A/N:
dear cass,
thanks for helping me paint YOUR room today😩😩😩😩
-lauren
IMPORTANT:
just to be clear: THE TIME LINE ISNT NORMAL- because basically the band goes bye bye like it did after MITAM.
they are making MITAM rn- but later decided to keep that one and release a different album- know what- ITLL MAKE SENSE LATER.
TW// mentions of EDs and alcohol addiction
_________
february 12th 2011
harrys pov
"whatcha writing?" sam asked walking into our room. i shook my head staring at the words- lyrics.
cameron and mike entered the room soon after asking the same question. "im not letting them win" i whispered.
"we know superstar" sam wrapped her arms around my neck, resting her head on my right shoulder "now, what metaphor have you used to write about donny boy?"
cam went over and slapped her head "you idiot! you know hes still sensitive"
"theyre right sam" mikey spoke sitting on my bunk. i turned around in the chair, letting sam step away from me. "its alright michael" i teased his full name.
"shut it harold" he spat playfully.
i shook my head handing sam the scrap piece of paper i had written- well started writing it on.
" 'good god, let me give you my life' ?" she looked up asking. " 'this is hungry work' ?" she looked at another lyric.
"its in the works! those are just two lines that dont even go together thank you very much" i grabbed it back letting the other two read it.
" 'get something shiny' ?" cam asked, letting mike read it. " 'knows everybodys disapproval' ?"
"like i said its in the works, i promise its going to be amazing!" i gave them a small smile.
soon enough they were both ushered out of the room as it was ten pm. time for prayers and sleep.
problem is im never tired, neither is sam. so we normally spend most of our nights talking about our families. as she runs her hands through my hair.
"tell me more about maddie" i asked nuzzling into sams neck. shes been my crutch the entire time here, i have been hers.
i ask her for stories about her life to not feel alone and she told me its therapeutic for her. "what about her?"
"how you met, i havent heard that one yet" it was dark in the room as it was past curfew. "please"
"well, it was in the ninth grade" she started, her american accent always soft and hushed. "she was new to the school"
she exhaled softly as i closed my eyes still nuzzled into her neck "was it love at first sight?" i slightly teased.
"no, but id be lying if i said i didnt feel something. cliché i know" she chuckled softly, holding me tighter.
if you saw us you would think we were dating, but its not that. its completely platonic, we dont even like the opposite sex. "its not cliché" i smiled back.
"well to me it is, but i really did feel my cheeks heat up and my stomach fill with big bright blue butterflies"
"why blue?"
"why not blue?"
i closed my eyes "fair enough i guess"
"now where was i? oh right, she sat few desks in front of mine. luckily i was sort of a loner in ninth grade. i know shocker! so when out english teacher told us to pair off in pairs of two we were the last ones left- god still sounds cliché" she laughed fondly.
i shook my head in the crook of her neck, my eyes still closed "its not- i felt the same way with lou"
"really?" she asked surprised that i even decided to bring him up. or even my past for that matter.
"yeah, saw him across the hall during 'battle of the bands'. i felt my stomach fill up with those bright blue butterflies. then spotted him few rows down at 'the script' concert. we made eye contact each time, and there was that cliché spark you talked about."
she hummed in return.
"then i ended up pissing on his shoe during bootcamp-"
"yeah howd you end up doing that?" to be fair everyone wanted to know.
i smiled fondly at the memory "did it on purpose" she gasped smacking my arm making my eyes snap open.
"youre a little shit you know that?"
~~~~~~~~~
present day
may 2nd 2014- no pov
it had been a while since harry ended it, still feeling guilty. tour was done, just interviews here and there to promote the next tour.
on the road again tour
as of more they were in the studio, harry deciding to give some songs to it. if i could fly bring one of them. he had played it for them, louis walked out of the room.
they all knew it was about him, every song hes ever written is about the blue eyed, feathered hair, five foot seven, doncaster lad who he fell in love with on day one.
"harry, we want to add another song on the album, we cant come up with anything and we know you have some"
"no"
liam nodded his head replying "we knew you would say that we ju-"
harry stood up from the sofa in the studio and walked over to the door "im not showing the world my fucking shattered heart li" he walked out.
he grabbed his pack of cigarettes from he back pocket, taking the lighter from his other and walking out of the building completely.
well not completely, just to the roof.
louis was on the opposite side of the roof, but he didnt care, they hadnt spoken once since harry cut everything off. louis just looked numb to him though. not sad, not angry, not happy, just numb and dull.
the pit of guilt started boiling in his stomach as he let the chemicals fill his lungs. "hello?" harry turned to see louis on the phone.
"we arent- no we arent..." he looked at harry answering whatever the question. he took his cigarette and took it to his mouth turning around.
harry was staring at the back of his head "absolutely not. if we arent— no because i havent talked to her in a month."
there was a moment of silence until louis threw his cigarette off the roof of the building "well if i dont show up i cant sign the stupid thing" he hung up walking back down the stairs.
one thought popped into harrys head at that moment. eleanor.
he finished his cigarette and walked back to the studio. within the hallways of the building he saw louis breakdown right in front of him.
he walked over to the boy kicking the wall and throwing his phone so hard it shattered. with that harrys heart broke even more.
