2011

November| Chapter 20| Ada

I returned home completely drained. I dreaded coming face to face with my mom. But I knew I couldn't avoid coming home forever. I walked into the house and found her cooking dinner in the kitchen. My mom always found cooking to be therapeutic. I always knew she was stressed when I came home to a dinner for six that would be consumed by two.

"Hey sweetie." She spoke softly as she watched me walk into the kitchen.

"Hey." I sighed. I didn't know what to say.

"Are you-"

I crossed the kitchen and threw my arms around her. She welcomed the embrace burying her face into the top of my head. 

"I'm sorry." I cried.

"It's okay, Ada, it's okay." She rubbed my back.

"Why...does...he....only...hurt....me." I was hysterical at this point, but my mom continued to hold me in her arms.

"I don't know sweetie. I don't know." She said.

I stepped back wiping the tears from my face. "Why did you let him come back?" 

"Ada he and I talked; I know this is hard for you to believe but he has changed." 

"You're right that is hard for me to believe!"

"It's okay to be angry with him Ada, you have all the right in the world. But he's here and he's trying to make an effort-"

"But he wasn't! Not for four years!"

"I know, I know. But now, right now, he is here trying to make up for that. Opening yourself to that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

"How could you even say that?"

"Because Ada, I held onto anger towards him for so long. But he's been here for 3 years. I've seen him change. I remember who he was when he left, and he isn't that man anymore. I know all of this stuff with his love child has thrown a wrench in things, but he's still here. He still wants to be your dad. He wants to be better for you Ada."

"Well I wished that he had wanted to be better when I needed him to be. But that time has passed, and I don't need him anymore." I left the kitchen and walked up to my bedroom. I threw my purse across the room not caring where it landed.

When did everything become so fucked up? My dad, my mom, Delilah, David, everything! My life was this box that had been turned upside down and shaken up. I hated it! Everything was complicated, nothing was light anymore. Everything had consequence or reward. I felt my freedom slipping through my hands. I felt helpless.

I stepped into the bathtub hoping to forget the world outside of this room. I sank into the bubbles. I added more and more soap as the water rushed from the faucet. How much lavender is too much? When the tub filled up, I turned the faucet and leaned back. I let the water get hot to the point where it almost burned to stay in there, but I liked the small discomfort.

"Ada!" My mom yelled from the bottom of the stairs. "Dinner is ready!" 

"I'm not hungry!" I yelled back.

"I'll put your food in the fridge." I don't care just leave me the fuck alone! 

"Kay!" I yelled back.

I pushed my head under water listening to nothing but the silence. It was peaceful. No family issues, no yelling, no pain, no fear in this hot water. My head broke through the surface of the water and I gasped for air. I wish I could dissolve into this tub.

The next day I met Delilah at her house, she had invited me to go to the mall with Bryce and Sam. I wanted to escape my house any chance that I got so I agreed to go. When I arrived at Delilah's house I ran straight up to her room. I paused momentarily over the blood-stained floor. I pushed images from the night to the back of my mind.