comfy and I'm half asleep already. I do muster up enough energy to press a soft kiss to that messy hair, though. "I love you." 

"Love you too, m'ny." Sirius nestles down closer to me, as I wrap my other arm around him instead of pulling up a blanket. "M' proud of you." 

I don't reply. I don't reply because that's not supposed to be such a big deal for me, to have someone say they're proud of me. I'm plenty proud of myself. It's not a big deal. So why does it make me feel like I might cry? 

~Next morning~

"I still don't want to do this," I'm nervous. Sirius wants me to conduct his drug test, but I've never ran this course before and just holding the needle is scaring me, so I set it down. What if I hurt him? Or miss the vein? What if it's the wrong drug and I accidentally kill him?

Sirius sighs, that teasing smile ever present on his perfect lips. 

"I know that you doubt how much I should trust you sometimes, Re." Sirius wraps his arm around my neck, somehow so calm even when he knows he's going to be drugged. "But, I need you to know that you can trust me to know how much I should trust you." 

"Arent there other ways of doing that? Less deadly ways? Like a trust fall or something?" I question, but we both know that he isn't going to let this go. 

"It'll be fine, Rem." Sirius pulls me into a soft kiss, pulling away after a solid five seconds. "If I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't have asked." He pulls my arms around his waist, then holds my face in his hands. 

"I know." I bend a little to lean our heads together. "I'm just scared I'll hurt you." 

"I won't break, baby. I promise." Sirius gives me that smile, the one that makes me weak and makes me just the perfect amount of dizzy. 

"Okay. Okay." 

Five minutes later, Sirius is cuddled up in my lap, still cool and calm like this is nothing. I'm holding a syringe, regretting everything about this. 

"It always takes me a bit longer to come around because I'm small, so don't panic." Sirius is coaching me, his hand on my wrist. "You're not going to hurt me, I promise." 

"Okay." I take a couple of deep breaths. Sirius' helps guide where the needle needs to be, and it's honestly slightly off putting that he's so okay with this. 

But, right before I'm about to stab him, Sirius' shows a little emotion. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, and for some reason that makes me relaxed enough to inject him. I'm not sure why, but seeing that he actually was a little nervous made it easier. 

As he said, Sirius is knocked out quickly and he stays knocked out for a while. I don't mind watching him sleep, though. It's nice. 

It takes Sirius about seven minutes to come around. When he does, the first thing I see of him is that adorable sleepy smile that is the one thing that will make me die a happy man. Then he kisses me, and I can physically feel some of the anxiety in my chest dissipating. 

"See? Not so bad." Sirius leans his head against mine, still drowsy and cuddly. I let out a deep breath and pull him in close, because seeing him okay and smiling at me makes me feel so much better. 

"Yeah. I guess not." I find myself smiling as well, pressing a happy kiss to Sirius' cheek. 

"Alright then." Sirius hides in my shoulder, so I can't see the inevitable blush on that pretty face. "Let's go join that party. I could use a drink." 

"I would love to see you drunk, love. Let's go." 

We get up and head out into the common room, our hands ever twined together in the middle. One of the tassels on the millions of bracelest sirius' wears brushes my hand and sometimes it annoys me but right now I don't think anything could annoy me. 

Then I see metal flash out of the corner of my eye,and the only thing that I can think to do is push Sirius out of the way right before a deafening crack thunder through the room. 

~Sirius' POV~

Time stands still. I watch from the floor as Remus falls. My ears are ringing, I can't hear the screams and murmurs in the room. I can barely think. Only one thought makes itself present in my mind. 

That should have been me. 

~

Sorry 'bout that.