"lou" he whispered wrapping the fragile boy in his arms. "youre okay, its all okay-"
"no harry its not" harry was pushed away from him. there was a four feet distance between them "none of it is" he proceeded to punch the wall.
"what happened?"
"its not like you ca-"
"no louis, i do care. i really fucking do-"
tears fell from both of their faces "no you dont. because if you did we wouldnt be here right now about to have this conversation"
"i still fucking care! im sorry i dont want to get sent back to actual hell! if i do i dont want you to hurt even more. because if i do get sent back and we are together then i know its gonna fucking hurt more!"
"harry! you are not going back there for fuck sakes. you cant just fucking give up of hide again because of some stupid empty threat that dickhead sent."
he finally let some of that anger bottled up "STUPID? no this is why i never talked about it. this is why i dont talk. that place gave me ptsd- LOOK WHAT IT DID TO SAM. shes gone louis fucking gone. i dont speak often because things people say trigger me! i dont speak because im afraid."
the boys walked into the hallway, neither of the pair looked back they just felt their presence.
"hes bringing eleanor back- the fans dont even know we broke up so 'it wont matter to them'. i get you jad worse than m-"
"i never said i had worse than you, i absolutely hate eleanor. but you just cant go around calling stuff that triggers me stupid!"
there was a thick silence that had fallen upon them, which was more awkward as the boys were behind them "im going for another smoke" the curly one muttered.
he walked down to the end of the hall before he heard "harr-"
he turned around to face the boy to say "dont" then walked back to the roof.
quickly he made his way back up to the roof, getting a view of downtown london. letting the cancerous chemicals fill his lungs once more.
the spring weather was warm, still a bit of wind but tolerable. "harry" a voice spoke. his green eyes rolled to the back of his head, until he realized it wasnt any kind of british accent but irish.
"niall" he whispered.
"i dont know what cause tha-"
the green eyes faced a different pair of blue eyes. a pair that wasnt his favourite but second favourite. "just dont ni, i have a headache from it"
"i was going to say..." the blond started "i dont know what caused than and im not going to pry, so nandos?"
both boys both faces the view "im not hungry" he mumbled. receiving a disappointed look from his mate.
"burger king?"
"no"
"mcdonalds?"
"ni, i love you but again im not hungry" harry put his cigarette out, exhaling the last of the chemicals. "why do you do that?"
he looked to his left "do what?"
"smoke" niall said, he quite frankly looked like a confused puppy dog. but he sounded firm with his voice. "i know lou smokes when hes anxious"
"relieves stress. with every inhale of the tobacco i feel each of my problems get breathed out. if that makes sense"
"i think it does" again he sounded like a toddler "i wouldnt smoke"
"thats good, its addictive"
"you smoke"
"yeah, and again it relieves stress"
"but you know its bad?"
"why are you asking so many questions?" he got
a bit annoyed with niall. his mate just looked down to the road under them "trying to get your mind off what happened i guess"
his curls blew in the wind as niall continued.
"clearly its not working... but you two beed to fix your shit because you are both miserable and it hurts seeing you like this. you have smokes seven cigarettes a day since you ended it with him. hes been smoking more too. i cant afford seeing you two in the hospital because of this!"
"this seems like much more than smoking" and well it did. he was stuck on the smoking as if it was the biggest deal.
"i just want to see you two happy, taking down simon and modest before its too late. because face it theyve done nothing but hurt each and everyone of us."
"before its too late? niall what the fuck is going on?"
tears welled in the slightly older boys eyes as he shook his head no. "niall james horan what is going on?"
"i have leukaemia" he whispered.
harry gasped, immediately pulling his mate into a hug. the blond just cried into the cotton white shirt harry was wearing. "when you find out?"
"back in march" niall hiccuped "i went in for a check up on my knee and they wanted to mske sire everything was okay so they ran blood tests a-and... found it"
he couldnt process words, all he could do was comfort him "anytime i 'go out' to a pub now i go to chemotherapy"
they just hugged, its all they did. up until the sky fell and the moon rised. two hours they were on that rooftop.
"why didnt you tell us? or me? or anyone?"
"i didnt want to take the attention away from any of you... liam with his alcohol, zayn with the eating, you and louis with that entire situation"
"horan as cringy as it sounds we are family. you tell us if you have cancer or not. okay?"
"okay..."
niall slept over that night, scared of being alone. but he was going to be okay.
they all were.
__________
A/N:
OKAY SO ALOT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY-
niall: leukaemia
zayn: ED
liam: alcohol addiction
harry: ptsd
louis: anxiety
cass: lol you reading this on the bus ha.
but i promise this all makes sense in the end, just give it time xx -L